Story 4 | You Won't Remember
"... Right person, wrong time. Doesn't it feel like that about him?"
"More like the wrong lifetime. If you could call it the right choice."
The voices in her head were having a fierce debate, effortlessly worsening her headache as she paced the length of the room with quick, impatient steps. Anxiety was coursing through her veins like a relentless current, threatening to overwhelm her more and more with each passing minute.
She already knew the conclusion of that daunting conversation. He was the right choice, but falling in love would never go well, specially if it was about her. With her.
Even the thought of it was impossible. He couldn't love her. He shouldn't. He couldn't fall for someone who couldn't even tolerate herself most of the time, let alone reciprocate an ounce of his affection.
A new sense of trepidation gripped her heart as the soft strains of music mingled with muffled chatterings and floated all the way down the deserted room. She was hiding far away from the grand hall, but there was no running away from the fact that the ceremony had already started and it meant everyone was there. It was going to be too crowded for her liking.
Y/N paused for a moment and inhaled deeply, trying to defuse the tension that was bubbling inside her and pushing her to run away from all the people that were a mere walk away from her. Her mind was killing her slowly.
How could he have done this?
In all of their late night talkings, in all of the days they'd spent together, she had tried to talk him out of his decision. She had tried to convince him that she wasn't the right choice for him and it would simply be the biggest mistake of his life if he kept on loving her.
She was hopeful that without revealing too much about the demons that lived within her, he had already decided to back off and look for another girl who could love him back. She wasn't the one who could love him, because she didn't know who she was without her damned thoughts.
And she was almost sure it was over.
Until she saw him about half an hour ago.
Y/N didn't mean to stop, but the door to his room was left ajar and she had just arrived. Thinking that a simple greeting wouldn't hurt, she raised a hand to knock on the door, but she stopped herself mid air when her eyes caught sight of what he was holding in his hand. His back was on her, but she had already memorized that small leather wallet of his. He used to keep a picture of her in it.
And his shoulders were shaking silently.
Even after walking away from that scene, she couldn't wipe the picture off her mind. The lump in her throat couldn't ease off. The realization was painful, almost unbearable. "He was crying." "He was crying because of you." "Do you even deserve those tears?" "You know you don't."
She was drowning in those relentless shouts that kept on echoing in her head without a pause.
Yeah, her mind was definitely killing her slowly.
She used to be sure of her answer. But now that he had disregarded all the signs and warnings, now that she had seen him tucking that wallet back in his pocket along with a small, velvety box, she didn't know what to do.
Part of her was selfish, wanting so badly to keep him and his undeniable love for herself until the end of the world. Because she could feel how caring and devoted and unmatched that man was. He was more than she could ever ask for. The other part of her was selfless, knowing that they couldn't work it out and stop that fragile bond from falling apart someday. Because he had no idea how the demons in her head could turn his dreams into nightmares.
He was more than she deserved.
All of her was filled with a newfound sense of stubbornness. One of those parts had to overweigh the other, sooner or later.
A shiver ran down her spine as she dragged her wobbly knees to sit on the edge of the bed. Everything seemed like a joke. How could someone like him ever love someone like her even after seeing how tired and broken her real picture was? Falling in love was so terrifying. All her life, her loneliness had taught her how to be afraid of being completely vulnerable with others. She was afraid of opening up and presenting her shattered soul to others. She was afraid of sharing her secrets and showing them the worst, most unlovable sides of her.
He didn't know much either. She had done so little in letting him into those unexplainable feelings and darkest secrets of hers, torn between her longing to be understood by someone and risking the fact that he might leave after hearing everything. It was extremely frightening. He had heard some bits and pieces and despite her expectations, he had decided to stay.
Y/N didn't want him to stay.
She didn't want him to love her, because she couldn't believe it.
Something clicked and his words from the last time she'd talked to him began to play like an audio tape that was recently recorded. The crowds and musics slowly got muffled in the background. For a moment, all she could feel was the soft material of the mattress beneath her and those welcoming, plush pillows.
Only if she could take a nap and never wake up again...
"... All I'm saying is, if you feel intolerable, I want to be the one to tolerate you. If you feel vulnerable, I want to be the one you lean onto. If you feel all those heavy feelings, I want to lift a part of it from your shoulders. You don't need to explain yourself. You don't need to pretend around me. Just let me be the one who holds you through it. You don't have to carry that weight on your own." He whispered into her ear, calloused fingers stroking her hair tenderly as he held her close to his chest.
