Picture this scene: Basil sitting at the desk in his room, diligently doing his homework. Sunny sitting at the other desk, playing video games.
From time to time, Sunny glanced at his boyfriend just to admire him. Basil's fluffy hair. His beautiful eyes. If their gazes met, Sunny' heart would jump with a flitting rhythm. If Basil smiled...
Basil isn't smiling.
Sunny wanted to see Basil's rare, genuine smile. He wanted to see that sparkle in Basil's eyes. He wanted to be there when the breeze ruffled Basil's hair and sent a flower petal dancing into the wind. He'd hold Basil's hand, and they would smile and laugh together, the world returning to the brightness and vivid colors he remembered from their happiest days, the breeze carrying the scent of blossoming flowers.
We lost that world, and it's all my fault.
He imagined Basil and all his friends being by his side, smiling together.
But he had crushed his dreams, twice.
Worse, I trampled on Basil's dreams.
With a disheartened expression on his face, Sunny filled up a glass of water. Basil was studying too hard.
"Need anything?" Sunny asked, placing the glass on Basil's desk.
"Thanks," Basil replied, finally lifting his eyes from his thick textbooks to take a sip of water from the cup.
"You've been studying for so long. Want a snack?"
"Sunny, thank you, but I just need to get to the end of this chapter."
Sunny heard fatigue and boredom in Basil's voice even if Basil tried to hide it.
I want to see your smile, but I don't deserve it...
He returned to his desk, feeling a little defeated and not much in the mood for playing more video games.
Sunny felt selfish for wanting to be happy. He felt selfish even when he wanted Basil to be happy. He wished to see Basil's smile, even though he singlehandedly destroyed his friend group. And after his misguided attempt at redeeming Basil ended up with both of them being cut off by their only friends, he figured he would never be able to move on from all the guilt that burdened him.
His life was a series of train wrecks, himself the conductor and his friends the passengers on the train. He was tired of derailing the train and he was tired of Basil being blamed when he wasn't even the one driving.
Yet Basil still wants to be with me.
He accepted my feelings for him.
Now we're together in a way that makes me feel so happy, I'm just afraid that a person like me doesn't deserve it...
The cold wind of the new year howled against the walls of their apartment room. The bright city lights shone crisply in the winter air.
I really need to make everything up to Basil.
Sunny stretched his right arm across the table and lowered his head to lean against his arm in a restful position. He let his eyepatch fall slightly off the side of his head, and opened his blind eye to see nothing more.
Part of him had grown up a little. Part of him was still a frightened child, terrified that no one would be there to hold his hand. He was afraid of being left completely alone. It was kind of contradictory, he knew—he'd been the one to shut himself inside for four years, abandoning everybody. He still found it hard to believe that anybody would want to come back for him after doing something so selfish.
Inside his head, he could delude himself into believing that he wasn't alone.
It required a steady dose of denial and concentration. It required him to deny what he saw with his senses in favor of the colorful places and characters he dreamed up of inside his head. If reality was painful enough, it became very easy. He could lose himself inside those dreams for days without even realizing it.
A familiar black and white figure materialized in front of him.
"Maybe you should go back," Omori suggested. "You don't have much left here. Living inside headspace would be much more fun than staying here, wouldn't it?"
Maybe he's right...
What...no!
"I have Basil," Sunny retorted in the confrontation space inside his head. "He's worth staying in this world for. He's worth everything."
"Why do you even like Basil?" Omori asked. "He caused you so much trauma and suffering."
"No, that's on me," Sunny replied. "Basil only wanted to protect me. He cares about me so much!"
Omori casually took out his knife and glanced at it, flipping it back and forth.
"Back then, I should've been the one to tell him that this wasn't the correct way. I should've been there by his side for those four years. I could've set us both on the right path, by confronting our friends with the truth. Yet...even though he hates being lonely and being abandoned just as much as I do, I..."
"You messed up then, and you'll mess up again," Omori said. "Do you really think you can set yourselves on the right path so easily? How do you know that you won't just make things worse?"
"Because I...because..."
Sunny struggled to find the right words. He had to look deep inside his conscience, deep within those spaces where his most painful emotions manifested. Once he faced them, once he put all those shattered feelings in order, he might be able to find an answer.
But Omori did not let him.
