a/n: two things 1) Harry leaving the gym like this minus the mask in this chapter and 2) any chapter that has an asterisk means there is explicit content within the chapter <3 enjoy!!
✵ ✵ ✵
Harry's POV
What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do?
It was repeating over and over in my mind, and I couldn't get it to stop. What the fuck did I just do? No one ever rejected me. No one. I had just told a woman that I liked her, and she said that we were never going to happen. That never happened. I was used to people being overly eager to get with me. Normally, they were begging to sleep with me. Yet here was this person who had not only turned me down, but she had implied that she never wanted to even give me a chance.
Sure, I would be the first to admit that I had been a bit of a dick, but it really was because I didn't want her to get involved in all of the stupid drama that came along with me. There was so much more than anyone really knew. No media outlets had all of the details—we had kept it out of the public because it would ruin absolutely everything. I knew it would likely not involve me as much as it would the other party, but it still was not something that I enjoyed thinking about.
"Mr. Styles," Anna began. "We still have your two o'clock appointment with Mrs. Woods, and I think it was an important—"
"No. Cancel my appointment," I told her before she could even finish speaking. "I can't deal with it right now."
Anna looked surprised, and I knew it was because my words came out harsh toward her in a way that they never did. Apologizing to her, she quickly went on to reschedule the appointment for a different day, Geoff following me to the car. It was no surprise that Trey was already outside, holding the door open for me to the vehicle. At this point, there were two sides of me. One side wanted to be upset, and simply go home to sulk. Then, there was angry side that simply wanted to go to the gym and work out for hours on end. I knew my blood was boiling at the thought of her turning me down. After all, who did that? Who would turn me down? It made absolutely zero sense.
The more I sat there and thought, the angrier I became. Once Geoff was in the passenger seat, Anna was in the seat to my left, and Trey was sitting up front, I found myself asking him to drive me to the gym. I wanted to work this anger off. The thought of going back to my place made me feel closed off, and I was certain if I didn't rage, I would take it out on my own things. It would just be a big ordeal, and I knew it was the last thing I needed to deal with.
"Sir, I hate to say it, but you have an appointment with Vogue later today," Anna stated. "Do you not remember?"
"I want it canceled. Clear the rest of my schedule for the day. I will not be working, I'm in a shitty mood."
Anna nodded, quickly beginning to make phone calls. Staring out the window, I clenched my jaw, feeling overly pissed off and now I was anxious as well. Why didn't she want to be with me? Sure, I had been rude, but I didn't think I had been that rude. Plus, I knew that her stupid boyfriend or whatever he was wasn't the worst looking guy I had ever seen, but I felt like I was more attractive than him. I felt like an idiot even comparing myself to the guy, but she made no sense. How could she choose him over me?
Unlocking my phone, I quickly went to my contacts, finding my mother's. My finger hovered over the screen for a few moments, the image of my mother, my sister, and myself as her contact photo from a few years ago. I had yet to change it, but I knew it was because we hadn't really taken a photo together recently. After a few moments of debate, I finally tapped the screen, calling my mother. She was more than likely annoyed with me by now, but I was glad when she picked up, my mother answering sweetly.
"Hi, baby, are you okay?" my mother asked almost immediately.
"Yeah," I sighed, knowing that not having seen her since June was really getting to me at this point. "I miss you a lot."
"I miss you, too, Harry. When is my baby boy going to come home? I would love to go to New York, but I'm so busy with work."
"I think I'll be in England for a couple weeks in December. Right around Christmas. Then I have to go to Italy."
"Ooh, I might go with you there. If that's okay, sweetie? Oh, I just wish I could hug you. I miss you so much."
"It's been kind of difficult recently," I told her honestly, leaning my head against the window as I spoke to her. "I'm just ... God, I'm twenty-nine, and I don't have a fucking family. I know my career is very important, but I also want kids, and nothing is working for me."
