Part two to 'too much like me' :)
The day dad left for the studio a few weeks ago, I closed the door behind me, I was violently thrown into a panic attack writhing around on the floor hopelessly trying to catch the air that escaped my lungs.
I haven't left the house since, no school, no seeing my friends and I knew they were getting worried but I can't do it.
I sat in my window smoking the cigarette I got from Vinny when he was here, he gives them to me thinking my parents are okay with it, I haven't seen him at all lately so I'm running low.
The cigarettes calmed me down, the alcohol I drank at this point felt like water to my system but I often woke up with cramps and stomach pains which I knew were from the bad habits I had taken up.
Being drunk made me forget about my anxiety and the world around me, just for a single moment I craved to be normal and feel okay.
"Hey y/n," my door opened just as I blew out the smoke I inhaled. I dropped the cigarette on the window ledge trying the cover the smoke but it didn't work, I had been caught.
"Are you smoking?!" Dad asked almost like he didn't want to believe what he had seen but he would be right. "I-I'm sorry-" he cuts me off by walking into my room and putting out the cigarette.
"Downstairs now." He spoke with a sense of authority in his voice and I knew I couldn't disobey him, I followed behind me and we walked into the kitchen where mum was cooking dinner for the three of us.
"Sit." He pointed to the island table we had in the middle of the kitchen, I followed orders and sat down. "They were smoking out the window, Talitha." I rolled my eyes, it wasn't that big of a deal.
Mum turned to stove down so she could give me and Ryan her attention. "What?! Smoking? Really y/n?" My leg bounced, and my hands shook. I tried my best to cover it up but it was no use.
"Why smoking? Was it you taking the alcohol from Justin's house too?!" She accused, I haven't left the house to take any but I did get Vinny to bring me some telling him I had a party and my parents were okay with it.
"N-no! I would never!" I defended myself, that wasn't me but they didn't seem to buy it.
"Okay, what else have you been doing?" Dad asks throwing the cigarette in the bin. "Nothing I swear!"
"Why don't I believe you, y/n?" That made my heart sink, did he not trust me? I had my subconscious telling me they were disappointed in me 24/7 but that just confirmed those thoughts.. they really hate me.
"I promise!" I felt tears rush to my eyes but the looks on their faces told me how much resent and disgust they had for me.
You're not wanted here.
They wish they never had you.
I nodded to my thoughts, what if it is true?
"Well?" Dad snapped also bringing me out of my thoughts. "I'm sorry alright. I'm really sorry."
"What would Chris think? What would any of them think if they saw you like this?" He asks. Why did he have to bring them into this? They were as much as a father figure to me as he was, I loved them all dearly.
I couldn't hold back my sobs anymore and I broke down letting my head hit the table. "Y/n.." my mum spoke softly coming to stand beside me and comfort me. "Tell me what's going on, please. I'm worried about you, we all are." She speaks softly, there's always something about your parents' voices being able to bring you back to reality and keep you calm.
"I don't know how to explain it. This is why I've turned down going to therapy, the medicine I take doesn't help. It makes me feel numb! Lifeless even, how can I explain what I'm feeling to a therapist or anyone when I don't even know myself. I'm sorry I disappointed you and the other okay, I'm sorry I feel like you wished you never had me." I cry out desperately.
"Oh baby no. Don't ever think that, we don't hate you. We are not disappointed in you, we would never regret having you. You're our child, we're all just very worried, even the guys have been calling to check in on you dear." Dad comes and joins in with the hug. My cries came to a stop and mum spoke again, "why the cigarette and alcohol?"
"They make me forget about everything and the cigarettes stop me from panicking. I haven't had a panic attack since that day dad left for the studio at Chris' house." I told them wiping my eyes free of tears.
"You panicked? Why didn't you call me? I would have stayed home with you!" Dad exclaimed, upset that I didn't tell him. Why would I?
"You're working on a new album, that's more important and I was fine after 30 minutes." Dad hugged me tightly. "Nothing is more important, now go get ready. Guess who flew in this morning? I know everyone will be excited to see you again."
Immediate excitement ran through my body, "Ricky and Jaime?!" They both chuckle at my excitement and nod. I squeal and run upstairs but not before hearing mum say, "I'll keep these for leftovers, I'm sure we'll get takeout over there."
I smiled getting ready to go to Chris' house, I ran downstairs slipping on my docs. Both mum and dad laughed at me running down the stairs with one shoe on and one arm in my hoodie.
"Let's get going kiddo." I smiled and we went to Chris', the drive there was was just us screaming Pierce the Veil and HIM. My choice of course.
We got out the car and mum pulled me aside before we went inside, dad went ahead and went inside. "If you feel you need five minutes or need to go home let me know and I'll take you home." I nodded and she kisses my head. "Go on.." she urged. I ran inside happily, "hey! Sitkowski!" Chris greeted, he hugged me lifting me off the floor when he did.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and hugged him tightly. "Nice to see you kid." I smiled into his neck and he set me back on the floor.
"So your second parents don't get any love too?" I spun around to see Ricky stood with his arms out in disbelief while Jaime giggled. I ran to hug them both just as tight.
Once I had greeted everyone I went to see Shae, "how's baby morrow doing?" I ask giving her bump a fist bump.
"They're doing great.." she smiles rubbing her hand over her bump. We spent the night sitting around the fire pit and taking the mick out of Ricky, the usual.
"Hey y/n, want a smoke?" Vin asked, my heart sank.
I look back at mum and dad to ask for permission, dad nods sipping from his beer bottle. I smile and take the cigarette from him, he lit it for me and I inhaled the smoke.
"Not too many of those, mind." Chris warned shaking his finger at me in a dad-like manor. I laughed and offered him some, "no!" I ran to the back of the garden having him chase me and lift me into the air, I laugh loudly when he catches me.
Ryan's POV
Hearing them laugh like that was rare and we all shared smiled at the innocent interaction between Chris and y/n, thinking the same thing.
I had my arm wrapped around Talitha while she cuddled into my chest, I'm so proud of my child. So so proud.
"Y/n, come dance with me!" Jaime yelled standing up from Ricky's hugs, Shae and Talitha joined them while we watched them dance to the music.
I lived for moment like this.. we're all happy with no cares in the world.