Chapter Forty Five
On Tuesday evening, I skip dance practice.
I lie here in my room with the laptop screen open, still staring at the unopened mail before shutting it down for fifteenth time today. No matter what, I can't make myself open it even if I want to. With a sigh, I lift myself up from my bed and walk outside, making my way to the bathroom. I didn't expect anyone to be here at this hour, but there is someone - someone who makes me mad just by looking at them.
Hayette's eyes flick to me as she gets up. Maia follows, though there is a look of uncertainty in her eyes. "Heard you ditched Iris?" she asks me. "Is that what makes you happy? Watching others break?"
Oh, you have no idea about what makes me happy, bitch.
I choose not to say that out loud for her. I make my way to the sink, opening the tap to let the water flow. Before I can wash my face, I feel Hayette grab my arm rather harshly. Irritation runs under my skin and I'm literally one step away from hitting her in her face even though my hits never have an effect on anyone.
"I'm talking to you, Harley," she snaps, "or am I too low to talk to a first ranker like you? Which one is it?"
"Maybe I just don't like hearing your fucking voice, Hayette," I retort, struggling to get free from her grip but she's stronger than I am. I roll my eyes, looking her dead into her eyes, finding only one emotion in them - annoyance. She's annoyed by me and I don't know why that makes me so happy. "Let go of me."
"Oh for God's sake," she mutters under her breath before shoving me against the wall roughly. A rather sharp pain emerges from my back and I realise that I hit a nail - a fucking nail. I groan but before I can react to anything, her fist collides with my cheek. My head jerks sideways and I see Maia's mouth drop as she grabs Hayette's arm, asking her to stop.
"Hayette," Maia says loudly. "Don't hit her."
She raises her eyebrows. "Are you on her side or mine?"
"That's not the point here! She'll fucking snitch and you'll get suspended."
Hayette rolls her eyes, her lips curling into a smile that I hate more than anything. She grabs my chin and I let her, not bothering to protest now that I'm in a situation like this without having the willpower to snap back at her now. She leans towards me and in that moment, all of Maia's words fade away and I only see her, realising that it isn't irritation that's stopping me from reacting - it's anger.
"Now, here's what you're gonna do, Harley," she whispers. "You're gonna text Iris. And you're gonna tell her that you will perform with her. I don't give a shit how bad your performance is but you will perform with her because I'm telling you to do it." She grabs the collar of my shirt, trying to make me feel helpless but deep down, I know that she knows that she can't make me do anything. "And if Iris loses any fucking point because of you, I will fucking hit you again and you can go fuck yourself and snitch on me. Nothing's going to happen to me, that's for sure."
"You're blackmailing me?" I ask her, holding her gaze.
"Damn right I am." She loosens her grip on me. "Iris is my friend and you're not. Makes the whole situation a loss better to understand, doesn't it?"
She drops me and steps back, brushing her hands. She waits for me to say something in return. I don't know what she expects from me, but I'm not giving her what she wants. Because she gave me what I needed right now - enough anger and guts to open the email that's been in the spam for almost two months now. When I don't reply, she sighs.
She gives me a sharp look before walking away with Maia, leaving only me in here. When the door slams shut, I shake my head, my lips forming a small smile. I lift myself up and lean on my palms against the counter. My fingers reach my back, to the small tear on my shirt. Touching it, I found blood. I straighten my shirt before looking at myself in the mirror, at my cheek that is swelling at this moment.
The only thing that helps me not to stray from my thoughts is the sound of the running water flowing from the tap. Touching my cheek, I scoff.
Man, she's strong.
When I go back to my room, the first thing I do is walk to my laptop, opening it. The tab is still open, and with a deep breath, I open the email and my eyes skim over the written words over and over again until I'm able to process them.
Lee,
I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm not gonna be back soon but I've attached a contact here which you can call in case you don't find me. Just for the sake of bonding with him, because I'm pretty sure you both will get along per-fucking-fectly. No, I'm not matchmaking. No, you can't date him. He's older than you. And yes, I'm aware that per-fucking-fectly is not a word so shut up. If you call him, tell him your name. He knows you, you know.