"You don't need to rush, angel. Plus, it's not your fault the girl you thought you were going to have kids with turned out to be someone else entirely."
I sighed, wanting so badly to just curl up into a ball and cry. Nothing was going right in my life currently. Sure, it might have all seemed fine when it came to the media, but the actual reality of it was that I wanted to be settled down by the time that I was thirty, and that clearly was not going to happen. Every time I thought I was close to something, it would fall apart. Nothing ever went right from me. Or, not nothing, but nothing went right when it came to trying to start a family of sorts. Of course, I should have been focusing on my career. I was twenty-nine. I was still in my prime, yet I was still upset. It had always been my dream to have a family, and while I could be an asshole sometimes, children always brought me back down to earth. They were always so kind, and caring, and I just adored them. Plus, they usually had no clue how dark and awful this world truly was.
"I'm just tired of the same routine," I continued to tell her. "It's constant. I have a meeting here, a photo shoot there, a premiere to go to here. I never get time for myself. And I've been a total prick to Finley, but I—"
"Did you tell her you liked her yet?" she asked, cutting me off entirely. "The cute one that you went to that fancy dinner with, right?"
"Yeah, her. And I did tell her I liked her, but she said she doesn't like me. No one has ever said that to me. Why doesn't she like me?"
My mother was quiet for a moment. I wondered what she was thinking or what she would say. I mean, my mother was supposed to be on my side through thick and thin, so I figured she was going to say something that had to deal with me. But, when she did speak, it was in a way I hadn't expected her to.
"I mean, you said you were treating her like a prick, Harry. I don't know why you would do that since I taught you better, but maybe that has something to do with it?"
Groaning, I leaned my head against the window as my mother simply laughed. It was not what I expected in the slightest, and I couldn't believe she was basically saying it was my fault. I was so used to everyone being in agreement with me that the moment someone went against me it simply felt off. Then again, it was probably best that my mother was attempting to put me in my place.
"She told me we were never going to happen," I continued to say to my mother. "Like, how does she know that? What if I swindle her?"
"Baby, I don't know. Other than you being rude, would there be anything else stopping her from being with you?"
Oliver. Fuck that dude. There was no reason for Finley to be blinded by some subpar bartender. I wouldn't lie, when I had known him as the bartender at Rapture, I thought he had been a cool guy. Now that I knew him as the guy standing in between my fate with Finley, I didn't like him very much. Actually, I felt an ever growing hatred toward the guy, especially since he was the one that got to take her home last weekend.
"I guess there is one person."
"Oh god, she has a significant other?" my mother groaned on the other line. "Harry, you can't just try and ask a woman that has someone already if they like you. What is she supposed to say to that? If you told me she was seeing someone, I would not have encouraged you to tell her that you liked her, sweetie."
It was irritating. I had left the part about Oliver out because I didn't think it was going to be such a serious thing. They had barely been seeing each other, so how was I supposed to know that they were into one another? Then again, maybe I didn't know everything. Maybe they had been seeing one another more than I had assumed. The only reason I even knew of their outings was because I followed Oliver and he usually posted when they were out, but maybe he wasn't posting all the times they had been together.
"Harry, I'm serious," my mother continued to lightly scold me. "Don't mess with Finley's life like that. If it is supposed to happen, it will happen naturally. You won't even have to do anything."
Sighing, I tugged at my hair, still feeling anxious at the thought of being rejected. It had stung more than I thought it would, and I was looking forward to getting a good workout in. Once we pulled up to the gym, I covered the speaker of my phone, calling a goodbye to Trey. Anna and Geoff asked if I would need anything from them, and I shook my head no, assuring them that my trainer was the only person I needed right now. Anna promised that Ryder was already inside waiting for me, so I managed to say bye to them, heading into the gym. There were a lot of people inside, and while I wasn't usually bothered by it, I definitely wanted to train in the private room today. Walking up to the receptionist desk, the woman working smiled at me, my phone being placed between my shoulder and cheek as I pulled out my membership card.
