Z (7:37 am) - We need to talk about everything that happened last night. I don't want to leave things on bad terms.
Z (8:15 am) - Ollie, please. I know you said you needed space, but I have to see you.
Z (8:43 am) - Can I take you to the New Years' party?
I stare at his text message, unsure of what even to answer. So much for space. The damn chime is what woke me up first thing this morning. I've been staring at my phone for ten minutes, trying to figure out how to reply.
Do I want to go with Zane? Fuck yes.
Last night has my head so jumbled, though. I know I should be logical about this. Zane either has really bad fucking timing, or he's just competing with Creed again. I want to believe him, but it's not like he's shown a lot of interest before. Glimpses here and there, sure, but not like this.
Frustrated, I toss my phone down on my mattress and scoot to the foot of my bed. The house feels empty since Tamarah and dad are on the outs. The holidays took a huge toll on their relationship, and Tee's been staying at her parents' house ever since. Dad was looking forward to introducing her to Uncle Colt and Honey Grams. So when she didn't go to appease her family, it hurt.
I want to say it's been nice to have dad all to myself again selfishly, but honestly, I miss Tee. I know I didn't see her as a mother, but we were starting to feel sort of like a family.
It's been even harder on dad. He isn't exactly someone that's been lucky in love, or maybe he self sabotages. He doesn't keep serious relationships. Tee's been the first one since my mom died.
I pad down the hall and find dad sitting on the couch looking at his phone while he drinks his morning protein shake. His hair is still slightly damp from a shower, and his black tee clings to his still slightly moist skin. He skipped shaving this morning. A rough five-o'clock shadow gives him a rugged look, but I know he's lost the drive to care. His face was often shaggy before he started dating Tamarah. My heart hurts for Daddy.
When I plop down next to him on the beaten sofa and lean into him, he wraps an arm around me and places a comforting hand on top of my head.
"Morning, baby." He doesn't pry his eyes from the screen, and from the flashes of pictures and massive amounts of text, I realize he's running through sports stats.
"Morning."
Dad drops his phone into his lap and rubs the sleep from his eyes before focusing on me. "What are you doing up so early? I thought winter break was for sleeping in until noon and whatever else the hell you do on winter break."
"Couldn't sleep." It's hard to sleep through your phone, chiming away about every half hour. I nuzzle in closer like I used to when I was little. Dad felt like a protective giant then. Now that I'm grown, the giant has gone, but his protective touch is still there. "Dad?" I tilt my head up to look at him. "What was it about my mom that made you realize she was the one?"
I never ask about my mom. I've never really been too curious about her. She died when I was really little, and I don't remember her. The question takes my dad off guard as well. He goes perfectly still before his head slowly turns and looks at me.
"Why are you asking?" A deep crease forms on his forehead.
I shrug and pull away slightly. "Just curious. I know she died in a train wreck. I remember Honey Grams saying so once."
Dad slowly raises a brow. "Your mom didn't die in a train wreck."
My brows furrow in confusion as I try to recall when I overheard Honey Gram talking about my mom. Since she was never brought up, the mention of her caught my attention. I was small, maybe eight, sitting on Uncle Colt's floor playing while Honey Grams, Uncle Colt, and Dad talked. I'm almost certain that she said mom was in a train wreck.
"Well, then, how did she die?"
Dad leans forward and rubs his hands across his face as a heavy sigh groans out from his lips. An uneasy feeling settles in my stomach, making me feel like maybe it's a question I don't want the answers to.
His cool blue eyes turn to me, and I find myself holding my breath, waiting for the shoe to drop. "Your momma was a different kind of person, baby. She was one of those types of people that lived life to its fullest. But because of that, she had a lot of problems."
"What type of problem?" My brows knit closer together.
"Drug problems, baby." Dad turns to face me better. "When I found out your momma was pregnant with you I was able to convince her to sober up, but it only lasted until she had you. Unfortunately, one night I came home from working at the bar to find you still asleep in your crib, and your momma in our bed. She had overdosed. I have a feeling you heard Grams say your momma was a train wreck."
I'm stunned, trying to process everything dad has told me. I never felt lacking growing up. Dad's been there for me every time I need him. He was the one that bought cookies for the bake sale and tossed them on a paper plate to look like they were homemade. He'd show up for the classroom Halloween and Christmas parties to help, even though the homeroom mom's flirting with him made him uncomfortable. He filled the mom and dad role perfectly, and I never needed more, but the information still hurts. I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe I hurt for dad and partially for myself. For the fact that we weren't good enough for her to stop.
