he kissed me.. and now my lips burn. he kissed me and all I felt was pain, guilt, sickness. all I felt was the urge to push him off me and shove him out of my house. he kissed me and. and I absolutely hated it.
I just feel.. dirty. I feel like I need to rot away right now. like I should cry over the disappointment that's rushing through me.
well.. before it's filled in your head that I'm some slut.. listen to the situation.
Ross.. like I mentioned before, the obsessed guy I mention before. well I told him I just wanted to be friends and let it be at that. I think he's a great guy.. just not the guy for me. I made it clear I didn't want more than a friendship with him.. I guess that message wasn't clear enough.
today, I worked at the vet. at the vet I'm just by myself doing basic chores and taking care of dogs. usually, I'd have my AirPods with me to listen to some music or listen to a movie to keep myself from going deaf listening to the dos bark until their throats gave out. I mentioned this to Ross.. and he insisted he brought me his AirPods. I refused. Telling him that was sweet of him but he didn't have to, I would be fine without I just wanted to complain. But.. he insisted again. And because he asked before I became concerned with how.. attached he can be to a girl he barely knows, or so I think.
he showed up at the vet and brought me the AirPods. Not knowing how to react I took them, thanked him, and proceeded to walk away but he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me in for a hug. Shocked, I hugged him back reluctantly. Then.. went back inside. I used the AirPods now because.. it was just so awkward. I played a country playlist.. a specific song that reminded me a little to much of someone I can't stop thinking about anyway came on and I began to tear up at work. so I ripped the AirPods out and dealt with the ringing sound of the dogs barking in my ears for 4 more hours.
Now.. I still have his AirPods. I told him after work I would drop them off at his house and run home because it's Goose's birthday today (my brother's dog) and I had to be at the party since my dogs were invited. well, that was a lie but later in the night they asked me to come over anyway so, I guess the universe was trying to help me out. But.. then he said he wouldn't be home the time I would be off work and that he'd just come over to get them. I said "okay", less gas I'm using.
Well, he came over. I thought he was just gonna take the AirPods and turn around. Nope. He took them, yes, and put them in to his pocket while he slipped off his shoes and proceeded to walk down to my bedroom downstairs. Not knowing how to react, I just followed after him.
He sat on my bed and I stood by my desk. He said "what're you doing? come sit over here." and I just said that I've been sitting around since I got home from work so I wanted to stand up for a bit. I guess he bought that? eventually we just began to talk about our days. he stayed for a while. I even said to him that it was getting late around 11 and he should go. he said it was fine. then it was 12:30 and I asked him if he needed to get home because of curfew, and he replied "well would it be okay if I just stayed the night?"
my heart picked up so fast. immediately I made a face and he was like "oh.. what? is that not okay?" and I just said neither I or my parents would be okay with it. He understood but stayed sitting on my bed anyway. he kept finding gestures to try to touch me when I sat on the bed. I guess it wasn't until then where I realized I should've changed before he came. I was in loose pajama shorts and a sweatshirt with no bra underneath. not to sound.. gross but, I don't think that was a very uninviting outfit for him seeing as he kept putting his hands on my bare legs. I'd shoo him away telling him I didn't want that. so he went to my shoulders or back and I would just pull away.
I'm obviously uncomfortable. I've tried kicking him out multiple times and he's not budging. finally it's 1am, I'm yawning a lot to show I'm tired and tell him he has to go because I have to be up early ( I don't). he gathers his things, but turns to me to ask "do you want my hoodie?"
i.. haven't worn a boys hoodie since.. noah's. I haven't received a hoodie since Noah's.. I cried when noah gave me his because of how innocent it was of him. how precious.
right then I was chocking on air because I had my mouth wide open and had no idea what to say. no, I want say no. but all that came out was "what..?" he explained he wanted me to wear it. he then was only left with a wife beater tank top and flannel and I then rushed to say "no no, I can't take this, it's freezing outside! please.. please take it back." and he kept pushing it back onto me, I was even becoming frustrated with him for not just seeing I clearly didn't want it. then I said "please, I'm not ready for this." and he said "no, it's okay. it's no big deal. friends." and began walking away upstairs, waiting for me to walk him out.
