You know, when you envisioned you, Juyeon and your mother at your dining table for dinner, you didn't quite filter in your mother's incessant tendency to overshare. Nor did you remember that she has a very bad habit of embarrassing her own children in front of their spouses. You were there when it happened to your brother and sister. And now, you are here as it is happening to you.
The reason why your mother's bags were so heavy was because she had made the decision to ransack your childhood bedroom for any and every single form of memorabilia from your childhood. Photo albums, polaroid pictures, yearbooks, you name it. And said embarrassing photos and whatnot are currently spread out on your coffee table as Juyeon and your mother look over them, your mother telling detailed stories behind each picture as Juyeon listens on intently.
"That was when her brother dropped her birthday cake all over her," your mother comments as Juyeon picks up a printed photo of you sobbing your tear ducts into a desert, party hat askew on your head, your favourite shirt covered in chocolate cake and frosting, your sister laughing herself to tears and your brother smiling sheepishly as he gets up from where he tripped and flung the cake onto you.
"Don't show him that," you huff, reaching over Juyeon in an attempt to snatch the embarrassing photo from his grasp. Juyeon, ever the athlete (you don't actually know if he was or is an athlete), dodges your attack with ease, lifting the photo out of your grasp as he continues to examine it with a beaming grin.
"You have snot running down your nose," he laughs, showing you the picture like you haven't seen it before, like it wasn't you who had snot running down your nose and cake all over your face. You sneer and advert your eyes, shoving Juyeon's hands away from you.
"So, Juyeon," your mother starts when a silence stretches on, Juyeon too focused on your childhood and you too focused on thinking up of an excuse to leave. "What do your parents do?"
At the question, Juyeon goes rigid. He freezes and though his head is tilted down, you see his smile drop and his adam's apple bob as he swallows harshly. Oh no. Sensitive topic. And you two didn't discuss a backstory either because you were too busy sleeping.
"Mother," you mutter under your breath, sending her a look of censure and a firm shake of your head. Her eyes widen and she clears her throat, frantically trying to think of something else to say to divert the topic.
"My dad is a pilot. He's never really been, you know, present," he starts, head lifting to look at your mother. Underneath the table, your hand nudges Juyeon's thigh, a simple and urgent gesture saying a million things that he completely decides to ignore.
"My mum was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's a few months ago," he says, still smiling.
A silence envelopes the three of you and you try your hardest to hide your shock. That's why he was at the hospital. He must've gone to visit his mother at the nursing home connected to your hospital. Bile rises up in your throat and you feel inexplicably bad that Juyeon has to tell his life story to two people whom he will never see again after tonight. And well, of course, you feel bad for his situation. You would never have imagined that calm, levelheaded, smiley Juyeon was going through such a miserable ordeal, where he has to watch his mother forget him and everything of her life before his very eyes. Your hand shifts from the carpet and tentatively, you reach for Juyeon's hand, giving it a squeeze when your fingers curl around his thumb.
"I'm sorry, Juyeon. I shouldn't have asked," your mother apologises, her eyes darting from Juyeon to the pictures splayed out on the table, gaze shifting uncomfortably from picture to picture as she thinks up of something to change the topic to.
"That's okay. You've been so nice to me and..." he trails off, frowning as he considers his words. "I don't know if this is weird but, in a way, you remind me of my mother. So, I'm so happy that you invited me over yesterday," he continues after his brief pause. When Juyeon finishes his sentence, he squeezes your hand back.
"I'm glad I invited you too, Juyeon. And I'm even more glad about the fact that you might become a part of our family. I hope Y/N treats you well. If she doesn't you just come straight to me. I'll make sure she never does a single thing to wrong you," your mother replies, sending him a beaming grin. You roll your eyes. Your mother never misses a chance to be dramatic.
"Oh no! Would you look at the time! I think it's time for Juyeon to go! Didn't you say that you have a flower delivery to make at exactly five forty-three? What a shame. Come on, get your coat, I'll walk you down," you exclaim in faux disappointment, snaking your hand into Juyeon's palm properly so that you can pull him up with you. Juyeon, always so nice and obedient, stands up with you and trails behind you as you lead him away from the coffee table.
