Lee's Chapter
My favorite memories from childhood are the ones where my Dad would take me and my best friend, Sarah, to the mountain. There was this park, and there wasn't a lot to do at the park, but as a little kid with a big imagination, it seemed like the best thing to me. Some swings overlooked the mountains and an old log on the ground that Sarah and I would use as a balance beam because our parents refused to enroll us in gymnastics. I remember the way my pigtails would sway in the wind and the sticks Sarah would keep in the pockets of her cargo shorts. Back then, Sarah wore her hair in two little space buns, and she always wore cargo shorts or overalls. I rocked the stupid shirts that had cats on them and then a skirt to go with it.
From the day we met, Sarah was my best friend. Her smile was contagious, and when she laughed her skin glowed, she'd make me laugh till my stomach hurt and my eyes were watering. When I had a loose tooth, she'd help me pull it out, and she'd bandage my wounds. I'd stick up for her when one of the boys commented on her space buns or overalls. I taught her how to swing across the monkey bars, and I'd give her pep talks before her basketball games. It was me who would ask out the guys she liked for her, and when they said no, I'd help her get over them. We were always there for each other, truly there through thick and thin, through water and fire, rain and shine. From the time we were eight to the present day when we're high school seniors.
School is always a drag, but I get through the day nonetheless. Since I took advanced courses when I was younger, I got to skip out on math class. I can't decide whether I'm excited for senior year. I don't even know what my senior quote is going to be or what college I want to go to. But I'll be happy to be done with high school, and I've heard college gives you so much more freedom. The idea of college being so close is scary but exciting. On one hand, I'm scared I'm never going to amount to anything. But on the other, it's a new world. I'll go away from my parents and finally be free. That's scary too, though, with your parents there's always this sense of codependency. The thought of being alone keeps me awake at night. Knowing that I can't just come home to talk to my parents about a bad day or something that happened during my day, is horrifying.
Speaking of my parents, their relationship is currently hanging on by a thread. Growing up, my Dad always did everything, and he worked a full-time job. But after my Grandma died, my mom just changed. First, it was one beer every night, then two beers at dinner, then two beers at lunch and another two at dinner, and slowly it got worse. She's supposed to be clean, but some mornings I see her add-in something a little extra to drink. She never really got angry when she was drunk, but she was just sad. My mom would get upset at little things and then lock herself in her room for days with nothing but wine bottles. And even when she was sober, the sadness lingered. There were days when she left and didn't come back for days at a time. So I would pick up the empty bottles and the crushed beer cans. Dad and I would eat out and just wait for her to come back. All we hoped for was that she'd come back.
When I woke up, mom was already at work, but I could smell bacon and pancakes coming from downstairs. I threw on some sweatpants, and a t-shirt, then headed to the kitchen. Dad was cooking; it's one of the things he loves to do. I took a seat at the dining table my mom made from the old aspen tree that we used to have in our backyard. My mom used to love building things before she started drinking. Dad gave me my food and then fixed a plate of his own. "So, plans for today?" he asked me as he stuffed a large piece of pancake in his mouth.
"Uhh, none that I can think of," I was hoping he was going to take me shopping or something.
"Well, I don't have any plans either, so wanna eat out tonight and see a movie at the drive-in? You can bring Sarah.'
"Sounds good to me."
We finished up breakfast and then headed out. Sarah only lived a couple of streets over, so typically, she walks to the house, but today we were nice and picked her up. Sarah's house was small but cozy, it had three bedrooms, but the third one was usually empty because her brother was off in college. Her parents are friendly, and they helped us out a lot when mom was in rehab. They're almost like a second family to me, but nowadays, when Sarah and I hang out, we typically go out somewhere instead of sitting at her place.
Sarah walked out of the house in a jean skirt paired with a blue blouse. One of Sarah's signatures was wearing different colored converse with every outfit. Honestly, she'll probably do that with her prom dress. She hopped into the car with a big smile on her face. She's set to get her braces off in two weeks, and I think she's practicing smiling for when she gets her braces off. "Where are we going?" she asked from the back seat.
"Well, the drive-in isn't open until dark, and we just had breakfast, so how about we go up to the mountain and visit the old park and then get dinner?"
"Fine by me," Sarah and I chimed.
The drive up the mountain is breathtaking in the fall, when all the leaves have changed color but are still on trees. The days were getting shorter, and it was just about the sweater season. I'm not a massive fan of the cold, but I love fall, mainly because of Halloween. Last year, Sarah and I dressed up as plague doctors and then scared little kids. But when fall rolls around, so does the depression. It's okay, though. I'll pull through, as I always do.