"I've gotta go, Mum. I'll talk to you soon."
"Are you okay?" she questioned. "I mean it, Harry, I don't much enjoy getting drunk calls from you when it's early morning here."
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going to work out."
"Oh, okay. You stay in shape, Harry, I know that's something that makes you happy."
It made me laugh, and I reminded her that if I didn't stay in shape, she wouldn't have her pretty house in Italy. My mother thought that was funny, thanking me softly, even though I assured her that she had nothing to thank me for. After all, she had taken care of me for so long, even for about a year when I was twenty-six, so I knew I would forever be grateful for my lovely and wonderful mother. Without her, I probably wouldn't be anything today, so the fact that she thought she needed to thank me for her place in Italy was crazy to me. After we said our goodbyes, I gave the girl working my gym card. She scanned it, telling me to have a good time as I headed inside the gym. Lucky for me, Ryder was already waiting the way Anna had explained, the man raising an eyebrow as he looked at me.
"You're working out in that?" he questioned, gesturing to the suit I was wearing. "I don't think that will give you very much lee way."
"No. I have extra clothes in my locker. Let me just change, and we can go about it."
He nodded, allowing me to head to the changing rooms. I quickly managed to unlock my locker, taking my bag out, and then changing into my gym clothes. Unfortunately, I didn't have a water, but thankfully, there was an empty reusable water bottle in my locker that I had left here for purposes like this one. Taking it out, I managed to rinse it out a couple of times before filling it with water. Making sure I was suitable for the outside world, I took my phone with me, locking my locker back up, and then meeting Ryder. He smiled at me, raising an eyebrow as we started to make our way for the personal training room.
"Why are you here on a Tuesday, my friend?" Ryder asked.
"Personal shit."
"Oh God, not Kristen again."
"No, no, no," I shook my head. "Not her."
Ryder seemed relieved, and I knew it was because when I was upset, I was the most physically able to beat him in boxing. Of course, I had to be really angry to box, though. The thought of someone hitting me was terrifying, so I had to be in such a fit of rage to actually feel like it was even worth putting the gloves on to verse my trainer. Otherwise, any hits from Ryder would just result in me completely falling to the ground and crying. It had been that way for years now, and while I hated how fragile I had become, I knew it wasn't necessarily my fault.
Asking for a pair of boxing gloves, he looked a little nervous. It was obvious what kind of mood I was in when I asked to box, Ryder appearing somewhat worried. Normally, he was right. If I came in and asked to box, it almost always had to do with Kristen. This was different. This had to do with a woman who didn't even want me. It was crazy to even think the words, especially since I had people falling at my feet constantly to be with me. Then, to find out that the one person who I felt like I was actually interested in after a while was not interested in me was infuriating.
Ryder came back with two sets of boxing gloves, along with tape. He then led me to one of the private rooms, and I knew it had to do with the fact that I preferred to box in private. There were times where I could stand to exert myself in front of others, but this was not one of those times. If I was simply running, or lifting weights, that was fine to do in front of others. Boxing felt more personal to me and I wanted to keep it that way.
"So, what are we doing today, Harry?"
I watched as he started to tape up his hands. It didn't take too long, especially since Ryder was normally coaching professional boxers when he wasn't with me. However, I held out my hands to him, allowing him to tape up my hands as well. There was something about boxing when I was this angry that made me feel like I could do almost anything. And yet it was crazy to think that sometimes I was scared—terrified—to get hit.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Are we fighting, or do you want me to call commands?" Ryder asked.
"Oh. I want to kick your ass. You're going down."
Even in my fits of rage, I had only ever taken Ryder down a handful of times. Still, I blamed it on the fact that he had more technique than I ever would, though, I guess that happened when almost all of his clients were boxers. He helped me put on gloves, Ryder following suit. We both stood in the center of the mat, Ryder clearly trying to understand just how angry I was. As I stood there, I continued to think about what she said to me. She had been so quick to explain that we would never happen. Finley wanted nothing to do with me, and I could not stand that. On what planet was I not good enough for her?
