Warning: Heavy drug use
I left Blue's quickly the other morning. Even tho Blue never judges me and has seen me have an anxiety attack before; I was too embarrassed to face him. He tried calling and texting me a few times, but I decided to give it a couple of days and self-sabotage myself instead.
I found myself hanging out with Baxter once again. After everything that happened the past few days, I just needed some relief, and Baxter would give me just that. I was high out of my mind lying on the couch in my apartment. Baxter sat on the floor hanging over the table, cutting up lines up Adderall to snort for himself. My eyes were heavy and limp from the different pills Baxter was feeding me. The things Savannah said about me ran through my head nonstop.
"You good?" Baxter asked after snoring a line.
"Yeah," I mumble.
This time hanging out with Baxter was different, we weren't all lovey-dovey like the last, and frankly, I didn't want him to touch me at all. Baxter knows my intentions whenever I call; I don't bullshit. If I want sex and drugs, that's exactly what I get; if I only want drugs, he won't think twice about touching me.
"You want more?" Baxter asked, interrupting my thoughts.
I extended my hand towards him, indicating yes. Baxter placed more pills in my hand and returned to his own doing.
"What have you been giving me anyway?" I ask weakly.
"Oxycotin and Xanax. It makes for a nice pill cocktail."
I fiddle with the pills in my palm. I stared at them, knowing I didn't need anymore. I wished so badly that I was lying here being comforted by Blue. I wished that I could tell Blue how I really felt so he could lift me off my feet to a better life of safety and love. I knew better than to bring Blue into my fucked up life. Things between us would never work, so there was no point in ever getting vulnerable with him.
"You know, Frankie, since you love those pills so much, I have something I think you'd like better. It's cheaper and stronger." Baxter shuffled around in his bag.
I turned my head towards him and waited for him to continue.
Baxter smiled and pulled multiple things out of his bag. "Here." Baxter walked towards me and grabbed my arm to yank me up.
Baxter propped me on the couch to get a better view; my head was so fuzzy I could barely keep it up. In front of me, Baxter laid out a needle, a spoon, a wrapped baggie with brownish dust, a lighter, and what looked like a tourniquet.
"You've never tried this, huh?" Baxter said, looking at me devilishly.
"Is that- heroin?" I manage to get the words out.
"Yeah yeah, it's nothing, seriously you'll love it."
"I don't know about all that, Baxter."
"What, why?"
"I've never done something THAT heavy," I emphasized the heavy.
"It's the same as taking Oxy; it's just cheaper and a way better high," Baxter said, unwrapping the bag.
"I don't think I should do that; I don't want to get addicted." I sit up and push my hair out of my face.
"You really think you aren't addicted now?" Baxter laughs. "Frankie, you're a drug addict; everyone knows it."
"That's not true." I shoot Baxter a look.
"You can't drink without coke, you can't be sad, angry, happy, confused, yadda yadda yadda, without taking a Xanax or Oxy, but you have no issue? Give me a break. You hit me up every time you need a high, surprised you lasted that long without me." Baxter pushed back into the couch, crossing his arms.
"I was doing fine without all your shit." I blurt out.
"Don't give me that crap; I don't force you to take any of this." Baxter laughed again. "You take it because you need it; you REFUSE to feel any real emotions you always have, and you always always ALWAYS will."
"You don't think I could stop this shit?" I yell, standing up.
Baxter shook his head. "No, you can't."
"I could; I can if I wanted to."
"Okay then, give me back the pills I just gave you." Baxter sat up, holding his hand out in front of me.
I looked down at him; Baxter gave me a smirk that I wanted to smack off his face. I hesitated, holding the pills in my hand still.
"That's exactly what I thought, Frankie." Baxter closed his hand and leaned back into the couch again. "Wipe the coke off your nose, doll; you're embarrassing yourself."
I quickly wipe my nose with the back of my hand and sit down. I stare at the drugs on the table in front of me. I shook my head slightly, staring at the needle.
Why are you even debating trying this? Are you insane?
"Fine," I say.
"Hmm?" Baxter sits up, looking intrigued.
"Help me do it." I pull the table towards me.