Anyways, save the number, I guess. Might come in handy sometime, you know? And judging by how long you usually take to check your mails, it's gonna take you like a month or two to open this. I know you enough to know that, which is contrary to popular belief.
I love you, okay? I'll come back soon.
Until next time,
Your favourite Remmington.
I read the number she's attached down there, before fishing out my phone from my pocket and dialing it on there, cross checking whether it's the right one three times. Well, I hope that it is and I also hope that the person hasn't changed their number by.
The phone rings and I can feel my heart beat so fast against my chest that I can almost hear it. I tap my feet against the floor nervously. I bite my lip, drawing blood. My face aches with Hayette's punch, a part of my back stings because of the nail that hurt me. When I feel it all, I begin to regret it. Maybe this is a bad idea. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I'm-
"Who the fuck is this?" an unfamiliar hoarse voice says impatiently. My heart almost jumps out of my heart. I lick my lips, unable to speak the words I've been thinking of all this while. What I don't realise is that I stay quiet for way too long. "I asked who the fuck this is. You're supposed to fucking answer me."
"Are you Kyle?"
"Yes," he replies. "Kyle Hunter here. Now tell me who the fuck is calling?"
I can sense his impatience through his words. Sighing, I close my eyes for a beat and run a hand through my hair. "Harley," I say but it only comes out as a whisper. He may have not heard me because he doesn't reply to me for a while. Either that, or maybe he's frozen. Can't process what's happening. "It's Harley."
"Harley," he repeats. "Elia's Harley?"
My lips form a small smile but I'm nervous inside. "Yeah. Maybe."
"Fucking hell," he mutters under his breath. "Fuck. What the fuck?"
"You cuss a lot."
"So I've fucking heard. Where did you even get my damn number?"
"Long story." It isn't, actually. All I have to say to explain the situation to him is that I received an email that I overlooked long ago and found his number in it. But I don't say it. At least not yet, not when I'm not even sure why I called him. "I want to meet you."
"Is it urgent?"
"No."
I hear him laugh on the other end. His voice sounds like he's not believing a single word I'm saying. "Why do you want to meet me?"
"Do I need to have a reason?" I ask him.
"Yes. You do. She's told me so much about you, if you're really her. From what I've heard of you, you aren't the kind of person who would contact people like me unless they desperately want something."
People like him. I can already guess what kind of business he is in, and I can't deny that now that I know it, I can feel myself becoming more and more nervous by every passing moment.
"So," he continues. "Do both of us a favour and don't contact me again. It's what's good for you."
"You're telling me that you know what's good for me?" I hear him sigh. "You don't know what's good for me. Nevermind. I'm sorry. My bad to call you without a reason. I'm sorry." I don't sound annoyed or like I'm snapping. I genuinely feel sorry to call him when I didn't even know what I would say to him. That's saying something but I don't generally feel this way.
He takes in a deep breath and I'm about to cut the call when he speaks up again. "Wait," he says. I stop midway. "Wait. Fine. I'll meet you. I owe you that much. I'll meet you."
Another wave of nervousness makes me close my eyes and I realise that I have tears. "Thank you," I whisper.
"Where are you?" he asks me.
I bite my lip before answering. "Redville."
"Excuse me?" he coughs and I know that he's genuinely shocked. "You're at Redville? Didn't know you'd go there after what happened to her."
"Heard that fifty times from many people."
"I like you." He laughs. "Here's the thing, Harley. I'm gonna be around there sometime next week. That's the earliest I can meet you because your place is like a two hour drive from where I'm living right now. That's alright with you?"
I don't answer at first.
Then, he sighs again. "It's fine. I know you don't exactly trust me and I don't trust you either. But she once told me that you'd call. I don't know how she knew that even when she would have shared my number with you. I'll text you the location and time and it's your choice if you want to come or not."
"Yeah. Thank you."
"Oh, and Harley?" he says right before I hang up. "Did she ever tell you that she's sorry?"
I scoff. "She did."
