( CHAPTER FIVE && ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK )
❝ so... is this love? ❞
—
THE SCENT OF summer brings memories to the forefronts of one's mind. Of the earthy musk, of crisp transcendent waterfalls— the cascading echoes of a forgone past tainted by the deathly fracture between imagination and reality. To which grapevines entangled the hallows of those memories, enclosed forever by grape flowers and spindling fruits of temptation. Intoxicated with the blood of the fruit, one begins to think. It's there where the last impressions of summer remain, a perfect encapsulation of innocent naïveté.
Happiness escaped like a fluttering butterfly, a dance of fatality shall come to an end once the inferno casted its punishment. It fluttered with clipped, flawed wings— flying towards damnation for the sake of wanting to pierce the heavens.
A girl once stood at the basin of the lagoon, she stared at her own reflection to see upon the devastations of what love can cause. To task herself with flying close to the sun; she shall perish and fall until her wings have collapsed and melted, her life plummeting towards the depths of that very lagoon where she found love.
She wondered to herself— what sort of love would cause her to suffer such a fate? Would she be able to catch herself before the fall?
... Curious, she thought to herself. It was certainly a curious perdition.
The insect of clipped wings fluttered weakly to her side, perched upon her shoulders as she gazed outwards to the pools of transparent aquamarine. The butterfly's dying breath drawn at the end of summer's last eve— the song of requiem singing as the days of innocence closed with the sun's departure.
EVENING AIR DRAPED over your figure like a winter cloak as you stepped out of your carriage (one that Diluc had kindly arranged for you). The breeze carried the organza of the dress into the air, lifting the verdant into wing-like drapes around your waist. You thanked the driver of the carriage, giving him a curt nod before heading off towards the manor.
A light chuckle caught your attention as you tried to dust your dress void of any wrinkles. Your gaze flickered upwards to meet the stare of your self-proclaimed best friend.
"Kaeya," you greeted him with a slight smile, doing a small curtesy as a gesture of politeness. He almost snorted at your behavior, you were sure he was rolling his eye at you.
"You spent less than three hours with Diluc and somehow he already changed you." Kaeya sneered, taking your gloved hand into his. "Exactly how smitten by him are you?"
You scoffed at his words, feigning offense taken by his words. "I'm not 'smitten', Kaeya... It's only proper for me to act like someone with my title."
He snorted in disbelief. "Sure, whatever you say."
Suddenly, rain began to fall upon your head. Kaeya glanced up, taking in the sight of the moonless sky before picking up his pace. "Let's hurry along. You don't want to catch a cold, do you?"
You scoffed at his words, taking a moment to lift up your dress so that it wouldn't weigh you down as you followed Kaeya's lead to the manor's entrance, the doors opened wide to reveal the inside. Wherein you noticed the crowd of people within the lambency of golden light; dressed entirely in formal wear.
The manor was just as you remember it from childhood— of the high standing dark oak that stood as pillars in contrast to the lighter bleached wood. Grey stones were used as foundational layers, creating a contrast with the wood and concrete. Carved cresting appeared at the tips of perturbing gables; adding emphasis on the bay windows just below.
At every corner of the home, fresh flowers were arranged in a beautiful orientation. You recalled arranging the flowers yourself when you were younger. Master Crepus had once praised you for your work...
(How time manages to fly so quickly.)
"They may react negatively towards you." Kaeya's voice drew you back to the present where, the two of you stood just before the manor doors.
You took a look at the crowd inside; recognizing some— individuals with their own prospering businesses, officials from the Adventurer's Guild, some deacons from the church, and well-regarded knights.
"I'm aware." There will always be criticism, no matter where you went.
A sigh eluded before you took the first step forward, Kaeya followed your lead.
Soft chatter quickly turned into silence upon your entrance, all eyes were on your still figure.
"Lady... Gunnhildr...!" Your eyes flickered to the origin of the voice, staring blankly at the audience who stared back at you like mannequins.