Finally, we got to the trail that'll take us up to the park. It was obvious that the trail wasn't exactly kept up with, as the plants were overgrown and the trail was crowded by grass that's far too tall. Soon enough, we had reached the park. Not much had changed. It looked almost the same since we last saw it. The swings still squeaked when you sat down or made any sort of movement and the log still threatened to break under your feet, and the roundabout is still there. Sarah and I sat down on the swings. It was nice being back there, but it was weird seeing it hadn't changed. We've changed so much, but the park stayed the same. "Remember that time when you fell and cut your eyebrow?" I asked, thinking of the times we spent together.
"Yeah, or the time you fell and cut your cheek? Had the cut a little higher, our scars could've matched." We both laughed.
"Or the time when we almost broke the swings"
We went back and forth talking about the fun times we spent together at the park. Then we decided to walk across the log to reminisce. The log wasn't nearly as daunting as it used to seem. It's just a log held up by two stumps, and it makes a little balance beam. It's only three feet off the ground, but as kids, that was high. We messed around for a bit more and then decided to leave.
We went to Denny's for dinner. Sarah and I both ordered spaghetti and my Dad ordered a cheeseburger. Dinner was quiet, we didn't talk while we ate. Occasionally we'd tell jokes or talk about school, just small talk stuff, but then we got on the topic of college. I'm not super stoked about college, but I'm sure it'll be fine.
I'm most worried about the fact that Sarah and I aren't going to the same college. We've both got different dreams, and different dreams mean different colleges. Sarah has always been by my side, I don't know what it'll be like to be hours away from her. Sarah's the only friend I've ever had, of course, there were people I'd talk to or maybe hang out with in class, but that was it. She and I did everything together, and I guess I never really developed a sense of self. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when it's just me. It's okay though, I'm sure it'll all work out.
After dinner, we headed for the drive-in. It was an "old school" night, so they were playing ghostbusters. Sarah and I sat cuddled up under a blanket in the trunk of my Dad's red Nissan Rogue. I like the Ghostbusters movies, the movies used to horrify me, but now I'm fine. My Dad got us popcorn and some slushies. I prefer the coke slushies, but Sarah likes the cherry ones. My Dad got a hot dog, which he proceeded to slather mustard on and then wolf down.
After the second ghostbuster movie, I felt myself drifting off to sleep. I was having bad dreams, my depression came back worse, mom dying, Sarah leaving me. And then the classic "falling in your sleep" hit me and I jolted awake. I was no longer in the trunk but in the front seat, Dad decided to leave early since Sarah was tired too. When we got home, Sarah and I headed upstairs to my room. We didn't bother changing out of our clothes, we just dove straight into bed and fell right asleep.
In the morning, when I woke up, Sarah was in the kitchen. My mom was home and chatting with Sarah. I'm not quite sure what about, but I was too hungry to care. Dad made omelets, extra cheesy, just how I like them. My Dad and my mom did not speak to each other. They don't talk much anymore, mom relapsed three months ago and Dad's still angry about it. I just hope Dad can't smell the alcohol on her breath. I saw her slip some whiskey into her coffee when Dad had his back turned.
It's sad, having to watch my parents slowly fall out of love. When I was a kid, they were so in love, I wanted a man to look at me the way my father used to look at my mother. Knowing that they're not in love, I just wish they'd split and get it over with. I don't know if they'll ever officially split. I just can't imagine them going through with it. The thought of them sitting in court, with their business clothes on, next to their lawyers, I can't see it.
My mom and Dad were both working so that meant Sarah and I had the house to ourselves. Sarah and I aren't huge extraverts. We just sit around the house and maybe watch movies. Occasionally we'll do each other's nails or hair, but besides that, we don't do much. Today we decided to go dress shopping. Homecoming is coming up, and my Dad put money on my debit card, so I can buy mine. Sarah's mom was going to accompany us to make sure our dresses were appropriate.
We ended up going to David's Bridal. They don't have a lot of homecoming dresses, but it was worth a shot. I tried on this yellow two-piece, it had a load of sparkles and gems all over it and the top was a halter top but with mesh covering your shoulders and arms. While I tried on the yellow two-piece, Sarah tried on this baby blue dress. It was about knee-length and was a simple dress, it was made out of some sort of silky material and it looked as if it was made for Sarah. The thing about Sarah is that she looks good in just about everything.
I said no to the two-piece, and Sarah decided to put her baby blue dress in the maybe pile. The next thing I pulled out was this champagne-colored dress. It was a "tea length" dress, and It had a bedazzled waistband, it wasn't exactly a homecoming dress because of the length but nonetheless I threw it into the maybe pile. Sarah put on this dress the color of the sunset when the sky is all pink, it was again knee-length and there wasn't much sparkle on it, but all Sarah had to do was pick out some sort of belt that had sparkles and gems on it.