I was irritated, of course. While I wasn't truly freaking out, I was definitely annoyed, knowing that I wanted so badly to let out steam. The only way I knew how was through boxing. I needed to be physically exerted in some ways or another, and while sex did the trick I had no intentions on having it currently. The last thing I needed was to sleep with someone and say the wrong name—say her name.
"Just to clarify, you said you're going to kick my ass?" Ryder cheekily asked.
"No, I'm going to kick your face," I stated, my sarcasm incredibly obvious.
Ryder looked amused, and I still knew that it was because he had been a boxing coach for years now. He had probably taken me down what felt like a couple of hundred times, my trainer usually managing to get me to the ground. We didn't always box, sometimes he simply pushed me to do more cardio, or weightlifting, but I could feel a win in my bones today. After allowing myself to be vulnerable, and for the girl I was vulnerable with to tell me "this is never going to happen," I was surely in a fighting mood. Not to mention that I really just wanted to hit something without it actually being someone I was legitimately hurting.
"Clean fight," Ryder stated. "You can't hit me in the groin, and nothing too hard."
"Alright, boss, I'll see what I can do."
Ryder thought that was funny. He knew I only called people I disliked that name, and while I didn't dislike him, I had to be in the mode where I felt like I certainly did. He called out when we were able to start fighting, going in for a punch to my face, but I quickly blocked it. Following that, Ryder narrowed his eyes, trying again, but I shifted out of the way, getting a hit to his shoulder. Ryder looked a little thrown, allowing me to get another hit to his shoulder. Before I could pull very far back, he managed to get a hit to my arm, though I was quick to hit back with a two step punch, one landing on his blocked arms while my other hit his gut. He let out a breath of air, glaring at me.
"You really are pissed, huh?" he asked.
I didn't answer. I hit him again in the stomach, followed by a quick jab to his shoulder once more. Ryder punched me in the face, and while there was a part of me that got a flashback to memories I hated reliving, another part of me was angrier. I was angry that Finley was someone who would never commit those heinous behaviors toward me. She would never put her hands on me. It was so clearly the last thing she would do, and I was irritated that I would never get to experience her in a loving and caring way.
Without much thought, I was hitting him again. I didn't even care if he got one or two little jabs in because I was beating Ryder over and over again. I managed to take him down, Ryder grunting as he tried to over take me but it wasn't working this time. I was too pissed. I was quite literally raging, and there was nothing that could stop it.
He tapped out eventually, leaving me to stand up and take a glove off. I helped him up, Ryder staring at me with a confused glare as he stood. It was obvious he didn't know what had just happened, Ryder still in a state of shock as he stared at me.
"Man, are you sure you're good?" Ryder asked.
"Fine. Totally fine."
"Well, are you sure? I'm here to talk as well, Harry. You know that. Do you want to run the treadmill just to get the rest of it out of you?"
It was an alright idea. I wasn't positive if it was what I had wanted to do, but I decided that it was. Sighing, I took the other glove off. Ryder and I put the gloves back where they were supposed to go, the two of us heading toward the treadmills. Honestly, running sounded better than going back home, and I knew that was because my thoughts would invade everything I had going on, and I would be unhappy then. We did about thirty minutes of running on the treadmill, then ended up on the elliptical, and then ended on one of the bikes. Ryder and I chatted here and there, my trainer relaxed while I was still irritated beyond belief. Though, my anger only continued to grow when I realized that there were too many people coming inside just because I was here, my eyebrows pulling in as we both headed to the locker rooms.
"We put up the glass door that you have to be buzzed in because of you and a few other celebrities," Ryder told me. "I'm so sorry that they still come around."
"What am I going to say? If you think about it, they're the reason I get paid. Sure, it sometimes sucks, but I get it. Or, I do to an extent. Showing up at my house, or bothering my family is not cool whatsoever, though."
