HAUNT YOU [JENLISA - CHAELISA - BLACKPINK] Truth Revealed - Yari Park

DEAR JENNIE AND LISA - THE JL SHIPPER

WARNING
the following chapter contains scenes that may be traumatizing or violent.

The Shipper's personality and life is a work of fiction written by me. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

This chapter has no intent to offend any countries, cultures, or people. It's based on researched information.

Thank you for inspiring this chapter without knowing it.

JENNIE

t h e ... W ..h ...H ..o L e.. S k y.....

The letters lengthen, fade into what remains a distant memory in the corner of my mind.

I open my eyes, slowly.

The soft light coming in through the window dimly illuminates part of the room, yet I immediately get my bearings. I'm here, in my old dorm bedroom. It feels like an eternity since I closed my eyes with Lisa next to me.

Lisa.

When I try to move my body, I feel an obstructing weight on the covers on the left side.

"Hmm?"

The weight moves slightly, but it doesn't allow me to free myself from the tangle of blankets.

"Lisa... ? I can't..."

I try to slip out of the tightness I'm wrapped in, and when I manage to turn my body, I see Lisa quite caught up, busy reading something inside a smartphone

"That's not your phone, Lisa."

"Clearly; it's Yari's phone. Mine is dead." She tells me; pointing her thin index finger at the desk. I realize she must not have slept a wink until now; she is absorbed in the phone's contents, extremely awake and she's still wearing the big Bvlgari ring, that reflects during the movement.

"What were you doing?"

"I was reading some stuff. There's... I don't know, some weird stuff in here."

Her eyes are magnetized to the screen; I wonder what she could have found inside it. Sometimes her curiosity knows no bounds, and she often ends up discovering things that are purposely buried.

"Of course, it's his phone. Did you ...find any naked girls on it?!" It takes me a quick instant to spontaneously bite my tongue. Damn, what I'm saying?

Lisa, visibly embarrassed, squirms on the bed and finally turns her shocked gaze on mine.

"Wh-what? No! No there's no... what are you talking about?"

"I'm joking!" I tell her quickly, staging one of my best toothy smiles. I have no idea what I had in mind with that sentence.

"There are... I was reading some strange emails." Lisa says to me frowning.

I can tell by her attitude she wants to talk to me about it, yet before I can even phrase the question, she cuts it short "But...It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter? What? What is it?"

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested, so I insist a little more, trying to break through those dark hazel eyes.

"Is it about us? About you? About me?"

"It's not important Jennie. I don't understand what it is either."

And in that very moment, as I look at her, fragments of the dream my mind had fallen into, come to light. I remember the various versions of her Lisa I encountered; the distinct feeling of fear, desire. The need.

"You have to know; I have a strange thing to tell you too. I had a millenary dream."

"A what? A millenary dream?"

"An endless dream. I was aware that I was asleep, and I thought I would never wake up again. I was inside... like... a labyrinth with a thousand entrances, and I got lost in it. The scenarios followed each other within our music videos."

"What?" Lisa's eyes go wide.

"There was Yari as my guide... there was you, and Jisoo and Rosé, in many different versions."

She listens to me, quite puzzled.

"The past and the future were merging. And the present... there was also the present stopped next to me, I think it needed to know what to do. And in the dream, I jeopardized the past in the name of that present."

"Wh-.... What? Jennie are you okay!? I think you..." Lisa puts her hand on my forehead; it's dry and warm. It seems like a lifetime since our skin last made contact, for real.

"Ahh, you're warm. You might have a fever, Jen." Her head bends, carefully inspecting me.

"Why should I have the fever. Oh! Will it be true that Jisoo is positive?"

"I don't know but... the things you are talking about... are weird."

I can't explain what was that dream. I clearly remember some of the scenes. I remember the rain, the bare feet on the asphalt, the nagging insecurity of what was going to happen. I remember that there was something I didn't want to leave there or someone.

"In the dream, our relationship was often questioned, Lisa. What we have...was like, was only possible within a dream." Or in fanfiction. I think it, but I don't let it out of my mouth.

She looks back at the phone screen. The light coming from below brightens her face in an almost grotesque way.

"Damn, this night is just insane and full of nightmares."

"I wouldn't exactly call mine a nightmare... rather a journey...."

"Ohhh, Jennie. Mine was also a journey; what a journey. I could have taken a cue for a "Lili's film" shot for how strange it was. But yours ... I don't know, past, present, inside our music videos? Weird."

"Well, at least I didn't wake up in a pool of sweat!" I say this with a hint of touchiness that she must have noticed, because, right after, there are several minutes of deep silence.

Then in a solemn tone, in the heart of that quiet night, Lisa comes up with her stunt.

"The fried rice Jen."

I look at her dark silhouette, stunned.

"The fried rice, what?"

"Yeah. Maybe it was heavy to digest."

"What are you implying now? That it's the fault of my fried rice?"

"Is just that, you know..."

"It was the kimchi. It was spicy. You know I can't eat spicy Lisa!"

"Oh! Okay, hey. I too ate kimchi, I can eat kimchi, I can eat very spicy food! Yet we have both weird stuff tonight."

"Well, maybe we're... just attracted to weird things." I tell her.

"Or maybe weird things like you and me, and so they call to us. If you only knew how weird I feel, Jen."

Until a while ago Lisa looked peaceful. Now her tone seems to get darker; I sense a note of bitter frustration in her voice, and I have an impelling desire to know more of the way she feels.

"What do you mean, Lili?"

"Jennie..." Lisa lets out a big sigh.

"... there are things I can't understand anymore. I thought I was living a day like any other, but instead... we found ourselves here, in a place we had abandoned; with Yari appeared from nowhere. Strange things are happening these days; don't you notice them? Our agency locking us up, lying to us, controlling us; you and me having an on-and-off relationship."

She catches her breath and then carries on.

"It all feels so unreal. It feels like we're not living a real present Jennie. Oh, you know what it sounds like?"

"What?" I ask her concerned.

"A condensation of what our fans are saying."

At this point, Lisa leans forward. She reaches my ear and whispers:

"It feels as if someone is monitoring us; making us live a parallel existence to explain who we really are, what is around us, and what people think about us. It's like being inside one of those stories Jennie, those fanfictions."

Her warm breath tickles my ear.

"Like someone was trying to find out our secrets, things related to the past, or things that people make up. Things that if we're not careful, we can't even distinguish anymore."

