Title: Far Away From Home
Author: yompous
Special attention: am I drawing readers in? Grammar and desciptions.
Cover: One of the things you wanted me to take a good look at was if you are succeeding at drawing readers in. The first thing a reader looks at is your cover. I have a few issues with it. The picture itself, of the gigantic palace of a mansion, which I presume is the Miller's house, is fine. My problem is the color of the font and some of your subtitles. First, though, you cannot claim this book is a "New York Times Best Seller" on your cover, if it is not. I'm not a lawyer, but I am pretty sure you can get in trouble for claiming this. So regardless if you agree with the rest of what I have to say, you need to change it.
While you are at it, instead of making each word of your title a different color (which is distracting and a bit tacky)... make "Far Away From" in white then make "Home" stand out in a different color. This will also make your font seem more professional, I think.
Lastly, get rid of the subtitles "Loss and Love. Love all, trust few". Your title is long enough as it is. Subtitles should only be used if a title is two words or less.
Blurb: The next thing I look at will also determine how effectively you are drawing readers in. Your blurb should be a short description of what the reader expects to read in your book. Your blurb right now reads as:
"What if the person you think is the closest to you ends up being your worst nightmare?"
This one liner is intriguing, but you should've kept going. It says nothing about what this story is really about.
Introduction: You start the book off with a little hello and tell your readers that this story comes from your imagination, so if things don't add up then to just accept it...
...
...
But it is my job to point out when things don't "add up", so I'm gunna. Of course, you don't have to take any of my suggestions. I'm not twisting anyone's arm.
You do provide a trigger warning. I appreciate that since RIGHT AFTER you said that, prologue began and bam the rape happened.
First of all... your information page and your prologue need to be on different parts. Prologue should have its own "chapter". Look at my book Affinity if you don't understand what I mean by that.
I have no problem with the prologue, story wise. I helped clean up the first two paragraphs, but I will address those issues under Grammar.
The first two chapters we are introduced to Mimi. Mimi is saying goodbye to her family, and it is a tearful goodbye. She is from somewhere in Africa and goes to America to stay with this very rich family in Florida, the Millers, while she attends university. All this information... I slowly got it over the course of like 10 chapters, when I should've been given all this information between the first and second chapter honestly. There is no reason for any of this to be a mystery when we are in Mimi's 1st person POV. Something to think about.
The only other problem I have with your introduction to this story is how much time you spent going over every single detail of what she was doing whilst unpacking when it could have been summarized and the reader wouldn't have missed a thing. If I wasn't trying to pick up on mistakes and reviewing, if I was just a normal reader, I would've skimmed through a lot of it.
I want to pause here and tell you that I don't mean to sound harsh. My reviews always come from a place of love and honesty. I want you to be the best writer you can be. But you can only grow with true feedback.
Characters: alright, alright. Sometimes this is my favorite part of the reviews I do cause I get so attached and emotional about these fictional people you guys create! Which is great cause if you're making me feel something, you're doing your part as an author, to some extent. Without further ado, I will focus on Mimi, Mrs. Miller, Zach, and Riley.
I want to point out that not all characters are made to be likable. I've said this in other reviews. If your character is supposed to have flaws, that's okay. The main character doesn't have to be perfect, but we do need to sympathize. We need a reason to be on their side, atleast most of the time. Or atleast understand why they did what they did.
Some authors even want their readers to hate their main characters. I dont know what the author wants me to feel about the character, so I can only tell you what I think and what I feel and you decide if 1.) You care about what I think and 2.) If what I think is lining up with what you wanted your readers to think. And if it doesn't line up, what can you do to fix it?
MIMI: As I said, Mimi is the main character and this story is told in her perspective. From the interactions she has with others, we are made to believe that she is wise for her age, beautiful, smart, religious, and she intrigues those around her. I don't like how she pushed her religious beliefs on Zach, who probably doesn't believe in God because of what happened to his little sister in the prologue. Bad stuff like that can make you lose faith. And yes, Mimi can be a great influence on him, but she isn't getting anywhere with her 'I-know-better-than-you' attitude. I hope this is something she realizes so he can heal from that. Riley says she intrigues her... but Riley must be bored.
She picks a fight with the sulky Zach but obviously has a physical attraction to him. One thing I didnt get about them was that one day he was softening up and thanking her for getting Riley to apologize (which she shouldnt have had to) but then the next day, he is very cold to her and even tells her to pretend they dont know each other at school. When they accidentally bump into each other later that day, he makes a big deal out of it. Boys, am I right?
