author's note
🧿 HIII EVERYONE I MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH omg it's been too long
🧿 i hope y'all enjoy this chapter because the next two after this..... yeah LMAOOOO
🧿 PLEASE don't forget to vote it helps the story out a lot. again thank you all for reading. ik this chapter is named after armin but i think it does a good job at exploring yn's character. OKAY ENJOY BYE LOL
[play someone new by hozier]
jean's pov
"Okay, so tell me what you're going to say. One more time."
Two weeks had passed since you and Jean had been to the cliff. Although you two didn't talk or even interact for those fourteen days, Jean thought about you every single day that passed. What you could be doing, what you were thinking about, how you were handling training, and how your days were going. Most of all, if Armin had talked to you yet.
Jean knew you were growing closer to Sasha when he started to see Sasha drift towards you during trainings or meal times. He was thankful it was Sasha rather than Mikasa you were getting closer to, even though he saw you with Mikasa a lot. Ever since that night Armin and Mikasa stalked Jean to the cliff and gave him the mission to be Armin's wingman, every interaction you had with Mikasa made Jean uneasy. Mikasa was no Armin however.
Mikasa wasn't manipulative the way Armin could be or sneaky. She was probably only there that night to beat Jean up if he didn't agree to go with the plan and because she wanted to help her childhood friend. Jean didn't doubt who Mikasa was as a person. He knew she was loyal and could be kind. What he did doubt was her authenticity towards you.
But as those two weeks passed, he never saw you with Armin. It was kind of a relief. Not entirely just because Jean still had no idea what was going on with you. Sure, he could ask Sasha but he saw no point in that. Sasha would only tell him so much, it was clear she was developing some kind of loyalty to you which Jean accepted nor did he mind. He had agreed to leave you alone for those two weeks anyway and didn't wanna go behind your back the way Armin would.
Anytime Jean would bring you up to Sasha it was quick responses. The most answer he got out of Sasha was today as the pair sat opposite directions in front of each other, in the cadet's common room, as Jean was sketching out a portrait of Sasha she had been begging him to do for forever now. Connie sat in a chair near them, with his head rested on his palm, tuning in and out of their conversation. Jean agreed to do the drawing if Sasha answered some questions about you. The first thing Jean asks Sasha is how you were.
"She's fine, I mean it's Y/N, she's more Y/N now than she was last week. For example, now when I say your name she doesn't give that dirty look she does. You definitely know the one! When her right eye does that little twitch before she's about to go into those rants she does! Now she just gives a blank stare and looks like she's in another universe when I mention you. So it's definitely some progress from last week!"
Connie snorts out a laugh from his chair and Jean glares at him. "That's true! Y/N does do that!" He continues his laughter despite Sasha turning around and smacking his leg to shut up. He kicks Sasha and she slaps him again. The start bickering like little kids as Jean thinks.
Jean did know about that eye twitch thing you do. And how it really only happened when you became highly irritated. You did it on the first day he approached you when you were staring at Annie and Bertholdt. Then again when he lied and said you weren't his type. It wasn't an obvious habit you had but enough for Jean to notice. Then again, maybe he just stared at you that much to notice and understand when you did it which was usually because you were trying to process something you weren't expecting. Almost like you had to process visually with your eyes as well to get it through your head. It was honestly really cute to Jean.
Jean looks up from the notepad he was drawing on and yells at Connie and Sasha to stop their petty bickering. Sasha turns back around to see the dirty look spread across Jean's face.
Who could blame him? The way Sasha said it was as if it was the best news in the world. Then again that's how Sasha always talked. But Jean didn't have the patience for it right now. Or Connie's laughter. Not when it came to you.
"What's that sour look for Jeany?" Sasha pouts dramatically. Jean puts his focus back on the sketch and back to Sash's hair to copy down. "Don't call me that." His face and voice are monotone.
"What do you want from me? Sheesh, I'm not gonna lie to you. Lighten up!" Sasha reaches over and slaps Jean's forehead. His dirty look remains on his face as he reaches over and slaps Sasha's forehead back. "I said stop moving dumbass. This picture doesn't even look like you anymore because you keep moving so much."
"I'm sure it looks fine just keep going. I've been waiting for this ever since I found out your little hidden talent, Jean boy."
"Fucking- Sasha stop moving your face so much. Just be quiet."
"You were the one asking me the questions, dummy."
"That's true you were asking the questions." Connie chimes in despite his bickering with Sasha a few moments ago. The two were like fucking twin siblings. One moment they were fighting and the next they were fine.
Jean lets out a sigh of frustration and slaps the notebook on the hardwood floor with the blunt, chewed up pencil Sasha gave him to use. He tried not to think where the bite marks on the pencil came from as he speaks up. "Never mind. I don't wanna do this anymore. This is pointless."
"Fine, fine, who put your panties in a twist today? Jeez, I know you think Y/N is pretty Jean, but it's been two weeks, time to untwist the panties and breath." Connie says as Sasha goes to pick up the notepad and pencil and throws them back on Jean's lap and motions for him to continue. "I'll be quiet and let you finish." Sasha has a shit eating grin on her face. Jean sensed she wasn't done and this was her way of offering her bargain.
"But?" Jean asks.
"Okay, so tell me what you're gonna say to her. One more time." Her face finally relaxes as if she's satisfied with herself. "Yeah let me hear it to. I haven't heard the full thing."
When Jean wasn't busy staring at you from the far, the past fourteen days Sasha and him, sometimes Connie, made a perfect script for Jean to recite to you after the two week long hiatus was over. His "apology."
As Armin would say, a speech for Jean to give to you to pull your strings just right. This attempt though to talk to you didn't have as much a malicious backstory to it like Armin's did.
Jean stares at the notebook and continues to sketch as he recites Sasha's homemade speech. It's not a long one but enough for Sasha to say "WOW. You know if I close my eyes and make pretend a boy I really liked said that to me, I think my heart would LOVE that! Well done, just don't say it like you're reciting it. Make pretend it's natural and authentic and like you mean it." Jean sets the pencil down and starts rubbing the finishes touches on Sasha's portrait and grumbles at Sasha's words.
"What do you mean like? It is authentic, I mean it." Jean had to admit, reciting a preplanned apology written by Sasha and memorized by him didn't sit completely well with him. But he doesn't trust himself to talk to you again about something important without practicing it. The "you aren't my type" comment, although inspired by Reiner thanks to his subconscious, it was only just the first cruel thing he could've thought to say. He wishes he was able to give you a more real way of an apology but he couldn't wait any longer to talk to you.
Connie is quiet and looks deep in thought. Jean gets his attention. "Connie? What do you think?" Connie hums and speaks up. "I don't like how submissive it makes you sound." Sasha snorts.
"What? What the fuck does that even mean?" Jean's hand grips the chewed up pencil as Connie goes on. "I don't know like, sound more manly when you say it at least. Maybe add in something about her experience and how you feel bad for it."
"That makes no sense." Jean spits out.
"Just stick with what I told you, and maybe add in Connie's advice about her experience. That sounds good." Sasha rushes through her sentence to get to the next one. "Now can I see the drawing? Please tell me you're done, you take forever!" Connie stands up and crouches down next to Sasha to see the picture.