(Empty stares, empty words, empty titles. How meaningless.)
"I thought she wasn't coming...?"
Whispers surrounded you as you entered the foyer with Kaeya in hand.
"Isn't she living alone now? In Springvale...?"
Eyes followed you.
"I was under the impression she wasn't engaged to Master Diluc anymore..."
Rumors spread. Lies told.
"She was there, it happened right...? When Master Crepus died...?"
An event you had pushed far back into your memories. Yet, it surfaced once again.
"I haven't seen her since she ran away that day."
You stopped, standing in the middle of the mansion. The clicking of the ballet flats silenced and the crowd too, grew more quiet.
"Don't let their words get to you." Kaeya whispered, his hand tightening around yours. Concern briefly crossed his expression as he looked over at you, taking in your solemn appearance.
It was an instinctual habit of all; to react to the words of a tragedy as such. Both of you were present the day of Master Crepus' death, having witnessed his last breath drawn as Diluc held him with blood covering the young heir. This, in turn, led to the argument between the two diametrically opposing brothers— both abandoning you in the end.
Four years ago. That was all in the past... and yet you couldn't quite get over it. You lost your home that day and was forced back to the sheltered walls of the Gunnhildr house with Jean before you ran away to Springvale. You deserted your role, your duties, your sister— of course the people of Mondstadt would react to you in such a way.
(You're a Gunnhildr. Why do you allow yourself to bend to the will of others?)
I didn't choose this. Fate was cruel like that. Picking and choosing those who least fit the role to be the jester of the play, to make fools of themselves. An outlier who was wholly detached from the rest of society.
"(y/n)."
... And yet you would've chosen him a thousand times over.
(Forever, remember? You chose this.)
"Diluc," you greeted him with a smile. You heard Kaeya scoff at your switch in demeanor, but said nothing. Choosing instead to ignore him and his eye roll.
"Kaeya." Diluc briefly acknowledged the man standing on your left, before holding his hand out to you. Without any hesitation, you took his and parted from Kaeya who, when you glanced back at him, gave you a knowing look— reassuring you.
"He wasn't causing you any trouble, was he?" Diluc asked as he guided you along with him. His voice conveyed a sense of distrust, but underneath... a wavering tone of jealousy.
"None at all. He doesn't bother me." You laughed quietly, allowing yourself to ignore the stares that followed. Being around Diluc gave you a sense of comfort unlike anything else— it made you feel safe, happy.
Diluc led to the main procession, allowing you to sit at the table where, you immediately noticed, a pair of very familiar eyes staring back at you— gray blue hues that resembled the stormy cast of an incoming storm.
(Had you expected her not to come?)
Even if I had, it doesn't make that feeling of jealousy go away.
"I must address the rest of the guests. Please make yourself comfortable here." Diluc left you alone with Jean, nodding to your sister as he wandered off to greet the incoming guests that filed through the grand entrance of his home. His absence was apparent as the warmth of your body quickly grew cold.
(Perhaps that's why they were so shocked to see you. Two Gunnhildrs— the knight who protects the city and the failure of an heiress.)
"Sister." Jean smiled at you warmly, giving you a head nod as a response. She was dressed in a white uniform; gold and black cut lapels with collar pins strung over her collarbones. She wore a flowing white dress shirt tucked into black dress pants. She looked breathtaking.
"Your dress... it's beautiful." She compliments, her eyes glittering under the golden limerence of the chandelier above. "It suits you well."
(The shade of envy certainly does.)
"Thank you," your words came out stiffly. "I like your uniform as well."
She smiled, illuminating the entirety of the room in a rhapsody of brilliance. She's always had that sort of effect on people.
"It's... a gift. From Grand Master Varka before his expedition. He thought it may be suitable for me to wear something more formal as the Acting Grand Master in his absence." She explained, gently picking at the uniform with her gloved fingers. "And to live up to my title as the Dandelion Knight."
