And this is where the real fun starts.
[[unedited]]
__________________________
Niall
I've been in this fucking hospital for nearly a year now and I'm finally getting out. There were just about only two things that kept me going, one of them was the letter that Ashley told Greg to send to me. Wouldn't necessarily call it a letter as it only had a couple of words, but it was enough for me.
Dear Niall,
I'm sorry. I love you.
Ashley xx
At the moment, I'm sat in one of the offices in the hospital with my dad signing some papers.
I'm so done with the constant babying in this place. The other people in here, the food here, all the 'I guess mental issues run in the family' jokes as my mum has been here plenty times before. So did Greg, but it was only for a short time because of his drug addiction.
The only person I'll miss here is Emma. She has a huge scar that went across her neck for obvious reasons. Though, she was the happiest person in the place and she kept me going. She reminded me everyday that you should live life to the fullest, even if you're in a psychiatric ward. The people here got mad from how loud we are, all the pranks, and just everything that we did. I hope she gets out soon, and when she does, I'm introducing her to everybody. But for now, all they'll hear from her is the memories I've made with her.
Once I got out, I went home and started to pack. I was going to go live with Liam for the time I can't afford a house. It was quite sad how most of my clothes didn't even fit me, they were really loose.
I finished up packing and told Greg goodbye since he was the only one home. I got into my car and threw my stuff in the back.
"How are you doing, Stella?" I say, patting my car and calling it the name I gave it.
I drove to Zayn's house as that's what everyone told me to do today. I parked my car before walking in. Everybody turned to me and smiled.
"Welcome back, Niall!" They cheered.
Everybody was here besides Venus & the twins (Ashley and Nathaniel). But, I didn't let that bring me down.
They all greeted me with hugs. Ally handed me a plate of cake and I basically devoured it happily. It tasted like heaven. The food back at the hospital tasted like rubbish.
"Hey, mate. I need to talk to you." I hear Zayn say. I turn to him and nod.
We walked out and took a breather. It was nice. Fresh air and space. The 'hospital' was so enclosed and it smelled like, well, hospitals. You know what I'm talking about? The smell of rubbing alcohol and whatever they use to clean stuff. It's quite rank.
"I don't really know how to say this, so I'll start with a big bang." Zayn says. I turned my head towards him, he was just looking up at the sky. "I took a couple of moves towards Ashley. Don't know why I did it. Hormones, I guess. Perrie couldn't do much as she was still recovering from the car crash so it just piled up. Ashley and I talked things out, so you don't have anything to worry about."
Instead of exploding on Zayn, I just let it pass. During my stay at the hospital I learned a couple of things. Emma taught me how to be more understanding and forgiving. So, I just let this surpass. It's in the past and I appreciate the fact that he, himself, told me.
"But, I do have something to worry about." I sigh, laying down on the grass and looking up at the sky.
It was a beautiful night, not a quiet one, as it was London, but you get used to the city. You could barely see the stars most nights, there's a lot of light pollution in the UK as we're such a small country and there were many different sects live here. Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Great Britain, & Wales. City life is great and all, but I'd like to spend some time in a more quiet town just for the experience.
"What is this thing to worry about?" Zayn asks, taking a seat beside me and looking up at the sky with me.
"I don't know how to take her back." I say, quietly.
I messed things up with Ashley and I was willing to do anything to get her back. Ashley was probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, lots of other people have offered to be the shoulder to lean on ― Especially the boys. But, Ashley was really the only person who has shown it rather than saying it. Sometimes, there are people who claim that you can talk to them if you need someone, but they don't actually mean it. Most of the time it's like this;
#1 They say it to look nice, kind of like propaganda. But, when the time comes, they don't really care.
#2 They actually mean it, but when the time comes they are so inexperienced on how to comfort someone they just respond with 'I'm sorry' or 'I don't know what to say'
#3 They want to help, but they are busy people and barely have the time to sit down and talk to you.
I'm sure there's other reasons, but these are just the ones I've encountered.
"Why do you say that?" Zayn asks, interrupting my thoughts and bringing me back to reality. It took me awhile to realize he was responding to what I previously said.
"I don't know where she is, but I really want to make things right between me and Ashley." I heaved a big sigh.
"Why can't you just do that hack-y thing you tried to do on Venus?" He asks bluntly.
"That's it!" I shout, sitting up and looking at Zayn with a huge grin. "Thanks, man."
"Anytime, enjoy your night." He says, standing up and walking back inside. I follow his actions and listened to what he said.
Enjoyed my night.
I walked over to Lizzy who was talking to Emily, but Emily saw that I wanted to talk to her so she just left. Lizzy turns to me and smiles at me, but I knew it was kind of forced.
"Hey, what's up?" She asks as she puts her drink down.
"Nothing, can I talk to you?" I ask. Lizzy evidently stiffens. "Don't worry, I'm not going to try anything like last time." Lizzy simply nods.
We went to the kitchen and I turned to her. It was really awkward and silent. They were blasting songs in the other room and just talking. So, it made it more awkward that it was so quiet between me and Lizzy.
"I'm sorry." I mumble.
"What?" She asks, looking at me as she was previously looking through the fridge.
