Have you ever lost something? If you have, you know what it's like, the hollowness, the constant reminder of not having that particular thing.
But what if someday you find it again, there'd be the rush of joy, and the thrill of an ending, and relief that it was all over.
Nicolas and his family made me go through that rush of joy and thrill of happiness.
I can swear on my life, after Mumma left, this week was the best week of my life. I felt like I was the only one. Nicolas treated me like I was a queen and Mama as if I was a princess. It felt so strange, I was not her daughter, hell she hardly knew me then too she made me feel like I was one of the most important part of her life.
I had the time of my life, during the daytime I'd enjoy myself with Mama. Shops, parks, movies with Mama, all of that. But at night I'd be waiting for him. In the middle of the night, he'd come and I'd get the thrill of my life like I knew it was going to happen ever since I was a little kid.
I changed my dinner time and nowadays he and I used to eat together, no matter how many times he tried to convince me to have my dinner but I was also a stubborn woman, I'd always say no.
And a greater part of me knows, he loved every single part of that time.
And that's the reason I never stopped waiting for him.
But you know, happiness and sadness are two sides of the same coin. Good days are like sand, you can't hold them forever however hard you try, they'd slip through your fingers any-f*cking-how.
But bad days are like rain, they're just like what they are, they'll keep on coming, you can't make them go away. The days that are so dark you lose all strength and hope, and faith in your own existence, and all you can do is curse why the hell are you on this earth?
My Mumma's death anniversary was tomorrow. So was my f*cking birthday.
In my heart of hearts, I knew I would never forget that day, how my mother died right in my arms, I felt so miserable and defenceless that day, it can't be described in words, I remember how I cried so hard I cried into her chest. I cried for myself, for my life, for my world, I cried because I felt so lonely, and hopeless.
Every year for the last four years, I'd go to her grave and talk to her for hours and that's because I always ended up in tears. I was a weakling.
For some people, it may sound dramatic but for me, it was the worst day of my life. Only if I had the common sense to judge the people, I'd have known what sort of a best friend he was. The only person whom I trusted with my life took away my desire to live.
For him, I fought with my Mumma, how many times I don't even remember.
The demons of that night had been haunting me for as long as I remember but the night before her death and my so-called birthday, they would turn stronger than ever, they make me relive all those nights I spent crying.
I dreaded sleep today's night. Her cries and screams would haunt me the whole night. I would wake up in the middle of the night and scream for her as if my screams would bring her back.
Last night I left his penthouse. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to be assured no one would see me shattering apart. My Mumma would have hated me for breaking down like that but I couldn't help it. How could I forgive myself when it was my mistake.
I was the reason for her death.
I had tried to convince Nicolas, that I had to leave but he wouldn't let me. In the end, I just wrote a note that I'm leaving. It was a really cowardly thing to do and at that moment I felt so selfish. I felt I had just taken advantage of his generosity but what do I do.
Later at night, I got his call. He didn't talk to me the way he always did, softly and tenderly, he just asked me if I'd reached my house safely. I could clearly sense the anger in his voice, I could sense his disappointment and rage. "You didn't even wait for me to return, Arielle." His voice sounded so cold and stony that the silence that ensued seemed like a vacuum sucking the air out of my lungs.
In the whole forty-two seconds conversation, not once did he call me his amore and however hard I tried to ignore the fact, it hurt me more than the time I was stabbed.
F*cking emotions!
The clock in front of me was ticking and I just sat there staring at it blankly, the only thing I'd been doing for the past three hours. With every passing second, the scenes of that evening flashing in my mind were turning vivid. I felt as if I was reliving that night. I had.
For the past four years and now five. Bloody Demons of the past.
I looked beside me, the album of the photographs I took of her was lying there, the memories were so flamboyant. How could it have ended so unfairly for her?
I picked it up and lightly traced her beautiful smiling face. The clock struck twelve and I couldn't help but smile with tears when I felt her kiss my cheek."Happy birthday my child." She smiled softly and then she disappeared in an instant.
She vanished.
Again.