Varka, you remember him. A good friend of your mother's as both were pillars in keeping the legacy of knighthood in Mondatadt. You haven't seen him since the day of Master Crepus' death— having been dragged back home to endure life within the walls of the Gunnhildr house.
"I see... Is he away at the moment? I haven't seen him anywhere yet."
"Grand Master Varka is currently on a short expedition. He should be back within a week or so." Jean answered, nodding. "In his absences, I am to act as the Grand Master."
In spite of your sister's young age, she was already suitable for such a high ranking role. You wanted to applaud her for her actions though, it wasn't your place to do that.
(You're the distinguished heiress of the family. There's no need for you to applaud your own sister on the greatness of her achievements.)
"I see." Your reply was soft when you noticed the crowd had grown quiet— you turned your head to see Diluc standing in the center of the foyer, raising a glass up.
"Distinguished guests, I welcome you all. Please indulge yourself and have a pleasant evening." Your fiancé wasn't one for many words, you knew that. His presence was enough to garner the attention of all, a beacon in the fog.
Diluc made his way back to you, taking your hand into his before pressing a soft kiss upon your knuckles. The action was enough to make you flush, the warmth bloomed in your chest as he pulled back just a bit to acknowledge both you and your sister.
"Is this celebration to your liking?" He asked the two of you, folding his hands behind his back.
"Quite." You answered him, a smile tugged on your features as your sister answered him with a nod.
"Then would it be alright to proceed with the dance? This celebration is held in part for you." His attention was entirely on you; his eyes still upon your figure.
A quiet sigh eluded you as you nodded. Diluc guided you along and once again, quietude fell as the two of you stood together at the center. You pressed your eyes closed briefly, allowing yourself to revel in the intermittent solitude as a means to steady yourself before Diluc whispered your name. A heat enveloped you as you basked in the light of his voice; to indulge yourself.
"Focus on me... Don't worry about the others." He said to you, his other arm snaking around to the backside of your waist as he held you close. The presence of the crowd disappeared; your sole attention was on him.
One step forward, two steps back.
An odes of love serenades began playing; the quartet of strings quivered with rhythm and tone as Diluc guided you into a waltz. The rhythmic beat kept you on your toes as you swayed and bounced with Diluc in your arms. Eventually, others began joining in as well— circling around the two of you in a prance of elegance.
One step forward, two steps back.
His fingers were entwined with yours, holding you tight as your movement intensified with the swell and crescendo of the tone, the melodic themes of minor chords playing in sync between the movement. Ephemeral and delicate as it began, the music came to an end and the guests began to depart from one another in excitement of the next.
Two steps back. Bow, smile.
"Do you mind if I switch partners?" It wasn't a question for you— Diluc had no choice, as host, he was obligated to dance with all of the honored guests.
It's sweet of him to ask anyway. You told yourself as you nodded in response to his question. He parted ways from you once he had brought you back to the sidelines. A fleeting kiss was pressed onto your knuckles once more before he left for his duties. Seeing him drift away caused your chest to tighten ever so slightly, missing his touch and affection already.
"Did you enjoy yourself?"
Kaeya had snuck up behind you, holding out a glass of wine to you as he smirked.
"I did," you answered as you took the glass in gesture, rolling your eyes at him. "Are you not partaking in the dance yourself?"
Kaeya shook his head, laughing quietly as the waltz began once more. "Dances aren't really my thing. Besides, why dance when I can indulge in the best wine in the country?"
You almost snorted at him but to save your snark and reputation, you decidedly took a sip out of the wine. The bitter tartness of the wine had never been your favorite but, nevertheless, it was courtesy. You drank the rest in one swallow.
"Remind me, when was the last time we were under this roof together?" You set down the finished glass on a nearby table, feeling the dryness of your throat as you pushed the alcohol down in waiting for Kaeya's answer.
"Four years ago, give or take. Why do you ask?"
(Nostalgia, what else? Comfort in knowing the past is what codified this relationship to begin with.)