"I said 'I'm sorry'." I say louder and gave her a lopsided smile. "I didn't mean to do whatever I did. I was under the influence of alcohol and I didn't have control over my body."
"Why were you drunk?" She asks, closing the fridge and leaning her back against it.
I stayed quiet. Should I tell her the full story or just tell her half the truth?
"I kind of just needed something to make me numb." I say simply, looking down at the floor. I hear Lizzy starting to walks towards me slowly. All I could hear were footsteps and soon I was looking down at her shoes. She then wraps her arms around me tightly. I was caught off guard, but hugged back, nevertheless.
She pulls away and looks into my eyes. I felt surprised and sad at the same time. I look away from her and my eyes landed on a picture of me and the boys. I don't know why, but tears started to stream down my cheeks.
I guess, it's because I'm just now realizing how lucky I was to have so much friends to love me and care about me. But, I just never realized that or I refused to believe it or I just didn't want them to get involved.
When the stuff with my mum happened, everything and everyone around me was nothing but sad. They either pitied me or looked down at me. Pitied me for having such a bad life, everybody knew my life at home when the news about my mum's attempt to kill me spread like the black plague. Everyone looked down at me because they knew, in the inside, I was weak. And all of what I am ― All of what I was. Was nothing, but a mask to cover up who I truly am and what I truly felt.
Eva might have been a cruel and mean to me, but she overall cared about me in a way. She noticed that I was in a bad position at school so she convinced my father to make us move some place else. We ended up moving from Mullingar, Ireland to London, Great Britain. From there, I sort of started a new life. For better and for worse. Nobody in my school knew about my life, but my teachers since it was in my record. Though they never bothered to mention it because they knew it was a dark past of mine I didn't want to remember.
It's amazing how I came from the bottom on my social life and suddenly became one of the most popular people at my school, for a bad reputation or not. I have such great friends, and I somehow failed to realize that until now. I used to feel so alone. But, this is a new chapter in my life and I just simply have to move on from the previous chapter;
But, it's important to never forget any chapters in your life.
Painful or not, your past makes up who you are right now. Whether you're happy with who you are right now or not, it still makes up who you are right now and you are important.
I was knocked back to reality when I felt unusual pressure and warmth. I realized I was in a group hug. I laughed and wiped my tears away, despite the fact that it kept falling.
"I love you guys."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[[ one month later ]]
I managed to get a job at Ikea. It should be a good thing, but it just reminded me of Ashley. It was the same Ikea we had our little 'cheap date' in. Everything just made the memories of her flood back. It was such a stupid date, but she looked so happy and content with it.
Call me dumb, but even the meatballs remind me of her.
I'm still working on finding out where she moved to. Sometimes, I just want to give up and stop looking for her, let life just take it's course. She probably hates me for all the mistakes I've made, small ones and big ones. But there were also other things that makes me think that she still wants to see me. Like when she tried to come inside my room whilst I was in the hospital or the little letter she sent me. So, I'm going to continue looking for her. But, if for some reason she doesn't want to see or talk to my again then I'll just turn around and leave her alone.
Because who am I to ruin someone's happiness for mine?
I finish up my shift and check out. I said 'farewell' to my coworkers and got into my car. I let out a sigh as I lean my back against the seat. I relaxed for a little bit before I started my car. My phone goes off and I check the Caller ID. I was shocked when it said 'Maudsley Hospital'
Am I already going to get admitted back in?
I answer and press my phone against my ear. "Hello?"
"Niall River!" I hear an enthusiastic and happy voice shout. My lips burst out into a smile and I laugh.
"Emma," I say back and chuckle. "What's up?"
"Niall, they're letting me out of the hospital." Emma says cheerfully. After that, I couldn't hear much but squealing and stomping.
"That's great!" I say cheerfully. "When? Why? How?"
"You'll know when you come to Moodsy, don't keep me waiting!"
I didn't have the time to answer as she already hung up. Emma and I used to joke around, calling Maudsley 'Moodsy' since it was really moody. Specially with Emma right now. Because you would be surrounded by lifeless people and there's just her, loving life.
I drove to Maudsley Hospital shortly after and Emma comes skipping out.
"Nini!" She shouts out as she runs towards my car in full sprint. Her blonde hair whipping behind her.
"Eminem!" I shout back as I get out of my car. She jumps into my arms and I hug her tightly, missing the feeling of it.
Emma and I had a lot of inside jokes. Most people just pronounces 'Nini' like 'Nay-nay' but she full on pronounces it like 'Nee-nee'. I couldn't call her 'Em' because of Emily, so I decided to call her 'Eminem' when I saw her rapping Eminem in the middle of the dining room. That was actually how we met.
'Love The Way You Lie' was playing on the radio and I was half-heartedly singing along to the chorus. And when the first verse came on she ran in screaming 'this is my jam!' she saw that I was singing it and we had an awkward duet. It was kind of forced, I didn't want to do it, but I was basically forced by her happiness to keep singing.
"Why did they let you out?" I ask as I pull away.
"My parents stopped paying for the hospital fee." Emma answers, laughing.
"That explains it." I chuckle.