Jean rips the the notebook paper out carefully, not to ruin Sasha's gift or his masterpiece. He tosses it on Sasha's lap and stands up waiting for Sasha and Connie to get up as well.
Sasha flips the piece of paper and her smile falls as a blush crept onto her face. "This looks nothing like me." Jean rolls his eyes at Sasha's honesty and Connie's eyes squint at the portrait. "I told you it was stupid to do this, come on Sash." Jean offers his hand to Sasha to use to get up. Sasha accepts it to hoist herself up as Connie stands up on his own.
"It kinda looks like Y/N!" Sasha folds the piece of paper and puts it in her shirt pocket. She continues her statement while grinning at Jean. "Maybe if you give this to her she'll LOVVVE you again." Connie chuckles at the love comment as he holds the door open for Jean and Sasha.
Jean's heart skips a beat at Sasha's final sentence as they make their way out of the room. Sasha leads the way and Connie follows as Jean responds to her.
"Yeah, maybe."
----------------------------
yn's pov
You stared at the small fire Reiner had built as another hour of conversation passed between you, Bertholdt, Annie and Reiner. It was all about Marley and what you guys were going to tell them this month. It was Annie's turn to go back and spill what little information the four of you guys had this time. It feels like forever since you were all together like this.
You start to swear that the three of them just stopped inviting you to meetings since it feels like they never happen anymore. But you can't complain, when you're there you really add little to nothing to the meeting. You know as much as they do: nothing.
It was getting embarrassing what little and repetitive information you all kept giving to Marley despite how many years you all were here by now. No information about where the founder could be and no way for the four of you to return back to the motherland with glory to the shunned Eldians in Marley. You wondered how much longer you'd be out here. You weren't homesick, maybe just curious what the fuck could be happening in Marley right now. The officials only told you so much.
Since it was Annie's turn to go this month, she left the meeting first after the four of you discussed what to say. Bertholdt followed Annie not too long after her departure. Not to your surprise, but Annie and Bertholdt were truly becoming strangers to you. Remembering the last time you had a conversation with either of them that wasn't about the mission was becoming impossible. When the mission first started, you expected this from Bertholdt to be honest, you two were never close. But Annie? It was upsetting to say the least.
You didn't want to admit it aloud, but you knew deep down all Annie had to do was talk to you and you'd be wrapped around her fingers again. It was embarrassing to admit, but you missed her so much. But the way she looked right through you, you could tell the feelings weren't mutual. You wondered what she had been up to or thinking about. How she would react to you going to the cliff with Jean or how you were going to kiss him.
She's probably just listen and laugh when you reveal Jean's cruel words that night. Then she'd say how it's his loss and how much of a loser he is. But that wasn't your Annie anymore. You had no Annie now and probably since the first time since your brother died, you felt a hole in your heart.
There was nothing you could do about it. Probably not until the four of you all got back to Marley. But that begged the question.
How many of you were going to make it back to Marley. You already loss Marcel and once the cadets were over Reiner and Bertholdt were going to the scouts. their chances of death were increasingly high. Anything could happen here at anytime. Marcel was literally the one you'd expect to make it out alive from the mission yet look where you stood now.
Would there ever be a day the four of you made it back to Marley together?
Even despite her new found hatred for you, you prayed that if there was at least one to make it back alive, that it would be Annie. You remember he father and how much she meant to him. They needed each other.
For the past two weeks, when you weren't think about the horrendous cliff encounter with Jean, you thought about yourself and Marley. You made a promise the morning after the night on the cliff, to finally take training seriously and to focus on your mission.
Thinking about Jean the way you did was wrong. Leaving the bunks that night to sit with him at that cliff was wrong. But most of all?
Meeting Jean Kirstein was a mistake.
And probably your biggest regret so far during your time on Paradis. Besides the whole kicking down Wall Maria thing and being in the indirect cause for thousands of deaths.
It all just motivated you even more to step up your game with training. You were number one in your class back in Marley and you'd be damned if you didn't reach that ranking again here in Paradis. Mikasa was happy to help you those training days which you were thankful for. Would Marley officials care where you ranked in the 104th cadets? No, definitely not. This was one hundred percent a pride thing to show the three other warriors with you that you still had "it." You needed to make actual goals here as the mission just continued to drag on. Plus, it was a great distraction from thinking about Jean or the other other bullshit.
Though Mikasa and you had grown closer as the weeks passed due to being training buddies most days, it was honestly Sasha who kept you sane. You two were becoming incredibly close and her positivity was what you needed. When you and Annie were best friends, she definitely had a gloomy aura to which you didn't mind but being with Sasha, it just made you realize how much your preferred this difference.
Sasha didn't quite patch up the hole in your heart that Annie left, but you weren't looking for her to do that. If anything, she just made more room in your heart that you weren't even sure was there anymore.
What you liked about Sasha was how welcoming and warm she was. The more you got to know her, the more you tried to be like her. You wanted to be like Sasha so badly, especially her personality. One of your favorite things about her was her ability to tell stories. Every night before bed, it felt like she was just a never ending book of stories. Stories ranging from her hunting experiences, friends, or what she did that today. She never failed to make anything sound entertaining.
Your favorite stories would be the ones she'd tell you about her family. Her family was nothing like yours. Her mom and dad sounded so loving, all while fostering children. It was beautiful to you and sometimes made your heart heavy. You also liked the fact Sasha didn't grow up in Shiganshina so you didn't have to hear her story about "that day."
Getting to know Sasha and her stories, it became increasingly hard to not pretend to be like her. You grew up wanting to be like Annie, now your role model was becoming Sasha Braus. She made you want to be different but you knew that was impossible. Deep down, no matter how much you pretended, you'd always be you. No one here could actually accept that. Shit, the warriors here with you who actually did know you didn't even accept you.
But it did make you think, what if things were different?
What if you could go back to the beginning?
What if it was Paradis and not Marley? What if you had a different last name?
What choices would you make? Who would you be?
The answer to those questions remained a mystery.
Until you left for your mission all of those years ago, you really had no identity outside of being a warrior. It's not like you had a choice though, it's just the way things in life worked out. When you're five years old and put into training like that, it's not like you have time to figure out the simple things like your favorite hobby or books. Coming to Paradis, the last issue you expected to come to terms with was self discovery. Obviously you couldn't go around talking about warrior shit or Marley so who were you here?
You wondered if Annie and Bertholdt were struggling with the same identity crisis but they were long gone now.
But Reiner wasn't.
It was now you and Reiner sitting in silence watching the fire dance. The meeting was over. The two of you seemed to be sharing a peace that was needed. You wondered what shit Reiner has been dealing with lately, if any. You remember all of the fights you and Reiner used to get into growing up. It's funny thinking about it now, how back then you were so sure you and Annie would always be friends and you'd always hate Reiner.
Reiner was becoming one of the only constants in your life now.
You two didn't fight anymore. Instead now you two just shared peaceful moments like this until you decided it was time to go back. Although the warrior meetings were becoming less, the last few you went to always ended up like this. You and Reiner sitting alone by a fire in silence. This new found relationship with Reiner made you curious to test the waters.
What would Reiner think about the Jean stories you had?