She decided to go with the sunset dress and then gave me feedback on the dresses I tried on. I tried on a multitude of different dresses, at one point it seemed like I had tried on every color of the rainbow. But then I got to this black dress, it was strapless but again with the lace sleeves. The skirt was decorated with gems and the underskirt was red. Sarah clapped when I came out of the dressing room, which says something because she only did that for this one. After seeing Sarah's reaction, I went with the black and red dress.
After we bought our dresses, we headed to Wendy's and got some food. I was excited about homecoming, it'll be the last time I get to have a homecoming. Maybe this year I'll have someone to slow dance with. I mean it's whatever either way I guess. I guess I just want someone to help with the loneliness, but at least I've got Sarah. Sarah's my best friend, but she's not my romantic partner. And I know you have "love yourself before being able to be loved" but I don't care about that. I want love like the movies. Like those epic rom-coms, I'm tired of being that nerdy loner girl.
We finished up eating and headed home. Sarah's mom dropped me off, and then they went back from their place. I went upstairs to my room and flopped on my bed. I'm glad I don't have a waterbed because I think I'd end up popping it with the way I throw myself on my bed. I laid down on top of my covers and just stared at the ceiling. My ceiling is nothing special, but it's nice to look at when I get into my deep thoughts.
Today my ceiling sparked the memories of this guy, Will, that I used to like. I met Will in ninth grade, we sat at the same lunch table, and I'd always hear him talking to his friends. He was such a bright guy, I mean he just radiated happiness, he was the human version of the sun. We never really talked, but I liked him a lot. I had never had those kinds of feelings for someone before. Eventually, we got to talking, and it was great. We had amazing chemistry together and sparks flew when we were together. But then he got a girlfriend. So I packed my feelings up and stuffed them down a hole. If I could hold my feelings in my hand, then I would've put them under a floorboard so that they could truly be out of my mind. But alas, they were just in my head, so I tried to block them out. I pretended I didn't like him and as if my heart wasn't crushed. But then he switched classes halfway through junior year, and we now shared a class. All those feelings I had for him resurfaced. It was even worse because he sat beside me in class. I couldn't hide my feelings anymore, I never told him how I felt, but I think it was obvious. I couldn't hide the smile he put on my face or the fact that when I saw him my heart did a backflip. No matter what, the thought of him put butterflies in my stomach.
Of course, it's now senior year. We've got five classes together, and he always sits beside me. He broke up with his girlfriend at the end of junior year, and ever since then he's been very close to me. He chooses me over his friends when we do group work. I'm scared of my feelings, to be honest. I think part of the reason why I hid my feelings even when the coast was clear was that I wanted to run. I don't like the unknown, I like being in control of things, and I can't control the way I feel about Will. What if Will finds another girl? I could get replaced in an instant, and then what am I supposed to do.
I sat up from my bed, deciding to stop thinking about Will. I reached for my phone to text Sarah. My parents work late, so I was hoping I could head to Sarah's place. Sarah said she worked, so I was just left alone.
When I stepped out of the house, the air was crispy and the temperature had dropped significantly since earlier. I like the cooler air, it means fall is coming. The summer is fun and all, but I get tired of the heat. With fall growing nearer, that means homecoming is also just weeks away. I know I said earlier that I didn't care if I didn't have someone to dance with, but I really do care. It's my senior year and the whole four years I've gone to this high school, no one has asked me to dance. It's kind of sad really, I mean, I don't think I'm intimidating. I am a bit taller than the other girls, but besides that I'm just average. I guess all I could really do was hope that someone would want to dance with me.
With fall coming, the sun is setting earlier on in the day, and it's setting fast. My walk turned into a short little walk because I didn't want to be walking home alone in the dark. When I got home, Dad was in the kitchen and my mom was in her room asleep. Dad was making pasta, it was his go-to meal when he got home late from work. My Dad makes the best pasta, I don't know what sets it aside from the other pastas, but his is the best. "Your mother is passed out drunk in the bedroom," my Dad said with a solemn look on his face.
"Oh..."
"Her work gave her another warning for coming in intoxicated. Lee, I know you might not take this well, but I can't go on living like this. I've already spoken to my lawyers, and I'm filing for a divorce."
Even though I had seen it coming, it still stung, my heart fell to my stomach. I didn't think my Dad would ever actually file for divorce. I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I just stayed silent.
Dinner was silent except for the small talk my Dad tried to make. I told him how I got my homecoming dress and how I'm excited for fall, but besides that the room was silent. After dinner, I loaded the dishwasher and headed off to bed. I laid awake on my bed hoping sleep would come soon, but instead I got a bunch of texts from Sarah. She called me when I didn't respond. "Lee, you have to come now. It's Stacy Miller, please come now I'm on church road," Sarah said into the phone with urgency in her voice.