"I need a place to crash and I just about have no friends but you, Ni. Can I crash at your place?" She asks hopefully, looking me in the eye with her hazel eyes.
"I don't have my own place, I live with a friend." I say and she frowns. "But, he's a really nice guy and I'm sure he'll let you stay."
She smiles and nods. "Can we get something to eat first, though? I forgot what outside food tasted like."
"Sure." I say and start driving towards a Nandos.
(a/n: if y'all call that carroty get ur head out of ur ass, its not a hat. its a fuckin' famous restaurant in the uk and if i want to make them eat there ill make them eat there. this is why people think we're 10 year olds, we hate on each other for not knowing enough about one direction or if we mention stuff from the past. get over it. rant out.)
On the way there, Emma just continued to tell me stories ever since I left. Though, I kept getting distracted by the huge scar that ran across her neck. Should I mention it now that we're in the public or would she get offended? She didn't care back in the hospital since a lot of people understood her there or they just simply don't care.
"Emma." I say and she stops talking.
"What?" She asks.
"Your scar."
"What about it?"
"Aren't you scared of what people are going to think?"
She falls silent and leans back on her seat, pulling her knees to her chest.
"I would say 'no' since I'm always in denial. I always try not to care what people think about me. Most of the time, I honestly don't care. But.." She trails off. I watch her in the corner of my eye as she trails her fingers on the big scar. "This is not small. I don't care what people think about my personality, my face, my weight, my self-caused scars. But this one is so big and obvious, I don't know."
"Emma, I honestly would like to support you, but I'm self conscious, too." I say, laughing nervously and wrapping my hand around my neck. I had a mark that goes around my neck from where I tied the rope on my first attempt. It wasn't as bad, it was just a burn scar and it would go away.
"Shut up." She says, smacking my arm. "Yours isn't obvious at all, mine is going to be there forever."
"If it bugs you we can go to some make up store where we can buy things to cover it up." I offer. "You can just cover it up until you're comfortable with you're skin and who you are, who you were."
"You're so deep, Niall." Emma laughs and smiles at me. "I guess, I'll just go with that. I know sooner or later I'll get tired of it and eventually be comfortable with my skin. I got so tired with wearing bracelets and long sleeves all the time. I kind of just stopped wearing them and accepted myself at the same time."
"I wish I could be like that." I say as I tug down on my sleeves. Sure, I was clean for over a year. But, scars last a lifetime. I wish I never would've done this to myself. I told myself 'It's fine, you'll be wearing long sleeves all the time since it's always too cold' but there are times where I don't want to wear long sleeves or can't for the most part. I used to wear sleeves all the time during [American] football practice. I'm sure my team knew, but either didn't care or didn't want to mention it.
"You'll learn to accept yourself someday. Something I learned at Nineteen." Emma says, patting my head.
Did I fail to mention that twenty one year's old?
Most people thought our friendship is weird. But, I'm only three years younger. On my eighteenth birthday, somehow Emma had some liquor. And we just drunk our hearts away that day. We probably also said some things we never would've told each other if we weren't drunk. But, we don't remember anything from that day so it's perfectly fine.
We soon got to Nandos. We ordered our food and sat down on the table. First we looked at each other silently. It was quite awkward. Mainly because Emma was trying to make it awkward. She picked up a sauce bottle and started to read it out loud.
"0 grams fat, huh?" She says, raising an eyebrow at the bottle. "You callin' me fat, punk?"
I chuckle and smile. Emma puts down the bottle and looks at me.
"You look like you've been gaining weight." She says, I nod and she smiles. I wasn't a bad thing. I was stick thin when I left the hospital.
"That's good. What have you been up to?" She asks.
"Looking for Ashley." I say, leaning back on my seat and looking up at the ceiling.
"You have no idea where she is?" She asks in surprise, leaning against the table and looking at me intently.
"I know she's in the U.S. But, that's about it. I'm working on finding where she is." I look at her as curiosity was written all over her eyes.
"Are you ready to tell me more about her?" She asks eagerly.
In the hospital, I barely told Emma about Ashley. It was a sensitive subject of mine and it was one of the reasons I was in there and I was genuinely trying to recover. While I can admit that, I still struggle with so many things. But, I guess, that's just life. Not everything gets better all at once, just one at a time; baby steps.
"I guess," I shrug. "What do you want to know?"
"What happened between you two?" She asks straightforwardly. I was caught off guard and was completely silent. I thought she would go easy on me at first with light questions, but she completely cut to the chase.
I was about to say something, but was interrupted by our waiter giving us our food and it seemed like Emma forgot everything that just happened. She stared at her food with so much love, it made me want someone to look at me like how she was looking at her meal right now.
We didn't really talk the entire time we were eating. There are times when you're eating and you're just in the moment and you're just really enjoying your food, you know? When it just tastes so good.
Okay, I just made eating sound like sexual intercourse.
Smooth, Niall.
I paid for the food before leaving, ignoring Emma's 'I'll pay you back' whining. We got back into my car and I start the car.
"Okay, back to the subject. What happened?" She asks, obviously not going to let me off the hook.
