Chapter track
Willow- Taylor Swift
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Bianca
"Hey," Neil speaks from the other side of the call after what felt like a full minute of silence.
"How have you been?" I ask, trying my hardest to sound as nonchalant as possible.
"Better," He answers. "What about you?"
I've been miserable since the day you left--I want to say but my pride gets the best of me. "I'm.. I'm good." Would've been a lot better if I hadn't hesitated.
"I miss you." I bite my lip and close my eyes, trying to control the restless emotions that are causing havoc in my heart.
I dreaded so long to hear those words from him but when the fantasy is finally turning into reality-all it's bringing in is pain instead of pleasure. And the pain gives birth to anger. "I miss you so much." But the feeling of infuriation starts to fade with the words he's repeating, the words that I've been craving, that has turned me into a fool and a hopeless mess.
I swallow the knot that is formed in my throat. I'm sick of crying so often and I don't want to show how weak he makes me. So, I tilt my face towards heaven, blinking my tears away and clearing my throat.
"I thought we aren't keeping in touch anymore. " I say. "What made you call me now?"
"I wasn't sure if I would ever recover and I never wanted for you to see whatever you had to see that day."
"And what now? Have you recovered?" I ask, my mind already racing up with expectations.
"Not completely, but I've been clean since that incident and the effects of the withdrawals are decreasing as well." He answers. "I'm trying hard. "
"Okay."
"I've been dying to see you."
I remain quiet.
"Please, say something Bia. "
"What do you want me to say?" I mumble.
"Say that you aren't seeing someone else." He blurts. "You miss me Bia, don't you?"
I scoff. "Well, does that even matter? You said that we were over and.. and I had to move on."
"Is it Penzo?" He asks quietly.
"None of your business!" Yup, I intended the statement to be that rude.
He doesn't speak anymore, so I break the silence.
"Okay, Neil. I'm not seeing anyone and I've been missing you like crazy. But, that doesn't mean I'm taking you back again." My tone is harsh. "I don't wanna be with a boy who comes and goes whenever he wishes to. It isn't healthy."
"So, yeah. I'm glad you're recovering well and I'll always remember you in my prayers but that's it. So, take-
"Bianca," He interjects. "I need help."
"What help?"
"Choosing drugs at the beginning was my mistake, I accept. But once I got addicted, it showcased itself as a disease. And it's not only hurting me but everyone around me. I.. I've tried to keep you safe from me-so many times-but I always fail." He sighs. "Yet you accepted me for who I am and I failed you too. It kills me Bianca, it gives me more reasons to hate myself."
He clears his throat before continuing—"There's this one thing I didn't tell you before, I.. when I was in the rehabilitation centre, I didn't complete the six months session. I ran away after 1 month itself. And now that I think of it, I wasn't really planning on getting rid of addiction. I was there only because of my father and every minute out there was like pure torture."
"What I'm trying to say is—I've been through this stage before. But this time, it's different. It's like... I miss you more than my body craves for drugs and there hasn't been a single day that I've spent without thinking of you." He lets out a long breath. "Withdrawals are really difficult, Bia and I know you won't believe it but a slightest bit of hope of seeing you again has been encouraging me to stay clean so far.. I really really want it completely out of my system."
I stay silent so he could continue.
"I know we haven't been together for long but I confess-my feelings for you is so strong that I don't want to waste this life abusing myself, not anymore. I want to live, babe. Happy, with you."
My eyes start to well up again.
"Stay with me, baby. I have problems and I know it's just too much to ask, I haven't acted like the way you deserve. But I'll work on it, harder, for you, for us."
"I'll think about it." I finally say.
No I don't need to think about it, I take you back!- But, the pride thing again.
He remains silent for so long that I had to check if the call is already disconnected.
"Okay," He says. "So.. I'll call you?"
"Okay," I reply. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
Good night, what a joke. How could you possibly have a "good" night after having such kind of conversation? Its like I've bid farewells to goodnight sleeps on the day I first met Neil. I don't remember having troubles sleeping before that. Emotions are healthy but not to an extent where it starts overwhelming you.
The only one who is going to help me now is Jesus. So, I get on my knees and all I can pray was for Neil to recover and return back, close to me.
"Take him back, B. Everybody deserves a second chance."
"Sia! Why were you listening to our conversation?"
"Should've used headphones or could've just went to the balcony if you needed privacy."
