Chapter 16: More than One Truth Split
Gailien sits with her legs crossed underneath her against the log, fiddling with her fingers. The boys had given her the night to recover but now it is morning and they declared that they would not travel any further until she lets them know what is happening.
"I didn't push you to tell me anything," she argues pathetically, referencing Kili's own troubles.
"I also didn't nearly drown myself," he shoots back. He holds his face like a stone, making her feel all that worse. "Mine was just something that I needed to get over. Whatever is going on with you, we need to know."
"He's right," Fili adds, albeit in a softer tone. "But I don't understand, I thought Elves didn't get sick."
"They can," she answers slowly. "But not in the literal sense."
"Literal sense?" Kili repeats, tipping his head to the side, almost exasperatedly. "Is it something to do with your visions or the nightmares again?" Gailien shakes her head, pouting her bottom lip as she stares at the ground between her legs. Kili holds himself from snapping at her. "We can't help you if you don't tell us."
"You can't help me even if I do," she retorts without missing a beat. "What's happening...it's natural. I can't stop it." She bows her head in shame, turning it to face the water.
"Maybe Oin could help," Kili suggests.
"Or even someone in Mirkwood," Fili adds, nodding at the ideas. The tears build in her eyes, stinging painfully. "We can take some time off travelling when we reach Beorn's. Build your energy back up. Have some honey-cakes."
"It's not coming back!" she finally cries. The brothers' mouth snap shut. "I'm fading. Dying. Whatever you want to call it. I'm a Half-Elf who's chosen a mortal life that is coming to an end. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to make it to Erebor at this point!" Gailien sends herself into a hysteric, throwing her hands in the air, shaking slightly. "If I knew I only had this long, I would have never left Erebor. I don't know what to do, because there is nothing to be done. I could have days, I could have weeks. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you both taking unnecessary risks just to reach Erebor faster."
Fili curses to himself, resting his face in his palms but Kili sits there numbly, not even looking at her. "Mahal," the blonde whispers. "This... I'm so sorry, lass." Gailien lets the tears finally fall, dropping her head into her hands. Fili saunters over, enveloping her in a tight embrace. Gailien falls into his chest and he looks back over at his brother who still hasn't reacted. "We're going to get you home. I know you can do it. I'll carry you on my back if I have to."
The youngest finally reacts, pushing to his feet. Gailien winces as he kicks something which flies well away from their camp. His heavy boots thud against the ground, passing the pair until even her ears cannot hear him anymore. Gailien sniffs, pulling away. "Should you or I go after him?" She wipes her face, composing herself.
"I think this one falls to you," Fili says, patting her knee. Nodding, Gailien brushes her hands, taking a few more steady breathes then pushes to her feet. "I'll...I'll get camp ready to go."
Gailien turns on her heels, slowly walking in the direction she heard his feet going. Her arms settle over her chest softly, toes kicking small rocks out of the way. The land is a mix of grass and stone, a few large boulders mixing in with a few trees.
It takes a while, but eventually, she finds him sitting up against the trunk of a tree, fiddling with his fingers. Quietly, she continues walking towards him. The only sign of acknowledgement is a slight turn of his head towards her. She settles down next to him, looping her arms around his knee.
"I don't know what to do," he says after a minute of silence. His head turns to her, wide-eyed and searching. "I don't want you to..." He bares his teeth, his eyes screwing shut as he drops his head between his knees.
Gailien gently pulls his head back up, guiding his eyes towards hers. "I need you to stay with me. Help me get to Erebor. That is more than enough." She guides her hands around his neck, resting on her knees and pulls him tightly to her. He forms fists around her shirt, pulling her into his lap. She leans back, cupping his cheeks. Kili breathes unevenly, clenching his jaw.
"I can do that," he whispers. Gailien smiles softly, brushing his fringe back. Tears pool in his eyes but he doesn't let them fall.
"I owe you everything, you know that? This isn't anything anyone can control, and I am scared. Terrified if I'm honest but I'm glad I'm out here with the both of you. I want to reach Erebor more than anything, but if I can't then I want you with me. You and Fili. And I know that's a horrible thing to ask, but I can't do this without you."
His hands move to the back of her head, threading through her hair and gently pulls her face closer. Her eyes close as he rests his forehead against hers. "It hurts," he grunts. Gailien lifts her head back up but his eyes stay closed.
"What hurts?" Blindly, he searches for her hand and pulls her palm to his chest. "I had no idea you cared so much."