Ryder agreed, saying he would hate it if the place he felt he could relax was always being bombarded with people. He also said that if anyone thought it was a good idea to bother my family, they definitely needed some sort of help. I didn't think it was fair that I had gotten calls from my mother saying she couldn't go to bed at night because of fans. Not to mention that Gemma was sometimes scared to take my nieces and nephews to the park all because of someone trying to take pictures of them. While I enjoyed my work, I didn't always enjoy what came with it. The paps following my every move, every little thing I did being scrutinized, and my love life constantly being put on display. Not that anything was really happening currently, but there were definitely articles about Kendall and I the other night leaving a hotel together the day after my party.
Rolling my eyes at the thought, I quickly showered, changing into a red sweatshirt and navy blue shorts. I knew I had to take my gym bag home today, not wanting it to be kept here with dirty clothes in it. Once Ryder and I were both finished, we headed out of the locker room. I said goodbye, thanking him again for allowing me to come in on such short notice. He nodded, waving to me as I went to exit. However, I was very unhappy with the amount of people I noticed outside. There were more than I would have preferred, Geoff thanking wait immediately outside the door. Once I stepped outside, everyone was quiet for a moment before they all started shouting my name. Most of them were teenage girls, and while I didn't want to stop, I felt obliged to do so. Geoff looked annoyed that I was stopping, but I knew it was because he was in charge of my safety, and anytime I stopped to say hello to fans, it could be a complete surprise as to what was going to happen.
"Harry!"
"Harry, over here, please!"
"I've never met you, Harry, will you please meet me!"
They were all screaming, and I found myself wishing I hadn't stopped. However, I noticed a little girl in the crowd amongst everyone else, the mother of the child appearing grateful that I had chosen her daughter as I crouched down. The little girl grinned at me, and I could tell she really liked me. However, I had no idea what I was doing in her life that made me so important. After all, I modeled, and I wondered how that would have made sense to a girl of about four years. She smiled when I took her hand, my lips pressing to the back of it easily.
"Hello, angel, aren't you just the cutest?"
"Hi, Harry."
"Do you have something you want me to sign for you?"
She looked up at her mother, and I watched as the mother asked if the little girl was certain. It was clear what her choice was when she nodded, the mother pulling a stuffed animal out of her purse, and handing it to the small girl in front of me. I took the marker her mother had also, signing it where she pointed before kissing the bear, and then kissing the top of her head. The little girl grinned, and before I could leave, she hugged me tightly, thanking me softly as I held onto her.
"Of course. Have a good day, love, okay?"
She thanked me loudly again, the crowd aweing as I stood up, shaking hands with the mother, and then continuing to the car. Geoff looked pleased that I had only wanted to talk to one person, and I managed to get myself into the vehicle, just as Trey was about to shut it, someone tried to get into the car, my eyes wide as I stared at them. They were screaming at me, the woman making a complete fool of herself as Geoff pulled her away. It was scary and irritating to say the least, Trey shutting the door quickly. Geoff climbed in after the ordeal had been dealt with, allowing Trey to begin driving.
"Mr. Styles, I am incredibly sorry," Geoff said.
"Sorry for something you didn't do?" I asked.
"I just mean if I had been standing guard better, it wouldn't have—"
"She was a fluke. I know you wouldn't have let that happen on purpose."
Geoff nodded. It left the car ride to be silent the rest of the way. Once we arrived at my place, Trey quickly got out of the vehicle to open the door for me. I thanked him, telling both him and Geoff that I probably would not need them for the rest of the day. It left them to thank me, the two going their separate ways since Geoff usually left his car parked at my apartment building.
As I made my way inside, I started to get irritated again. She wouldn't get out of my head. Every other second her image was flashing in my mind, the words of rejection stinging as if she had just muttered the words to me. I wasn't certain if I was embarrassed, necessarily, but something was not sitting right with me.