"Right." Neither of us say anything for a while. I'm too busy thinking about meeting him and I'm pretty sure he's doing the same as me. "I'm hanging up," he finally says after a minute or so. "See you, Lee."
Lee.
The line goes out and I close my phone, running a hand through my hair. My eyes begin to ache and I stand up, thinking about winding up my desk before I take a nap. My sleep schedule has been getting worse lately, and so are my eating habits. I'm working on it and it's frustrating knowing that I'm ruining my health myself and not wanting to fix it back.
I open one of the drawers where I've kept my bandages. When I turn away from it, something catches my sight. I tilt my head, walking towards Jude's corner of the room. I know I shouldn't be there but I still am, leaning down on my knees and pulling her covers up at the part where a dull glint caught my eye. It's a sheet cutter, under her bed.
Biting my lips, I pick it up. I open it up, the edge of it slightly covered with dry blood. It looks like she's tried to wash it and at first glance, it may look like some kind of thick paint but it's not. It's blood and I'm sure of it. I sigh, putting it down and pushing it back inside, so far that I hear it hit the wall.
I've been living in the same room as her and I still missed this. People talk about how smart I am and how intimidating they find me. And yet, being the dumbass I am, I missed this. This one important thing that changes everything that I know about Jude and increases my interest in her.
Jude self harms.
The realisation hits me like a truck and I walk back to my bed, thinking about what to do with the situation even though it is none of my business.
+++
Mason: Iris is practicing. She sucks but she's trying because she's panicking a lot. And she's annoying me too but I feel bad for her. I've taught her most of the choreography but it's not working. I can't think of anything else either.
Mason: Just thought I should let you know about it.
Harley: She's learnt it?
Mason: Yeah. Believe it or not, she's good at learning. Just not at executing. Her shitty personality is what makes it worse for her.
Mason: You're gonna do something?
Mason: You can't really be stupid enough to lose 25 points for something like this.
Mason: You'll come to regret it later.
Mason: It's not like I don't trust you or anything. Just tell me that you have something decided and I'll shut up about it.
I bite my lip, tapping my finger against the screen, thinking of what to write.
Harley: Yeah. I do have something. If I don't perform, that's on me.
Mason: You do know what you're doing, right?
Harley: You said you trusted me.
Mason: Yeah well. You're making me nervous.
"Why do you look so tense?" I hear someone ask in front of me. I look up at Jude who's sitting right in front of me, eating her dinner. For some reason, she decided to sit with me, Rhea and Kai instead of her normal group with Ana and the others. Still, the way Ryker refused to come down today is making me a little worried about him.
I want him to talk but he will after he takes his own time. He doesn't really have many close friends around here, it's only Rhea and Kai, and maybe me.
Speaking of which, I admire Kai's patience for not bringing up the offer he put forward earlier once again even though we all know that we do have to decide it one day. And that day has to come, sooner or later because the dates for the auditions are nearing. Kai can't wait forever either.
"I'm not," I shrug. "Just talking to someone."
"Who?"
I raise my eyebrow and she rolls her eyes, sighing.
"Fine," she mutters. She turns to Rhea again, putting on a smile which I used to think is genuine. But after what I saw today, I'm genuinely surprised by how much she can hide behind a simple smile.
I mentally slap myself. It's none of my business, is it? Of course it isn't. But since when have I ever done what I'm supposed to be doing? I consider the possibilities of the things I can do related to this situation to help her but stop doing so before I ruin things for my own self.
With a sigh, I glance back at my phone. I may be able to handle more than one thing at once but this was not one of them.
Typing a quick and short reply to Mason, I open the chat of a person I have never, ever texted before. Then I look up at her, the girl who is sitting three tables away from me with a group that I'm too familiar with. She gets the notification, she reads the text, and her face drops
She looks up and around, searching for someone frantically before her eyes rest on me. Our eyes meet and I can see the unsurety, the fear, the discomfort that she is not bothering to hide at all. At that moment, I did the worst thing I could to make her chill about what I wrote.
I smile.
+++