Surprisingly, as you hand Juyeon his coat and take your own, your mother does nothing at all to stop the two of you from leaving. Instead, she silently follows the two of you to the door and watches the two of you leave after saying goodbye to Juyeon.
"Thank you for cooking. It was lovely," Juyeon says as he hugs your mother goodbye. She presses a kiss on each cheek before letting him go and smiles at him sweetly.
"I'll cook for you whenever. Just tell Y/N."
"Okay, let's not agree to anything without me now," you interject before Juyeon can say anything more.
"I'll just walk him to his car," you tell your mother before turning around and making your way to the lift lobby. As the two of you walk with your backs being watched by your mother, Juyeon's hand finds yours and he interlaces your fingers.
The warmth of his palms seems to travel up to your cheeks and your chest, so uncomfortable and intolerably hot that it pulls sweat to the surface of your skin, clamming up your palms and making your feet sweat. You very suddenly and very desperately want to rip your jacket off because of how hot you are feeling but you remain calm and beg your body to calm down. It does not listen and your heart begins to pick up speed and you have to remind yourself for the nth time that this is all merely an act. Juyeon isn't holding your hand because he wants to. Juyeon isn't here right now because he wants to be. Juyeon is not your boyfriend because he wants to be.
When the two of you enter the lift, you expect Juyeon to let go of your hand and retreat to the other side of your lift, far away from you. But he doesn't. He keeps your hand securely tucked in his and stays right next to you, shoulders brushing, your knuckles ghosting the material of his track pants.
"Juyeon?" you call softly, not quite sure if you'd want to ask the question that has been weighing on your mind since you'd woken up. You pause for a while to ponder your thoughts but decide to ask anyway.
"When I woke up, you were holding my hand," you start, gaze shifting from the lift doors to look up to Juyeon.
"Yeah?" Juyeon answers a little too breathless for his liking. He can feel his cheeks grow hot and his palms grow sweaty. Holding your hand shouldn't bother him, especially not when he has a perfectly good explanation for it. But it certainly doesn't help when you're looking up at him like that, eyes wide and earnest and innocent, looking so pure and good and pretty that it makes something in him short circuit.
"Why?"
God, does he not want to answer that question. It'll make things awkward and tense and weird because his reason behind holding your hand isn't really that good of a reason now that he thinks about it. And you'll definitely look at him weirdly after you find out because if he didn't have a single ounce of affection for you in him, he wouldn't have held your hand. But if he tells you, you'll realise that Juyeon actually has a little bit of a soft spot for you. And it's not like he doesn't find you attractive, he does. But, he doesn't know. It'll just make things awkward and he doesn't want to tell you.
But you're looking at him like that.
"You were having a really bad nightmare," he says just as the lift reaches the ground floor. The doors open and the two of you walk out hand in hand. "So, I don't know," Juyeon says, pausing as he pulls open the door of the lift lobby. "I just thought that maybe you'd be less afraid if I held your hand."
You are stunned into silence. Or maybe, you're not stunned but more so you just have no idea how to reply to that. Do you say thank you? Or should you be weirded out that Juyeon's first instinct when he saw you freaking out because of a nightmare was not to wake you up but instead hold your hand? Or should your heart be beating this fast? Should your cheeks be this hot? Should you even be contemplating all these things or should you be trying to come up with a reply?
"Thank you," is what you settle on in the end, just as you reach his car. Juyeon simply shakes his head with a small smile as if to say that it isn't a problem at all to him.
"So..." he trails off, car keys in his free hand, his other hand still holding yours.
"I guess this is goodbye," you say, your eyes to the floor. You'd forgotten about this. That this is technically the last time that you'd interact with Juyeon. That Juyeon isn't actually your boyfriend. You shouldn't be sad. In fact, you should be overjoyed that this complicated, anxiety-inducing lie has finally come to an end. But you aren't. You're far from overjoyed, if anything, you may feel like you don't want this to end. Whatever this is supposed to be.