I never thought of that; her speech literally knocks me out. On second thought, I believed I had met a Blink, what happened to that curious fan? It seems like a whole year has passed, a thousand things seem to have happened; and yet we've only been in here for a couple of days. And then Yari; how did Yari show up?

"I think, I think you are right. There is something wrong. But Lisa, I feel myself, I really feel some feelings; they are really part of me."

"I know, I feel the same way. Amongst things out of place, the fears, the desires, different sensations here have weight as in reality. It's as if what we can't express comes out of us on its own. What we are, and what we feel, along with allusions that we have to live or have experienced.

Jennie....it feels like our hidden reality has merged with the lie shown."

Is it possible that we have been in so much contact with fakeness, that we have been swallowed up by it? As if trapped in our own fake attitudes in front of the cameras. Inside the lies of the fans. As if, for some strange reason, that thing I told Yari, the story of truth in a fictional world, was coming true.

As if a story is haunting us.

An eerie silence falls over the room as I try to process what Lisa has said.

Then simultaneously, we both look out the window. Without giving us time to figure out what's going on, a dazzling shimmer crosses the sky, and a trail of gold hangs placidly for a few seconds.

A shooting star! We've just witnessed the timid crossing of a falling star in the black velvet.

"Make a wish!" "Make a wish!"

It is said that when two people have a deep connection, the harmony, the complicity they manifest lead them to say and think the same thoughts. We whisper these words at the same time, together. Looking at each other; without saying anything else.

I close my eyes and in a heartbeat, my desire comes to life in my mind. I think about it deeply, observing the desire from every angle, capturing it as tightly as I can with my imagination, and then letting it go.

"What did you wish for, Lisa?" I ask. The window reflects the cold light of the moon, while the building in front stands alone.

"You don't say your wishes." She answers me quietly, turning her gaze away.

I can't blame her; desires should remain secret. What I wished for, on the other hand, I recently processed; and I can remind myself of it: I wished to be happy.

Happy, it sounds so banal. Yet I feel that being happy is like solving a Rubik's cube. And it's not always that easy. It takes a few combinations to find all the faces. To find the balance; achieved only when all the faces are fully shown.

The face of what I really want, the face of what I really seek, the face of what I really feel, the face of what I really think, the face of who I really love, the face of who I really am.

In the Rubik's cube, as in our life, there will always be combinations created by others as they please; a little red piece instead of yellow. Green where blue goes.

Those hands will keep turning and turning the faces, never satisfied, they will make the plastic creak in search of the combination they desire. Me with Lisa, me dancing this, me saying that, me dating Ji-yong. Me winning that, me losing this, me collaborating there, me going here. Me being who I'm not. As long as the colors are mixed, there will never be full control of our happiness.

"Jennie..." Lisa's voice takes me out of my thoughts.

"...Jennie are you sure you're okay? I better get you some water."

She gets up from the bed with a light movement. I follow her dark, slender silhouette wandering into the dimly lit room; a few steps towards the door. If one day we drifted apart, I think even decades later I would recognize the silhouette of her body in the dark.

"Lisa.."

"What?" She asks me suddenly; just when my stomach is performing an embarrassing rumbling.

"I'm... hungry."

"Now?!"

"Can you make me a sandwich?" My face must involuntarily take on the appearance of a pouting fawn.

"Please..." I add.

Lisa rolls her eyes; she nods slowly with that mock annoyed expression. As soon as she disappears beyond the doorframe, swallowed up in the silence of the apartment, I find myself completely alone. Without our speeches, the bedroom is surrounded by a light, cozy silence and the silvery light of the moon shines through the glass and hits the blankets.

I instinctively look up and sharpen my eyesight, I see them. There must be millions of stars, scattered into the beauty of the night heavens. They are very small and far away.

I read somewhere that light travels at an infinite speed; if a star is millions of light-years away from us, we see it as it was millions of years ago. So those stars may have already died out, but we still see them. Sometimes we might be observing beautiful things that are not there in reality, and all the time we have been watching them they have never existed. Just like some of those little twinkle lights over my head.

I fill my eyes with those sparkles but suddenly, something inexplicable happens.

They descend. At first sporadic, then more and more, growing in number. Small ice crystals glittering in the graphite sky.

"Huh? Is it snowing?"

I lean over just a bit; they are indeed tiny snowflakes, it's the first snow of winter! It falls silently disappearing over the edge of the window.

"How strange," I whisper to myself. Looking up at the sky I can still see the little wobbly stars, the weather is clear, yet the snowflakes are getting thicker and thicker.

"Even nature is weird tonight."

Maybe Lisa is right, we are experiencing something unrealistic. Maybe I should really ask him.

I reach over the bed and grab Yari's iPhone that Lisa left on the covers. The light hits my face as soon as I press the power button.

"Oh..."

The amazement slips from my mouth just as soon as I see our picture, the one from our debut. I am there, with those Gucci platform pumps, so high to line up with the others; Lisa and her indefinite turquoise hair. It seems like a lifetime ago. I don't know why he keeps it as a lock screen; he always grumbles that he's not a Blink. He doesn't consider himself as a "fan"; and yet here they are, Blackpink.

While I'm wavering on this heavy nostalgic feeling, the display goes out. I touch it again, back to the light, back to our picture. I take a few seconds, just the time needed for the 31 to turn into 32 on the clock.

Then I decide to do it.

I unlock the screen and the view is open on the email app.

"She said there were strange things here...."

Lisa will be back in a bit, but she definitely won't yell at me if I snoop on someone else's phone.

- DEAR JENNIE AND LISA -

Dear Jennie and Lisa.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe that I'm finally writing to both of you, and you are reading me.

My name is Dalisay; I live in Quezon City, northeast of Manila.

I live right next to a wonderful selfie museum, similar to the one Jisoo visited in Melbourne. It's called "Art in Island" and I'm definitely sure you would love it, dear Jennie and Lisa.

After all, you both love art, don't you?

This is just one of the passions you share, of those little shared signals that make you so special.

With this letter I would like to tell you about myself; how I've enjoyed the Kpop world thanks to Blackpink, and how I can call myself a Jenlisa shipper.

I found out about your group by chance; while watching videos on Youtube. Kpop is extremely captivating and even more, is the universe behind the fanservice. That's why the different ships within the group always seemed very sweet to me. Jensoo, Chaelisa, Lisoo, Jenlisa, were those classic perfect matches that brought the right amount of curiosity and excitement among the fans.