All of that persistence in his words was hurting her.
All of that softness was killing her.
She averted her gaze from him, shaking her head as she stared at the surface of the lake. The bench was suddenly too cold for her to sit on, but she resisted the urge and didn't move away from his embrace.
"It's- I can't... You don't understand what you're saying."
He was trying to reassure her, but it would never work. Whatever he said, made her feel more disgusted and ashamed of herself. It was anything but soothing and promising. She couldn't tell why.
"You're too good to be mine." She thought to herself, too afraid to say the words out loud.
"Then let me understand. Let me love you. Let me show you how precious and important you are to me. Just give us a chance and I'll try to make this cruel world a better place for your heart." He paused and swallowed heavily, probably not wanting to let the hopelessness creep its way into his low voice. "There are many solutions. We'll find them together. Just stay, please."
Not wanting to ruin another peaceful moment for him, she didn't say anything else.
That night, the walk back home was a painfully quiet journey.
He had to somehow learn that the only solution was to leave her and the void that lived inside her. She didn't know who she was without that harsh, despairing emptiness within her. The only solution for him was to leave her. If he couldn't do it, she couldn't do it either. But she loved him too much to drag him into the hell she lived in. She was going to make that decision easier for him.
She had to.
Precious, important...
She shook her head and sighed bitterly, reassuring herself that he didn't mean any of those confessions. Growing up in a chaotic environment, she had learnt to be anything but joyful, positive, and bubbly. Any sort of compliment was foreign to her ears. The doubt always lingered in the air. That was all she knew. Nothing had changed since then and he wouldn't be any different from the rest of the world. She wouldn't let him make the biggest mistake of his life.
She collapsed on the bed and her eyes fell close for a moment, thoughts and worries and anticipation still whirling around her head.
Only if she could take a break from the reality and rest for a while...
The door suddenly burst open and somebody strode towarda Y/N with quick steps, jolting her awake. She sat bolt upright, relaxing a bit when she caught sight of a familiar face, approaching her with two flutes in her hands.
But not completely relaxed. It was his sister.
"Guess you needed this." The girl panted breathlessly, fixing her hair as she sat beside Y/N on the bed. The mere sight of champagne offered a glimmer of hope, a momentary respite from the mounting unease that had decided to grip her too tightly that evening.
With trembling hands, she raised the glass to her lips, feeling its cool touch against her fingertips. As she took the first sip, a subtle warmth spread within her like a gentle embrace, distracting her whole being from the horrible decisions that never ceased to make her nauseous with anxiety. For a moment, it was quiet.
Then she took another sip. And another. To her surprise, the beverage was quite quick at serving its purpose, even though she knew the soothing stillness wouldn't last long. So she had no choice but to cherish and savor each delicate drop. For a moment, it was only crisp notes of apple and citrus as bubble after bubble eruped upon her tongue.
Until his sister spoke.
"So... I saw you rushing out of the ballroom and I got worried when you didn't return. And now that all colour is drained from your face, it's worrying me out..."
Worried. For me. True.
Y/N set the empty glass aside and raised a hand to her cheek, feeling the strange coldness under her touch. She wasn't sure if it came from what she was holding minutes ago or all the stress had turned her body into ice. But she was pale, that was sure. Another shiver rippled inside her while the girl continued.
"Do you want to talk about it? Tell me what happened?"
Oh certainly! I don't want to be in this damned ceremony anymore because I feel so insanely unlovable, undeserving and unimportant. I can't even breathe properly when all I think about is how everyone is already disappointed by me and my mere existence. All I want is to hide away and disappear forever, just to stop this terrible ache from hurting me. It's been suffocating me for years.
And to make it all worse, your brother has lost his mind. How do I tell him that I can't stand myself? That I'm too broken to be a good company for him? I can't. I just can't accept it. And I don't know what on earth I'm supposed to do. Should I fail him or should I not? Making decisions is so overwhelming and scary.
She smoothed out her dress, putting on a nonchalant smile. It was easy to pretend. Too easy.
"I'm all right. Just a little stressed out about... You know, the crowd and all. And I... I didn't have a good sleep last night."