You'd never ever admit it to his face, but deep down you thought Reiner was funny. Not all of the time though. Reiner never tried to be funny. Anytime he was funny was just an accident. But shit, there were definitely the most hilarious experiences of your life. You always had to use every ounce of your strength not to laugh in those moments. You couldn't have Reiner getting an ego boost like that. You had to keep humble.
You didn't have Annie to talk to anymore. Plus, you didn't really wanna talk to Sasha about Jean anymore considering what close friends they were. And Mikasa wasn't that type of friend to you. So maybe Reiner could entertain you. Worst case, he says he doesn't care or calls you a loser. It was just Reiner so who gave a shit what he thought about you? You break the silence.
"Guess what I did two weeks ago."
Here goes testing those waters.
Reiner glances at you for a second but back down to the fire. "What?" His voice is flat.
"Guess what I did two we-" You go to repeat yourself but Reiner stops you.
"No, I heard you. What did you do?"
This was already awkward as fuck. No going back now.
You clear your throat. "Do you know who Jean is? He's tall-"
"Has a horse face?" Reiner continues stares at the fire and asks. There was that horse comment again. Did everyone see it but you?
"Yeah, sure, that one. Well-"
"What about him?" Reiner interrupts. You already hated this. The way Reiner always interrupted you never failed to make you want to slap him. But you ignore the urge and continue. "Me and him snuck out and went to this cliff."
This seems to catch Reiner's attention as his head finally perks up to look at you. "Are you serious?" Reiner has a smug grin on his face, almost as if he's impressed by your stupid attempt at rebellion with Jean. His peak of interest encourages you to continue. "Yeah well turns out he's a total piece of shit."
Reiner cocks an eyebrow at your statement. "That's not where I thought that was going." You don't know if you should be disgusted or confused so you just continue.
"What do you mean? Where did you think that was going?" Reiner was so easy to read, he had terrible poker face. Maybe he knew something about Jean you didn't.
"Stop that." Reiner shifts against the ground.
"Stop what?"
"That. I hate when you do that." Reiner rolls his eyes at you. This idiot.
"What? When I do what?"
"This, when you get that frantic look and ask questions like 'What?' or 'Who?' It's so annoying, it reminds me of your mom." Reiner says. "Ew. You think about my mom?"
Reiner stares at you and says "Yeah. All of the time, especially the lonely nights. Mrs. L/N was something else. Too bad you take after your dad."
"STOP! You're such a fucking creep Reiner." You don't want to admit it but deep down you were trying your best not to laugh but the dad comment he makes prevents it. You always got comments in Marley how you were just like your dad. You wondered how he was.
"Fine. No more mom comments, my bad." Reiner sighs out and continues. "Go ahead. Tell me about your Jean story."
You can't help but smile as Reiner says his final sentence. "You have until the fire burns out."
The fire burns out long before you finish the story. Of course you have to add in details about how much you hate Jean now so that added on to the time. To your surprise, when Reiner actually shut the fuck up, he was amazing listener. The best part? The subtle smiles he would give the more you cursed or showed emotion. You could tell he was finding it all entertaining to which you didn't mind. You just wanted someone to listen as you talked and Reiner wasn't disappointing in that aspect.
What caught you off guard was his reaction to what Jean said to you. Especially the "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea part." The way his eyes squinted in disbelief had to make you pause.
"What you seemed shocked he said that? I thought you'd agree with him!" You joke. Reiner gives you a dirty look and says "It's not the fact of whether or not I agree with him, I'm just surprised that's what he said to you. It sounded like the kiss was gonna happen."
"RIGHT?" You clap your hands together. His reassurance made you feel too good.
"Can I be honest though?" Reiner asks. "Go ahead." You say as you readjust your numb leg. You two had been sitting there for so long that the fire was just dull sparks and brunt wood and your legs were growing numb from sitting on them.
"I feel like Jean only said that because of something else. It just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe you made him nervous." Reiner folds his arms across his chest.
"I doubt that. He's not the nervous type."
"Yeah but that's just how you see it. You don't really know him or what he's like. He could've had another reason for saying that."
You stare at Reiner. He was the first person these past weeks to mention the idea Jean may have another motive. The idea never occurred to you. Probably because you didn't want to get your hopes up. But why did it sound like he was trying to defend Jean? Like he knew something else about the situation but he didn't want to tell you? The way Reiner kept staring at you right now and sounding too sincere was starting to unsettle you. He definitely knew something.
"Why do you think that, Reiner?"
It's pathetic attempt to know maybe the truth. Even more pathetic was how deep down you were kinda praying Reiner had some turning point information to tell you about Jean. That maybe those two weeks, being over Jean and like it didn't bother you was just pretend. Reiner sits there and stares at the ground. Almost as if he's contemplating tell you something you wouldn't wanna know.
"I don't know. It's just a feeling."
Fuck.
He continues. "Sometimes guys will just do the opposite of how they feel."
Well who the fuck cares about that? If Jean was that nervous too kiss you or say how he really felt, he just didn't have to. He could've done nothing and that would've been better than what he did.
"Of course you'd fucking say that. All guys are the same." You spit at Reiner and stand up. Reiner was a great listener but right now you kinda wish he just lied and told you something else. Not that vague bullshit. He started to sound like a troll under a bridge reading you riddles.
"Yeah probably. Sorry that happened though. Think about it this way. I feel like you needed to be humbled like that. So maybe that was the best thing to happened after all." Reiner goes to walk and he motions you to follow.
You wanted to slap Reiner again but saw no point. He was right. That cliff encounter with Jean was definitely the most humbling experience for you. Whether or not you deserved it was debatable. Reiner goes on.
"How good do you think it is for you to go around kissing people here? Weren't you dating Porco or something? Plus you have no idea how much longer we'll be here so why start something you couldn't finish. Doesn't seem like you."
You and Reiner walk in sync back to the camps as you speak up. "First of all, I never dated Porco." Reiner chuckles as you finish.
"But you're right. That wasn't like me at all. I was just bored, that's it."
You pray that sounded more convincing to Reiner than it did to you and your heart.
Reiner just nods as you two continue your walk, talking about bullshit. Who would've thought talking to Reiner would make you feel better?
Maybe being on this island for so long was changing you.
Who could tell?
————————————-
The next day was exactly two weeks since you and Jean went to the cliff. You hated how that's how you recalled time now and you hoped this two week mark would be the last of it.
You and Jean didn't talk at all. You saw him a few times, which you knew was inevitable, but he was either across a room or turned away from you. When you first met Jean, you remember how much you stated at him from the far and how it was fun back then.
Now, you just felt pathetic staring at him the way you did. You could lie to Sasha or Reiner as much as you wanted, but you knew deep down all you wanted was for Jean to talk to you. At this point, just to look at you.
On the fourth day, when you were still emotional, you decided you were going to just approach Jean yourself. To get some type of closure. You were confrontational with everyone else, so why was Jean different?
It was after you ate breakfast. You were walking back to the bunks alone when you saw Jean walking towards the dining hall. You decided right there you'd confront him. You didn't even want to yell at him. You just wanted to see what would happen.
Your nerves skyrocketed as you walked towards him. You were right in front of him, staring him down. You expected him to look at you and do that half smirk he used to do. But that doesn't happen. In fact he didn't even glance down at you.