Suddenly I heard the sound of footsteps coming from my living room. I felt a slight chill go up to my spine. I cautiously stood up from my bed and pulled out a bat from my closet. Gripping it for my dear life, I made my way towards the living room. "Who's there?" My voice made me cringe at how terribly quavering it sounded.
Deafening silence followed and just as I was about to call out again, I heard the lights snap. My eyes widened as I met with a pair of steel-grey eyes.
"Happy birthday." I heard a chorus of voices. I looked behind only to witness the smiling faces of Mama, Kia and Nicolas' friends.
"How-", my throat felt dry as I tried to stop myself from bursting,"-how did you guys get to know?"
"Is it important?", Mama came forward and hugged me."Happy birthday, my dear."
I just stood there like a lifeless statue. My mind was going numb with every passing second.
"Come on, let's cut the cake." She pulled me, her eyes twinkling with happiness and enthusiasm.
"Mama-", I stopped her, "I don't celebrate my birthday. I'm sorry please excuse me."
"Ari.", Kia came forward and I felt an ache in my heart."Please don't go."
"I'm sorry Kia.", I said wiping a tear off my face and running back to my room but before I could lock the door after me, a footstep stopped me from closing it. I felt my heart race like a racing car and I couldn't stop myself from feeling anxious.
"Not today. Just...Just leave.", I said trying to push him out of the way but he didn't budge.
And for that moment I hated his stubbornness.
"No. I'm coming in.", he said impassively."I'm not leaving you alone."
My frustration and despair were taking the face of anger and it was so difficult to control but still, I did. "Please don't make it more difficult than it already is. Please leave." I sounded so weak at that moment that my own soul wanted to cringe with embarrassment and shame.
"Ari-"
"I said f*cking leave," I yelled with so much anger and bitterness that I saw the hurt flash in his eyes. The tears I wanted to stop so badly now fell like rain down my face."Please leave I request you."
My voice was shaking from the immense fear of going through all that again. I felt my knees buckle from the sudden wave of anger. "Nicolas." I started to beg, "I'm already feeling so pathetic, I don't want anyone to see me in this condition. Please just go."
He kneeled before me on the floor and I saw a glint of tears in his eyes."I'm not leaving you alone Arielle. I promise you that."
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close. He placed his other hand under my thighs and carried me to the bed. "I'm not leaving you alone. Never."
The next moment I found myself embracing the life out of him. He softly ran his hands through my hair."It's okay. It's gonna be fine."
I shook my head."It'll never be fine." I cried and he held me tighter.
I don't know how long he held me in his arms but eventually, I pulled away and I saw the tears in his eyes. "I feel like the most pathetic person in the world right now, I just-"
Instantly his finger rose to hush me." You're not. You are strong. Much stronger than you think you are." he said and I saw the tenderness in his eyes.
"No... I'm weak and pathetic and dumb.", my voice grew louder with every word. I laid against his chest as the tears stopped. There were no tears left to cry and as much as I wanted to let it out, I wanted but I wasn't able to.
He wrapped his arms around me pulling me towards him and the next moment I found myself speaking what I'd buried deep inside of me. "Today's my Mumma's death anniversary." I felt his arms tighten around me.
"She died because of me," I said quietly. "It was my twentieth birthday. Dan-", I trembled thinking about that evening." He was my only friend, I thought he understood my awkward, introverted self. He-"my words got stuck in my throat and I felt the tears again. "Mumma always warned me about him but I was so f*cking dense, I never understood her. The day of my birthday he... he convinced me to come to a club to party. I fought with her-" I felt him rubbing circles on my thumb."I fought with her and went with him. That evening he, he tried to mo-" I felt my breathing go uneven."He tried to molest me."I said through my tears. I felt his arms tighten around me like vice grips.
"Mumma was following us, she came and rescued me but in saving me, she got pushed down the stairs. Dan f*cking pushed her."I screamed the last sentence."She died right in my arms, smiling."
I felt him turn me so that we were face-to-face. "She died. Because I didn't listen to her."
"No.", he said softly wiping my tears." She died because she loved you too much. She loved you too much and she wanted to protect you.", I felt him kiss my tears away."She knew it was not your mistake. The f*cker was manipulative."
I let the tears fall as he kissed my forehead."It's the last time, you are crying, amore, I promise."
***