Groaning loudly once I was inside my place, I slammed the door shut behind me, locking the door as well. It was followed by heading to the laundry room, quickly being sure to throw my dirty clothes in the wash. I went to my room to grab the couple that had been strewn around my room, leaving me to start a load. Not much later, I took my shoes off, heading to my bedroom to lay down. It wasn't long before I began scrolling through my phone, deciding that Instagram was the app I wanted to go through. Though, after about five minutes I completely regretted it, my eyes narrowing on the picture that Oliver had just posted with the caption, "Brought lunch to my favorite girl." It, of course, was a picture of Finley. I was even more irritated now, chucking my phone elsewhere and getting up out of bed.
This had to be the most annoyed I had been in a while. I wasn't certain on the last time I was this angry, and while it was over some stupid girl, I was just beyond confused. How could she pick someone that wasn't even on my level over me? Heading into the bathroom, I started the shower. My body was on fire, and I wondered if she thought it was easy being of the jealous kind. Was I selfish? Yes. Did I ever want to see her with him? No. Everything in me wanted to call her and tell her that she was making a mistake. I wanted her to be with me, and while she might have been happy with Oliver, I wanted to make her happier.
After I had undressed, I got into the shower. The water was warm, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. Why couldn't I stop thinking about her? It was hopeless. She had told me she didn't want to be with me, but for some reason that made me want her even more. I found myself sighing, wanting so badly to fall into a pit. I had never been this upset over someone not liking me. Grunting to myself, I decided that if I couldn't bring myself to having sex with someone, I would have to do the next best thing which was to use my hand.
The water was hot, so it wasn't difficult to get hard quickly. Honestly, with her in my head I very easily became aroused. If she ever knew how many times I got off thinking about her, she probably really would have no interest in me. It was probably one thing to do it here and there, but almost nightly she was on my mind and my dick was in my hand while I thought about her. I didn't like thinking of her on her knees for Oliver. I didn't like thinking about how he could be the one pleasing her. It pissed me off even more, actually, because I wanted it to be me. I wanted to be the one taking care of her every desire.
She was on my mind as I jerked my hand quickly along my length. I was beyond bothered at this point. I felt like I was hotter than the water with the amount of rage boiling throughout my body. Taking a deep breath, I found myself whining softly, my hand furiously shifting back and forth along my dick. I was pretty sure I had never wanted to finish so quickly. I didn't want it to last, I just wanted to get off and call it a day. But of course, why would anything go my way? Instead, I was stuck being sexually frustrated as I tried my best to please myself. I wanted it to be her. I wanted her hands on me, I wanted to be in her. I wanted to take her well and in a way she had never been taken before. She was all I could think about as I tried to get off and while I loved the thought of her, I couldn't get over the idea that it wasn't her.
It took a while before I finally started to feel even remotely satisfied. The anger coursing through my system was obstructing how I wanted to feel. Though, I finally found a pace that felt good, my body continuing to jump slightly. It wasn't long until I felt a pull in my stomach, my hand not letting up in the slightest. I felt like I was on fire, tugging my length quickly between my hand. My breathing started to become inconsistent and I knew it meant I was close to what I desired most at this moment. As I continued to play with myself, I thought of her. I thought of all the things I wanted to do to her. I couldn't stop myself from picturing her in every single way I wished to take her. She was beautiful beyond words and I simply couldn't imagine a world where I didn't get her beneath me somehow some way.
After a few more pumps, I managed to release. I continued to fuck myself through it, letting out breathy moans. I would have done anything to have been finishing on her, but alas that clearly was not an option. I wasn't sure if it ever would be. Coming down from my orgasm, I made sure that if I had made a mess of any sort it was cleaned up. It was followed by being certain that I washed myself up before I finished up my shower. Drying off, I stood in front of the mirror. I didn't know how this had happened. I didn't know how I had gotten to this point. She was always on my mind now, and it was driving me absolutely mad. I just prayed that somehow, some way, she would be willing to be with me.