He walked right through you like a ghost.
You wish you could tell yourself maybe he didn't see you, but there was zero possibility for that. You were right there and he walked right through you like you were nothing.
What you noticed was the way he just slightly moved his shoulder to make sure he didn't bump you, so it was certain; he did see you.
He just wanted nothing to do with you.
After that you made zero attempts to ever approach him. How many more times were you going to humiliate yourself for him? And for what?
Today passed quickly. Nothing notable was happening anymore now that Jean was out of your life but that's probably how it should be.
You made it to dinner tonight late and since Sasha liked to always make it to meals early, you sat alone. Not that you minded, alone time was what you need right now.
There was a handful of nameless cadets minding their business as you stared out into oblivion, eating. You think about the day, tomorrow and occasionally Jean.
You peace is interrupted when a boy sits in front of you and smirks.
The boy was pale and had red hair. Why was it so impossible to have alone time here? You stare at the boy who takes a sip from his cup. You mimic him by taking a drink before speaking up.
"Do I know you?" You say as flatly as possible. His smirk was pissing you off, the cockiness of it reminded you of Jean. What this motherfucker lacked that Jean had was charm. And he hasn't even spoken yet.
"Yeah, you're the girl I met in this dining hall tonight." He gives a wink and you swear you feel some vomit come up in your throat so you quickly take another sip of water.
"Right. And you are?"
"Floch. Floch Forester." Of course his name was Floch. The name reminded you of birds, similar to the bird nest he had for hair. He continues "What's your name? I've seen you around here."
No fucking shit he's seen you around here. This is where you two lived. You think about how you in Marley would react to this situation. You'd definitely make fun of him and call Porco or Annie over to help. But now that couldn't be you. You think about what Sasha would do. So you take a deep breath.
"Y/N L/N."
You feel your right eye twitch. You were so irritated right now. Something about this guy was not sitting right with you.
"That's a pretty name."
"Thanks." You try your best to be dry so the conversation can end as quickly as possible.
Floch shifts in his seat as he continues. "I see you a lot during training. Not so much in here or the common rooms. You're very talented."
You smile at him and continue to eat. You low key hated the idea of Floch watching you from the far because it made you think how many others did that. Then again, you did it a lot with Jean so you couldn't really complain.
"What's your secret?" He finishes off his cup of water before tossing it to the ground.
"What?"
"You know? Like you're clearly strong and a natural, so how do you do it?"
I've been training in a nation called Marley since I was five so that's why everything here is so easy.
"Sleep. A good nights rest." You say flatly.
"Yeah?"
"Yup."
"I can tell you take beauty sleep serious. You know, because you're so beautiful." Floch says, trying to sound smooth.
How is this kid real? He was trying way too hard to be charming and it was giving you second hand embarrassment. You contemplate letting the old you come out and just yelling at him to get the fuck out but you just smile and roll your eyes.
Floch coughs to clear his throat and continue and he returns your smile. He probably could tell you were getting a kick out of it and that was enough for him. Before Floch can try another terrible pick up line, you see someone sit down next to him which is across from you.
You assume it's just another one of Floch's friends until you hear the voice and look up.
"Hey, Y/N."
No fucking way.
It was Jean's voice.
First of all, did this mean he was friends with Floch? Because ew. Second, what the fuck. This can't be real. But of course as you look up, it's him. He's sitting there with an apple he's rolling around in his hands.
Floch seems unsettled by Jean's presence and he shifts a few inches away from him and glances at you. So guess they're not friends. He sees how your staring at Jean and it's Floch's voice that snaps you out of your trance.
"Y/N?" Floch says.
"Yeah?" You say still staring at Jean who is now talking a bite from the apple.
"Can I kiss you?"
"WHAT?" You and Jean both say in sync, equally matching the shock in your voice. Maybe even a little bit of disgust. Jean chokes on a piece of the apple but catches it in his hand before quickly throwing it on the floor and staring at you to see if you noticed. His face turns red and you feel yours burn even though he just had the embarrassing moment.
"Can I kiss you?" He has a smug look on his face and you feel your face get even hotter. You felt so embarrassed that he asked that in front of Jean. But why the fuck did it matter? Who the fuck asks someone a question like that? This kid definitely wasn't right in the head.
"NO." You and Jean both say in sync again. You give Jean a nasty look before he breaks eye contact with you. Why the fuck was Jean saying no as if he didn't completely reject you two weeks ago?
Genuine shock spreads on Floch's face. "Why not?"
"Because you're the corniest guy I've ever met." You scoff and roll your eyes again.
Was this a bad fever dream? Floch Forester asking to kiss you as Jean Kirstein sat there eating an apple.
"Well you're the prettiest girl I've ever met." Floch says, almost in a pleading tone. This time it's Jean who scoffs and rolls his eyes. Floch shoots him a dirty look but Jean stares right back at you. He almost looks nervous that you may actually kiss Floch.
You stare at Jean for your next sentence.
"You have great taste."
Jean breaks eye contact with you once again to readjust in his seat. You roll your eyes at him and look back to Floch whose eyes are darting back and forth to you and Jean.
Yeah you were pissed Jean was here but you weren't willing to put yourself through kissing Floch just to make him jealous. It probably wouldn't even work.
Floch smiles at you. "I think you may be my new favorite person."
Jean snickers and mumbles something inaudible.
"Do you have something you need to say?" You ask with disgust to Jean.
He catches himself and speaks. "Yeah I do. I wanna talk to you."
You feel your body go hot and your stomach flip. Jean turns to Floch.
"Can you leave?"
"What why? I was here first." Floch says annoyed. He turns to you to stick up for him. As much as you hated Floch's company, you didn't want Jean to have his way. Even if it was being alone with you. "Yeah. He was here first." You're gripping your cup of water so hard you're scared it might shatter. You finish. "Whatever you have to say you can just say it. He can stay."
Jean chews on the inside of his cheek. It was clear he wanted to argue and tell Floch to get the fuck out but he could tell if he did that you'd probably leave too. Floch has a satisfied look from your words but you just stare at the table and occasionally back at Jean.
It was the worst tension right now.
"Okay. I just want you to listen."
You shoot Jean a dirty look. You hated how demanding he sounded, as if you owed him to listen. Jean takes a deep breath.
"I just think it's time we moved on from what happened and pick up where we left off. I'm sorry your experience that night wasn't the best but I really like being with you-" You start to hear white noise after he says the words "your experience." You glance over at Floch to make sure this is even happening. Even Floch is taken back by Jean's words.
You can't even hear Jean's words if you wanted to. That beginning was so bad you couldn't stand to listen to it. What the fuck even was this? Was this an apology. It couldn't be. He was just saying words at this point.
Your mind feels hazy so you say the first thing that comes to mind and you interrupt Jean from his speech. "It wasn't my experience. That was the experience. It was an awful experience."
Jean's face is blank and Floch speaks up. "Y/N, you know this guy?" Floch shares your disgust as you look at him.
"Yeah, he's the worst guy I've ever met."
This catches Jean. When he was talking before, his look was genuine but his words sounded otherwise. It sounded like he was reciting some awful speech to you. But now, he looks defeated, maybe even a little upset at your words. You could laugh at him right now.