"You are a coward," Omori went on. "That day, when you confronted me, you were supposed to die. You only continued on because you clung to the thought that, even if you lost your sister, even if you lost all your friends, you could at least count on Basil being there for you. But I'm sure Basil's getting tired of your lies. He doesn't even pretend to smile anymore—he must be getting really sick of being around you. Once Basil leaves, you'll be left all alone again."
"No, Basil won't leave me!"
"You think Basil truly forgives you for everything you've done? He doesn't. He's just hiding how angry he is at you. He's waiting for the right moment, the moment when he can tell you that he doesn't really love you anymore, that he's tired of you, that he's ready to leave you. He already tried once. Remember that?"
A burst of panic made Sunny's vision turn fuzzy.
Sunny's arm trembled. His fingers shook with doubt and fear.
The world became filled with red hands threatening to shove him down a flight of stairs into a bottomless abyss.
But with a deep, slow breath, Sunny steadied his shaking hands and forced his mind to remember everything that he'd learned over the past few months, everything from therapy and school and volunteering and from all his heart-to-heart moments with Basil. He knew he had the right answer to this. He knew he just had to face all his feelings, not hide from any of them.
"I love Basil."
With a shaking yet firm hand, Sunny grabbed onto a handhold and climbed out of the abyss.
He saw a shadow of a Stranger waiting for him at the top of the stairs, an arm outstretched to lift him out from his darkness.
"I've lost so much," Sunny admitted. "I lost my sister. I lost my friends. And it's all my fault. But I will not lose Basil."
Even if the whole world hated him, spat on him; even if his feelings burnt his flesh and froze his heart, he could always count on Basil to be there for him.
He could count on Basil to offer a pair of warm arms to return to.
The red hands in Sunny's vision vanished.
Reality steadily drifted back into view. Omori and the darkness faded away. Things solidified. His arm, his desk, his chair, his room...Basil.
Omori was nowhere in sight.
His rapidly beating heart calmed. Sunny opened both eyes, turning his head to gaze at the boy standing by his side.
"Sunny? Are you alright?" Basil asked.
"Oh...I'm fine," Sunny replied. "Thanks for worrying about me, Basil."
Basil passed the cup of water back to Sunny.
I'm so glad you're here for me.
Sunny took the glass and soothed his parched throat.
"Did something happen?" Basil asked.
"I panicked," Sunny replied after downing the whole glass. "I guess I was just thinking about all the mistakes I've made."
Basil placed a warm hand on Sunny's. His other hand gripped Sunny's shoulder and held him tightly.
When a soft smile came over Sunny's lips, Basil smiled back.
Sunny's felt a sweet and cozy feeling.
"You're a good person, Sunny," Basil spoke quietly.
"Thanks, but, it sure doesn't feel like it," Sunny replied with a grimace. "I feel like I took away your happiness."
Basil gently pat Sunny on his back. "You didn't take away anything. You...you are my happiness."
Sunny blushed, hearing those words.
Wow...I guess I've encouraged Basil to be totally cheesy with me, huh.
"Come on," Sunny said, almost shying away. "Maybe I make you happy sometimes, but I keep messing things up too. Things...could've gone a lot better."
Basil just laughed. "You're the only thing I care about."
Too cheesy...
"Sunny, we both made lots of mistakes," Basil said in a remarkably new and confident tone of voice. "We can't change them. We just have to learn from them."
This was a surprise. Usually Basil liked to take all the blame onto himself.
Sunny nodded his head. "Yeah. We'll do better in the future."
"I know we will, Sunny."
Basil leaned in and gave Sunny a quick kiss on the lips. It stirred an oh-so-sweet feeling.
"I'm going to bed soon," Basil said, a visible tiredness in his eyes from all that studying. "I'll take a shower first."
"Okay."
As Basil left the room, Sunny wondered how he deserved such a kind and sweet boyfriend. He began to feel all guilty again.
Adding to his guilt was all his unread textbooks, his pile of unfinished homework, and the certainty of a screaming mom in his face once she took a look at his upcoming report card.
I gotta study harder next semester!
He flipped open his algebra textbook and tried to force himself to understand graphs, trigonometric formulas, and that ever-so-pesky set of problems called "solving linear systems". He knew he could only understand them if he practiced more problems, but he honestly didn't want to pick up pencil and paper right now, or to work his brain at all, really.
All of a sudden, his phone rang.
Sunny raised both his eyes in alarm when he looked at the caller and saw that it came from Hero.
What...?
Instantly, Sunny's heart jumped into overdrive. His hands started sweating and his eyes darted around, wondering if Basil might come back.