In the beginning, It wasn't anything serious for me. The shippers were really pushing your relationship. I couldn't deny the mysterious chemistry that was hovering around you; yet the existence of a secret couple within such a famous Kpop group didn't make any logical point.

You know, I consider myself a pretty rational, analytical person. I'm used to evaluating everything over and over again, and not trusting everything around me.

But one summer day, my eyes fell on a couple of video analyses regarding the Jenlisa ship. The more I watched, the more interested I became; the more I watched the more questions I had. The more I watched them, the more I started noticing everything.

It was amazing how many of those scenes had passed right in front of my eyes with superficiality; and I had never detected what, in fact, were real and concrete evidence.

Jennie Lisa, you have no idea how the excitement was coursing through my veins. Seriously.

Could it be possible? Two of the most interesting idols of the moment, could they really be together? Have a real relationship? And all shrouded in such an aura of mystery, a tangled web of clues to decipher.

The interest had grown to such a level that I became drugged. I became a true Jenlisa shipper, to the point that any notion regarding the two of you, was reviewed by me.

I'm not a dumb shipper, like those kids who can't tell you, Lili, from Nini. But more of a careful, observant one. I spoke only of facts, and most of all I used logic.

Jennie, you can't imagine the thrill I felt on September 23, 2017, when you posted the prom photo with that caption. From that moment on, everything was clear to me. The puzzle had begun to recreate itself, piece by piece. What to others were simple situations, or so-called fanservice, were actually signals, clues, confirmations that you were sent to us, shippers. The ones who were really understanding what was going on between the two of you. We hadn't missed any of your suggestions. The analyses had become numerous; every little piece fell into place, showing how extremely clear and realistic everything was. But with your numerous attempts to interact in a loving way, and to rebel against the agency by showing your courage, you had literally forced YG to seek a remedy for this increasingly obvious relationship.

Jenlisa was real, it was enough to carefully analyze all your actions in front of the camera, and behind the scenes. Especially what was hidden and denied to us, your fans; when the restrictions had started to become progressively more evident and heavier.

This happened just as the giant wave of Jenlisa shippers had begun to flood the internet. A whole community of fans had been created and started gaining more and more attention, too many people were starting to take an interest in my ship, even some very important celebrities.

With Jenlisa trending, YG had begun a strategy trying to convince new fans that you Jennie and Lisa, were simply groupmates, and not even that close. All the ships and their shippers were free to express themselves, very free. Except for Jenlisa.

Restrictions were already evident. Like the one on the escalator, when the manager literally warned you Lisa of the camera's presence; or during the Blackpink house when you weren't even free to hug each other during a live show.

They started to delete your interactions, especially the bravest ones; like in the Running Man scenes. In every OT4 setup, they turned you off, changing your places in a miserable way. They prevented any photos of you, Jennie, in the second Lisa's photobook. Barely showed you together 3-4 times in Instagram stories and banned any selfies or updates in the IG feed.

It's unbelievable how you are the only couple that hasn't had selfies together in Instagram posts! Not one VLIVE together. Lisa, you have never featured in Jennie's vlogs; and Jennie, you were literally hidden from the cameras in the behind-the-scenes of Lalisa's MV. So that fans couldn't even recognize you.

In the summer diary, in Everland, the teams were of course Chaennie and Jensoo; you were never paired up in games. Not a photo with Jenlisa, not a single interaction. With the exception of the sitting scene, when you, Nini, literally stretched your hand over Lisa's crotch, sending all the shippers into raptures for that few seconds. A wild scene clearly used by YG in the promo, to make us believe that there were other interactions; then literally deleted in the DVD.

And you Lisa, you didn't even wish Nini a proper happy birthday!

Aren't these signs of clear and obvious limitations on your interactions?

So, I'd opened a personal page in your support. I'd devoted myself to it, reporting every little tiny piece of interplay, and making it a rallying point for thousands of Jenlisa followers. What I wanted was to show how your genuine closeness was suppressed and hidden through various ploys. An unacceptable attitude from an extremely racist agency. Because let's not fool ourselves; South Korea is known for being a homophobic country and these were just some of the evidence to support the unfair narrative you had ended up in.

Icould cite dozens of episodes, all damned inexplicable. No one has ever beenable to give explanations and have arguments for these events. But in spite ofthis stupid homophobic agency, which imprisoned you more and more, I couldn't help thinking about all the little hints and confirmations you had always spoiled and fed your shippers with. Especially you, Jennie, never failed to make your fans happy.

Little hints, every 23rd of the month, 23 uploaded photos, a declaration dedicated to Lisa "Falling in love with Lisa again", the numerous objects, clothes, matching poses that you always used to reassure us in a low-key way. Can we forget when you, Nini, skipped in Ice Cream the part about Lisa needing a man, marrying perfectly with "I don't need a ken"?

Or when you posted this photo; I'll attach it here.

How revealing was this; really, how can you not see? Is this what friends are like?

Your relationship also found confirmation in Chaesoo's actions; whenever embarrassment or astonishment crossed their eyes, or they tried to protect you by hiding some too obvious reaction. And even in your closest friends who supported you by hanging out with Jenlisa's shippers.

Maybe the reactions were even too obvious sometimes, and we were too careful and discerning. I can't forget the moment when the feelings of all Jenlisa's shippers were destroyed by the rumors with Kai. That attempt to sew several media plays on you, Jennie, to push away the idea of a lesbian relationship and destroy all our beliefs and analysis. To shut us up, after we noticed too much.

It was a pathetic move, made official through Dispatch, so as to push fans to believe the gossip. I'm sure like me, many other shippers felt bewildered, confused. Holding on to a different hope wasn't easy with the rise of the Jenkai world, a wave of assholes blindly supporting the fake couple. Thankfully, it didn't last long, and it couldn't last long. If it was dramatic for us Jenlisa fans, like a bolt out of the blue, I dare not imagine how painful it must have been for you Nini, to go along with these antics. And ended up back in it with GDragon.

However, Nini, Lili, in spite of this suffering, there have been many good moments in the past, especially when one voice among all, was noticed on Twitter.

When Dr. Tea appeared, everything seemed to take an even more exciting turn.