"Okay." Jean mumbles and takes a bite from his apple. Him eating an apple right now just made the horse jokes more clear to you now.
"What? What did you say?" You inch more towards Jean's side of the table. You want to pick a fight so badly with him. You have so much anger in your heart and now it feels like those two weeks of suppression are fading away.
"I just said okay, Y/N." Jean says with his mouth full before he swallows.
"Yeah that's what I thought. But it was the way you said it. Your tone. Like I'm the one wasting your time."
"No that's not what I meant." Jean almost looks desperate now but you could care less. You were feeling too many emotions to think clearly. He goes to speak but you don't let him fit any words in.
"I don't care what you meant. I didn't like your tone."
Floch becomes even more visibly uncomfortable but you didn't care. Your main focus right now was making Jean uncomfortable the way Floch was and it was working, maybe even a little more.
"I didn't have a tone." Jean stares at you finally with annoyance in his voice.
"There it is! That tone!" You laugh at him.
"There's no tone. You sound like a fucking mom, Y/N." Jean spits at you. He was growing more irritated as egged him on. You smile at Jean and turn to Floch.
"Floch, was there a tone?"
Floch looks at Jean, back to you, and finally back at the table below him before quietly saying
"There was a tone."
You laugh cruelly and face Jean who's already defending himself. "Are you kidding me? He's only agreeing with you because he was just drooling over you a minute ago." He rolls his eyes and Floch gives Jean a nasty look before speaking up.
"You don't think I have a mind of my own?" Floch inches towards Jean.
Jean laughs wickedly, similar to the way you do as he says "YES! Holy shit, I do think that!"
You interrupt the two boys. "Just admit you had a tone."
Suddenly a female voice sitting behind you speaks up. "I heard a tone." Your head whips around to see a familiar face. It was the brunette with the freckles from a few weeks ago. She was with that blonde girl. Ymir was her name?
You smile at her words and turn around to see Jean who's just staring blankly, absolutely defeated. He looked tired and you hated the part of you that felt sorry for him right now, but he deserved it. Even more after that little speech he gave you about experiences. You still couldn't tell if that was an apology or just him being a douchebag for fun.
This conversation was over. Whatever just happened was over. It was time to leave. You glance at Jean one last time before getting up to leave.
You swing your legs out from under the table and gather your trash. You felt a lump in your throat as if you're about to cry.
Were you seriously about to cry right now? Over what? Jean? No, you couldn't accept that. It was probably just the fact Floch made that comment about kissing you. That's what you tell yourself before you hear Jean call out to you as you walk away.
"Y/N."
You freeze in your tracks. It's like your body went against your mind and all it took was Jean's voice to command you. Almost like it was a natural instinct. You never felt anything like that. It made you hate him even more. How he had this effect on you. You have to force yourself to keep walking.
You exit the dining hall see outside that the sun had almost completely set. The sky was a grey color and everything felt monotone.
The events of the last 15 minutes felt like a nightmare. Why the fuck did Jean do that? What was the point of saying all of that? Why was he so persistent on hurting you? Even after weeks had passed?
You feel like a zombie as you continue your walk. You hope to god Jean doesn't follow you out here. If you weren't sure before you were now;
You couldn't stand the mere thought of Jean Kirstein.
You remember back to the first day you saw him and how he told Shadis he wanted to join the military police. You remember how your initial reaction to that was hoping you'd see him there and that'd you get to know him.
If only you knew then.
You have no idea where to walk to. You don't want to back to the girl's bunks yet. Sasha was a great friend to talk to but you couldn't talk to her about Jean. You didn't want to talk about Jean. You just wanted to be alone and ignore everything.
Jean said at the cliff that night he liked it there because how it was away from the other "headaches" walking around this camp. You contemplate going to the cliff. It was so peaceful there. But maybe that night, it wasn't the cliff itself that was relaxing you. It was probably the illusion of Jean you had that made you so content.
Plus you fucking hated the woods at night and the thought of going in there alone was too terrifying for you. You barely made it through the first time, even when you were gripping Jean's hand for security.
If Jean were to follow you outside right now though, he'd probably go near the girl's bunks or somewhere away from the dining hall. So the idea comes to you to just wait on the side of the dining hall building. You walk over to the side of the building facing the forrest and slide your back down the wall to sit down.
You felt tired and more so overwhelmed. When was Jean going to leave you alone? When was everyone going to just leave you the fuck alone?
You felt like you had won the lottery of life where the prize was waking up everyday and hating your life.
Your back presses up against the dining hall exterior as you stare out into the sky. How was this the same sky you used to stare at in Marley? Or the sky that was there that night on the cliff with you and Jean?
You hug your knees to your chest as you feel your throat burn. You didn't feel any tears brimming your eyes but the feeling of crying was there. The only sense of comfort you have right now is to bury your head to your knees and breathe, so you do.
[play watercolor eyes by lana del rey]
But the breathing exercises you have just turn into sobs without the actual tears. You sit there alone and dry heave into your knees praying it'll stop soon as your throat pain worsens from it.
As it worsens by the second you hear a voice standing above you. There's no fucking way someone heard you from behind this building so that means whoever was there followed you. These motherfuckers on this island..
"Y/N?"
You snap. You were so fucking sick of hearing others say your name today.
"WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" Your yell is muffled through your head still being buried between your knees.
"Oh god- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you more upset. I just saw-" the voice is soft and belongs to a boy. It wasn't soft the way Jean's was. It wasn't as nasally as Floch's or deep enough to be Reiner's.
This was the voice that belonged to Armin Arlert.
Shit.
Now that was the one person in the entire camp you didn't want to flip out on. Armin didn't deserve that. But he was catching you at a terrible moment. You try to save yourself.
"Fuck." You mumble before lifting your head up to look at him. It was honestly shallow to admit right now, but Armin was really pretty but not in the way Jean was. Jean was a mix of handsome/beautiful while Armin was just the prettiest boy. And right now he certainly looked that way.
Before you can stare at him more you quickly rub your face and get your apology together. "I'm sorry, Armin. I thought you were someone else. I'm sorry. Fuck." You sniffle, now you actually feel tears brim your eyes.
The idea of you accidentally yelling at Armin like that was enough to make you actually cry. He had been nothing but sweet and genuine to you since the time you've been here. That was more than what you can say for Jean.
"Oh, don't apologize. I just saw the way you walked out of there and I wanted to make sure you're okay. Are you okay?"
Your face can't help but scrunch up into a pre cry at Armin's words so you look away and rest your head on your knees, looking forward. You're almost certain that's the first time in your life up until that moment someone has actually thought about you like that.
To make sure you're okay.
You have to contemplate telling him the truth or just lying and saying your fine. You couldn't lie to him. Lying was inevitable being who you were and being in Paradis, but you weren't like that as a person.
"No, not really." You choke out a dry laugh and sniffle again. "But I'll be fine. I just want to be alone." Although Armin was sweet, the truth of it right now was that you wanted to be alone. Your favorite person could come up to you right and you'd still tell them to go away.
