A/N: Sequel to ribbon dispenser !!
Like most things did, this started out as a bet between the duo as well.
Since both of them were working from home, they had way more free time than required. Because Dazai was the worst employee to ever exist in the history of bad employees, practically all his time was 'free time'. Sure, he had Zoom meetings with the Agency and stuff, but why pay attention to those when he could just annoy his partner, right?
On the other hand, Chuuya was actually a good example. As an Executive, he had to set a decent example for the lower ranked Mafia members, at the very least. Even without the Executive title, he's always been a hard worker, insisting on doing his job first. Everything else could wait.
Well, his diligence and work persona could be seriously questioned after what went down a week ago. Not only had Chuuya zoned out during a very important meeting about four times, but he had also ended up revealing to his colleagues that he was married. The mafioso had actually called over his husband and used said husband's bandages as ribbons to tie up his hair. Certainly a very good example on his co-workers.
Fortunately, the only ones in the meeting were people he's known for years. At least the newer employees didn't have to experience the serious trauma that was watching their powerful Executive be soft and domestic with just is husband. The Port Mafia has clearly experienced it's fair share of trauma from when the duo worked in the Mafia together.
Apparently, it was now the Armed Detective Agency's turn to get their own dose of trauma and regrets.
The bet happened on a night when Chuuya was making pizza at home. His partner complained a bunch about how the pandemic was so stupid and that not allowing restaurants to make deliveries to their homes should truly be illegal. He didn't ask for things much, but he had been in the mood for pizza that day, okay! Food delivery services were temporarily ceased due to the pandemic; hence, the only option was for Chuuya to make pizza at home.
Somewhere between their aimless conversations, they stumbled upon the topic of impressions. Dazai insisted that he could do a perfect Chuuya impression, and then proceeded to actually prove his word. Well, it wasn't like pretending to be Chuuya was difficult or anything. He just had to shriek a little and lash out profanities while talking about wine and hats. Chuuya punched him for such a stereotypical impression, but he looked cute doing it, so it was okay.
Other than that, Dazai also insisted that Chuuya could never do a flawless Dazai impression even if he tried his best. In his words, "There's no way an angry, chibi slug like you can ever measure up to my bright personality!"
To that, his partner scoffed some and threatened to take away his pizza privileges, "Stop calling me short, asshole. Besides, I can definitely do a perfect impression of you. I've done it before."
Dazai raised his eyebrows as he carefully slid over his pizza away from the angry redhead's reach, "Oh, is that so? Say Chuuya! How about you answer all my work calls tomorrow? I haven't done any work in a while, so I'm sure there'll be lots of calls to answer tomorrow. You can pretend to be me then, and we'll see how many of them will actually buy it."
Chuuya muttered, "Don't be an idiot. I have work tomorrow and-"
The detective cut him off, "You have the day off tomorrow. It's decided then, Chuuya~!"
With that, he finished his pizza and put away the dishes before skipping back to their bedroom. Chuuya screamed curses at him, but not for too long. This whole thing was just an excuse for Dazai to make Chuuya do all his work once again. It was almost like they were in the Mafia again. Back then, they could easily forge each other's signatures. Apparently, they were taking it a few steps further seven years later, by pretending to be the other person completely.
They figured out the details of the bet later, right before falling asleep. If Chuuya managed to make at least half of the callers think that they were actually speaking to Dazai, it'd be his victory. In this case, Chuuya could take Dazai with him during one of his fancy shopping trips, and use Dazai as the designated bag-holder. However, if he failed to successfully pretend to be Dazai, the latter was off bag-holding duty for a whole year. Due to these outcomes, it was obviously a very important bet now.
The next morning, the pair woke up around their usual time and sat down for breakfast, courtesy of Chuuya, of course. Since Chuuya had the day off from his job, he'd be spending the whole day being Dazai and doing his work. usually, the mafioso wouldn't agree to such a thing. But well, he's been wanting to go on a shopping trip for a while now. He could definitely carry all his bags around using his gravity manipulation, but having his lanky husband do the job was funnier and more amusing.
They also agreed that Chuuya would take all the calls on speaker. However, if Dazai snickered at any point of time and gave the whole thing away, it would automatically be Chuuya's victory. It was a very important bet, okay! Anyway, today actually happened to be the annual paperwork-updating day. Dazai was sure to expect a lot of calls.
The first one to call was the Agency's resident doctor, Yosano. The phone went off when Double Black were still sitting at their breakfast bar. Chuuya gave the other a look before pulling the phone towards him, and answering it on speakerphone.
He chirped, "Good morning, Yosano-sensei~ Such a beautiful day to commit a double suicide, isn't it?"
The woman snorted from the other end of the call, "Shut up already. Anyway, have you filled the medical records for this year yet? It's due today, you know?"
