"Question?" Francesca yells from the lobby of the rink before even coming into view.
"Answer!" I yell back from the ice. I am just finishing setting up the cones for our ice time. Francesca said we could skip the cones and I could have the whole ice today since I won't be here Thursday, giving her the whole ice then, but I am using this hour as a stress reliever instead of actual practice time.
"Why is Maddie watching the ladies and not me? I am their mother!"
"You're leaving Friday morning for the game Beck and won't be home until early Sunday," I remind her as she dramatically flings her stuff to the floor. It is warm today, the perfect way to kick off the third day of spring, so instead of her usual large puffer and thick boots Francesca is wearing just an oversized sweater and sneakers.
"Well," she starts but pauses.
"Well?" I ask as she concentrates on lacing her skates, thinking hard about what she will say next.
"It would still be nice to be asked," she pouts as she steps onto the ice skating over to where I am standing.
"Beck, can you watch the ladies when I am gone?" Asking is a waste since I know she can't but if it will make her happy then I will ask.
"Oh no I am sorry I can't, I won't be around this weekend," she tells me acting like I didn't already know this. I swear if she decides to change careers, acting should be at the top of her list.
I snort as she skates off clearly pleased with herself. "We have a busy couple of weeks," Francesca notes as she begins stretching. I am just doing a light warm up since my plans today are mostly to shoot some pucks around and stare at my hot ice partner for a full hour. God must feel bad about my shitty week last week because today Francesca is in a tiny tight white cropped shirt that rises up every time she raises her arms.
"Yeah, are you sure about this weekend? You're going to lose out on two days of practice by coming."
"Aren't you going to lose out on a day next weekend by coming to my skating competition?"
"True, but I don't have a routine to rehearse. Beck, if you don't come to regionals this weekend I understand wanting to practice more."
I barely have the words out of my mouth before a stray puck is being flung at my head. "Don't be stupid carsick, I will be there. Besides, weren't you the one lecturing me at 2 o'clock this morning that I need to rest more?"
"You get like 5 hours of sleep every night that isn't healthy," I argue. Francesca is always tired because she does too much all the time. On top of her own skating, and classes, and being a TA, and basically being my therapist, she has started helping some of the younger skaters on the team clean up their routines. Last night she did not get home until 11pm with homework still left to do. I know I was a hypocrite for lecturing her since I do the same thing but I mean isn't the saying do as I say not as I do. "Also not the carsick shit again."
"I think I should bring carsick back, I kind of like it," she teases.
"Francesca Emilia Beckett," I warn, using her full name just to fluster her.
Her cheeks turn a light pink as she sips her water trying to play it cool. "Whatever, meanie. I will be there this weekend so stop wasting your breath."
"Fine," I sigh, knowing arguing with her is a losing battle. It is about as pointless as Bray arguing with me this morning that I do not have to be the last person off the ice every single practice.
"Question?" Francesca says stepping onto my side of the ice and twirling around. This is the most carefree I have seen her in awhile and it is refreshing. She finally is done with all her exams until finals week so besides a paper due the last week of class she has a bit of a break the next few weeks.
"Answer."
"What is your favorite animal at the zoo?"
I look at her trying to figure out where such a random question could have possibly come from but answer anyway. "I have never been to a zoo but-"
"You've never been to the zoo!" Francesca screams like I just confessed to her I am a serial killer. Actually looking at her face I think she would have rather I be a serial killer.
"Shitty parents Beck, keep up." I laugh while pushing her as she stands like a frozen statue.
Her face instantly collapses and her look of horror is replaced by guilt. "I'm sorry," she rushes worried she upset me.
"Butt, you're fine," I assure her. Since telling Francesca everything the other day I feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted off me. I can laugh with her about the things that are normal to most but I clearly missed out on as a kid. I didn't realize how nice it would be to have her know everything but I almost regret not having opened up sooner to her.
"I am going to take you," she announces, hands on her hips in a determined pose.
"Thank you," I tell her sincerely, pulling her into a hug. It is weird to want to constantly be touching Francesca since I usually hate being touched or really any physical contact but I find myself trying to touch her anytime we are together.
"New York has a great zoo and you can even get tickets to feed the giraffes and meet animals. When I was little my parents took me because it is free on Wednesday and I got so excited when I saw the tiger I ran into the glass and split my lip open." As she is telling the story she points to a tiny little scar on her upper lip I never noticed. I brush my thumb over it and I swear she gasps at the contact.
"Well, I will make sure you don't run into the glass when you see the tiger," I mumble while running my thumb over her bottom lip just to feel how soft it is.
"T-thank," she stutters looking up at me with big eyes.
"Welcome."
"Hey kids," Barb calls out, sending up both flying away from each other.
"Hi," we yell back skating over to where she is to talk.
"Both your seasons are almost done, how are you feeling?"
"Nervous," Francesca confesses. I place my hand on the small of her back trying to be comforting. I guess it works because she relaxes into my touch and even moves a little closer to me so her arm is touching my side.
"Ryder?" Barb asks sweetly, unaware that my brain becomes completely empty every time Francesca touches me.
"Oh yeah, you know excited. It is always fun to play in actual arenas like we are doing this weekend."