The sound of water starting up inside the bathroom shower implied no.
With trembling hands, Sunny reached for his phone and answered the call. He gulped, swallowing the huge lump in his throat.
"Hello...?"
"Hey."
Hero's voice.
"Hi," Sunny said quietly.
"Sunny...I know we didn't exactly leave on good terms last time," Hero began. "I'm not really calling back to forgive you, either."
Sunny's heart sank.
Of course, it'd take a lot more than a simple call from Hero to receive forgiveness from his friends.
"I'm calling to tell you about something that just happened. And...as much as I hate to think so, I believe you still care about your sister, which is why I feel I have to let you know about this."
Sunny felt a strange anxiety.
What just happened?
"Okay," Sunny replied simply.
"You know our old hangout spot in the woods, right?" Hero began. "And you know how last time we went there, the place was full of construction signs and pylons?"
"Yeah...?"
"A construction company owns that land now. They're planning on clearing the woods to build a new mall. That means bulldozing the whole place down, and they're planning to drain the lake too."
"Okay?"
"Aubrey and her friends were hanging out at that place yesterday. You know that spot where we always had our picnics, the spot beside that tree?"
Oh, I remember...
Aubrey and Mari were always sitting with their backs against that tree, gazing at the flowers growing nearby, talking about their colors and meanings with Basil.
There were lots of rare flowers, like lilies of the valley.
"Yeah, I know," Sunny replied.
"Aubrey...Aubrey really didn't like it when the construction workers came to cut down that tree with chainsaws. When they came near, she actually attacked them. With her baseball bat."
What?!
"You can imagine what happened to her after that," Hero spoke.
"Is she okay?" Sunny asked worriedly.
"She's fine—just has a few cuts and bruises. But she's in jail right now."
Sunny felt the blood on his face grow cold.
"Aubrey hasn't been thinking right ever since you confessed the truth to her on Christmas," Hero went on. "I haven't been in town but Kel told me she's been acting all rash, going around with her gang breaking things and picking fights. So...forgive me if I sound a little harsh, but I kind of blame you for what happened. You and Basil."
Sunny's hand holding his phone shook.
I...I can't believe Aubrey's in jail.
"Sunny," Hero continued. "That spot where we used to have picnics. That one tree Mari loved, where those lilies of the valley used to grow. They're all about to disappear."
I can't let that happen.
"I'll...I'll find some way to protect that place," Sunny replied, even though he had no clue what he was going to do.
"Can you?" Hero asked.
"Maybe we can save some of the flower seeds that grow there?" Sunny suggested. "If I can dig them out and bring them over here, I might be able to recreate..."
"That's just wishful thinking," Hero replied. "If you want to do that, Sunny, you can go ahead. It won't be the same place. Nobody is going to be fooled."
"Can it help Aubrey in some way?"
"Sunny...I'm not sure anything you do will be able to make Aubrey feel better at this point. She gets out of jail in a month. You might want to not be in town when that happens."
Sunny gulped down another lump that had formed in his throat.
"Hero...I'm sorry," Sunny said. "I really am."
"I hope you are," Hero said. "But it's really hard for me to trust you or Basil to tell the truth."
"I know. Still, I'm sorry."
"You two are just..."
A note in Hero's voice faltered. Hero held back the sentence he was about to say.
After a pause, Hero sighed. "I guess...I guess I can tentatively offer you an olive branch. You do sound like you're telling the truth this time."
"Hero...do you mean it?"
"I haven't forgiven you yet, Sunny. I still don't know if I should let myself trust you again."
Sunny gripped the phone. "Hero, I promise you that we told you the full truth this time. You don't need to go through all that pain again. We won't even bring up that topic, unless you want to talk about...her. We want to move on from all that too."
A long silence.
"Okay, I hope so," Hero said at last. "I'll...give Basil a chance, too."
"Hero, thank you so much."
"Sorry for being abrupt, but actually, I have to get going now."
"Alright. See you later."
"Goodbye."
Sunny related that conversation to Basil as soon as he came back to the room.
***
Nothing like returning to school after Christmas holidays to make Sunny feel completely demotivated.
He sat at an empty table in the cafeteria, absentmindedly eating the fried fish with rice his mom had packed for him while trying to work through a couple of math problems. Instead of focusing on equations and graphs like he should, he kept thinking about Basil's response to the phone call with Hero. Sunny told him everything.