Although I was initially skeptical, whoever was hiding behind that profile had captured my attention, starting to talk about Jenlisa providing answers to several questions and most importantly confirming your relationship. Given the incredible accuracy of Dr. Tea's information, some were convinced it was you, Nini. I honestly don't know, I think it was more like someone from the staff, an insider, but the one thing I know for sure is that Dr. Tea was exactly what we needed. Someone to give us even more answers, confirmation, hope that Jenlisa was real.

And Dr. Tea had indeed provided that, with short answers and enigmatic content always on point, always factual, legitimate, proven. Every piece of information reported by Dr. Tea was accurate and realistic.

As reported by numerous Shippers.

Dr. Tea had become the great hope of us shippers; a hope shrouded in mystery and once I got into the game of clues, teas, and predictions, it was impossible for me to stop.

Those were good times.

"Trust J, never doubt L."

Where Jenlisa, despite several challenges, still breathed and smiled. Even after Dr. Tea's disappearance, we were happy; we didn't have to gnaw crumbs, or pray for a fragment; a frame of interaction between you two.

Until the most pathetic and fake person came on the scene.

Leander Yari Park.

Believe me, Jennie and Lisa, this is something I would gladly avoid. A bunch of Jenlisa's pages has already talked about it; ruining enough their content. I shouldn't give space to this topic, especially in this letter. Here I should only express my admiration for you, talk about what it means to be a Jenlisa shipper. However, this name has settled into our fandom and it has become impossible not to talk about it.

Yet, I'm sure you've never heard of it, so...let me start from the beginning.

Leander Yari Park appeared in December; he initially emerged as the author of some strange chapters on Wattpad, in a very mediocre fanfiction, titled "Haunt You". In the plot, the writer introduced a special Fan as the main character, with an unclear identity and gender, who, chosen by YG Entertainment managed to meet Blackpink and discover improbable secrets.

I suppose that what made the fanfiction extremely ambiguous and captivating, were all the photos and "proofs" added by the author in several chapters. I know, it's totally crazy, yet these elements really hinted at a connection between you and the character. Many readers began to take interest and spread the story; especially when The Fan, later revealed to be "L", suggested fictitious situations mixed with truth, which confirmed your relationship and approved our hopes.

As an avid Jenlisa shipper, I could have delighted in his words, gorged myself on the further confirmation, adding another source to support my theories. And I admit my curiosity was really piqued at first.

I would have swallowed anything that talked about Jenlisa, especially if it emphasized and confirmed my theories. But as time went on, chapter by chapter, social after social where the author landed, I became more and more suspicious. Leaving aside the Jenlisa argument, the whole story was crazy, there couldn't be any truth in the events narrated. Yet the author claimed otherwise; even introducing himself as your friend.

Get it?

A Blackpink friend, writer on Wattpad? I have to snicker just writing that. It couldn't be true. "L" couldn't be a reliable and legitimate source, it had swooped down from the sky, claiming that fans should stop analyzing you because our videos and theories were intrusive and didn't respect your privacy. Something impossible to accept, considering that all the shippers were doing nothing but digging to bring to light the evidence and restrictions.

He seemed nothing more than a poor Jenlisa shipper, looking for fame; searching for a way to spread his story, lying about his identity. I thought it was obvious for all my fellow Blinks, but as Jisoo said, "Blinks are easy to fool", and "L" was extremely enigmatic and informed enough to attract a considerable part of curious fans.

As much as the author appeared an attention seeker, landing on every social and criticizing all the analysis on Jenlisa, he didn't seem particularly harmful. Until the chapter where "L" came up with the idea that you, Jennie, had planned to send a message to us, within the stupid story.

I bet you're laughing hard; showing off your chubby cheeks, Nini. And I'd want to laugh at the whole thing too if it wasn't so outrageous.

I'm sure it was a plan, using you; use the most famous ship of Kpop, to establish himself in the fandom. Using a lot of definitely forged "evidence"; at first pretending to be a female and getting more support, and then losing a large number of subscribers after revealing himself to be a male.

A male? I mean, could it be possible?

It's categorically impossible for you to have such a male friend.

It's impractical to even think about.

It's absolutely impossible. Impossible for Jennie or Lisa's friend to talk about your privacy in fanfiction. About Blackpink, who are extremely private and reserved. Anyone who is in contact with you must respect strict rules of privacy and silence.

A complete stranger out of nowhere, asking an entire fandom to respect the idols; pretending to know them, to be their friend, to represent their voices; and to own Jenlisa. Jennie, Lisa, I know you've been through a lot, but this is seriously insane. Asking fans to respect, and meanwhile exposing your private life? Being so mean, psychopathic, a preposterous behavior showed in disgusting fanfiction and compulsive Instagram stories.

At one point, in the fanfiction, he started writing erotic scenes between Blackpink members; alluding that you, Lisa, cheated on Jennie with Rosé, and seeking further attention he made up one of the most despicable and absurd things that could come out of his sick mind: he pretended to be Rosé's boyfriend and Nini's ex.

Yeah, I know, it's pretty damn crazy and disgusting; but I want you to know all these delusional statements because I'm convinced only a sociopathic, stalker, sasaeng, pervert could write these things in fanfiction. And frankly, girls, I think you should protect yourself and Rosie from this madman, and from his obsession!

When I think of it, if his age is real; if he's really 34, I can't help but imagine a creepy old man Rosé would never get involved with. You know, I tried to look into him observing his seemingly elusive, actually unsmart behavior. He must have been abandoned by everyone; I'm convinced even his family has pushed him away. Many Blinks have created several pages against Yari Park; to show how fake and disrespectful he is towards Blackpink. How much he actually hates and dislikes the group; especially you, Jennie, and Lisa. If he hadn't made up the story about Rosie's boyfriend, I would have seriously thought he was a Chaelisa or a Chaennie shipper.

I might even call him the anti-Jisoo, since he never mentioned her, and he never cared about her.

I'm sure among his followers there were many who follow him simply to mock his character. There are many group chats in which shippers speak badly of him. They are probably the same who have thoroughly investigated his true identity; trying in every way to free us, free you, from this plague. I can no longer count how many have exposed and mocked him online; Blinks often worked together to expose his lies, fake proofs, and all his crimes.

Do you know, Lisa? They were even helped by the legit cousin's husband who doesn't live in Seoul.