"Barb, did you tell them?" Josh appears from the office sliding next to his wife and softly kissing her cheek. I feel like I am being mocked by all the happy couples around me, because I guess having Bray and Parker shoved down my throat at home isn't enough.
"Not yet, I was waiting for you," she tells him, wrapping her arms around him affectionately. I always thought Barb and Josh were a cute little old couple but now I feel this jealousy in the pit of my stomach watching them interact. I want what they have so badly. For the first time ever in my life being in a relationship is something I am not shying away from, I just don't know how to tell Francesca that.
"Well tell them," he tells her excitedly.
"Ok, ok. So thanks to you both we will be closed for a few weeks this summer, after you both go to New York of course, to redo the locker rooms, the bleachers, and finally get a new audio system."
"That is so exciting," Francesca exclaims, bouncing around in excitement. "Oh my god this place is going to be like new when we return," she says looking up at me but quickly the realization hits her.
"This place will look amazing," I smile trying to not let anyone see just how much it scares me that I might not be here in the fall. This is the only place I feel at home and while I am sure New York with Francesca will be fine I am not sure I will feel the same when she is here and I am there. When I am alone with no one and everyone I care about is here together making memories without me.
"We owe you both so much," Josh confesses as Barb nods in agreement.
"We are the ones that owe you," Francesca counters and now I am the one nodding in agreement.
"Well, we will let you get back to practice, come say bye before you leave," Barb instructs before they both head to the office.
"I want what they have," Francesca confesses with a far away look.
"An ice rink?"
"No, the love they have. Don't you?"
"I guess, I didn't used to, but I guess now I do."
"What changed," she asks.
I nearly blurt out you but I manage to stop myself before the words can leave my lips. She is looking at me waiting but she has this look in her eyes, almost like she's desperately waiting for my answer. "Myself," I finally say, it is a bit of a cop out but also true. "I got older and realized that I don't have to end up like my parents."
"I am proud of you," she smiles but she looks a little disappointed in my answer. I kick myself because I know I said something wrong.
Francesca skates off and starts practicing and I do the same. I spend a lot of time slowly retrieving my puck after each shot so I can watch her. If she is upset about my answer still she doesn't show it on her face. Actually she doesn't show anything on her face as she concentrates. I can tell she's still trying to master the counts for her routine as her lips move counting under her breath.
When our ice time is over we both clean up the cones and return to the bench to put our shoes on. "I like the warmer weather," she says breaking the heavy silence that settled over us.
"Yeah spring in Michigan is nice but fall is my favorite. I love when the leaves change and the air starts to get cold."
"We are so different," she sighs, it almost sounds sad as she admits it.
"It's why we work," I hurry to tell her, and myself. We may be different but not too different. Not too different for us to work.
"We work," she asks.
"Of course we do, don't you think?" Now I am getting nervous. Maybe my lack of experience with dating and stuff is showing. Maybe I read too much into things.
"Yeah," she smiles a little, nodding to herself. We both walk to the office and talk with Barb and Josh for a little bit. As we leave Fran waves and casually says, "Love you both, thank you for everything."
As we walk out of the rink I must look completely bewildered because Francesca stops and raises an eyebrow at me. "You told them you love them?" I ask in confusion.
"Yeah," she drags out confused by my reaction.
"But, why," I ask, still trying to process how she just threw that out there so comfortably.
"Because I do? Not like I love my family or how I love someone I am with romantically but I still love them? Have you never told a friend you love them?"
"No," I admit. I think a little bit and then say, "I don't think I have ever said it to anyone actually."
"Never?" Francesca gasps in surprise.
"No," I admit embarrassed. "No ones ever said it to me so-" I don't finish the sentence but Francesca nods in understanding.
"I had a girlfriend who told me she loved me during our first date, she was a little clingy." She is trying to change the subject which I appreciate. It's never bothered me before that no one has ever said they loved me, but now I feel embarrassed. What have I done wrong that I am unlovable to everyone?
Francesca rambles about other embarrassing dating stories as I drive her home. I have only dated a handful of girls in my life and none of the relationships were ever serious so I don't contribute to the conversation. I am pretty sure the only reason we even bothered dating was so we both knew the other wasn't sleeping around, it had nothing to do with love just protecting ourselves from the diseases that travel around a college campus.
"Question?" I say when we pull up to Francesca's apartment building.
"Answer."
"After review tomorrow, do you have plans?"
"Nope, why?"
"We are having a send off party thing and I was wondering if you'd want to come? I know you don't usually come to our weekday parties but I just figured I would throw the invite out there. I mean I can pick you up if you want so you don't have to walk and I don't plan on drinking so if you need a ride home I can drive you home." I am rambling like Francesca usually does and I don't understand why I feel so nervous.
"Will you dance with me?" she asks, cutting me off.
"Yes," I answer without hesitation. I thought I could love nothing as much as I love playing hockey but that was before I danced with Francesca. Before I felt her body pressed against mine. Now hockey has competition.
"Then I will see you at 9 when you pick me up. Bye Ry." Francesca climbs out of my car and waves before disappearing into her building.
I sit in the parking lot still thinking about our conversation as we left the rink. "I love you," I say out loud, testing the words out for the first time. They feel weird but not in a bad way, just in an unfamiliar way.