"Err, it's kind of a long story but I'll try to sum it up. She moved to my school, I tried to make a move on her but she just rejected me, we got closer and closer, a lot of huge friend drama, and somewhere in the midst of chaos, I fell in love with her." I say, not taking my eyes off the road.
Emma pinches my cheek and I swat her hand off. "You're so cute, Nini."
"Shut up. A three year difference doesn't make me a child." I huff. She pokes my cheeks and laughs.
"You're pouting, Nini. You're obviously a child."
"Eat shit, Emma." I say, glaring at her playfully. She gives me a big grin before looking back at the road and smiling at the streets.
"Never thought I'd appreciate London's beauty this much. That damn shit-hole-of-a-hospital just makes London look like the most beautiful thing in the world." She says, smiling as we go across the London bridge.
"Even if people piss in our 'iconic' telephone boxes?" I ask, chuckling.
"Even if people use the telephone boxes as a bathroom, it's still beautiful." She says, chuckling with me.
We soon got to Liam's house and I opened the door and found him on the dining table, typing away on his laptop. He looks up with excitement and then confusion.
"Niall!" He says with a wicked grin on his lips.
"Liam," I say back, looking at him with suspicion. "Why are you so happy?"
"I wanted to see if I can help you find out where Ashley lives and.. and it worked!" He said, smiling at me happily.
"How?!" I ask running over to him.
"Well, I asked Harry to talk to Audrey and Audrey talked to Venus and Venus inboxed Ashley on Facebook asking where she lived because she wanted to visit her." Liam explained quickly.
I looked at him in shock. If only I had known it would be that easy. But, the important thing is that I finally know where she is. I can finally talk to her and apologize to what I've done to her. I can hold her in my arms and I can just.. be beside her. Just the feeling of having her next to me is just fine for me.
"Umm, Niall?" Liam says, interrupting my thoughts.
I look at him with a questioning look. "What?"
"Will you ever so kindly tell me who this young lady is?" He asks, nodding towards Emma.
"Shut your pretty little mouth about 'young lady' I'm, like, three damn years older than you." She says jokingly, a little smirk on her mouth. Liam frowns and looks at me.
"Sorry, she could be a little sassy." I say, laughing and scratching the back of my head. "Liam, that's Emma."
"Nice to meet you, Emma." Liam says, smiling at her.
"Nice to meet you, too. Sir Ilyn Payne." Emma says, nodding. Liam furrows his eyebrows at her in confusion. "What? You've never seen Game of Thrones?"
"I'm afraid not." Liam says, shaking his head. "But, I've heard lots about it."
Emma smiles and nods. Her eyes then go wide and looks at me. "GAME OF THRONES!"
Her sudden burst out caught me of guard and both Liam and I flinched. We looked at her puzzled.
"Oh, seven hells! How long has it been since I've been in that damn hospital?" She mumbles to herself, pacing back and forth just thinking, "3 years? So, it's been 3 Aprils." She turns to look at us with a wide grin on her lips. "Three Aprils!" She shouts happily.
"So.. ?" I trail off, waiting for an answer.
"There's three new seasons since I last watched it! Thank the Gods! The old and the new!" She says happily, jumping up and down.
"You make no sense." I chuckle.
"When do I?" She turns to me seriously. "Tell me, Niall James Horan, when do I actually make sense?"
I chuckle and shook my head. "Liam, I know I'm asking for a lot, but can Emma stay with us until she gets back on our feet? I owe her so much and I don't want to leave her alone in the dumps."
"Yeah, sure, why not?" Liam shrugs. "Can I ask why she can't live with her family though?"
"No idea where they live." Emma says, shrugging. "The reason why I got released from the hospital is because they stopped paying the fees for me to stay there."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Liam frowns.
"It's fine, I don't care about my stupid family." She walks up to me and hugs me tightly from the behind. "Niall is my family now."
"God, you are cheesy." I chuckle, letting her smother me as I've gotten used to it.
"What? You are." She laughs.
Liam shows her around the place and tell's her where she'll be sleeping, her bathroom, and everything else she needs to know. I took Liam's laptop and messaged Venus saying 'thank you'. I need to visit her some time. Despite the fact that we used to hate each other, I really owe her.
Ashley Marie Johnson,
Here I come.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[[6 months later]]
I had finally collected enough money to go to America. Ashley had moved to Minnesota and I had arrived at the airport around three in the afternoon. I walked down the hall that connects the airplane to the airport and breathed as soon as I set foot into the airport. I quickly got some food before heading for the conveyor belt. I got my luggage and took a cab to my hotel.
I felt really anxious and nervous, but that's good, right?
I decided to take a shower to relax a little bit.
I went over my plan in my head, as I've done about 50 times already. Tomorrow, I'm going to buy some flowers (cheesy, I know.) and appear by her door. She'll look at it and I'll explain my situation, hopefully she'll find it in her heart to forgive me. If she doesn't, well that's it. I guess, I'll find something else to do with my life.
I got out of my shower and slipped on some clothes before heading to a florist. I looked through their selection of flowers. I want to know which flowers I could pick before tomorrow, I think it would help. The elderly woman, who owned the shop, approached me with a smile on her lips.
"You going to get flowers for a special someone?" She asks, looking at the flowers I was looking at.