"That's a lie and you know it," he chokes out, braving a small smile at the inside joke. "I love you."
Gailien moves her hands back up around his shoulders, resting her chin on the side of his neck. "I love you too, Polodren er." His hands snake around her back with the clear intention of not letting go anytime soon. A smile grows on her lips. "You're tickling me," she whispers. She pulls her shoulder to her neck where his beard tickles her. Kili laughs, moving his jaw over her neck and she twitches, muscles jolting out of her control. "Stop," she whinges. "I'll cut it off while you sleep."
Kili finally pulls back with wide eye. "You wouldn't dare," he hisses.
"Don't test me." She grabs his chin, moving his head from side to side, pretending to examine his beard. "You could use a little trim here, oh, and here." Kili gives her another glare, not playing with her teasing. "You're no fun," she pouts. "But, I could put miniature braids in it. It would look spikey." She pinches a small section, pulling it out slightly to its full length. She flicks her eyes back to Kili who is watching her with a flat face. "It could be a new style."
"You're lucky I'm even letting you touch it," he mutters, leaning back against the trunk of the tree to watch her take interest in his hair. "Only took me nearly sixty years. I would love to see you touch Dwalin's. You'd lose a hand or at least a finger. I think even Fili would smack your hand."
"I reckon you'll have one that would make Dwalin envious soon," she muses, now mindlessly fiddling with the hair. "And I'm honoured. But I'm serious. I really want to put short spikes in it." Kili struggles to not smile, turning his gaze to the side.
"Only if Fili's asleep," he mutters, giving in. Gailien cheers to herself, leaning back against his bent knees. Kili reaches forward, running his fingers through her short hair. "Why did you cut it?"
"You're going to laugh," she mumbles, already blushing.
"I'm not going to laugh at you," he assures, leaning closer. Gailien gives him a blank stare.
"It got caught on fire," she mutters, half hoping that he won't hear her. "I slept to close to the firepit." She watches as Kili's facial muscles begin twitching, the corner of his mouth tweaking up but to his credit, he seems to try hard not to. "I told you," she whinges. Kili breaks, his head hitting the tree trunk as he flings it back, filling the air with laughter. "It was cold," she defends. "I had to cut it after that."
"Still beautiful," he teases. Gailien smiles, rolling her eyes but it drops. She reaches up, her fingers drifting over the large scar that takes up most of her face now. "No," he says, pulling her hand away. "I know what you're thinking."
"Didn't know you were a mind-reader," she grumbles, jutting her chin out slightly.
"Don't need to be," he counters. "You're an open book to me. So, stop chewing your cheek as well." He pokes said place, making her teeth let go.
"Only if you stop biting your finger." She holds up his right pointer finger, emphasising the teeth marks in the skin from constant biting. "It's such an odd habit."
He opens his mouth as if to retort, but his expression changes. "You're good at this, you know?"
"Good at what?"
"Distracting," he says. "Getting people's minds off things. Fili does the opposite, he likes to talk everything through, but you don't."
"Do you want to talk through it more?" Her stomach turns at the idea but if he needs it, she can put up with it.
"No more bathing alone, at least in deep water. Or hunting. If you get tired, you need to tell us. Is there anything else we should know?"
"Alright," she agrees, knowing well in her heart that he is right. "And I don't think so. It isn't barbaric or anything. I'm just... going to slowly lose my energy until I don't have anything left. Painless really."
Kili bows his head again, brows scrunching together. He pinches his nose between his eyes as Gailien rubs his forearm. It soon becomes obvious to her that he is barely composing himself as he hides his face behind his hands. His sobs soon fill the silent air around them and Gailien is at lost for words that would do anything to comfort them both. "It hurts so much," he grunts out. "I already watched you nearly die once. I can't....I can't do it again."
"Death is a part of life, Kee," she consoles as best she can, trying to pull his hands away from his face. "You have your mother, Thorin. Fili. Whatever woman you decide to marry. You're not going to be alone, not ever. I've lived my life on Arda, I'm older than any Dwarf alive."
"I don't want to marry anymore."
"Okay," she agrees softly. "What about those two children you wanted. Who look just like their mother?" Kili shakes his head so she doesn't press it. "I'm sure you'll be a fantastic uncle if Fili has heirs."
"I would be, wouldn't I?" he murmurs, another smile peeking on his lips.
"The best. And Kee?"