"Oh, I understand. Well if you want me and Mikasa are all going to the common room right now to-"
"No, I'm okay. Thanks." You have to interrupt his proposal to hangout with him and Mikasa. You knew he was only inviting you because he felt sorry for you. Either way you still just wanted to be alone.
"Are you sure? It's getting cold out here." Armin almost has a begging time. Similar to Floch's earlier from when he asked to kiss you.
"I'm sure. You can go now." It comes off harsher and dryer than you intended but it seems that's what is necessary right now. He wasn't going to stop unless you just pushed him away.
"Okay, well I hope you feel better." You finally look back up to Armin and he gives you a weak smile. You don't return one as you turn your head back to staring forward.
From the corner of your eye, you see Armin just stand there, like a statue. He stares at you for a few seconds before he follows your gaze to the woods in front of you two. Why was he still here?
"Shouldn't you be meeting up with Mikasa right now?" You mutter only loudly enough for Armin to hear. You hope he takes that as his cue to leave.
"Yeah I should."
You wait about ten seconds expecting Armin to be on his way but he stands there frozen. He leans his back against the building and continues staring ahead.
You sigh and look up at him again. He looks back down at you.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I know you're annoyed that I'm still here but it's just-" You interrupt him, trying to be rude to just get him to leave.
"It's just what?" You stare blankly at him.
"I just don't want you to be alone right now. It's almost completely dark out and you're sitting here crying. You don't have to talk to me or tell me anything. I just don't want you to be alone. I'm sorry."
Now that does it for you. You cant hold back your tears anymore. You don't want to open up to Armin about anything. You were so tired of opening up to people and hoping they'd meet your expectations.
You were so tired of being let down.
If Armin just wanted to sit here and watch your mental breakdown, then sure. He can watch all he wants. You were your very own hypocrite. You keep saying to yourself and others now you just wanted to be alone when you knew damn well how lonely you were.
All you wanted was to be with someone. Especially right now. Maybe that someone was Armin.
In between your broken sobs you try to speak. "Shit- Armin. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry-"
You lose yourself in your pathetic apologies. You weren't even sure who or what you were apologizing to. You just couldn't stop.
Armin slides down the wall to sit next to you. "Don't apologize."
"No, I want to." You mumble as your sleeve to your sweater rubs against your nose. "I'm sorry. I don't even know. I'm just sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, at least not with me." Armin says in an almost whisper. He wasn't wrong but then again he kinda was. You weren't the nicest to him as of lately. These past few weeks you really just brushed Armin off.
Every attempt he made where he tried to talk to you was meaningless and resulted in him rambling as you just tuned him out waiting for someone to interrupt you guys. You couldn't even remember what the fuck Armin would talk to you about besides once last week when he asked if you and Reiner were dating.
You didn't give him a yes or no, not because you meant to but your initial reaction was "Why do you ask?" Then followed by an "Absolutely not."
You didn't know what was more unsettling: The fact Armin thought you'd date someone like Reiner or if you and Reiner were really seen together that much that someone could assume you were dating. It didn't make sense. You and Reiner were barely together except at night and you were positive little to no other cadets saw that. So why would he ask a question like that? You had better things to worry about at the time so you brushed it off.
Armin spreads his legs out in front of him and you keep yours hugged to your chest. He keeps his word as the two of you sit in silence for about five minutes. However that's not long to last as Armin is the first to speak up.
"You know, I don't really care for Jean either."
You swear you feel your face go white but you just shift uncomfortably. You really didn't want to talk to Armin about Jean and what he did. Armin didn't have to know that so you remain silent as he continues. "You know, Eren and Jean hate each other so much but they just remind me of each other sometimes." Armin chuckles.
Although you want to be upset right now, you can help but smile softly at that. You had got to know Eren a little bit through Mikasa these weeks and you couldn't help but think the same thing Armin said. Eren and Jean's differences were most noticeable on the surface level but look a little closer, those two were the different sides of the same coin.
"They probably hate each other because they just hate themselves." You say. It's definitely a little out of pocket to assume Eren and Jean hate themselves but no one acts that confident the way they do and love themselves. It was an overcompensation.
"You think so? I like to think I know Eren better than anyone, even Mikasa. But I'm not so sure if he hates himself."
"He definitely does." You know from personal experience.
"Maybe. I think Eren is just mad at the world."
"Why?" You accidentally say a little too harsh. You had no idea what Eren could be mad at. If there were people to be mad at the world it was you and the other warriors. What could people on this island be angry at the world for?
"Well, Eren has been different since Wall Maria fell. His mom died that day and his dad vanished. That'll do something to a person."
Shit.
It was horrible to admit but you were starting to forget how you were apart of the reason why any of that happened. In your defense, you were passed out in Reiner's mouth while it happened and woke up after it was all over, but still; you were there.
It was honestly selfish of you to think only you and your friends in Marley were the only people allowed to suffer. You were starting to forget how other cadets had different point of views of that day. How they had no idea you and three other "cadets" were responsible for it all. It didn't matter if they knew the whole story. People died, they lost loved ones. You destroyed their homes and lives. If they knew the "whole story" that wouldn't redeem you. No one would forgive you.
But why were you even thinking about forgiveness? Maybe that's what your subconscious wanted but it's not like that would change anything. Maybe before when you kept apologizing to Armin that was just the underlying guilt of you situation shining through. But redemption? You far past that point to even think about it. You respond to Armin.
"I'm sorry about Eren." There you go with the useless apology.
Armin says quietly. "I mean it's not your fault."
Change the fucking subject.
Armin reads your mind almost.
"So, do you think Jean actually hates himself?"
There was honestly no doubt in your mind that Jean did. Or at least didn't fully like himself. But who did?
"Definitely."
"He has an interesting way of coping with it." Armin says, slightly shifting his body towards you.
"Tell me about it." You say dryly.
A minute of silence goes by until Armin interrupts it again.
"Do you wanna take a walk?" Your head turns towards Armin and your eyebrow raises a little. He turns his head to meet yours and smiles. "We don't have to meet up with Mikasa. But I'm tired of sitting here and I feel like a walk would be good for you." He finishes his sentence by standing up.
He brushes off the excess dirt on his pants before reaching his hand out for you to take to stand up.
Fuck it.
[wasteland, baby by hozier]
Your hand goes to reaches for Armin's but his hand closes the gap before you can. He grabs it and hoists you up. You can't help but notice how soft his hands feel and notice how they're well trimmed. It almost reminds you of Jean's hands except nowhere near as big. You don't notice how long your still holding onto Armin's hand thinking about Jean until Armin snaps you out of it.
"Uh, are you okay?" He has a nervous look on his face. It's actually kinda adorable, as if the simple act of holding hands is too much for him to handle.
A gust of wind flies through you and Armin's hair as he continues his stare at you. You can feel him squeeze your hand and you contemplate intertwining them just to make him more nervous but decide against it. Your facing away from the wind but Armin isn't. It blows his blonde hair back so it's all out of his face and as cheesy as it sounds;
You feel like this is the first time you're actually seeing him.
How could you ever look past Armin Arlert?
He was kind and attentive. He was pretty. He was everything you could ever want in someone. He was so much that it almost didn't feel enough. Like this was too good to be true. He was there for you tonight and even before when you wouldn't pay attention. He was always so persistent with you.