A smiled appeared on my lips as I say. "Yeah, Ashley."
"And who might she be?" She asks.
"A girl that makes me happy. I did something that caused me to hurt her. I'm hoping I can win her back." I sigh.
"I think she would appreciate a simple but romantic and beautiful bouquet of flowers." She says as she pulls out ones that were white roses with pink tips with baby pink roses before handing it to me. "A beautiful bouquet of roses for a beautiful young lady."
I take it and look down at it. I was unsure if I should take her advice and get these or get a bouquet of all red roses. I looked at her and she looks at me with a small frown.
"What's wrong, dear? Are you troubled?" She asks, putting her hand on my cheek.
"I'm just worried." I sigh and smile at her. "I don't want to mess up anything because I really want her back."
She puts her hands down and smiles at me. "I'm sure she'll take you back. A handsome young man like you who would go as far as going to a different country to win a girls heart will sure get any girl he wants."
I chuckle. "How do you know I'm from a different country?"
"Your accent. It reminds me of someone dear." She takes an orchid flower from one of the bouquets and smelled it. "He used to love orchids."
"Who was he?" I ask.
"Perhaps you'll want to talk about it with a cup of tea?" She asks.
"I would love a cup of tea." I put down the bouquet of flowers and follow her into the backside of the shop.
I sat down on a chair that was connected with a small round table and a big doily in the middle, on top of the doily was a cute little tea set. She pour both of us cups of tea and sat down.
"I'm Pam, by the way." She smiles at me sweetly.
"I'm Niall." I smile back.
We had a little moment of silence as we sipped our tea. The familiar warm drink soothing my nerves.
"So, you wanted to know about Henry?" She asks. I nod. "Henry and I met when I was only sixteen and he was seventeen. He's been living in America for about five years at the time, but he still had a British accent. I met him at school when he was dared by his friends to go ask me out on a date, a bouquet of orchids in his hands." She chuckles and smiles. "We ended up actually liking each other. The year of 1972 was fun, spending it with him. He left for the Vietnam war in December 1973. He never came back." She smiled at her tea sadly. "He picked the orchids because he thought it was like me."
"How so?" I asked. The story truly saddened me. War is such a stupid thing, I don't understand why it is even a thing. Why couldn't we have thought of a less violent way to solve conflict between countries?
"People thought orchids were ugly, but he thought they were pretty. Same as how people thought I was ugly, but he thought I was beautiful."
"He sounds like he was a great man." I say, sipping my tea.
"He was, and so are you." She says, putting a hand on top of my hand that was resting on the table. "Listen, if Ashley won't take you, I will." She jokes. I laugh and smile.
"I'll keep that in mind." I chuckle.
We continued to talk about life in general. It was nice talking to her. Elderly people are so nice and just have more experience than us. I wish I could be like Pam when I grow old.
"Pam, I should get going." I say as I checked the time. It read 8 P.M. and my body is still in UK time, so it's about 2 A.M. for me and I'm getting really sleepy. "I'm very tired."
"Oh, I'm sorry for keeping you here." She says standing up.
"It's fine, I enjoyed my time." We hugged for some time and pulled away.
"Visit me tomorrow after seeing Ashley."
"Will do."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[[ next day ]]
I got up and ordered food from room service before taking a quick shower. I styled my hair up in a quiff and finished up as room service arrived. I scarfed down my food before opening up my laptop. I looked through my emails until a FaceTime call from Emma popped up on my laptop. I answered and jumped at the sight of just her plain eyeball staring into my soul. She laughed and took the camera away from her eye.
"Did you do it yet?" She asks, propping her phone up on something. She was sprawled out in her bed.
"No." I squint at my screen and frown. "Is that my shirt?"
"Nope." She says before hiding under her sheets. Wait.. she doesn't have sheets.. or a bed..
"Is that my room?!" I exclaim. Noticing that it was oddly familiar because it's my room and my bed.
"Maybe." She laughs.
"What are you doing in my room and why are you in my shirt?" I roll my eyes.
"Your bed is more comfy than the couch and because your shirt is comfy." She shrugs. "You love me so you can't hate me for this."
"Don't push it." I say, obviously an empty threat.
Emma pouts. "You can't hate me for such small things, Nini."
"You make me sound like a 9-year-old boy whenever you call me 'Nini'." I laugh.
"Because you are." She says, sticking her tongue out at me.
"Look who's talking." I scoff, she flips me off and I laugh.
"Well, I just called to say good luck and that it'll go smoothly if you ignore your nerves." She gives me an overly exaggerated grin.
"Thanks, Emma."
"No problem, kid. Love ya!" She says. She hangs up before I can say it back and I roll my eyes.
I get myself together and slipped on some clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror for a couple minutes before turning back around and walking out of the room. I made my way back to the florist and grabbed the same bouquet of flowers Pam picked for me, the white roses with pink tips mixed in with baby pink roses. I walked over to the cashier and Pam smiles at me.
"You can have it for free." She says kindly.
"No, it's fine. I've more than enough money, I'll feel bad for not paying." I say as I continue to pull out my wallet. "And the tea yesterday was lovely, I owe you."