Chuuya shot his partner a glare before turning back to the phone, "Ehh, didn't I fill one last year? Nothing's changed since then, so do I really need to-"
Yosano cut him off with an annoyed sigh, "Yes, you do need to fill it out again. Send it in before the end of the day. See you later."
The hall hung up at that; the doctor clearly knowing not to expect a decent answer from her co-worker. Chuuya turned to his partner immediately and threw a crumpled up tissue at him, "You still haven't filled the medical records?! Jeez, at least be a little considerate towards your doctor!"
At this point, the duo were relocating to the couch in the living room, making themselves more comfortable. Dazai sprawled over his partner, "Ehhh, but it's so mundane and boring. Oh I know! Chuuya should fill it for me! You know all my medical details, right?"
Well, Chuuya has clearly known this bastard too long to be able to predict the bullshit that comes out of his mouth. But what was more annoying was the fact that Chuuya already had Dazai's laptop opened, his fingers actively trying to find the medical records file in his email.
The mafioso scoffed, "Already on it, asshole. Now, what's your blood type?"
Dazai gasped dramatically, still sprawled over the other, "Chuuya! You don't know my blood type?!"
Chuuya tilted his head, "Am I supposed to know it?"
The dramatic detective frowned, "Isn't it obvious! How can you not know your own husband's blood type, Chuuya! How preposterous. What if I were to get into an accident and on my death bed and the only way to save me was to get a blood transfusion. Nobody else can know my blood type, so they would definitely call my emergency contact. Imagine my emergency contact doesn't know my blood type! It'll be all your fault if I die in the scenario!"
It was now Chuuya's turn to frown. He pulled his shitty partner closer and pressed a kiss on top of his head, "Asshole. Don't joke about things like that. Besides, I'm just kidding; of course I know your blood type, you O-negative fucker."
Before Dazai could lay out a proper apology for joking about such a terrible thing which clearly made his partner very uncomfortable, they were interrupted by the detective's phone again. So, Dazai just settled for a quick, whispered apology which was responded to by his wrist getting squeezed in acceptance.
Chuuya rolled his eyes at his husband fondly as he answered the call, "Mosh mosh. Dazai's phone~"
It was the Agency's weretiger who had called. He nervously started speaking, "Um, Dazai-san. I've completed your report for last week's client, but Kunikida-san says that we need your signatures on the document. There's also a few other papers that he needs signed, which I've already emailed to you. Could you please look at it and send it back after signing it as soon as possible?"
Chuuya glared at his absolute terrible mentor of a partner relentlessly. He was truly such a terrible person to work with, wasn't he! Chuuya really did have more than necessary experience with working with lazy bastards like him, so he could truly sympathise with the weretiger. To be stuck with Dazai of all people as his mentor; how truly unfortunate!
The mafioso smacked his husband on the head before chirping into the phone, "Good work, Atsushi-kun~ As for the signatures; it's fine, it's fine! I'll get to it. Tell Kunikida-kun not to worry so much."
The weretiger sounded very exhausted when he spoke next, "The signatures are kind of important so if you could do it as soon as possible-"
Chuuya cut him off pleasantly, true to his shitty partner's nature, "Yes, yes. Goodbye, Atsushi-kun!" With that, he hung up on the call without waiting for a response. Something he would never do in his own work calls, but well, he was supposed to act like his annoying partner.
Said partner regarded him with a critical eye, "Decent impression, Chuuya. You didn't sing-song the 'yes, yes' enough, though! It's supposed to sound like 'Yes, yes~'."
Chuuya didn't hesitate to kick him in the shin, "Shut the fuck up, you sorry excuse of a mentor! How are you still making your protégé do your paperwork for you, oi! You made me do all your work back in the day, but that doesn't mean-"
Dazai cut him off with a hand smothered against the other's mouth, "Ow, stop barking, Slug. Don't you have my medical records to fill, and those documents to sign?"
The mafioso swatted away the bandaged hands lingering unpleasantly on his face, before settling to smack the other once again. He sighed before going back to filling the medical records, "You are so shameless. Honestly, it's a miracle that the Agency hasn't fired you yet."
To that, the detective complained a bunch about how this was domestic verbal abuse, and how Chuuya wasn't acting like a loving husband at all! As expected, said husband smacked him again before going back to doing his work for him. For the next few minutes, the pair just worked in silence.
Well, Chuuya did all the work while his partner just lay there, with his head on his lap, his hands busy with playing a game on his phone. Chuuya rolled his eyes at the other's ridiculous antics, but he went with it anyway. The medical records were filled and emailed back to the doctor soon enough. Next came the many signatures, which didn't take very long either. Chuuya did have plenty experience with forging his shitty husband's signature after all.