The guy supported the asshole's online persecution; spreading private conversations, talking to fans, and confirming his being fake. I clearly remember the mess that was going on at the time, when everyone tried to expose him. I really don't know how the clown managed to overcome this exposure as well.

Probably the legit cousin's husband lost appreciation at one point; stating that you, Lisa, had read Yari's fanfiction, and you'd despised it. Is that true? I mean, have you really read that crap? I don't want to believe it.

However, if such a legitimate source had told the truth, it's understandable how many Wattpad writers were furious with the author, considering that Lisa Manoban from Blackpink had actually read "Haunt You".

Sadly moreover, the chats where the cousin's husband declared that Jenlisa's ship wasn't real, went viral; this made many shippers disappointed and skeptical, undermining some of the trust he'd gained. Although, what else could he have said? Confirm your relationship? Come on, he simply protected you!

Yari Park had always proven to be a troublemaker, with that touch of egocentricity and exuberance; his annoying sarcasm in the foreground. He went so far as to attack even one of Blackpink's businessman friends.

A manwho has always given accurate clues and spoilers about Blackpink. Who ownsphotos with you, because he actually knows you. We're all aware that onlysomeone who has unseen photos, signed albums, and knows about your projects, can be called a real friend; these are the only indisputable proofs of true closeness.

At least, this is what many Blinks believe.

And Jennie, Lisa, the clown attacked him because he was providing lowkey confirmations about your relationship, every Jenlisa's day of the month. Just like that. This man, with Dr. Tea, was the most relevant and believable character in Jenlisa's kingdom. Damn, I guess he got so annoyed because he set the profile private and he stopped hinting at some point; making me very upset because he represented a key pawn in raising our hopes.

Jennie, Lisa, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced. Clearly, Yari Park hates the Jenlisa couple.

He is a misogynist who hates women and is patently homophobe; even though he preaches to support the LGBT community. He'd focused on us, Jenlisa shippers, barely giving any attention to anyone else because he can't stand your love.

I could describe him as the quintessential antagonist; hitting my ship, my Jennie, and my Lisa.

I can't believe he even attacked and scared to death one of the most famous and accurate Jenlisa channels on Youtube.

He wrote a comment under a video, asking the creator to minimize her analysis; and to avoid invading your privacy. God, fortunately, she didn't consider his requests! Indeed, the girl attacked the fake with her entire community; denigrating him to the marrow, and dedicating a couple of videos to unmask "Haunt You". I hate how he allows himself, with that bluster, to criticize any Jenlisa content.

Today I'm convinced that those videos against his story have disappeared not to give him visibility; because Yari Park has always drawn fame from any exposure against him.

Even from the most striking; like the one specially designed for his birthday.

Please don't think I'm bad, girls, but I think there was no better revenge and response than to make Yari's birthday a living hell. The jerk dumbly stole some pictures of a guy, pretending to be him.

Jennie, Lisa, you'll agree with me that it's a crime!

Do people realize this? He has put Blackpink in a bad light, considering his pretending to be a friend. I'm sure he was so confident that no one would find out, but some Blinks are real detectives; they even tried to hack his profile. Oh, that time you should have seen him; justified the whole thing with embarrassing reasons "There are things I can't reveal" "It was a joke for my haters", sure. Who would believe him?

The exposure happened exactly on his special day; blatant, all-over social media. Many shippers and Blink as little police ants, had exposed the details of the guy Yari had used and proved the attempt to impersonate someone else. This became the priority: we had to find out who was hiding behind that name; discovering the real identity and proving it was fake.

Due to this, some users got the idea that Yari's real identity was totally invented; and matched his so-called friend Laura Bortobolli.

I'd investigated myself about it, finding several coincidences between the two. Laura liked Avril Lavigne, Blackpink, and making music. Also, Laura Bortolloti's name started with an "L," like Leander; and her Steam profile had recently changed the name to "Leonheart"; everyone knew his fixation on lions. I have no idea if his minions remember, but Yari posted drawings on IG that turned out to be the same as Laura's.

Wasn't this evidence enough to confirm that they were the same person?

That day there was really a big fuss on Tik Tok and IG. Not even the cousin's husband missed the roll call; he congratulated us after unmasking and exposing Laura Borbotolli's private data. Everyone tried to report Yari's, or... Laura's profiles; but actually, nothing really happened.

The asshole went on with his dirty game, even when Blinks attacked him for claiming DJ Snake was using Lisa before her debut. Yari Park literally bullied DJ Snake!

You see, maybe I shouldn't have taken it so hard. After all, he was nothing more than a lonely, jobless person who spends hours on social media. He had money to throw around and buy all the things you have; to buy information about your personal life. Yes, I'd this hunch too, that he was buying information from sasaengs, that's why he knew things about you. He was probably investing in some scams.

But he definitely didn't know you. And do you know when I realized it without a doubt? Well, get ready because this one is big. One day out of nowhere, in the middle of his pathetic stay, he ruled that you were just friends.

Did you get it? He'd made up a crazy story, using "Jenlisa ship"; fighting against the shippers because they had to protect your bond, and then all of a sudden he came out and said there was nothing between you two anymore.

"Jennie and Lisa are just friends"

Who was he to say that? Without any proof. He stood as Jenlisa's godfather claiming control over you; threatening us that if we didn't follow his lead, we would never even see fanservice between you again. How pathetic.

Damn, I swear I don't understand how some Blinks can believe so many fake things. I mean, it was almost better to believe in the fakes that pretend to be you, Blackpink; with the blurry photos.

At least they don't talk, and they don't express themselves.

Someone like Yari Park was just to be despised, he was nothing but a worthless fake. If the fans wanted to protect you girls, they should have committed to take him down, make a mass report, make all his traces and profiles full of lies disappear!

Or even better, YG. The agency should have taken action and exposed him, sued him! Why doesn't that useless company step in when needed? Seriously, they ignore our Blinks, only take action when we do some photoshopping; and leave a crazy fake free to bother you Lisa, Jennie... Rosie and Jisoo.

He was just a loser looking for attention and clout. He wanted to pose as your protector, but really, he was just ruining Blackpink's reputation; he was putting you in danger because you don't have a friend that crazy, do you?

What do I have to ask?

Of course, you don't!

Someone like Yari Park would never have met you; a wanker forced forever in his dirty room, dreaming up his perverted fantasies, hoping to be noticed by you!

Please forgive my outburst in this letter. I'm sorry to be so rude.