I put down the cash on the table for her to take. I look up at her and she's shaking her head.
"Take it for free." She says, completely having her heart set.
I laugh and just turned around to leave, not waiting for change or a receipt.
"I said take it for free." She says, rushing over to me with my money.
"Thank you, Pam, but no thank you." I walked out of the store and back into my cab. I turned to look at the shop before the cab took off and Pam was just smiling at me.
The longer the ride was, the more my nerves started eating me away. I'm so nervous. I feel chills going up my spine that just makes me squirm on my seat, my palms are clammy, I'm fidgeting around. Overall, I'm an anxious mess.
Soon, the cab came to a stop and felt my stomach doing flips. I paid the driver before walking towards the house. I went to go check the address that I've written on a piece of paper to make sure I wasn't at the wrong place. I walked up the steps, taking in every creek the wood makes. I stood in front of the door and took deep breaths.
Inhale, exhale.
I hover my finger over the doorbell and hesitantly pressed it.
I hid my hands behind my back and started to claw on my palms. I never thought I'd be so nervous because of a doorbell. Seconds pass and I only felt the anxiety in me raising and my hopes crashing. I bit on my lip and started to gnaw on it. I look down at my feet and shifted them anxiously. The door opened and I looked up quickly. A frown immediately formed on my lips.
It was Nathaniel.
I have a feeling he won't be very happy with me considering the permanent grimace and sneer on his face.
"The fuck are you doing here, Horan?" He asked harshly.
"I-I'm here to, uh, you know, um, talk to your sister." I say, biting on the insides of my cheeks.
"Well, she doesn't want to fucking see you so you might as well piss off." He seethed.
I looked down at my feet and just let the sadness overtake me. He's right. I'm probably the last person that she wants to see.
I turned around, letting my arms drop to my side and started to walk away.
What did I expect?
"Nate, that is no way to talk to someone!" I hear a voice say. I turn around and saw their mum. "Niall? What are you doing here?"
"He's here to talk to Ash." Nathaniel says, laughing and turning around to leave.
I've always loved how kind hearted their mum is. She let me leave that letter for Ashley and she comforted me until I had to leave. I guess, kindness runs in the family (unless, your name starts with Na and ends with iel and the center is than)
Their mum wrapped me up into a hug and I hugged back. It completely calmed my nerves and made my anxiousness go down.
"It's really good to see you, you've changed a lot since ―" She cuts herself off when a car pulls up behind us.
"Mum, who's this?" I hear her say. I turn around to look at her and her jaw, literally, drops. "Niall!"
Ashley runs towards me at full speed and tackles me with a hug. I fell backwards and landed on the floor, bringing her with me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close, enjoying the warmth emitting from her body.
She pulled away and looked down on me, her on a push up position. "I haven't seen you in, like, 5 billion years. You look different."
She gets off of me and stands up. I stand up, too. I just smile like an idiot at her and then I noticed the slight blush on her cheeks that was starting to appear.
She's here. I'm here. We're finally together again.
And, God, how I fucking missed her.
Her short height, her beautiful blue eyes, her embrace, her warmth.
Her.
"Who's this?" I hear another voice ask, only deeper and more masculine. I looked at the guy and he was tall and quite good looking.
"This is Niall, an old.. uh.. friend." Ashley says to him. "Niall, this is Zach. My, uh, boyfriend."
The guy walks up behind her and hugs her from the behind.
Oh.
"Nice to meet you." I say and smile. He nods as an answer.
"Niall, come in, come in. We have a lot of catching up to do." She says as she pulls away from Zach and starts walking in.
"Actually, I have to go." I say as I pick up the bouquet of flowers that were dropped on the floor. She turned around and saw the flowers and I saw her frown.
"Niall, is that for me?" She asks me, her lips agape from shock.
"Bye." I say plainly before turning around and running down the street.
That was it.
That was fucking it.
1 year, 7 months, 2 weeks, 4 days.
And it was all for nothing.
I'm not mad at Ashley, I'm not mad at Nathaniel, I'm not mad at Zach.
I'm mad at myself.
I'm mad at myself for screwing up, mad at myself for making a move on Lizzy, mad at myself for being dunk, mad at myself for ending up in a mental institute, mad at myself for being an asshole to Ashley, mad at myself for being too late, mad at myself for taking too long to find out where Ashley is, mad at myself for not telling the boys about my troubles, mad at myself for existing,
Mad at myself for loving her.
It fucking sucks.
Working for something for so long and you don't even fucking get what you want. Not only is it heart breaking, but it's hope crushing. And you start thinking where you went wrong, what you could've done differently so you would've gotten what you wanted in the first place. You blame yourself because nobody else to blame but yourself for being stupid. I was too hopeful, too smug, too sure of myself. I told myself if Ashley wasn't an option anymore, I'll just turn my back and leave.
But, I didn't fucking know it would hurt this much.
Pitter-Patter-Pitter-Patter-Pitter-Patter-Pitter-Patter
It starts to rain and I scream at the sky.
It was as if the sky was imitating me. My thoughts were dark and so were the skies.