"It feels longer than that, doesn't it?" You breathed quietly, taking in a long sigh.
(To you, perhaps.)
"I remember how we used to run around the foyer... the four of us." Kaeya commented, humming along.
A memory was incited at his words— of dance lessons held here when the four of you were still young and naïve. The laughter shared when you or Kaeya tripped over the shoes of the dance instructor. The words of the instructor etched into your minds as she said it monotonously with the downbeat of the music.
One step forward, two steps back.
To perform the waltz, each partner took one step closer to the other before taking two smaller steps back. With grace and elegance, each step was lithe and fleeting. Swaying from left to right, forwards and back. You recalled your childish dreams of one day hosting a wedding reception where Diluc would take you into his arms in a whirlwind of emotions. It would be the happiest day of your life.
One step forward.
Memories flooded your mind; a young Jean dancing with you as her partner. She possessed the poise and elegance you were always meant to exhibit. Her girlish laughter rang in your ears, the light airy quality of her voice reminded you of summer nights where the two of you would fill the air full of dandelion fluff— watching as the winds took them into the sky. Drifting, drifting away.
Kaeya was next, and of course— the two of you stumbled over one another. Bickering ensued; forcing the instructor to scold the both of you for acting so childishly. You can still recall your very words; 'But Kaeya stepped on me on purpose!' It happened a decade ago yet you recall these past events so vividly.
Diluc was last. You always tried to do your best in front of him; trying to live up to your title but he assured you that he preferred the more authentic version of you.
"Be true to yourself." His advice echoed from a bygone era.
You remembered taking a step forward as he took two steps back, carrying you in his hands. You remembered the way his eyes glimmered with a naïve falsehood. You remembered the childish smile tugging at his boyish features.
(You miss that version of him. The version of Diluc who still held you above anything else.)
"(y/n)...?" Kaeya's voice brought you back from your subconscious, snapping you out of your thoughts as you turned to look up at your best friend.
"Oh... sorry. I spaced out." You explained, turning to your side as you grabbed another glass of liquor from the banquet table. You brought it to your lips, tasting the burn of the alcohol as it slipped past your tongue.
The dry taste lingered.
(You hate it.)
"Hm..." Kaeya hummed quietly. Eyeing you carefully as you took another glass and drank it until no drops remained. "Aren't you drinking a bit too much, Lady Gunnhildr?"
You ignored the usage of your title, shadows casted over your eyes as you looked downwards to the clear bubbly liquor. "Let me have this moment, please."
"I don't want to be seen carrying you out of here unconscious." Kaeya remarked, eliciting a scoff from you. Ultimately, you smiled at his jesting words.
(Thanks Kaeya.)
"I assure you, Captain. I would rather drop dead than have people see you carry me around." He smirked at your response, laughing merrily.
"Do you really despise me so much?" He teased, poking fun.
"Yes, I do." You teased back, laughing along.
The crowd was not laughing along. Rather, the entirety of the foyer grew quiet before a romantic theme began playing from the quartet of musicians. It was a familiar piece, a famous one in fact. Of how a bard serenaded his love daily yet the affection was never returned. Not because the woman he so adored did not love him back, but rather she had died in a tragic accident. The song carried that underlying note of eeriness through the bass string. It made you shudder, a glimmer of the woman's fate exposed raw to you.
There was ongoing commotion, you noticed. The audience all around were quiet but murmuring to one another. However, they weren't watching the dance anymore but rather, their eyes were on you, staring. Slowly, your gaze flickered to the center— searching for the reason as to why they were looking... The sight was enough to hit you in the guts hard enough to leave you breathless.
Hand in hand, arms holding each other. Gold complimented crimson; they looked so perfectly regal, reminding you of what you were not. They were in sync entirely, attention fixed on one another. A smile curled at the corners of her lips as he told her of something, the words entirely inaudible to you.