I sat the hoodie down on the edge of my bed and walked him out. he went in for a hug and I was sure to give it to him shortly while I opened the door to force him out. he kept his arms tight around me, even when I pulled away. he shifted to the kiss position, I tried to look down to avoid it while I continued to pull away. he kissed my forehead, I continued to pull away. he edged his lips down to mine, I pulled away. he pressed his lips into mine.. I pulled away.
"goodbye." I said, and ushered him out though I was freezing from the cold air rushes against my open skin. quickly shut the door and locked it. I don't like saying goodbye to anyone, I've always hated it because it meant forever. but to him.. I said it confidently and stern.
I froze at the door, putting my hand to my lips which began to burn. maybe it was just the mindset I was in, but that's just how I knew it wasn't okay. I walked the rest of the way downstairs upset and my hands gripping my hair by my temples. I was so.. angry. I felt so violated, my boundaries crossed, and he just neglected everything I told him on how I felt about not pushing me like this..
like.. what the fuck..
why did he try so damn hard to defy me? even when I was showing that I felt physically repulsed by him forcing himself on me. I'm afraid of what might've happened if I wasn't so stern about him leaving.. what would he have pulled.. if he couldn't respect my wishes on being just friends.. what makes me feel like he'd respect my body.. me telling him no as his hands roamed my body and he says soothing "it's no big deal. just friends." while my breathing picks up in speed and im visibly afraid.. but that only turns him on as he forces me onto the bed with my wrists pinned up next to my face and he smiles at me all.. seductively but I find it terrifying that I feel so fucking helpless..
as I walked into my room, I took the hoodie off my bed and threw it against the wall, letting it crash onto the floor. I picked up my laptop from my desk and immediately wrote these things down..
I don't know who to talk about this with.. I know I could come to alissa just fine and she would never judge me or make me feel like some whore.. because that wasn't it.. that wasn't it at all. I tried I tried to tell him he wasn't listening he just was doing what he wanted and didn't care what I was saying and I was so scared because he's so tall and so much bigger than me and when he would tower next to me it made me feel like I wouldn't be able to fight him off of me if I tried.. and I tried..
I hate the way I feel right now. I didn't ask for this, I didn't lead him on. I didn't do anything.. why why does this stuff happen?
I can't.. I can't let this be how I feel about love and relationships..
I need something real again.. I need a prince to save me from this bad cycle of guys who don't care enough about me except to squeeze my ass or kiss me until I can't fight back anymore.
I want it over, I want to be with someone who scares off all of the guys who come my way with bad intentions. I want a protector. I want to be loved right..
i.. i want to be saved.
save me.. please.
I want to be a girlfriend. I want to be a good girlfriend who treats her boyfriend good and does it right this time. doesn't get into dumb fights or cries over the little things or gets in the way of my boyfriend's family. I know what I want.. and I know it's to be better than this, be better for someone who truly deserves to be loved the way I love. to have that passion and connection and spark in a real, committed relationship that wasn't just about sex (though that's a perk), not just about having someone. but to be in love with someone I can put my full trust in, someone how knows me and the way I function. who knows my boundaries, who respects my body and treats it like a gift not a toy. I just.. I know I have what it takes to make some guy the happiest he's ever been.. if he'll just let me.. if he'll take me and see my improvement.. see how I've grown into such a woman over this year.. maybe.. I'd be something he couldn't turn down.. something he'd need back in his life.. taking me back.
help me out of this.. pull me from it please. be my savior, be my hero. be my guy..
bring me home.. to where I'm safe in your arms.
to where I'm saved, and can happily be in love again..
please.. save me..
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