Baxter nods and ties the tourniquet above my elbow. He grabs his water bottle on the table, opens it, and sticks the needle inside, sucking up water slowly. Baxter unties the bag and shakes some of it onto the spoon. "You don't need a lot." He dribbles some water onto the powder and uses the needle to mix it up. Baxter looks at my arm and taps my veins. He turns his attention to the spoon and begins to heat the bottom. He waits and then slowly uses the needle to suck up liquid. "Give me your arm." Baxter puts his hand out in front of me.
I move closer to Baxter and put the back of my hand on his palm. Baxter smacks the needle with his finger and looks at it for a second. "Okay." He pushes a tiny bit of liquid out. "Ready?"
I nod.
Baxter pushes the needle into a blue vein protruding from my arm. I wince at the stinging but take a deep breath. Baxter then pushes the end of the syringe, slowly letting the liquid inside enter my veins.
I instantly feel warmth come over my body. All the anxiety and endless thoughts leave my mind. My brain was completely empty of everything. I throw my head back slowly; my whole body feels fuzzy and light. I felt like I had no care in the world.
I could feel Baxter untie the tourniquet; he threw it on the table along with the syringe.
"You enjoy that." Baxter chuckles.
My back hits the couch as I slowly sink in. I felt content for once in my life; instant gratification was something I'd never sensed before. I closed my eyes and let myself feel at ease for once in my life. I took a deep inhale in then exhaled slowly.
_____
"I'm coming; I'm coming." I moan as I walk towards my front door.
My head was pounding the last couple of days; all I've been doing is staying in bed to sleep. My apartment was completely dark from all the blackout curtains. I wasn't even sure what day or time it was. I unlock the door and swing it open.
"What the fuck"
"What?" I ask, rubbing my eye.
"I've been trying to get in touch with you for DAYS."
"Yeah." I turn around, walking back to my room, leaving the door open behind me.
"Frankie!" Blue called behind me, shutting the door.
"What, Blue?!" I hiss.
"What's been going on?" Blue's tone turned soothing.
"Ugh, Nothing Blue." I groan.
"Why haven't you answered my calls? Did I do something?"
"No."
"Well then, what?" Blue walks towards me and grabs my shoulders to turn me around.
"I needed some space from everyone." I cross my arms.
Blue still has his hands on my shoulders; he shakes me back and forth lightly. "You sure I didn't do anything?"
"No, Blue." I groan again.
Blue removes his hands from my shoulders and directs his eyes to my arm. "What is that...?"
I look down at my arm where Baxter poked me. The area was red and blue, and a tad swelled. "I had my blood drawn." I looked back at Blue and shrugged. "What do you think it is?"
"Uh-"
"What the fuck? You think I'd do that shit?"
"Hey, I'm not accusing you; I just asked!" Blue jumped back.
"I would never do heroin; you're crazy to think I would." I snap
"Frankie, I was just asking!" Blue raised his hands in defense.
"Does everyone just think I'm some drug addict?" I ask, trying to see if Baxter was telling the truth.
"No, no," Blue motioned for me to calm down.
I rolled my eyes and recrossed my arms. "What do you want, Blue?" I was eager to deflect the conversation away from my arm.
"I wanted to see if you were okay after what happened a couple of nights ago."
"I'm just dandy; I'm so glad my friend for almost eight years backstabbed me." I kicked the kitchen chair out so I could sit down.
"I'm sorry again."
Jeeze, stop being such an asshole to Blue.
Blue wrapped his arms around my neck and rested his chin on my head.
"Have you heard from her?"
Blue shakes his head slowly. "No, I won't answer her calls, you?"
"No." I scoff.
"How about we open some curtains in here?" Blue chuckles and walks over to the windows. Blue pushes some curtains open, letting a little bit of sun peak in.
"What have you been up to?" I ask while I dig at my fingernails.
"Uh, writing a lot, and uh- I went out on a date." Blue sat down next to me.
My head shot up to Blue; he was avoiding my gaze.
"With who?"
"You're going to laugh." Blue ground his teeth.
My leg begins to shake against the kitchen island
A DATE?!
"No, I'm not, tell me," I chirp, trying to play it cool.
"Uh-" Blue Laughs, "Dani."