I have a unique opportunity. I can write to you almost as if you were my friends, and maybe I'm digressing with my stories.

But Yari deafened me every time he answered his stupid questions, "Jenlisa is not real.", "Jennie and Lisa are friends." "Jennie and Lisa are not a couple." "Friends." "They are just friends."

He had no proof of your separation; yet from the very moment Haunt You had begun, I couldn't deny that there was something off about Jenlisa. Something I couldn't explain with YG's restrictions alone. It was almost like... you were really strangers to each other.

At one point I'd also started to think that he had been too noticeable with his fanfiction and the idea that pretending to be a trusted friend with information about you could get you in trouble had started to haunt my thoughts.

Maybe YG had found his story, making you vulnerable? Maybe they'd thought you, Jennie, actually had something to do with that shit? Had he somehow frightened you with his crazy statements?

It must have been foolish to even think that. Giving a shred of power to that nobody. But as the days go by, I felt like he'd messed it all up. I felt like I was losing my ship through his lies and YG restrictions; my hope.

I couldn't take it out on YG Entertainment directly, so I hated him. All his empty statements about the entertainment world, how fake it was, and how we fans should respect idols; a bunch of hypocrisy. I hated it.

If there was a name next to the definition of this feeling, it would have been his. I hated his lies, his refusal to accept Jenlisa. He would never, ever stop our wave, our devotion. It would never have stopped my love for you.

That's what I thought.

That's who I was.

That's exactly the Dalisay I used to be.

Yet, dear Jennie and Lisa, something has changed in me.

I don't think any shipper will ever have the opportunity to do what I'm doing. You always say that you love your Blinks so much, and then I've decided to take full advantage of my chance and to narrate to you what Dalisay I have become today.

A short time ago I was watching some Jenlisa videos. I dwelt on all your stares, those missed touches often interrupted, those little thrilling things that happened between you two, catchable by attentive eyes. As I always did, wondering if you were real, and answering "yes!" every time I analyzed and found one more piece of the puzzle, a confirmation. I also felt sadness, I thought how unfair your situation was, a secret love that can only half breathe; hidden in the cracks of a society that doesn't fully accept these relationships.

I thought about how wonderful and tenacious your story must have been; something that needed all my support and enthusiasm because you were always trying to resist and to give those tiny signals to us shippers. I was completely lost in these thoughts, up to my hair.

The idea of being able to support you and see things that many blinks couldn't see thrilled me. Made me feel good. I was fighting my own mental "battle" with Jendragon gossip; with other ships like Jenkai, Liskook, Taennie. Tiring but manageable things.

Yari Park was just a pebble in my shoe.

But of all the voices in the choir, even though he was nothing but a nobody without any credibility, that pesky little pebble managed to disturb a perfect balance.

After all, you know that if you run with a pebble in your shoe, sooner or later you will hurt yourself and you will have to stop.

And suddenly, one November night unable to sleep, I'd opened Instagram and looked at your profiles. You were smiling, beautiful as ever. Your feline eyes Jennie, the soft line of your cheeks; and Lisa, the light cut of your pink hair that fell over your shoulders. On those perfect lips were smiles, next to other people, other names, inside other contexts.

I'd looked for the spark in the few couple's shots during this year. I'd checked in all the angles; in all the fleeting glances you might have exchanged. I'd looked for a touch, a contact hidden from the camera. There was nothing.

I remember I asked myself "How is possible?" And then, the answer was "Hmm. Of course, YG is restricting you. That's why I can't see...."

I felt the uncontrollable need to watch some of your videos; to immerse myself again in those emotional moments. So, I immediately opened YouTube.

There were some kinds of "whispers" as I pressed the play button.

- Jennie and Lisa have grown up; the past is gone. Don't you think those things were a little over the top? -

I remember it was a "Possessive / jealous Nini" compilation, with Lowkey by NIKI instrumental in the background.

I was getting uneasy because those noises were going on - Can't you see she's acting? - but wasn't my mind talking, it was the clown's words echoing in it.

I could hear him hovering like a specter in my thoughts, and the more I watched the videos the more my convictions tried to overpower his nonsense words. But even though I was sure I could see something, in reality...

- It's just fanservice. –

There was nothing.

I felt sick. There was something climbing in my stomach, like a disgusting slug. It had reached my throat, and my eyes had begun to burn and become covered with an opaque veil.

- Jennie and Lisa are just friends. –

I still vividly recall slamming my laptop down and screaming alone "Fuck you Yari Park!" and that night I found myself in the middle of a breakdown before falling into a desolate sleep.

I hadn't accepted his statements that night; nor the following nights.

But his existence had affected me. He had distracted me, not only by drawing my attention to him, he'd made me speed up with all its questionable "confirmations" and then pushed me off the track for some reason.

You know, a simplistic mind like Yari Park's would give a simple explanation for my behavior. I am an obsessed shipper, as he likes to call it; he would rant about a cultural problem, saying we're deluded romantics, looking for attention.

Lili, Nini, to fully understand certain things, I need to tell you about aspects that not everyone may know about.

In my country, romance and love are at the heart of society. We love sentimental storylines, with happy endings. Romantic fairy tales, where couples swear eternal love, where difficult or impossible relationships become real. For this reason, we like to imagine that the celebrities couple we see on the screen is real; both on video and in everyday life.

Here we call these pairings "love teams". And I don't think everyone is aware of that aspect.

I think that dreamy and enthusiastic support for popular couples is widespread all over the world, and media companies themself exploit this kind of affection for a love duo to sell entertainment and earn money. But here, sometimes, the desire turns into a hard conviction; and it's not just about personal entertainment. The incredible chemistry played out in their role, can lead fans to believe that the couple might actually be real off-screen.

People become thrilled, fanatical, and possessive. They put a lot of effort into supporting and protecting the couple and its credibility. Believe me, when the love team is debunked, or the stars themselves destroy it, fans can suffer and turn out to be very upset by the event.

They get annoyed if the star is paired with other characters and they will do everything to keep alive their belief, including trying to convince as many people as possible through outright lies.

Yari Park says that between Idols and fandoms, there is a chasm of lies. As the entertainment world deceives fans, some fans exploit falsehoods about idols for various purposes.

If on one hand, I understand the need to show us fake but catchy things, on the other I've been looking for a reason behind fans fabricating so many lies about celebrities.