Your gasp was so loud— you swore all eyes present in the room turned to you. The attention was suffocating, chest tightening with an extreme discomfort as you tried to calm your rising emotions that threatened to spill. The rising crescendo of the melody began to break at a tension; the dissonance of the chords began more prevalent.
Why did I do that? You mentally scolded yourself. It's not like I wasn't expecting for them to—
She laughed; so, so softly.
An unusually cold breeze brushed past your exposed shoulders— sending shivers down your spine. You hated how you were trembling, how you were reacting in such a way.
(Look away.)
The voice in your head told you to look away yet, you couldn't. It was mesmerizing; how natural they looked with one another.
Why can't I look away?
(Because you want him.)
You believed the voice.
(Look at him.)
You did.
(Two steps back, (y/n). You should've taken two fucking steps back.)
The tension snapped; the melody began to unwind into a descending scale of madness. You looked up again, staring at the two of them.
He smiled at her— fuck.
"(y/n)...?!"
It was silent at first, then finally, the sound of breaking glass.
You dropped the wineglass in a loud shatter. The crystal shards scattered around your feet as Kaeya called out your name. The music ceased; prompting Diluc and Jean to look at you.
"I.." You stuttered, lips quivering as your mind raced to find something adequate to say in an attempt to save face. Your tongue, dry as you pushed down the alcohol. "I'm... sorry—"
"Heaven forbid someone like her marry Master Diluc..."
Your blood went cold as the whispers began.
"You can't blame her... Have you seen how strict her mother is?"
Your peripheral began to blur as you glanced upwards to see your sister's upset expression. From tears or something else, you didn't know... you didn't care anymore.
"Has the Gunnhildr House really fell this low—"
"Don't you dare humiliate my family!"
You snapped in a furious rage, voice cracking as you watched wretched expressions grow on the faces of the nameless onlookers.
"Criticize me all you want— but don't you dare bring either of my sisters into this!"
(Is this your way of atoning for your failure to protect them back then?)
"(y/n)...?" Diluc broke away from Jean as he slowly made his way to you, pushing past the frozen dancers. You took two steps back, unable to meet the eyes of either Kaeya nor Diluc before you suddenly took off without a thought.
You knew you had to get away— before you made another mistake. This was only inevitable and the reality of your envy had finally caught up to you. Jealousy, the personified monster is an ugly one and you continued to play host to it. You couldn't stray from it because you couldn't look away.
It was the beginning of the fall, the slow descent as the wax wings began to melt. Under the scrutiny of the scorching sun, an inferno consumed you. Slowly, feathers withered away and like the injured butterfly— you began to lose altitude; falling... falling.
In those final moments, abstract questions began to cross your mind. How could you have prevented this? Could you have done something? Or perhaps, it was destiny to watch as your life dust away— your title and worth amount to nothing. You pressed your eyes closed— in hopes of shielding yourself from the truth.
You opened yourself to another truth instead.
A little girl sat at the basin of the lagoon, looking out once more. Crystal water reflected the dazzling gleam of sunshine; casting sparkling ripples over the surface. Beautiful, calm— yet when the girl looked deep into the endless pool, there was nothing to be seen. The abyssal depths continued, until only darkness could be found. She reached out to touch the water, before she fell over.
—
END OF CHAPTER FIVE
author's note.
okayyyy so to clear up some things that many readers are sorta misinterpreting (or maybe it's my fault— oops),,, diluc does love you but, he doesn't love you as much as he did before.
you, the reader insert, are obsessed with having the most ideal, romantic, and unrealistic marriage but diluc isn't like that anymore. that concept died in him when his father died.
he does love you but he looks to jean for her maturity and her courage. in a sense, he loves you both.
obviously this relationship is far deeper than that but that's the basic premise. as per all my writing,, there's faults on both sides of the relationship. nothing is perfect.
hope that clears things up. typically i never explain the concepts within my stories but so many people are concluding that diluc is cheating on purpose / diluc doesn't love you :'))
anyway,,, hope you have enjoyed this chapter ! take care, my readers.