"Well, I thought you were asleep."
She shrugs. "I was trying."
........
"What's wrong?" Penzo's words districts me from the thoughts I've been having regarding the conversation I had with Neil last night.
"Nothing,".
"It looks like your mind is wondering somewhere else." We're returning home from school and are walking instead of joining the twins and Maya in the bus because Penzo had requested me to wait and cheer for him as he practiced for the upcoming interschool basketball championship. "Care to share what's going on in that cute little head?" He asks facing me as he walks backwards.
"Well," I shrug. "I space out at times. It's like a habit."
He raises a brow with a smile still hanging on his face but doesn't push me any further.
"So, do you think we can bring in trophy this time?" He asks.
"I'd really like that to happen."
"What do you think?"
"I don't know."
"Haven't you seen me play?" He puts his hands over his head, acting biwildered.
"Yes, but I haven't seen them play. There might be other players better than you."
"Don't you worry about that. When the boys would be throwing me up in the air, I'll be waving at your direction with the golden trophy in my hand."
"That confident, huh?"
"Yes, ma'am. I have worked hard enough to gain that."
"I'd really like for you to shove that trophy on my face. I'd be proud of you."
"I love that idea." He folds his arms accross his chest. "I'm gonna work harder."
"You really enjoy showing me off, don't you?"
"Nah, I only want you to see me."
"I'm looking at you."
"You know what I mean." I just roll my eyes and shake my head like it's a bad joke. But I know exactly what it means and that is already starting to brew in anxiety.
With Neil all over my mind-feeding Penzo with pointless hopes is an extremely cruel idea.
Just when you assume that your life couldn't get anymore complicated.
.....
"Hey," Neil calls me the exact time he did last night.
"Hi," I reply.
The small talk regarding the day and the weather is getting rather uncomfortable because of the awkward silences in between. Both of us know that it is important for us to talk about our situation instead of the unnecessary inquiry of how our day went like. But there is so much hesitation within both of us that it's keeping us from even starting up the conversation.
"So.." He clears his throat. "Did you think about it?"
"I don't know what to tell you, Neil. It's barely been months and we've already seen such hard times. I don't know how far this goes. We're too young to be handling these complicated situations all by ourselves."
"I know I can't fix anything by this but, I'm sorry Bianca. I truly am. You didn't deserve any of the pain I caused you. And right now-" He sighs. "I know I'm being selfish. I'm sorry. It's okay if you don't want me back. I can't give you the reasons that are strong enough for you to give me a chance."
I'm holding my tears silently as he continues.
"You're beautiful, Bia. I'm so glad I got the chance to atleast have the privilege of being your first boyfriend, your first kiss and.. and I shouldn't have screwed up." He breathes out loud again. "Damn, you're the one person I really want to marry someday. "
I can't hold it anymore and I close my eyes.
"This is not how I intended to tell you but.. I love you. I'm not saying these words randomly. I'm not confused either. I'm sure that I love you but the truth is, I screwed up. I'm just... I'm a bad person Bia. Take care of yourself, will you? And don't worry about me. I'm gonna get well this time. I'll work on it. Goodbye."
And like that, I can no longer hear his voice.
I break into tears. This goodbye feels worse than ever. How can I feel this strongly of someone? Why is it hurting so much that I feel like my world is ending?
I can't bear the misery any longer, so I decide to swallow my pride and dial back his number.
"Bia?" His voice is quieter but hoarse.
"I love you too," I say, no longer trying to hide back my cries. "I love you, Neil. Please come back."
"I love you, baby." I can hear him sniffing.
"Don't you dare mess up again."
"I won't. I'll overcome this problem soon and I'll come back for you, baby. Thank you."
I cry harder but we don't speak anymore. The silent exchange of sorrow is enough to break the barriers of distance between us.
I don't remember when I fell asleep but I know that I finally
had a peaceful sleep after a very long time.
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So, what do you think?
I guess I'm the laziest writer ever. But you know, I get busy with so many other things that I get exhausted by the time I try to catch up with this book.
Anyway, do you like the chapter? I know, some of you might be thinking like- Isn't it too soon to say the L word? But I was sixteen when I fell in love with my boyfriend and now he's my husband. So, it's possible. We just need to figure out and accept our feelings without getting worried about stuff like commitment issues. It's just what I personally feel.
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I love you guys,
Happy reading.