Every night.
Y/N swallowed dryly, watching as the girl slowly nodded beside her and reached out to hold her hand. The warmth and comfort that radiated from her made a stark contrast to her nearly-frozen posture.
"Do you know about-" The girl began to ask, but her voice was cut off with a firm knock on the door.
"What's the matter, young ladies?"
Discomfort washed over her. She could already recognize that disapproving, unreadable, stern expression before even meeting the old woman's gaze. Her grip tightened on his sister's hand, silently pleading her to handle the situation on her own. She took the hint.
"Um... Nothing to worry about, mom. She's just a bit under the weather. All will be fine."
It was silent for a split second.
"Oh, so it was all about champagne problems." The old woman paused and gestured towards the empty glasses on the bedside table, fixing them with a skeptical look. "Make sure you return before the guests start questioning your whereabouts."
The discomfort was soon replaced by resentment. The underlying jab in her blame-ridden voice hung heavy in the air even after the door clicked shut.
Of course it was about champagne problems. When tears of sorrow were buried beneath dazzling smiles, when some souls were too broken, too lifeless, too alone to feel anything but they still hid beneath fake masks just to fit in with the crowd, when there was no proper way to articulate the invisible pain they carried everywhere, of course they would become unimportant problems. Of course they wouldn't matter.
When a soul was bleeding from invisible wounds, there was no blood on the floor. Did it make it hurt any less?
When hateful words broke a heart into pieces, there was no shard on the floor. Did it make it hurt any less?
Apparently so. They were all some damned champagne problems.
How ruthless.
Before the rage could bring tears to her eyes, she felt herself being dragged towards the front door.
"... You've probably realized what my brother wants to do. Whatever your decision will be, I stand by it. Just... just make sure you won't regret it a month, a year, a lifetime from now." She said and gave her a reassuring nod before walking down the hallway, towards where Y/N dreaded the most.
She had no choice but to follow in suit. Her words had left her lost in thoughts. Most of the decisions she'd made in life were filled with regret to some extent, because it would somehow disappoint someone, no matter how hard she tried. How could she make it right this time? Stay with him or leave it all behind?
Her heart pounded impatiently in her chest as her footsteps got closer to the grand door. The chatterings weren't that muffled anymore. She could hear them clealy.
Her gaze searched the crowd for an empty spot, but then her eyes settled on him. He was already looking at her, a soft, unreadable smile on his face. She suppressed a frustrated sigh, not recognizing the last words his sister said before approaching a group by the corner and disappearing from the view.
It was something about tickets and train. She couldn't tell the relevance.
All the smoothness and comfort of champagne was gone by then, replaced by devils that circled her and shouted their spiteful comments louder than ever, filling her with an unbearable sense of shame and disappointment. "How could you be so stupid to believe that anyone cares that much about you?"
.......
She could barely hold it together.
Before giving herself chance to process what was happening around her, everything became about him, him and him. She found herself in the middle of the room, waltzing around the dance floor in fairly slow movements.
Conversations buzzed and echoed in her ears as she tried her best to avoid his gaze. One moment, she was looking at the blurred sea of unfamiliar faces that chatted and laughed and danced around them. The other moment, all she could focus on was the dim light of candles as they cast dancing shadows on the walls. A second later, she couldn't even remember how to breathe properly.
Then it was him again. His scent, his warmth, his delicate embrace. She had to fight the urge to sprint away from him. They hadn't even talked much and it was already too much.
He definitely had noticed the turmoil she was carrying on her shoulder, but to her relief he didn't mention anything. They swayed and danced to another song, his hand on her back while hers rested on his chest. So close to the heart that never belonged to her. All while, he was holding her with that gentle hand on her back like she could break at any second.
And she could. She was on the verge of it. Only if the cruel taunts in her head worked a little harder.
And it was only a few minutes ago when he'd greeted her with a tender kiss on her knuckles. The ghost of his touch was still burning on her skin, a foreign sort of pain she wasn't used to. Couldn't get used to.
She couldn't take it.
Another song came to an end and she hadn't looked at him yet. She was afraid of what she could see in his eyes. That tiny glimmer of hope would make her doubt her decision. She never was ready for breaking him, but there was no other choice.
"What are you looking for, sweetheart?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Don't call me that please, you're just making it harder.
