My brain stopped processing things about the same time the paramedics dropped down around Ryder on the ice and my friends attempted to cover my view of the scene . Both teams were sent to the locker rooms and somewhere along the way my team moved from the stands to join the hockey team waiting for an update. I am curled up in Ryder's locker wrapped in his jacket. Silent tears are still running down my face as Luna rubs my back and Bray holds my hand. It has been 10 minutes and Coach still isn't back with an update.
"I bet Coach got lost," Bray says, trying to explain why it has been so long.
"Yeah," I mumble as I pull the jacket tighter around me. It smells like Ryders deodorant, all clean and fresh. We had a whole conversation once about it because I said he is probably an Axe deodorant guy and he was extremely offended.
Silence settles over the room again as we all stare at the door, waiting. The only sound in the room is someone's leg anxiously bouncing. More tears fall as I think about spring break when Ryder put his hand on my leg to make the bouncing stop.
Finally the door opens and Coach walks in with only one of the assistant coaches. "He is awake. Mike called me from the ambulance and he is awake and talking. Fucking kid is always a chatter box."
Bray bites his lip but a choked sob still manages to escape. Even Coach has a few tears running down his face that he attempts to hide from everyone. "We have about 10 minutes before the game is going to resume. We are finishing this fucking strong. Preston you are back in so get dressed. For everyone else do not drop to their level. Both Defenders have been removed from the game, so keep it clean."
Bray lets go of my hand and stands up. "As Ryder would say, dirty players play dirty because they aren't good enough to play clean. We are good so let's play this game the way he would want us all to."
Everyone claps and cheers and slowly the energy comes back to the room. We do our best to hype up the team before they have to go back out. Well not we, because I am still sitting in the little locker numb to everything that has transpired in the last 30ish minutes, but my team tries.
As the refs come to tell the guys to return to the ice they all file out with a look of determination. They may have never told Ryder they love him but their looks say it all. I don't make a move to leave even as my friends begin to walk back to the stands.
"Francesca?" Coach calls my name as I toy with the sleeve of the jacket. "Mike texted me and said he can have visitors, why don't you go."
I look up at him in shock. I can go see him? I nod my head not trusting myself to speak. Coach hands me a post-it note with the address of the hospital and Mike's number scribbled on it. Luna is still glued to my side and she thanks him for me before helping me up.
"Wait," I tell her as she begins to lead me out. Tristian is waiting at the door with his keys already in hand.
I run back to Ryder's locker and grab his hat along with his phone, everything else the team can grab later. I walk out with his jacket still on as Tristian and Luna lead me as quickly as they can to the car.
Tristian pulls up to the hospital and Luna takes my phone to text Mike for me. I am still on autopilot waiting to catch up to the rest of the world that seems to be moving so quickly without me. "You were right," I whisper as she types on my phone.
"What love?" she asks softly, being so gentle with me like I will break at any second.
"I love him." I love Carson Ryder and if something happened to him I would never be the same. I would never be able to step on the ice without memories of him flooding my mind. My life would be so dull compared to the light he has brought to it the last few months. I never realized how boring I was until he came along and forced me to live.
Luna gives me a small smile, hugging me to her side. "I knew that already. It is written on your face every time you look at him."
I hate that it took this for me to finally realize it but hey sometimes we just need a kick in the ass to admit what we already know.
"Do you want me to come with you Fran?"
"No," I tell her softly, though I am already second guessing that answer. He is awake and talking but that is all I know. He is clearly not fine considering he was unconscious for almost 5 minutes. I still am not sure the extent of his injuries so having Luna as support might be a good decision but I already made my choice.
Mike opens the door and reaches for my hand, helping me out of the car. Luna follows and gets into the front seat. "Do you want us to stay?"
"No, go watch the rest of the game. Keep me updated and I will keep you updated." Luna looks unsure but finally nods, telling Tristian they can leave.
"How is he?" I ask Mike as we walk into the hospital.
"I was expecting worse," he admits in a moment of complete rawness. "It seems that he only has a mild concussion and potentially a few broken ribs."
"Only," I bite back bitterly. That is still going to end his season and fuck up his summer.
"I've seen guys take hits like that and never walk again. So yes only," Mike counters.
I swallow uncomfortably as we stop in front of a door. Mike looks like he feels bad for his comment but doesn't say anything about it. "I have to take care of a few things. Can you be his babysitter for a little bit?"
"Yeah, I got it."
Mike nods and points to the door as his phone rings. I open it slowly, not sure what to expect. The last time I was in a hospital was when my cousin had her baby. Before that probably when the twins accidentally pushed Joe off our roof and he broke his arm but that was just the emergency room. Neither of those properly prepare me for this.
"Hey," I squeak as I enter the room. Ryder is on the bed cover in a blanket and fucking with the IV in his arm.
"Beck," he smiles instantly, trying to sit up but winching in pain.
"Relax," I instruct, rushing to his bed so he settles back down. "How bad is it?"
"4 broken ribs and a concussion. They are going to do a CT in a little bit because I kinda took a little nappie nap on the ice but honestly I am fine."
"Fine," I choke out as a rush of emotions hit me. "Fine! I thought you were..." I can't finish the sentence. Instead I grab Ryder's face between my hands and hold him so he has to look directly at me. "I have never been so scared in my life Ryder. Next time, don't fucking taunt the asshole player who has been unnecessarily rough the entire time, because I swear to god if you ever put me through this again I will find you and kill you myself."