For sure if we are surrounded and influenced by a damaged culture, by a deceitful and manipulative society that uses lies to guide our choices and our interests; we will end up absorbing this attitude. Politics lies, government lies, society lies, the entertainment world lies.

However, I think the explanation can be found in an innate aspect of being human.

The natural desire to exist and be seen.

Many online like to use the term "attention seeker" in an offensive way. But if you look closely, we're all a bit attentions seeker. Everyone sooner or later feels a strong desire to stand out among others. To be recognized, and be popular.

And, at the end of the day, how can we blame it? Being appreciated, loved, wanted makes us feel good, isn't it? Feeling good because someone adores us is the most natural and logical thing in the world. We need other people's attention to feel good. And at some point, we want it so much that we no longer care how we get to it.

So, if we don't know how to get noticed, the shortest road is a lie.

A lie can both bring you closer to a desire, and make people curious; attract them. You can get the wanted consideration that fills your soul, and sometimes even something more. Are you wondering what? Well, if you are followed, you are famous. And fame brings power. Power means money.

I personally get very annoyed when I see those hundreds of clickbait content. Fake gossip, boosted scandals, misleading, lying titles; all aimed just to attract more traffic to the platform. It happens all the time, every day, on every platform, in broad daylight. It makes us curious, because "if it's written online, maybe it's true" and it's not just Blinks that are easy to fool, we all are, in one way or another.

Yari Park wouldn't believe me but Nini, Lili, today I don't believe everything I read on the net. Unfortunately, nowadays it's very easy for misinformation to proliferate and reach many users because social media has blurred the boundaries between lies and truths.

It affects the way we absorb and perceive information. Several people stop at the outer shell of things, without making an effort to look inside and understand, research the genuine view.

People make stuff up to be seen, to be famous, and make money.

Lili, removing all the hypocritical masks we manage to wear; money is all we want. "My money rules. My money moves, money, I choose."  You couldn't make it any clearer.

We lie, or support a fake scenario to turn on the spotlight, the lie as well as attract attention and give us fame, is useful to support our cause.

This reminds me of the fifth episode of a Thai series I recently watched on Netflix. The main character is a weird girl from nowhere with the incredible power to expose everything. Hypocrisy and secrets of students from different schools are used to give life lessons, even with provocative lies and questionable actions.

Have you ever seen it?

Anyway, putting together the romantic and dreamy vein of many fellow Blinks and the need to get noticed, you have it: the Yari's delusional shipper, in need of attention. There will be many Jenlisa shippers like that. Looking for views, likes, and money.

The one who creates content on Jennie and Lisa from Blackpink, not really interested in the feeling. Or a version interested in fame, but willing to defend the Jenlisa real couple.

He may have fought his war against Jenlisa shippers, but I wasn't looking for money or fame.

I doubt someone like Yari Park could even imagine the chill that used to run down my spine every time I looked at you, Jennie and Lisa. The emotional, almost embarrassed, jolt that exploded in my chest every time you looked into each other's eyes. The relief I felt watching your videos.

Because for me Jenlisa has always been this. Moral support.

I'm still sure that he doesn't know you, so I guess it's useless to write here. But if he listened to me, I would like to ask him a question.

Was it really necessary to crush my hopes?

Couldn't you leave me in my convictions, and mind your own business?

Among all the lies he'd told the biggest one.

He'd said he was here for us shippers.

Yet he'd given the first prize to a beautiful painting, and then he completely defaced it. He'd built a complex sandcastle, only to destroy it with a kick. He'd shown me the happiness pill, before flushing it down the toilet. Yari Park had offered me a glass of vodka-colored water; locked up my morphine and thrown away the key.

What feelings should I have now; who should I blame?

YG Entertainment? Yari Park? I'm not sure anymore. I can blame him for opening a door out of the fairy world, without warning us that it would close behind.

Maybe I should ask the real protagonists, Jennie and Lisa. Why do I feel this way?

I have often told myself that eyes don't lie, that the chemistry was there for all to see. That you couldn't do things together because the agency was restricting you because you really did have a relationship to hide.

But before I got completely lost in Jenlisa's world, I asked myself: what if I was a victim of my own beliefs?

This question now has a very different taste than the first time I asked it to myself. It has exactly the bitter taste of medicine you could have avoided by being more careful, and don't catch a cold.

But at the time, I didn't have the inclination to be suspicious of an entertainment world that pushes us to delude ourselves. That allows so many fans to fabricate stories online just to appear and make the desire real.

A pure dream that turned into reality because we wanted it to be real. We found green lights even when the lights were red. Even when the floor wasn't the same, the rooms were different, or you Jennie were actually a piece of furniture. We were destined to crush our race against the wall of reality.

So, Jennie and Lisa, I understand now, what entertainment is.

Something that gets us out of our shitty world, and makes us feel good.

The one that makes me forget who I am, that takes me by the hand and wraps me up; carrying me away from reality. That makes me believe that things are okay, even when life is turning into pure hell.

Like my life since that famous day.

When I'd found that little pink striped piece of paper in my backpack saying "Hi Dalisay! Please meet me today at Krispy Kreme at 9 pm. Trisha."

I could feel my cheeks burning. How many "Trisha"'s were there in the school? Yet her elegant style was unmistakable, we had all seen it on the welcome boards in freshman year.

Trisha was the prettiest, most studious, and popular girl in the senior year of our high school. Always nice to everyone, helpful, and extremely popular. I would often stare at her as she walked along the hallways. She was really, truly beautiful; and always surrounded by people. She smiled at everyone, even me; yet she couldn't see me. I couldn't get into her eyes, I'd pass through them quickly, like a flash.

A polite "hello" in the yard, and nothing more. I was nobody to Trisha, just a short girl from Section Rizal. And how could I believe an invite left in my backpack, for no reason, without us ever really speaking? All the cards on the table were there for a joke, for a mistake.

At that time, I already knew who I was. I liked my own gender, but I lived my existence in secret; a second life that remained locked in my mind and in my soul. The real Dalisay wasn't going anywhere, the one who loved to dress in swag clothes, the one who accepted her femininity but would have liked some less accentuated feminine details. A different cut maybe, a few more intimate female friends. Without fear of being judged and laughed at.

I felt really insecure and scared every time a girl approached me because I never knew what part of my dual soul to let out.