It meant more than you can describe especially after feeling so disposable to everyone, even the other warriors. Bertholdt and Reiner telling you to go off and leave them alone. Annie ditching you. Jean walking through you like a ghost and only paying attention to you when he felt like it. It was getting too much. You just wanted to stay in someone's life for a little longer. The irony of it all was too much.
What if Armin was that? It was a desperate thought so you let go of his hand and let it fall to your side. "Sorry, I've just had a long day. Long weeks to be honest." You whisper looking at him.
"I can see that. Let me walk you back to the girl's bunks." Armin smiles softly. You smile and nod. That sounded nice right now. Just a walk with Armin. The clouds and sky were grey and you were sure it was about to start raining. So maybe it was time to go back to the bunks for the night.
Suddenly, you feel Armin grab your hand again and begin the walk.
You curse to yourself. You really couldn't make up your mind between having something happen between you and Armin to make up for the Jean loss or just being his friend. Letting go of his hand before, you were leaning more towards the friend option. Plus, not that you were embarrassed of Armin, it was nothing like that, but you just didn't want anyone around here seeing you two hold hands.
Flashbacks of everyone in the bunks watching you and Jean from that first night all of the time ago soar through your mind. But you already let go of Armin's hand once and don't want to seem rude so you just hold onto it as you two walk. Your hands aren't intertwined, it's more like he's just clutching your closed fist.
It definitely doesn't feel as good as holding Jean's hand. Right now you feel more nervous anyone will see you two. Maybe you'd enjoy it more if it was in the woods where no one could see you like how Jean did it. But then again you were almost positive, even after everything, you'd like it if Jean held your hand in public for everyone to see. So maybe you were a little embarrassed of Armin. You try to convince yourself you like this as Armin talks some more.
"Do you remember the first day of training we ever had here? Where Shadis went around and screamed at us?"
You do. That was the first day you saw Jean and at the time, who you'd find out to be Sasha. Who knew at the time potato girl would end up being your bunkie and the smiling boy you were staring at that day would pull some shit like that at a cliff one day.
But you also remember standing next to Armin. He was right next to you the entire time. You remember thinking how this world was going to eat him up. Walking with him now and him holding your hand, you couldn't believe he was still here. You wondered how much longer he would last.
"Yeah, I do. I remember how we stood next to each other and Shadis screamed at you. Remember that?" You smirk as you look over to Armin who's blushing. You feel a light drizzle. You two are still a distance away from the girl's bunks so you pick up your speed. "How could I forget." You feel Armin give your hand a squeeze. You're too lazy to return the gesture.
"Why do you bring it up?" That day was so insignificant now so of course you have to ask. "I'm just thinking about the first time I saw you." Armin says.
You think back to seeing Armin for the first time that day too. You thought he was cute and that his haircut was awful. The cute thing held true but now the haircut was kinda growing on you. You couldn't help but think that maybe a bowl cut would do him justice though.
"Yeah? What did you think?" At this point you're just trying to make conversation but you are curious. What did Armin think of you?
"Honestly?"
You can see the girl's bunks in your vision now. This conversation with Armin was going to have to wrap up. And you had to let go of his hand before you two got any closer so no one would see. You respond to Armin.
"Sure. Honestly, what did you think of me."
Armin stops walking and faces towards you. You almost crash into him. You weren't expecting him to stop, especially as the drizzle of rain became slightly harder.
"I thought you'd be in my life for a long time."
You have no idea why, but Armin's words make your heart sink to the lowest point in your being. Maybe it was his seriousness or the rain that was unsettling you, but you weren't sure how to take that. You barely knew Armin, probably most of all out of all of the friends you made here so it just made you think, how much time did he spend thinking about you? And why?
You put on your best poker face and smile. "That's sweet, Armin. Thank you." He seems satisfied with your answer. "Can I ask you something."
Motherfucker.
You just wanted to go back to the girl's bunks like he promised. You walk past him to continue your walk and just hope he follows you like a puppy if you answer him. "Yeah, ask." He follows you.
"What did you think of me?" You glance over at Armin and see how big his eyes are. He looks like he's about to start crying almost if you don't answer correctly.
But what the fuck was his correct answer?
Fuck.
"That whole day was a blur to be honest." You say. That was a lie. If there was one day you'd never forget here it was that day, no matter how insignificant it was. You glance at Armin and he's still staring at you. You know your answer definitely wasn't some equivalent to "I thought you'd be in my life for a long time." But you weren't going to lie. Who the fuck thinks something like that? You add on anyways. "But I remember you standing next to me. I thought you were kinda cute." That was as much as he was getting out of you for tonight or ever. You had a feeling what Armin was getting at now. He probably had a crush on you.
You don't want to see Armin's reaction but instead you hear him call out. "Hey! EREN!" Armin waves with the hand he's holding and lifts your arm to wave at Eren. Your heart sinks even further. Of course you were gonna run into someone and of course it had to be Eren. And of fucking course you were holding Armin's hand still. You can't entertain this anymore.
Not with Eren here now.
When you look ahead you see Eren walking towards you two and you feel sick looking at him. You just remember Armin's words about his mom dying that day and his dad vanishing. You try to forget about it but it's impossible
You pull you and Armin's hand down abruptly and let go. You were growing way too tired to entertain this anymore. Eren was coming in the direction of the girl's bunks. Eventually the three of you are met up.
"Hey, I was actually looking for you, Y/N." Eren says as he lifts down his hood to see you guys. Armin answers before you can. "Yeah, she was with me. We were talking." Armin is smiling and Eren just gives him a blank stare before putting his attention back on you. You suddenly want to slap Armin the way you used to with Reiner but you suppress the urge. Eren talks to you.
"I went over to the girl's bunks to find you but Mikasa said you weren't there so I figured I'd find you tomorrow but looks like I found you myself." He has to raise his voice a little as the rain comes down heavier and thunder rumbles.
"Looks like it." It's almost as if Armin and Eren don't notice the rain. At this point you're going to be soaked when you get back to the bunks. It was also too late to shower so now you'd have to sleep with rain all over you. Your irritation from earlier was coming back and Eren could tell.
"Can we talk, Y/N?" Eren asks, still trying to speak over the downpour. Armin answers for you again "Why?" You look over at Armin and give him a dirty look and he glances away.
"Can we talk tomorrow? I'm sorry I just want to go to bed now." You say to Eren and he nods. "Yeah, definitely. If you're going to breakfast tomorrow, I'll find you." You nod and start your walk again, not even caring if Armin is following you anymore.
What the fuck did Eren need to talk to you about? You could think about it once your inside. You start to do a mild run to the bunks as the downpour begins. You hear running steps follow you.
There's no way.
It's Armin and he already caught up to you. You contemplate just doing a sprint to leave him behind but decide against it. Armin yells out "I promised to walk you all of the way back and I'm a man of my word!" You wish he fucking wasn't.
You were already soaked, there was no point in trying to save yourself now. But Armin had an even further walk to the boy's bunks in the opposite direction. As irritated as you were right now, you didn't want Armin to walk all the way back alone. You turn around to still see Eren who's walking in the opposite direction. It's not too late for Armin to catch up with him so he doesn't have to walk back alone.