"Myself. I'm looking for myself."
With a mixture of guilt and reluctance coursing through her veins, she rested her head on his shoulder, already tired of the confusing fight between her heart and mind. The former yearned to be held and understood. The latter only wanted to escape. She didn't belong there. She didn't belong to him. She didn't belong to herself. The evening would be much better and smoother without her being there. Had he known?
Y/N listened as the regular beating of his heart quickened under her freezing palm, at the same time wondering why was it that everyone wanted to make her despise herself even more. She wished he could end the conversation already and stop asking her about things that couldn't be explained.
"You're here, with me." He took a deep breath, grip tightening ever so slightly around her. His voice came out less certain than he'd expected.
Something stirred inside her. Those arms felt so right around her trembling figure that it suddenly frightened her. All that comfort, that safety, that feeling of being wanted by somone. She pulled back ever so slightly, putting some space between them.
"I- I'm not. I've always lived in my head. And I tried to tell you a hundered times."
But you weren't listening.
She was thinking about excusing herself for another glass of champagne when two fingers came up under her chin, making her look directly into his eyes. And oh, wasn't he sad and tired? His gaze trailed all over her face as if he was searching for something. Suddenly she wouldn't mind if the ground beneath her feet opened and swallowed her whole.
"I want to be there too. I, I thought we were in this together. Why does it feel like you're drifting away? Why won't you allow me to care for you? To lov-"
In her befuddled state, her attention was diverted away from the way his hand disappeared in his pocket, searching for something they both knew was wrong.
No, no. Just no. None of it.
"Don't!" She insisted firmly, drawing the attention of some random couples who were standing nearby. Her eyes stung when she noticed the sudden harshness had caught him off guard. It pulled at her heartstrings. She lowered her voice, taking a tentative step back to put more distance between them. "Please don't say it anymore."
"Just why?" He asked, the vulnerability in his tone killed her a little more.
The tension seemed to suffocate her every breath. It was a torture. How could she explain herself?
Because all I can think about is that I deserve to be alone. I'm scared. I'm so damn scared of the thought of loving you. I can't love you back when this soul of mine is filled with grief, rejection, gloom, and so many jagged wounds that you don't want to see. I need time, so much time to find myself. And waiting for someone who feels unlovable, is like playing in a losing game. I don't want you to fail. I don't want to be the one who fails you. And I can't let you see the demons that live in me either. It's too damn dark and unbearable for anyone who wants to be around me.
Please don't hate me for this hopeless rejection. I just can't stay and wait for the day when you realize how intolerable I am. I can't stand and watch you filling your precious heart with hatred and run away from me when you see the real me. It will be the death of me.
And I'm already halfway dead.
I don't understand how someone like you could ever love someone like me.
The weight of her emotions was crashing her, but her lips remained sealed. There was no explanation. She was speechless, playing every possible answer in her clouded mind as the world began to spin around her.
She shook her head, tears streaming down her reddened cheeks.
There was so much to say, but she couldn't give a reason.
Before she knew it, he was on his knees, clutching her clammy hands tightly in his. He had accepted the truth and it had done nothing but to shatter him and his hopes into pieces, scattering them all over the floor.
"What on earth am I gonna do with you?"
Her breathing hitched at the sight. That tiny glimmer was long gone from his expression. He was crying, all because of her.
Y/N didn't dare to see her surroundings, but the stunned silence in the room gave her a clue about the many startled expressions that were turned towards them. On her.
His heart was glass, she'd finally dropped it. And it was loud enough for all of those strangers to hear it. To watch it.
The air became thick with anticipation, but she wasn't confused anymore. It didn't feel like her unexplainable emotions were all over the place either. No one could see inside her, but her mind was suddenly clear. The selfless part of her had won. What was the point in trying to prove that the cruel voices in her head were wrong when agreeing was so much easier?
Time stood still as she made her decision.
Her grip loosened on his hands. She deserved to be alone. She deserved to give herself time and space. He deserved a better life.
She wouldn't let her dying star align with his. Its explosion was enough to ruin him forever.
"Live. Live a happy life with someone who deserves your love. Someone who knows her real worth, and your worth. You'll find the real thing. It's just- it's not me."