Once all the boring work was done, the duo decided to sit down and continue watching their show from yesterday. They were currently watching Pretty Little Liars, and while it was a pretty long show, the first few seasons were interesting enough to keep them hooked. Halfway through the second episode of today's binge-watching session, Dazai's phone went off again.
This time, it was his infamous work partner, Kunikida himself.
Chuuya glared at the phone a little as he answered the call, "Ah, Kunikida-kun~ Are you enjoying this lovely day today?"
The idealist barked at him curtly, "Not really. I'm behind schedule and it's all your fault, you bandage-wasting-device."
The mafioso whined as a part of his impression, "Ehhh, but I just sent in the all the signed paperwork!"
Kunikida sounded clearly frustrated when he spoke again, "I'm not talking about that! The employee records. I told you to turn them in a week ago. I still don't see any such email from you in my inbox."
At this point, Chuuya was convinced that Dazai never really did anything that was asked of him. Not that he didn't know that already. But it was so bad to this extent?! How was the man even still an employee? Chuuya could bet his life-savings that Dazai still had a job purely because he was a genius and that psychopath genius brain of his would be useful to have around when enemy organisations popped up out of nowhere to fuck shit up. Anyway.
Chuuya sighed to himself before lifting the tone of his voice while speaking into the phone, "Oh that~ Don't worry so much, Kunikida-kun! I'll get to it when I feel like it."
The obvious sound of a pen snapping in half rang out from the phone. A forced, deep breath later, the idealist started to rant, "Do it right now, you useless employee! Work comes first; there's no such thing as doing work when you feel it. One must always uphold the Agency's reputation, and hence, work clearly comes first-"
Chuuya glared at his partner before letting his voice ring out dramatically, "Ehh, Kunikida-kun? What are you saying? The network is so bad here! You're breaking up-"
With that attempted terrible performance, the call was ended abruptly. Chuuya could practically feel Kunikida's soul leaving is body due to pure, unadulterated rage direction at the asshole that was their mutual source of annoyance. Except well, Kunikida had to deal with the personification of a headache only during work hours, while Chuuya was stuck with his bullshit throughout the day, and has been for seven years. It was truly too long, damn it!
The mafioso pulled up the employee records file on his partner's laptop, "God fucking hell, you are truly the worst, huh. Have you made it your personal mission to infuriate all your co-workers to death?"
Dazai yawned as he stretched his arms, "Well, not all of them. Kunikida-kun maybe."
Chuuya scoffed as he resumed the show playing on their television for his lazy partner to watch, "You're a menace."
Turning to his side to watch the show, his head still in the other's lap, the brunet declared, "Yet you love me very much."
His partner was clever enough not to respond to such stupid accusations. He just remained quiet, going back to filling his husband's employee record files for him. Chuuya was well versed in doing paperwork, unlike his idiot of a partner. So, it didn't take too long for him to finish everything and send in the files. Once that was done, he was more than happy to go back to watching Pretty Little Liars.
The next few hours were spent lazing around the living room. However, post lunch, Dazai promptly went to sleep as soon as he received an email from Kunikida, reminding him about the Zoom meeting that he was required to attend in half an hour. Well, Chuuya didn't particularly mind attending the meeting on his partner's behalf. This was just for today anyway.
The meeting started half an hour lately, exactly on the dot, with Chuuya attending on Dazai's behalf, and the latter's head still using his lap as a pillow to nap while he did all his work for him. So shameless. Sometimes, Chuuya genuinely wondered what the fuck possessed him to be in love with, and marry such a ridiculous idiot. Sure, he was cute and everything, but the sheer bullshit in Dazai's existence!
Chuuya was truly the only one who could handle all that nonsense without going permanently crazy. Wow. What an incredible achievement. If Chuuya had a regular job, he'd totally consider putting this in his portfolio. Special skill: ability to deal with annoying, stinky mackerel bastards.
Well, anyway. The meeting was scheduled for an hour. For the first half, everything was fine. Chuuya had his camera off, but his microphone was on and he responded in Dazai's voice whenever he was required to. Just like the last time Chuuya was on a work Zoom meeting with his co-workers, things went south in the second half. As expected, it was Dazai's fault.
He stirred from his sleep, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Chuuya was pretty used to events like this, so he didn't think much of it. However, his mic was still on when his husband lazily spoke next to him, "Chuuya, is the meeting over yet?"
The idiot clearly didn't realise that the meeting was still on-going. Honestly, how can a certified genius be so stupidly oblivious and fuck shit up? Chuuya just sighed to himself as he removed the earphones from the laptop, allowing the meeting sounds to ring out into their living room. Dazai's co-workers had clearly heard him.
Yosano spoke aloud, "Was that a second Dazai?"