I knew something was wrong, so I took my car and met her on church road. The road was a nightmare. It was rainy, and it was pitch black, Sarah swerved to avoid a deer and Stacy hit the deer instead. Stacy Miller, the girl who bullied me all throughout middle and elementary school went through the windshield. Sarah collapsed in my arms, I knew the guilt would devour her. "Lee, I killed Stacy Miller... I killed her Lee," she sobbed on my shoulder.
I genuinely didn't know what to say. I just ran my fingers through her hair and held on to her tight. I don't know what I was expecting after that phone call, but it certainly wasn't this. I called Sarah's parents and explained to them what happened. They knew it wasn't her fault, but they too were at a loss for words. Sarah's p, but
I felt horrible for her parents, knowing that their daughter had potentially caused another girl's death. I don't think they knew what to say either, I just hoped that they would find something to say just anything at all. Sarah is a strong person, probably one of the strongest I've ever met, but I know this is going to constantly weigh on her mind.
Sarah missed school for the next two weeks and when she came back it was a nightmare. The class got silent when she walked into the room and no one talked to her. Sarah also came back the day before the funeral which made matters worse. Sarah told me she planned to speak at the funeral. She's a good speaker and has always done great when she had to talk before an audience, she was my middle school bully, and we shared third period together. It was weird to think how I would never feel spit balls hitting the back of my head because Stacy Miller wasn't there to torment me. In a way it was comforting knowing she would never hurt someone again, but it was scary to know she'll never get the chance to redeem herself. Stacy Miller is dead, I tell myself ten times a day.
I headed over to Sarah's house to help her get ready for the funeral. When I walked in I saw Sarah in a black dress, her hair was down and the curls were knotted, her mascara was already smudged, and she was overall just a mess. I felt bad, she was so keen on going to the service and giving a speech, but she couldn't go in the manner she was in. I was lucky to have gotten to her house a couple of hours early. I washed her hair and styled it, she'd have to go to the funeral with wet hair but at least it wasn't a rat's nest anymore. I ironed her dress for her and fixed her makeup. Finally, we were ready.
When we got there, everyone was shuffling into the peers. Sarah and I took a seat in the front row and waited for the service to begin. The church was full of dark energy as people mourned the loss of the meanest girl in the school, the girl who would never get a second chance. Finally, they called Sarah up to speak, her footsteps slow as she approached the podium. "I would like to thank the Millers for letting me speak today. As you all probably know I was driving the night Stacy died. I swerved around a deer causing Stacy to hit it. I am so sorry for what happened that night two weeks ago," her voice broke.
"If I could have changed the events that took place, I would have. Stacy may not have been the nicest person, but she doesn't deserve this. I would do anything to bring her back, I am so sorry to the Millers. I will never forget what I have done. Stacy I'm so sorry," She began to sob as she stepped away from the podium and towards Stacy's casket. Sarah placed a white rose on top of Stacy's casket and sank onto her knees to sob some more. At that point I stood up and brought Sarah back to sit with me. She laid her head on my lap and I stroked her hair. We'd get through this together.
The next two months were slow. Sarah attended school a couple of days a week and did cyber the rest of the time. The whispers had calmed down and people didn't really stare as much, but I know Sarah still felt as though everyone was watching her. I did too, honestly. Will started sitting next to me when Sarah wasn't there. We didn't really say much, but he still sat with me nonetheless. It was nice having Will around again, I just hope he stays single.
I was walking Sarah to class when I noticed a strange scratch on her arm. She has no dog, cat, or any kind of animal that could scratch her, so it was her doing. I knew she would take the crash as her fault, but I didn't think she'd turn to this. Noticing my stare she pulled down her sleeve, "It's nothing," she said.
"Sarah please don't go down this road." I'm worried. Sarah has never been the one to feel this way, it's always been the other way around. I was always the one that was comforted or that dealt with depression, never Sarah. Sarah didn't respond, we had made it to her next class, and she left me there in the halls. Will came up behind me, "How's she doing," he asked.
"Not so good." I was nervous he'd say something snarky and say it was her fault, but he didn't.
"I'm sorry to hear that, honestly. Maybe after school one day we could all go get ice cream or something to raise her spirits."
"Yeah, I think she'd like that."
Will smiled in relief and walked me to class. He gave me his number before he left. I couldn't tell if he wanted to get ice cream for Sarah or for me. I still found myself wanting it to be for me.
Class was slow and boring. My teacher is sweet, but she really knows how to make the class a drag. I couldn't focus in class which made it even worse, I would catch myself being distracted, but then I'd focus too much on paying attention that I wouldn't pay attention in class. Will was also on my mind. I pulled out my phone and typed in his number to save it in my phone. I thought about when him and I got close the first time. I just hope it won't be like last time.