A tempest was raging within her as she clutched the fabric of her dress tightly. Her legs trembled beneath her as she spun around and began to run, leaving him right there, crestfallen on the floor. The room blurred into a whirlwind of voices and faces, all fading into the background as his hopeless picture kept on flashing back in her mind, haunting her every step.
He had to know. Giving him a heartbreak was better than regretting him.
Her feet carried her swiftly through the maze of bodies. She could already feel the harsh whispers and judgemental remarks being shot in her directions like sharp daggers. "What a disappointment!" "She would've made such a lovely bride." "What a shame she's stuck in her head." "How insensitive of her to reject a man like him."
But they were oblivious to her internal torment. None of them had seen deeper than the surface. She was used to getting insensitive comments from people who didn't know her.
But he knew about her, just a little bit.
Part of her wished he could say something. Anything to make her feel less guilty about what she'd done. "I regret you." "I hate you." "I wish I'd never met you." "You were never worth it." She wished he could shout at her, blame her for her maddening decision. But he broke down in silence, carrying all the embarrassment and disappointment on his shoulders.
Her heart was about to rip out of her chest. Another disappointment.
Why couldn't she just become invisible?
As she burst out the front door, the cool night air brushed her tear-stained cheeks. A sense of relief mingled with sadness and washed over her. She didn't want to stop and rethink it, but everything was really over. Each hurried step carried her further away from the chaos she'd made. She left behind not only a crowded room, but also a shattered dream. His dream.
The weight of her decision was slowly settling on her tense muscles, but she knew deep down that it was the only right choice she could make. She couldn't bear to drag him through the hell she lived in - a place that felt like anything but home.
"... Also I guess he has booked the night train. He's leaving the town tonight, probably..."
Without asking for it, she was reminded of the words his sister had said before joining the ceremony. She paused for a moment, staring indecisively at the dark, starless sky. That information was enough to give direction to her mindless running. Her feet had a mind of their own, dragging her all the way towards the nearby train station. She had to see him one last time.
Which was really worse? Jostling crowds or silent passersby?
That question popped in her mind as she hid behind a brick wall and panted breathlessly.
Curious expressions would linger on her a little longer than usual as people passed by and carried their trucks. She couldn't blame them though. She probably looked like a mess.
Minutes passed. Her heart skipped a beat.
And then there he was, still as wrecked as she'd seen him hours ago. Without much care for the world, he carried himself up the stairs and got in one of the carriages, disappearing from the view just like she'd disappeared from his life. He'd booked a ticket for a reason. He probably had an idea of what was about to happen.
He would soon forget all of it. Someone would replace her and be there for him. He would keep a new picture in his wallet. He'd find someone who wouldn't drop his hand and leave him in the middle of a slow dance.
And after all...
"You won't remember any of my champagne problems."
The train chugged forward and took him away. Just like it was supposed to.
With an odd lump bubbling in her throat, Y/N turned, coming face to face with the station's convex mirror that stood before her. She stared at her reflection for a while, only now noticing how the mess she'd inflicted on herself mirrored what was buried deep within. The many wrinkles on her dress, the dark lines of mascara on her cheeks, the faint circles under her tired eyes.
That girl in the mirror needed time, lots of time.
She broke his heart, because he was too nice and kind to her - something she wasn't used to. Maybe time would teach her to be nice and kind to herself. Maybe time would teach her to love herself. There was a first time for everything.
A crumbled paper on the ground caught her attention. She bent down and picked it up. Her trembling fingers smoothed it out, her lips twitching in what could be named the first smile of that endless night. Of that restless fight.
Too faint to be noticed, but it was something.
"You don't always have to be energetic, joyful, and positive. You don't have to pretend to be all right on days you don't recognize yourself in the mirror.
Even if some days, the only friend you know is the one you see in the mirror.
Even if some days you don't want to be your own friend, you are still worthy, loveable and important. Just be patient with your sad days and don't shy away from loving yourself when you're the most vulnerable. Give yourself love and let others give it to you too. Enjoy your own presence in your life and others will start to want you too. You're still a good person."
She lifted her head and glanced at the mirror one more time. Maybe, just maybe, she could stand up again someday and win her fights.
Maybe that girl could cure her soul and overcome her champagne problems if she gave herself the chance.
She blinked the fresh flood of tears away, smiling just a little more. Only time could tell.