So you stop in your tracks and grab Armin's hand so he stops with you. "You should catch up with Eren. I don't want you walking alone for that far in the rain like this. Plus we're pretty much here." Your shoulder nudges to the girl's bunks that's about 500 feet from you two.
"Right. That's a good idea." Armin begins. "I hope you have a good rest of your night." You smile and turn to walk away but Armin continues to talk.
"I like you a lot, Y/N. We should do this more often." Did he consider this a hangout? Maybe it was a mild bonding experience at the least but it only started because he wouldn't leave you alone like you initially wanted him to.
You continue to walk, making pretend you didn't hear him but he goes on."I care about you a lot." He calls out. It's like he wanted you to come back.
Fuck.
As annoyed as you were, you hadn't even thanked Armin. He was being annoying but trying his best to be sweet. He really didn't do anything morally wrong tonight that you knew of. So you turn around and walk towards him. You didn't want to talk anymore. Not just to Armin, but to anyone. So as you finally close in on him you wrap your arms around him. You figure this would satisfy him to send him on his way.
You swear it takes yourself more by surprise than him. It's the most physical contact you've had with someone in years. You rest your head on his shoulder as you hold onto him. It doesn't take too long before Armin wraps his arms around your back, returning the hug.
Maybe it's the physical contact or the Jean interaction tonight that's making you emotional but you feel yourself wanting to cry. You hold Armin a little tighter and you can feel him pull you in closer. You mumble to his neck.
"I'm sorry."
You feel him shake his head and you hold onto him for a little longer. You had a feeling he wouldn't let go unless you pulled away first. But even the down pour of rain couldn't make you want to pull away right now. Maybe this is what you needed. Not to talk to Annie again or shit talk with Reiner. Maybe you didn't have to walk around this island with such a high guard.
The warriors on this island were the last people there for you. Your family, or who you had left of it hadn't spoken to you since you came to Paradis. The people supposed to be there for you never were and you were constantly left waiting around.
Why was it that these "island devils" were the only people making you feel good or there for you? You remember before you left for your mission all of those years ago, the way Magath or other officials told you the way the devils here were. But it wasn't adding up.
Maybe it wasn't just Sasha or Mikasa or Armin who were the exceptions. Everyone on this island, they were just people. Maybe some of them here were even a little more human than some of the people in Marley.
Your hands clutch onto Armin's shirt and you feel your eyes brim with tears. You were an emotional wreck today. You went from not liking Armin, to liking him, to not, to hugging him. Emotionally unstable was an understatement for yourself. All these weeks of suppressing how you rely felt were just showing tonight, especially right now. Maybe this is acceptance.
"I'm sorry, Armin. Just thank you." You mumble and hope it was loud enough for him to hear. Your prediction is wrong from before. Armin pulls away first, but still holds you. He looks at you and you do the same.
It doesn't last long as you glance away, embarrassed that he's probably seeing the tears in your eyes. He already saw you crying tonight but it wasn't this up close and personal.
You stare off to the side thinking about Paradis and Marley still when suddenly you feel Armin close to you.
He's more than close to you.
Too close
His lips are on yours.
Armin is kissing you.
You're absolutely frozen. His eyes are shut and you only notice because even as his mouth moves against yours, you can't shut your eyes. Almost like if you close them you won't believe what's happening.
You're also scared who you may picture if you close them.
The kiss isn't long. Maybe three seconds.
As soon as he pulls back he opens his eyes to read your face. Armin can probably see how shocked you were to even enjoy the kiss because he's already saying sorry and losing himself in a nervous rant of how stupid he is.
You just stare at him through the rain and listen to the thunder in the back. Hugging Armin felt nice and you were too taken back to enjoy the kiss. Maybe kissing him would feel as good as hugging him. So you decide to see find out for yourself.
As he continues his ramble you lean your face in again to meet his lips. This time it's Armin who's surprised. You don't see it because this time you actually close your eyes to give him a proper kiss but you can feel it at first, how it takes his lips a second to move with yours.
The last time you kissed someone was Porco the night before you left for your mission. Armin's lips were definitely softer than Porco's and Armin actually knew how to kiss back. You feel Armin sigh into the kiss which reminds you; you haven't been breathing. So you pull away for a second to catch your breath before going back in.
As soon as you start to enjoy the kiss. Realization kicks in.
What the fuck were you doing?
Your dumb fucking ass just couldn't learn.
But that's not what makes you pull away from the kiss. It's one thought that does.
Jean.
As soon as he crossed your mind you pull away from Armin and back away abruptly. Armin's lips are still puckered from the lost of contact and he looks at you confused. "What? What's wrong?"
Why the fuck were you thinking about someone like Jean right now? Why did Jean have to ruin everything?
Then again your low key thankful the intrusive thought of Jean crossed your mind and was enough to pull you off of Armin. You shouldn't have kissed him. It was a mistake. That was the last thing you should be doing.
You wipe your lips and speak. "You should catch up to Eren. It's not doing any good for us to keep standing out here." You feel frozen. You need to see Armin leave first.
"Oh." He says sadly.
"I'm sorry. I just don't feel good standing out here." That was true. You were fucking freezing and anyone could catch a cold standing in this rain. But those weren't even your biggest physical problems right now.
The issue was the splitting headache you developed as soon as Armin started kissing you. At first you thought maybe it was just a headache you got from crying so much. But something was different about this.
It felt like your head was splitting open.
You were probably just exhausted to a point of pain. Armin speaks up. "Yeah makes sense. I'll get going now. Night Y/N." Armin stares at you like a lost puppy again
How many more times did you guys have to say goodnight?
"Goodnight, Armin."
Finally, fucking finally, he turns around and runs back to the boy's bunks.
You turn around and mimic his run to the girl's bunks. On your run there you pray no one saw that kiss. Forget the hand holding you two did, that kiss was something you wanted no one to know about. It was one of the worst mistakes you made since being in the cadets. More than going to the cliff with Jean.
When you walk in the girl's bunks, not a single individual glances in your direction. It's a relief and your mind tells you no one saw that little scene in the rain between you and Armin. You shuffle your way to your bed, shoes squeaking from the wetness. Your drenched self leaves a puddle trail as you walk to you bunk. You couldn't think right now. Entering the girl's bunks felt like stepping back into reality. Like time stood still in here.
As soon as you see your bed, you fall into it. Sasha is passed out on the top sleeping the day away. You're thankful for that. You can't handle real conversation right now, not with this headache. Your groan and turn over in your pillow. It felt like your head was about to explode. You could cry from the pain alone. You take a deep breath and rake your hand through your hair to calm you down but nothing is helping.
"You okay?" A voice says. You look up from your pillow to see it's Mikasa changed into her pajamas with her hair brushed back. It reminds you to change out of your wet clothes but your headache was too powerful right now to think about anything but the pain it was causing you and what you could do to stop it.
You look at Mikasa and just think of Armin. He'd probably tell her all about your kiss and hand holding tomorrow. The idea makes your head pound even more.
"I'm fine, Mikasa. I just have this awful headache." Your murmur, looking up at her.
She chuckles before walking away and saying,
"Yeah, I know the feeling."
---------------------------------------