Meanwhile, Kenji visibly clapped his hands, "Did he say Chuuya-san is there! Hello, Chuuya-san!"
Chuuya rolled his eyes as he turned on his camera as well, "As you can see, shitty Dazai, the meeting is clearly not over yet." He then realised that he was still speaking in Dazai's voice, and switched back to his regular method of speech before speaking again, "Also, hi there Kenji-kun."
Yosano blinked, "The fuck. Nakahara sounds exactly like Dazai."
The mafioso looked at her through the screen, "That was a good impression, right, Yosano-san? And this asshole said I can't possibly pull off impersonating him for a day."
Atsushi spluttered on the screen, "A day?! Chuuya-san, have you been answering all his calls today??"
Chuuya waved his hands, "Oh that? Yes, unfortunately. Listen, if there's anyone to blame, it's Dazai, alright?"
Kunikida muttered to himself, "I was wondering how Dazai has been so prompt in sending in all the required documents today."
Ranpo snorted, looking up from his back of snacks, "Kunikida-kun really thought that maybe Dazai was going to do a better job from now on. Clearly not, unless you want to hire the other one."
The idealist pointed an accusing finger, "You! Why have you been making Nakahara-san do everything for you!"
Dazai finally entered the conversation, his hands waving around in explanation, "Eh! The job just requires 'Dazai' to do it, doesn't it? Nobody specified which one. So, I had Chibi here do everything!"
Well, between Ranpo's statement and what Dazai had just declared, everybody had pretty much connected the dots already. Except, Kunikida needed to confirm that his ears weren't playing tricks on him. He stated in a cool voice, "What."
Dazai tilted his head, feigning innocence, "Chuuya is technically Dazai too. It's the same thing, isn't it?"
Yosano laughed, "It's not the same thing, but I appreciate Nakahara's efforts today. At least I got my medical records updated completely, thanks to him."
Chuuya brushed it off immediately, "No problem. I know what it's like to have a useless co-worker." A glare was sent in Dazai's direction, which was promptly ignored.
Meanwhile, Kunikida was skimming through his co-worker's employee records at an impressive rate. When his eyes finally rested on what they were looking for, he spoke up in disbelief, "It's true. The marital records state that Dazai is married to Nakahara-san. You-! What is this!"
As expected, Dazai had already left the living room by now. He was in the kitchen, looking through the pantry to find something. It was most probably another one of his tricks to avoid confrontation. Chuuya was, however, left behind to deal with his husband's co-workers going through aneurisms.
Kunikida was still spluttering his seat, trying to make sense of everything. Yosano and Ranpo were completely unsurprised, talking about a bet of their own. Atsushi had already given up on ever trying to have a peaceful day at the Agency, while Kenji was way too excited at this new revelation. The Tanizaki siblings were doing their own thing as usual, while Kyouka was completely unsurprised at the turn of events as well; she'd heard about the ribbon incident from Kouyou.
Chuuya offered everyone a weak grin, "Well, uh. I'll be going then. Nice to see you all." With that, he left the meeting as fast as possible before beelining towards the kitchen to intercept his shitty husband.
He glared at Dazai, who was now munching on pocky sticks, "You are such an asshole. I feel bad for your partner."
Dazai scrunched up his nose at that, "Again, he's not my partner, Partner."
Chuuya snorted as he helped himself to pocky sticks as well, "Whatever you say. Anyway, I totally won the bet, alright? Everyone bought it, and besides, you gave it away when you spoke during the meeting."
The detective whined, "How was I supposed to know the meeting still wasn't over, Chuuya! I was sleeping!"
His partner just scoffed, "You'd know if you had actually looked at the timings of your own meeting, idiot. But that's done. You know what this means, don't you? You're going to carry my bags all day long during my shopping trip tomorrow."
Dazai complained some more, "Chuuya, no~!", dragging out the 'o' sound in the 'no.'
He continued complaining, "I don't want to be your bag-holder. You can just make them float!"
Chuuya grinned at he ruffled the other's hair, "That'll attract weird stares. You already agreed to hold my bags for me; no take backs on bets, Mackerel."
Dazai pouted, "Okay, fine, you stupid sadistic Slug."
And well, Chuuya was high on the sense of victory; stupid nicknames and accusations be damned. The next day, they actually did end up going on a shopping trip. Chuuya had a long list of items to buy, and he was sure to make his husband hold everything. Well, everything except the wine bottles. Dazai could never be trusted with wine bottles.
As expected, Dazai complained about being forced to do this throughout the whole day. But he toned it down just a little when Chuuya bought him his favourite Ocean-scented candle from Bath and Body Works. He completely shut down the complaining when Chuuya got him new rolls of bandages.
Purchasing such a cute candle, and purchasing the wonderful, luxurious blessing that are bandages?
It was clearly a very successful shopping trip.