"Yeah?"
"I know I said I wouldn't press you for anything but something has been bothering you for a while now, and I have a feeling it has something to do with a woman." Kili's eyes stay well away from meeting hers and she knows she has struck a chord. "I know you don't want me to know, so I won't ask you who, or what happened. But I will listen to anything you have to say. Anything you tell me won't be repeated from my lips."
Kili nods silently. Gailien sucks her cheeks but lets the topic drop. She's beginning to think he has lied about Tauriel. Maybe for her sake so she doesn't feel as guilty or perhaps he is denying it all together for his own sanity.
"Come on," she says, sliding back to the ground. "Fili's probably wondering if we're lost."
Xx
The three walk at a painfully slow pace over the rocky terrain. Every step is a risk – the rock could be more slippery then it looks, it could move under their weight. Gailien's palms are littered with small cuts from hanging onto the edges, sacrificing them to guarantee not falling down all the way. Thankfully it hadn't rained in a while, or it would be nearly impossible to walk over the never-ending field. She begins to think that the extra two weeks might have worth going around it.
The sun beats unforgivingly on their backs, not helping her already drained energy. Every step feels like lifting a boot full of lead but there is no other choice in her mind but to keep going. Thorin. She wants Thorin.
The chant plays over her mind, a constant, and welcome reminder of her one goal left in life.
"Argh!"
Fili slips, his booth sliding over the edge of a rock. Gailien and Kili climb over to him as fast as they can. He's forced to a sitting position, gripping his thigh and Gailien leans over to inspect his foot. She curses in Elvish. It is trapped between two rocks, pressing roughly against his leg. No doubt his skin has been scrapped at the minimum.
"Can you pull it out?" Kili questions, leaning over as well. Fili shakes his head, clenching his teeth. Gailien rubs his back.
"It's fine," she tells him. "We can get you out." She climbs down into the spot the gap between the two rocks widen, but it encloses his foot almost completely before it does. She can see the bottom of his leg though. Blood drips down onto his boot. "We're going to have to move the rock."
Kili looks to the two rocks with doubt. They are large, way too heavy to lift with pure strength alone but they have to find a way. "Is there anything we can use as leverage?"
"Not unless you travel back another league to the trees. We just need to widen the gap." Gailien takes off her pack, moving back up to the top of the rock.
"It's cutting into me," Fili cries. Gailien grabs his hand, holding it tight.
"Just breathe," she orders. "Keep calm. You're going to be fine." She lets go of his hand, sliding down the rock further until the bottom of her back presses up against it and she rests her feet on the opposite rock. Kili joins on the other side of his brother.
Kili counts down and they begin pushing through their legs with every ounce of strength they can find. Her teeth grind together, even sweat pooling on her neck as she grunts out the pain. She pushes until her knees feel like fire but eventually both her and Kili give up for the moment.
She can't even bring herself to remove her feet, letting her knees flop to the side. Her lungs take deep, shuddered breathes as light-headedness consumes her. Her legs don't even feel like they belong to her anymore, just extra weight attached to her.
"Again," she orders, hearing the blonde's pained cries continue.
"I don't think-" Kili begins, looking hopelessly at the rock. "Maybe I should go back and get something to lift it."
"We try again," Gailien states firmly. "I'm not letting him sit here in pain unless it's our only choice."
Kili reluctantly moves back into position, placing his feet against the rock. He looks at his brother who is bracing himself then past him to Gailien who is taking long draws of air, eyes closed. He counts down again, gripping the edge of the rock under his fingers and they begin to push again.
Gailien can't stop the grunts escaping out of her throat but her determination is strong. Blackness creeps around the edges of her vision, every ounce of blood in her body rushing to her legs. In a miraculous moment, the outer stone shifts slightly which allows Fili to pull his foot back out. He falls to his back, grasping his thigh to not touch it. Deep scrapes cut up his leg, soaking the pants.
Gailien cries in relief, letting her legs drop again. Kili races to their medical supply, pulling out bandages and one of their water carriers. He begins tending to Fili's leg but glances over to Gailien who lies on the rock still. "You alright Gailien?" It's barely there, but she nods. Only able to help one person at a time, he finishes tending to his brother then kneels by her. "Come on," he guides. "We need to keep going." She mumbles a reply, but it's too incoherent for him to understand. He looks back to his brother.
"I can walk," Fili assures, even standing to prove it. "Split her pack. We can't waste time."