Despite being the injured one Ryder pulls me to him and holds me while I sob, reliving the nightmare of watching him just laying there unmoving. I am pretty sure I am supposed to be the one comforting him but as always Ryder is the one taking care of me. "Fuck Francesca, don't cry. You know how hockey is," he says, I can hear the emotions lacing his voice.
"I can't lose you," I choke out trying carefully to move out of his arms so I don't hurt him.
"You won't," he assures me, holding me tighter so I can't escape. "Now stop trying to get away and let me hold you god dammit."
"Your ribs," I defend, still attempting to escape. Broken ribs, a concussion, and who knows what kind of painkiller and yet stubborn as ever.
"All on the left side, you're on my right. Now will you please stop pulling away, I fucking need you close to me. Fuck, please," he begs, his voice cracking.
I finally slip off his jacket and settle next to him on the bed. He wastes no time throwing his arm over my shoulder and pulling me as close to him as possible. Whatever drugs they have him on must be good because he is moving around pretty good for someone who just broke his ribs. "It is ok to admit today scared you Ry."
"I've gotten hurt before, but never like this. I woke up not knowing what was going on and my first thought was what if I could never play again." Ryder is rarely open and vulnerable even with me so I know today really got to him.
"It is scary, but you're going to be ok and back on the ice before you know it."
It gets quiet for a few minutes before Ryder finally speaks. "Do you know the score of the game?"
I pull out my phone and pull up google. I set his phone down on the table instead of giving it to him since I know people with concussions should limit their screen time. "3-1. Bray really stepped up in the locker room."
"He did?" Ryder asks but I can already see the proud smile taking over his face.
"Yeah he gave the team a speech. He quoted you. Everyone looks up to you, you know."
Ryder seems flustered by this revelation and runs his hand through his hair since he can't adjust his hat like he normally would. "I brought you a surprise," I announce.
"A surprise?"
I pull his hat from the pocket of his jacket and place it gently on his head. "You always need a hat."
Ryder adjusts it better than looks down at me. "You are...," he trails off, "amazing, though that doesn't seem to even begin to describe it."
I blush a little as his compliment as a nurse comes in. She checks on Ryder and I find a live stream of the game so he can at least listen to the last period. Once she is gone and he is settled again I raise the volume so we can hear.
Mike comes and joins us eventually, sitting on the chair in the corner completely unfazed by the fact I am in Ryder's hospital bed. A doctor comes in during the start of the third and Ryder somehow sweet talks him into waiting until the game is over for his scan. I scold him for it but he just laughs at me.
"Your health is more important than listening to a hockey game," I argue after the doctor has left.
"I am fine," he shoots back, narrowing his eyes at my overly mothering tone.
"You could have a brain bleed," I point out in frustration.
"It will still be bleeding in 30 minutes when the game is over, Beck."
I screech in frustration which causes Mike to look up for the first time since he walked in. "This is like the third argument I have heard you two have since I got here."
"Shut up Mike," we both snap before returning to our own argument about Ryder's unhealthy love for hockey.
Mike must be bored of us because when the game ends he clears his throat to get our attention. "Coach, Stan, and Bray are going to come stop by so I am going to go wait for them in the lobby."
We both shoot him a half assed thumbs up before going back to our intense debate. "You piss me off," I mumble as Ryder explains to me how he thinks if he drinks enough milk he will be able to play the Frozen Four finals in two weeks.
"Do I," he laughs, poking my cheek.
"Very much so," I pout. "Where is that doctor to wheel your annoying ass away and prove my point?"
"My brain isn't leaking Butt, it was blood from when I had a bloody nose on the ice."
"Likely story Carson. Either way, I will not be dissuaded from being worried about your health."
"I know, that is why I love you," he says so smoothly I am sure I misheard him.
"What," I croak certain he will repeat himself and I will laugh at how stupid I was for thinking Ryder just said he loved me.
"I love you. More than I love hockey, more than I have ever loved hockey. I didn't even know it was possible but it is."
I open and close my mouth, words refusing to come out. I want to say it back and tell him everything but my brain can't seem to form the words. "Ryder," I finally gasp out unable to say anything else.
I am still gaping like a fish when Ryder's doctor barges in with a nurse, Coach, and Stan and Bray on his tail. "The game is over," his doctor says, pointing to his teammates.
Bray and Stan push forward and basically pull me out of the way to get closer to Ryder. I am behind them trying to form a coherent thought while the room begins to bustle with movement.
"Tristian is waiting downstairs still, night Beck," Bray says as he fawns over his best friend.
"Oh uh." My brain still can't form words as Ryder's words play on a loop in my head. He said he loves me.
Ryder is catching up with his friends quickly while his doctor gives Coach an update. I feel unwanted suddenly, pushed off to the side of the room with no purpose. "Night Ry," I call out. I want him to tell me not to leave, to stay, to for once actually finish a conversation, but he doesn't.
"Night Beck. Yeah anyways the drugs are so good guys, basically floating on cloud 9. It is sick."
I wave to no one in particular and leave. I am sad I didn't get to say it back but in a crowded room of people wasn't the time either. I know Ryder isn't good with emotions and stuff so it is no surprise he switched up once there was an audience. But that doesn't change the truth, Ryder loves me. Carson Ryder loves me, more than he loves hockey.
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Author's Note
All I am going to say is don't get too excited yet. Also the next couple chapters have Taylor Swift songs that go with them so that is exciting. They are already on the Double Booked playlist curious if any of you can guess what songs they are.