Basil was in the computer lab, looking up the name of the company that was planning to build a new mall over the woods of Faraway Park.
Sunny let out an audible sigh. He couldn't relieve the ache in his chest. He just wanted Basil to be happy, but happiness always found a way to escape Basil's reach.
Basil loved nature.
Sunny wanted to clasp hands with Basil and walk freely, wherever the road forward took them. They'd walk through autumn forests, where the lonesome wind would carry piles of swirling red leaves past their feet. They'd skate gently upon ice on the frozen winter lakes hidden deep within the quiet woods. They'd watch the flowering cherry and redbud trees blooming in spring, petals shining with water drops from a cool drizzle. Rays of soft sunlight would shine through the windows of their cottage house, awakening them to the dreamlike sight of a shelf full of potted sunflowers and white tulips.
And Basil would be smiling at him. Basil would always be wearing that pretty red flower in his hair, the lightest pink on his cheeks. Sunny would see that smile every day, living in their garden deep inside the woods. Their hearts would overflow with the warmest happiness.
If only it weren't just a daydream.
Sunny snapped out of his colorful fantasies when he saw Basil approaching him.
"Did you find them?" Sunny asked.
Basil nodded. "The company is Coup de Soleil Construction Inc."
I think I've heard of that company before. They're pretty big in the construction business.
Big polluters, too...
"I couldn't find any news published online about what happened to Aubrey," Basil said. "It just says they're planning to build a new mall in Faraway Town."
"Oh..." Sunny responded.
"Nothing about how much of the woods they've cleared, either," Basil went on. "Maybe there's still a chance we could go back there and save some of the flowers."
"I don't think they'd stop cutting trees just from Aubrey attacking them," Sunny said.
Basil's normally positive expression fell. "But, what if..."
Sunny opened his mouth to say something, but decided not to.
I don't want to keep feeling attached to the past.
That picnic spot where we all used to hang out was so special to us.
Still...my sister...she wouldn't want us to risk everything to go back there just to protect a tree and save some of the flowers growing near it.
He couldn't voice his thoughts.
Four years had passed. Sunny couldn't speak for what Mari truly wanted.
Neither could he claim that they were risking anything at all to go back to Faraway to save those flowers. They lacked any information to make a judgment. The company could have paused their clearing operations due to the incident with Aubrey. Or they could have already cut down everything.
Sunny had tried calling Kel to ask him if he could go check, but Kel didn't respond.
"...Nevermind," Basil spoke. He sat down by Sunny's side. "I don't think we'd be welcome back in Faraway, anyway."
Sunny gave Basil a gentle pat on his arm.
"It's okay, it's okay," Basil said, gazing at Sunny with a sad smile. "I guess I should try to stay positive."
"I'll try calling Kel again," Sunny said. "Maybe he could update us on things."
"I hope he'll still want to talk to us."
"Yea..."
All of a sudden, a redhaired girl approached their table. Basil's eyes lit up with recognition.
"Hey, Basil," she said.
"Marie," Basil responded. "How was Christmas?"
"Boring," she replied. "I really hate family dinners. The stuffed turkey my uncle makes is the only reason I even go to talk to my family. I don't really care about presents; Alice never gets anything, so she's always mad."
Alice?
"Haha," Basil said, a mischievous smile. "If you ask your family to get presents for Alice, they'd think you're trying to get yourself two presents for Christmas, wouldn't they?"
Marie laughed out loud. "Imagine if I asked them to buy presents for Alice's brother!"
Sunny blinked. He was hopelessly confused.
"So how was your Christmas?" Marie asked Basil.
Basil just smiled. "Christmas was...fine."
"Did you spend it with your boyfr—I mean, friend?" she asked, giving Sunny a quirky glance.
Basil blushed really red. "I...I did! And, ummm..."
He turned towards Sunny. "Wanna just...I don't...really mind..."
Sunny nodded. He faced Marie. "Basil and I are dating."
"I could tell that from a mile away," she replied in a nonchalant tone. "The two of you, studying together at the cafeteria and the library every day? The way your faces get really close, almost touching? The way you look at him, Basil. It couldn't be any more obvious."
Basil covered his face with his hands, flushing redder than ever. He muttered something like "this can't be happening...!" Sunny just grinned and laughed.
"Don't worry, I'm sure the whole school already suspects you two," she went on. "Everyone knows about the guy who pepper sprayed Wayne, protecting Basil at the Halloween Party last year."