I threw the bouquet into a dumpster behind some Walgreens. I start going to the florist shop and Pam smiles at me. Her expression then changed when she saw the sadness written all over my face.
"Oh, honey, come back now. I'll make some tea." She says as she gestures for me to follow her back into her house that was connected to the shop.
She puts down a cup in front of me and wrapped a blanket around me. She sat opposite of me and looked at me calmly.
"What happened?" She asked.
I looked down at the warm cup of tea. The pain has started to turn into numbness. I felt dull and lifeless. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide from the world.
I took the tea and took a sip.
"She has a boyfriend." I say.
"It may seem like the end of the world, but it isn't. Someday, you'll find someone who makes you as happy as Ashley did; maybe even happier." She says firmly.
I shook my head. "I've never met a girl like her and, trust me, I've met a lot of girls. Ashley would always push away whatever she was doing just so she could comfort me, she would help me calm down when I'm having an anxiety attack, she would make me happy when I'm sad. She's overall just an amazing person."
"You'll move on." She says, a sweet smile on her lips.
"I don't think I ever will." I know she was only trying to comfort me, but words were just spilling out of my mouth like a sink that had a broken lever.
"Well, you'll at least learn to live with it." She says. "I learned from an old friend before that things don't just 'get better', you just learn to live with it."
"Your friend sounds like a good person." I say and sip my tea.
She scoffed. "For awhile, maybe. One day, he just stopped talking to me for no reason."
"What an asshole." I say, laughing. I then covered my mouth. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to curse."
"It's fine." She assures me with a smile. "But, it really is true. When there's suddenly a big sad time in your life, you just learn to live it. You 'get over it' as people say. Your significant other left you? You learn to live with it and you move on with your life. Life doesn't stop for anyone, every second of everyday it keeps going. And sadly enough, you're dying. You're always dying. So, you should live your present life to the fullest rather than living in the past."
"Thanks, Pam." I say and stand up. "I think I'm going to go back to my hotel."
She nods and gives me a hug before I left. I sigh as it was still raining.
Pitter-Patter-Pitter-Patter-Pitter-Patter-Pitter-Patter
I walked back to my hotel which wasn't very fun and sunk into my bed. I ordered some food from room service and opened my laptop. I call Emma and her tired face appears on the screen.
"Nini, how'd it go?" She asks, rubbing her face and yawning. I realized it's about midnight at London right now, but she didn't seem to mind.
"She has a boyfriend." I say plainly. The numbness has completely taken me over and it feels like I don't care anymore.
"Oh, my God." She says, looking worried and sad. "I am so sorry, Niall. I ― are you okay?"
I shrug. "I think I'm actually really sad, but I just feel really numb. I'm waiting for room service to bring me my food."
She giggles. "Typical you, using food for comfort."
"Pretty sure everybody does that, Emma." I chuckle.
"Not me. Three years of eating hospital food really got me hating food." She says, faking a puking face and sound. "At first it was fine, I'm not too picky. But, I really started to miss Chinese take out about 2 weeks in, then I started to miss Mexican, then I started to miss Thai, then I started to miss food in general. Home cooked, fast food, foooooood." She says, rolling over in my bed and hugging her stomach. "I'm getting really hungry, now."
"Then, get some food. Fridge is always full." I say, laughing at her.
"Yeah, it's been a lot more full now that you're not here, too." She laughs as she gets off of the bed and brings the laptop downstairs. "I think Liam gets home in about 10 minutes."
I raise an eyebrow. "You started to notice when he gets home?"
"Niall, I live with the guy," She laughs as she opens the fridge and looks for something. "I know when both of you leave for work and when you come back. Plus, I'm nosy so ―" She turns around with a banana in her mouth. She removes it from her lips to talk. "I find it odd that you guys store your banana's in the fridge."
I shrug. "It used to go bad really fast since Liam and I wouldn't really eat it. Liam is more a protein guy as I'm more of a cereal and fast food guy."
"I think you're both of a 'whatever-Emma-cooks' guy." She says, sticking her head back in the fridge once she finishes the banana.
"Stop, you're going to make me miss your cooking." I groan. Emma cooks some pretty good food. Liam and I aren't really skilled at cooking. We usually got microwave food or whatever is easy to cook, even then we'd burn it easily. Emma makes food from scratch and doesn't burn the food. So, whenever Emma cooks Liam and I are happy little boys.
"It's not that good, I don't get why you guys worship it." Emma laughs. She looks up when there was a sound of what seemed like a door opening and closing. "Lili!" She cheers. Yes, she also gave Liam a nickname.
"Hey, Emma." I hear him say.
"Liam!" I shout.
"I'm on FaceTime with Niall." Emma says. Liam scurries over and waves at me, I wave back.
"How'd it go, Niall?" He asks.
"She's moved on." I say. "She has a new boyfriend now."
"Wow, what a douchebag." Liam says, knowing that insulting whoever I hate always makes me feel better.
"Yeah." I scoff. "His name is Zach."
"Zach. Typical fuckboy name." I hear Emma say from somewhere in the kitchen. "He's probably tall, dark haired, and masculine. But, he's probably an asshole and a player and a cheater."
"Hey!" I say in a whiney voice. "I'm an asshole and a player." I say, putting a hand on my chest, as if I'm offended.