I'm sure Mimi and Zach are end game, and he is gonna get some competition from ... well, every single guy Mini has encountered so far: Daniel, Kareem, and there's some other guy...well see.
ZACH: More on "Mr. Moody" or "Peacock" as Mimi called him before she knew his name (don't really know why). He isn't that bad, honestly. I like him. Mimi acts like everything he does is him being ugh, but he really isn't that bad! The only times that I felt pissed at him was when 1. He yelled and shook Riley for no good reason and 2. When he was very rude to Mimi when he drove her to school (now it was hinting that he was distancing himself from her "for her own good", but... eh.)
MRS MILLER: Charlotte seems fake to me. She smiles and is nice to Mimi, but when it comes to Zach, she is constantly telling him "you are doing this" when it comes to Mimi. Usually I'm all for the sons showing the moms respect, but she isn't showing him any respect. You gotta give what you take. It seems the parents didn't tell any of their children that this random girl was going to come and live with them... and I don't understand why they wouldn't. It just puts everyone in an awkward position. So since he didn't know this girl was going to stay in the room WHERE HIS LITTLE SISTER WAS RAPED AND KILLED... no, I dont blame him for being a bit standoffish with the parents who gave him no warning. Mimi doesn't deserve his cold shoulder, but then after her criticizing his choice not to go to Church... I don't blame him.
RILEY: I like her. She is funny and she is catty and sarcastic with Mimi. When a car almost hit her and her brother freaks out, I believe she was in the right. He was overreacting, but then Mimi went and made Riley feel like she was the one who should say sorry.... I didn't like that whole incident. Maybe Mimi was just after a peace, a truce, and getting Riley to apologize was easier than getting Zach to... but Mimi should've just minded her own business and let the brother and sister sort themselves out. But maybe being meddlesome is part of Mimi's character.
And maybe there are those that would disagree with me and say Zach was in the right and Riley was in the wrong... but whatever.
PLOT: Plot is a bit unclear. And we are 12 chapters in... but in truth... two of those chapters were so short, they could've been merged. So in the prologue... we have some girl getting raped and then killed by the family's butler. Then we go to seven years later in the first chapter (I think instead of saying "Seven years ago" in the prologue, you should out "Seven years later" in the first chapter, or both, to make this time skip clear)
The rest of the chapters is about Mimi adjusting to her new temporary home. We have some glimpses into third person omniscient so that we know the "bad guys" are trying to kill the Miller children. (The reason for this is unknown, and I cant fathom it, cause you'd think bad guys would want to kidnap the kids to get a random from rich parents .. but maybe there is something yet that I'm not seeing or yet to be revealed)
I've pointed this out inline, so maybe you have already fixed it... but when Mimi comes back from church and can't get in the gate, why call her dad? She has Henry's phone number cause she had to call him at the airport, so it makes more sense if she just calls him.
Coherent or Consistent Narrative: For the most part, yes. We have a random POV change to Zach when he and Mimi first meet.... I found this jarring and it doesn't happen again .. so you can probably just stay in Mimi's POV. As I said before we have random spots where we get to see the bad guys plotting... but these are fine. The transition is at the very end of the chapters after a scene has already concluded so it's not too distracting.
Grammar: this is a big issue for your book. I corrected the first two paragraphs, but I couldn't keep doing that or I would be rewriting your whole book. You don't use punctuation, at all. And that makes it very hard to read. Another note and this mistake is common when writing in 1st person... you start your sentences with the word "I" constantly. You need variety.
I'd like to make this note... I know you're gonna stick with not doing this, but I want to make a general note to anyone who may be reading this. I want to clear up a writing myth. Your teachers have told you that you cannot start a sentence with the word "because". That is not true. You can start a sentence with that word, BUT you have to be careful. Teachers tell this to beginners because it's easy to mess up. When starting a sentence cess with the word 'because', you must include a independent clause and a dependent one.
WRONG: Because I was lonely.
RIGHT: Because I was lonely, I started doing jumping jacks.
Descriptions/Language: You can get more descriptive with your story. And that doesn't mean you spend three paragraphs describing the floor plan or what your character is wearing... it means you pick something and then expand it. Make it come to life. There was one scene you wrote that I truly felt like I was right beside Mimi. She was sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night that first night and you described the glow from the fish tank and the humming of the freezer. You used atleast two of the five senses. Do that more. Then there was a random picture of a fridge that threw me off lol.
Ending: N/A