Yeah, people have been giving me interesting looks whenever I pass by them in the hallway.
I feel like...they're kinda in awe of me?
Sunny turned his left eye away flippantly. "I'm sure they also heard about me getting all beaten up two weeks later."
"They don't care about that, they just think you're amazing for standing up to Wayne in front of the whole school," Marie said with a smile.
"Errhhh...haha...thanks."
Now Sunny was blushing too.
"Marie, how's your eye?" Basil asked, finally recovering his composure.
"It's healing," she said. "And you know what? I think I showed Bethany what's what. She left her friends' chat group. I think she must be dying of shame."
"Oh, uh, that's nice, I guess," Basil said, giving off his practiced smile. "Sure she's not going to come after you again?"
"She wouldn't dare," Marie said. "Not unless she wants to lose another tooth!"
Marie sure is confident.
She kind of reminds me of Aubrey.
"Just stay safe, okay?" Basil said.
Marie nodded. "I will. Anyway, I gotta go print an assignment. See you next class!"
"See you." Basil waved goodbye as she left the cafeteria.
Basil turned at Sunny with an embarrassed smile. "Yup, that's Marie. She didn't say it to you but she's sorry about that whole incident involving blackmail—"
"It's okay. I forgive her," Sunny said. "I don't even think it mattered. Those bullies probably would've come after me anyway."
Basil raised a hand behind his head and scratched his fluffy hair. "Guess you're kind of a hero at this school, huh, Sunny?"
Sunny rolled both his eyes, even though his blush deepened.
I'm not a hero at all.
I've hurt the people I care about so much. If anyone knew about what happened between me and my sister...
...I guess it still feels nice being considered a hero, even if it's a very distorted perception of me.
Hero.
I'm glad that Hero offered reconciliation, but there's still a lot more work I have to do.
Sunny returned Basil's gaze with a smile, and he saw such a bright, adoring light in Basil's eyes.
Maybe Basil's always looked up to me as his hero...
He embarrassed himself with that thought.
The bell rang for the end of lunch. Sunny waved goodbye to Basil, who had to hurry to reach his next class on time. He packed up his unfinished food, his thoughts filled with Basil, what to do to save their treasured hangout spot, and Basil.
That afternoon, he and Basil went to the library to meet with Mincy for their impromptu manga club.
"Hey, you two!" she called when they arrived. "Great news!"
"Is your grandma better now?" Basil asked.
"Yup, she's well enough to leave the hospital now," Mincy replied. "She already wants to get back to her garden and prepare for spring volunteering."
"She should get lots of rest first," Basil advised.
"That's what I told her, but you know her. She can't sit still at all when there's plants to water!"
That sounds kind of like Basil, too...
"Oh, and the mystery donor sent us another five thousand dollars!" Mincy went on. "Grandma says she's sure it's coming from friends from her old environmentalism group. They've been able to raise lots of funds lately from running climate protests all across the country. They must have each contributed a little to help grandma out after learning about her condition."
"Wow, that's so nice of them," Basil replied.
"Yeah, grandma's planning to write a letter to thank them!"
Basil blinked, then smiled.
The two of them sat down beside each other and took out their drawing journals. Basil had mostly been doodling plants in his journal instead of manga faces, but Sunny would rather see plants anyway. Basil drew the most beautiful tulips.
Sunny flipped to the latest page of his journal and began shading a portrait of Stranger, who had had a very unsubtle red flower added to his hair in the latest chapter of his story.
"So did you figure out how your story was going to end?" Mincy asked Sunny.
"I've got an outline," Sunny replied. "So Omori and Stranger go to fight the evil empress, right? But then it turns out, this was all part of her plan to unite Omori and Stranger together. With their powers combined, she can finally break the vessel which seals everybody's emotions. Then—"
Mincy gazed at the two of them with eyes full of astonishment.
"Erh, Mincy?" Sunny spoke. "Something wrong?"
"Are you..."
A deep red blush fell over Mincy's face.
"Are you two...holding hands under the table?"
It just hit Sunny that they were.
Their hands instantly separated.
Mincy's eyes practically glowed.
Seeing that look on Mincy's face, Sunny resigned himself to accepting the fact that he and Basil were just never going to be able to hide their relationship. He decided to confess the truth.
"Ummm, Mincy..." Basil spoke, his lips quivering.
"We're dating," Sunny broke the news.
They were not a quiet table at the library that day.