"I cared for your momma, baby, but she wasn't 'the one.' I only stuck around because I was afraid of losing you." Dad reaches up, and lightly pulls on one of my curls, stretching it out before letting it go and spring back into place.
"Is Tamarah the one then?" I want answers, and this isn't it. This is far from the advice I was hoping for.
When my dad shrugs his shoulders, my stomach drops. "I don't know, baby. I love Tamarah, but I don't think there is such thing as true love, or soulmates, or any of that marshmallow Valentine crap."
I roll my eyes at the typical guy's answer.
"Why are you asking anyway?" His brows pinch together.
I shrug, not wanting to get into my troubles with Zane and Creed, but also because I'm worried about him. "Just worried, I guess." I pull my legs up and hug them to my chest. "Are you and Tamarah gonna be okay?"
His face shifts into a look I can't quite read as his focus becomes distant. "I don't know, baby."
His uncertainty only makes me more uneasy. I know he was reluctant about having her move in. He didn't want me getting attached to her and it falling through.
I nod and lean into him. "We'll be alright, Dad."
Dad leans his head over and rests against mine. I can feel his cheek pooch in a smile. "Damn right, kiddo. As long as I got you, I'll be just fine." He turns and plants a kiss on the top of my head. "I gotta get ready for work." With that, he pushes up off the couch. And sucks down the last of his smoothy.
I jump up from the couch and head into our small kitchen while Dad goes into the bathroom to finish getting ready. Tamarah had gotten into the habit of fixing Dad's lunches for him. I know it's not the same coming from me, but after she left, I picked it up in hopes it'd be one less thing he missed about her.
I get a ham on rye, a bag of chips, and an apple put into a lunch bag for him; I set it on the edge of the counter and head to my room.
It's far too early to get ready to go over to Creed's, and though I'm looking forward to seeing Creed, I feel guilty about going over. Like I'm betraying Zane, even if we aren't dating. Maybe it's the fact that part of me regrets turning him down yesterday. I'm starting to second guess myself on whether I made the right choice or not.
I pick my phone up from where I had dumped it earlier and see a few more messages from Zane, mainly just him, to start small talk. I ignore them cause though I love him. I need a few days to think.
Instead, I pull up Creed's number and sit back on my heels in the middle of my bed.
"Hey, baby." His smooth voice slides through the phone and pours through me like a shot of good brandy. It warms me from my head to my toes and makes me lose a little focus.
"Hey." I quickly get my mind set back on my goal. "I was calling to tell you that something came up. I won't be able to make it today. Please tell your mom I'm sorry."
There's a bit of a pause. Did he hang up? Just as I'm about to check, his deep voice drums in my ear. "Please tell me it's not because that dumb fucker has gotten in your head."
I can feel the butterflies take off in the pit of my stomach. Zane's been in my head since we were kids. I've been in love with him forever. It's getting him out of my head that I struggle with. "It's not that, Creed."
"Yeah, sure it isn't. Everything was fine then you saw him yesterday, and now something's come up." A rush of guilt runs through me when I hear the anger and disappointment in his voice.
I feel bad for going, but now worse for canceling. I feel like this is fair, though. I haven't been leading Creed on. We've hung out here and there, and from the very start, I made it clear I'm not ready to jump into a relationship with him. He even agreed it was terrible timing and knows I'm head over heels in love with Zane, which is probably why it makes this so much worse. He knew I'd cancel because of Zane.
"It's fine, baby. I fucked up with dating Becca. I knew there wasn't a chance in hell with you. I just hope he makes you happy."
Before I can even get a chance to think of what to say, the line goes dead. I drop the phone into my lap and see all the unread texts from Zane. The irony is too great and pulls a hollow chuckle from me. A few months ago, I would have paid anything for one of them to want me, but not like this. I don't like them fighting over me. No matter what choice I make, I'm going to be breaking one of their hearts.
Though I care for Creed, my heart only wants one. The same boy I've wanted since we were little. I've wanted this for so long, and regret slowly pulls at my heart. I shouldn't have said no last night. I should have grabbed a hand full of hoodie and kissed him completely breathless like I wanted to.
I stare down at Zane's text, the one asking if he can take me to the Pirates' New Year's Eve party. My fingers itch to reply yes, but Zane's previous texts are right. We need to talk, and we will. As soon as I get my head sorted out first and think about what I need to say. Until then, Zane is just going to have to wait like I asked him to.
Sorry, this chapter took so long. To be honest, I really struggled with this one. I'm still not sure about it. (It might get lost in the re-write)
If you liked it, for sure let me know cause seriously thinking it might go bye-bye.
Till next time.