"Yeah, I guess," Juyeon replies, letting go of your hand. Autumn wind blows through your hair and between you and Juyeon; it blows in between each of your fingers and through each crease on your palm, cold and chilling, a stark reminder of its emptiness and the sheer lack of Juyeon's hand. Your stomach sinks and you can't help but think that the cold wind reminds you of your heart right now.
"Thank you for all your help," you say with a slight bow of your head. "I'll wire you the money soon."
"You can take your time. It's no rush," Juyeon replies with a small smile. You read it as rueful but you're sure that he is just trying to be polite.
"Why do you look so sad?" he asks sightly teasing, dipping his head to catch your lowered gaze. You tuck your chin further into your chest and hope he doesn't see the way your eyes are slightly glossed over.
Times like these really are telling of how much you are your mother's daughter. Because you are being so dramatic right now. Why on earth are you crying? This is a man you hired to pretend to be your boyfriend for crying out loud. He is no one. He is supposed to be no one to you. And yet, here you are, close to tears at the thought of never being able to see him ever again, so painfully transparent with how upset you are at this development that you yourself made happen. You are the one who wants nothing to do with Juyeon anymore. You are the one who wants this whole lie to end. Right?
Juyeon doesn't quite know what to do when he sees the gloss in your eyes, doesn't know if it's real or if he's just imagined it. But then, he glances up and sees your mother watching the both of you from your flat's window and begins to panic. You can't break up here. No, that'll be way too suspicious. And right now, you look too sad and he looks too flustered. He has to do something quick so, without much thought, he pulls you in by your shoulders into a hug, your face in his chest, his chin resting on your head.
You inhale sharply when Juyeon pulls you forward but almost sigh in satisfaction when your face hits his chest. He's warm and smells like wood and vanilla and your heart goes absolutely haywire, pinballing all-around inside your chest, his scent and his warmth almost dizzying. Your arms come up to hug his waist and no one you have hugged can ever compare to the feeling of being hugged by Juyeon. You sink into his chest, nestle your face against the cotton of his clothes, and tighten your arms around his waist. You want to squeeze him tighter, so tight that you are falling into him and burrowing your way into his heart.
"Don't be sad, Y/N," he coos. "You're actually really fun to hang out with. We can be friends," he tells you and you feel his smile against the crown of your head. "Also, I'm sorry I didn't warn you before hugging you. I saw your mum watching us and kinda panicked."
You can't deny the sinking of your heart when you hear that this hug isn't out of his own will. But you settle for it. At least he is hugging you. At least you have held him once. It should be enough. It should be more than enough.
"It's okay," you say, squeeze him a little tighter until you can feel your nose flatten a little. "this is nice," you continue, the sudden confession surprising even you. You did not mean to say that out loud.
"But yeah, we can be friends."
Once again, you feel Juyeon's smile against your hair as he begins to pull away. You let him go and immediately feel the autumn wind rush in between your bodies. So cold and so, so telling of the newfound distance between the two of you, just like your hands, just like this entire relationship.
You watch as Juyeon pulls away completely, sending you a small smile before he turns around to get into his car. You watch as he shuts the door, turns on the engine and fastens his seatbelt. You watch as he sends you one last smile and wave. You watch as he pulls out of the lot, watch as he turns out of the car park, watch as he turns into the main road, watch as he slowly drives further and further away until you cannot possibly see his car any longer.
You feel a sense of relief wash over you when you realise that the lie is over, that you can finally go on with your life as you planned. Not to mention that your mother no longer has any more excuses to pester you or come to your house when you and Juyeon will be 'broken up' in a few days time. You like that you have your freedom back, that you are no longer tied down to another person.
Turning around and making your way back into your flat, you feel a little bit more lightweight, a little bit more upbeat, a little bit more empty. As you wait for the lift, you smile to yourself and completely ignore the loss that sinks your stomach, which will without a doubt ruin your cheer. So, you smile to yourself in the reflection of the lift, downright lie to yourself and shove the unnecessarily troublesome feelings deep down because you are happy. You are happy that this whole saga is over. You are happy that you will never have to see Juyeon ever again in your life. Right?