"You were, that's for sure. But, you're not anymore." Liam laughs.
"Liam!" Emma gasps and whacks Liam with her hand. All I hear was 'splat' and they both gasped.
"Emma." Liam laughs.
"IT'S ALL OVER MY CROTCH! OH, MY GOD IT'S SO COLD! LIAM HELP!" I hear Emma scream, out of screen.
I raise an eyebrow at Emma's words, but just watched.
"Okay, um." Liam says as he takes off his shirt and throws it at her. "Use that, we ran out of paper towels yesterday."
"Bullshit, you're only doing that to show off." I tease, laughing. Liam turns to glare at me.
"We all know Liam likes his older women." Emma giggles, obviously talking about Liam's ex-girlfriend, Danielle.
"Oh, screw you both." Liam says before walking away.
"Liam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to mention her." Emma says. I see her run across the screen and a loud thud, followed by grunts.
"What the fuck happened?" I ask.
Emma walks back into the frame with a frown. "Liam's pissed at me."
"Damn, right!" I hear Liam scream.
"I went to go hug him, but I tripped over something and made both of us fall on the ground." Emma says, scratching the back of her neck.
"Smooth."
"I know."
"Anyways, I'll leave you to eat and sleep."
"Okay, bye. Love ya."
"Love you, too."
The call ended and once again,
I'm alone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[[ 3 days later ]]
My flight back home is in about four hours. It's 8 P.M. and I'm trying to keep myself occupied until I have to leave. I'm on FaceTime with Emma and Liam, but Liam has already fallen asleep on Emma's lap.
"God, why does it have to be on my lap." Emma sighs, looking down at Liam.
"Don't lie, you like it." I tease.
"Liam is a child." She scoffs.
"You liked a 9-year-old when you were 12." I point out. "Same age difference as you and Liam right now."
"Are you trying to hook us up because no." Emma says. She then furiously shakes Liam to wake him up and he groans. "Get off of me, you cunt."
Liam then opens his eyes and makes eye contact with Emma. He stares at her for a couple of seconds before standing up and walking away. I hear a door slam and Emma and I look at each other. She looked confused and it also looked like she was blushing.
"What was that?" I ask.
"I don't even know." She says, a little breathy. "He kind of just stared at me and then got up and rubbed his face, stormed to his room and slammed the door."
"Weird." I laugh. "Hey, I'm going to go. I'll let you sleep."
"Okay, ni-night, Nini." She says her favorite line and hangs up.
I cackle lowly before ordering some food. Hotel food is great. It's like fine dining in an extremely comfortable bed. That seems like the life I want to live.
I started playing a random mix on Spotify before just internet browsing. Soon, there were knocks on my door and I quickly slipped on a pair of pants to answer it, as I was only wearing boxers. I opened it and was shocked when I was greeted by Ashley, rather than room service. She looked highly upset and were in tears.
"Ashley, what are you.." I let myself trail off. "Here, come in."
I let her in and put a 'do not disturb' sign on my door knob. Would be bad if Ashley is venting to me and room service came by. I turn around and she was clinging onto my wrist tightly. I wrapped her into a hug and she feebly wrapped her arms around me. I let her sob onto my chest until she calms down and pulls away, weakly holding onto my left wrist.
"What happened?" I ask, cupping her face with my right hand.
"Zach." She says under her breath.
I scowl as the anger in me started to raise. I let my hand drop to my side and my hands turn into fists.
"What the fuck did that asshole do?" I ask through gritted teeth.
She shakes her head. "He cheated."
I fell silent, the rage in me rising and rising higher with every second passing.
"That fucking douchebag. I'll fucking teach him not to fucking do that. You deserve so much more better than that." I turn around to leave and go find this punk.
I start to walk back towards my door, my blood boiling in my veins from the rage. I stopped myself when Ashley wraps her arms around me from my back.
"Don't go." I hear her whisper.
I put my hands on top of hers and gently unwrapped them and turned to look at her.
"Okay, what do you want to do?" I ask her.
"I want to stay here." She says, looking up into my eyes. "With you."
She steps on the tip of her toes and presses her lips against mine. The feeling of her soft lips against mine sent shocks down my spin. I kiss back and grasp her hips in between my fingers, not caring that she was obviously using me as a rebound.
It was either this or nothing.
Our kiss got deeper, our breaths got heavier, our bodies lusted for each other. I push her against the wall and put one of my hands on the wall, the other still tightly on her hips. One of her hands was on my chest and the other caressing the side of my face and jaw.
We slowly made our way to the bed,
Where we will proceed to show each other our love.
__________________________
author's note [7/10/15]:
HOLY
MOTHER
FUCKING
SHIT
ok first off i want to start of with a deep apology for not updating. school ended and i needed some time to myself and yeah.
im not sure how im going to do the epilogue yet but i have an idea.
WASN'T THIS A WILD RIDE HOLY SHIT
im not going to say my goodbye yet bc i still have the epilogue & an afterward.
PROMISE ME YOU'LL READ MY AFTERWARD?????
Love you guys sosososososososoooooooooooooooo much,
Jean Chanty