Yet that note was for me. I had double-checked several times; there was my name, and there was hers. And I knew Trisha would never play dirty with someone, even less a year younger. Maybe she saw something in me, maybe she wanted to ask me a favor. Whatever it was, my excitement was so high the rationality, which I usually had, had been blinded. Although I wasn't very lucky, I wanted for once to believe in the destiny that was unfolding in front of me; not to regret my fearful decisions.

I'd prepared myself carefully the whole afternoon. Like someone on a first date; creating in the mirror the image of Dalisay that I liked. The one closest to my true self. If I'd met Trisha that night, I wanted to appear the Dalisay I was, as pleasant as possible. I knew the few qualities I might have, were buried in this body that didn't belong to me. A lying shell I was trapped inside by mistake.

(Jennie, Lisa, I know my soul doesn't look like it at all, it got inside during one of those mother nature mistakes. My soul is 5'7", size S. It doesn't have such big boobs and chubby cheeks, and it has lighter skin.)

At 8:30 p.m. I was standing in front of the Donut shop entrance. I was frantically trying to wipe my palms on my shorts, praying that Trisha wouldn't witness the scene. Maybe it was the hot weather in July or just the anxiety; I felt so nervous at one point I was afraid of throwing up. I mean, how could I blame myself; at that time, it was like I had a date with you, Jennie. A beautiful girl, who I secretly liked had noticed me. Not just an ordinary girl!

I could have offered her a donut, or maybe something to drink was better. I'd thought over and over again about what to say to her, how to act, what to ask her. But after ten interminable minutes of mental rehearsal, there was no brunette with a bright smile in front of me.

It was John, my classmate. I remember his hair gelled behind the ears, supported by a band, that prominent mole at one side of his mouth, braces on his teeth, and the white T-shirt. With a tugged smile he'd told me he was there to bring me to Trisha, who was waiting for me at the nearby park.

Any rational person would have suspected. I would have loved to be struck by one of my usual panic attacks, letting pessimism and insecurity take me over and run away. I was used to running, to hiding. To consider myself a loser, but the writing was hers. It was an unmistakable proof; she had invited me. So once again I'd put my faith in my confidence, and above all in my naivety.

Jennie, Lisa, who knows what are you thinking about me.

Honestly, girls, my brain wasn't running so far ahead; it hadn't slipped into the winding roads of human meanness. Roads of dirty intentions, like the ones we were traveling on the way.

During the walk, he'd tried to dig through my possible interests, like an amateur detective. Trivial things, probably just to lighten the awkwardness.

"What is your favorite Kpop group?"

I only knew John by reputation. He was stupid. Obsessed with social networks. He spent more days at the Murphy Public Market than at school; helping his mother at the fish stand. Everyone knew it at school, but he still pretended to come from a rich family.

I'd told him that I liked Blackpink, adding that my favorites were you, Jennie, and Lisa.

After a few miles of walking, we'd stopped the pass near a small park.

We'd left the main road. Moving into the first meadow, toward the inner part of the park; John had persisted with his questions. He'd asked me if I was a shipper. Jennie, Lisa that was just the moment I'd started to get interested in you, and every reference to a ship made me glow with joy.

I was filled with excitement telling him that I liked all the ships in the group, and my favorite was Jenlisa. I could have started a nice conversation on the subject, talking about various aspects. I was fantasizing so much in my mind to ignore that, after a while, John was no longer interested in knowing about me. He'd stopped at the edge of a small hill, next to a bench under the streetlight; his fingers frantically typing something on his phone.

Jennie, Lisa, I remember very well everything that had been said to me that night. Every phrase, every giggle, everything is still etched in my mind; and to understand how I became so obsessed with you, I will tell you everything.

It was such a beautiful night, the starry sky. In the afternoon there had been the usual tropical downpour, and on the asphalt, the moon reflected in iridescent puddles. In the street, nearby, there were shouts, laughter that filled that stifling summer air.

We were there, waiting wrapped in the feeble light of the street lamp. Then John had come up with an unexpected question.

"Oy Dalisay, are you a virgin?"

I'd suddenly felt a lump in my throat and many pins pricked in my head. Can you believe it? What kind of question was that!

It was none of his business. I'd confined myself to deep, embarrassed silence, turning my gaze upward.

"Won't you answer?"

In the gaps between white clouds reflected in the sky, I could glimpse the flickering stars.

"Oy, Dalisay? I'm talking to you!" His tone was more and more insistent.

"You've never done it because you like girls right? You're a lesbian, admit it!"

What had turned that stupid but generally harmless boy into the obnoxious rude guy in front of me?

I'd asked him to stop, but in response, he'd snatched the phone out of my hand, and started mocking the contents of my gallery.

"I knew it, look at this, who are them? Jennie and Lisa? Ohhh...Jenlisa!...Tibo ka pero ayaw mong aminin!"

The mockery had gone on for a few minutes until the fateful threat:

"Prove to me that you are not a lesbian, get undressed in front of me."

Jennie, Lisa, I didn't know what to say. The situation had escalated quickly. Everything was assuming the appearance of a disgusting and unpleasant joke in which I'd ended up.

He'd said something like... "If you don't want to do it, it's true that you like girls. You actually like Jenlisa."

Then he'd bitten his lip to suppress a laugh, and merely pretended to cough up.

"The whole school will know." John had an arrogant, biting tone.

I'd never been bullied or threatened like that; I felt scared. I didn't want the whole school to know my personal business, even worse from other people's mouths. What would my classmates, have said? Especially some of them, whit a superficial and childish mentality to criticize everyone, and then act the same way.

What if the news had spread and gotten to the class council? To my mother? I didn't know how serious he was about it, but with such thoughts, the panic had already begun to spread through the cells of my body.

So, gathering that little bit of courage from every corner of myself I'd rushed at him, trying to get my phone back.

But the fight was only one way. John was much taller, stronger, and more determined than me. He wasn't going to leave the phone, he was snickering at every failed attempt and I could feel his hands teasing me without permission, on my hips, on my belly, on my breasts. He was acting like a stupid, arrogant, annoying child.

At one point he'd managed to wrap his arms around my body. I'd wiggled and grumbled against his shoulder, I felt helpless, I could not free myself from that unpleasant and intrusive physical joke he was playing.

Then, just before his grip began to loosen, I'd caught a glimpse of a figure approaching behind the hedge. John had pushed me back slightly, like a rubber doll; and I'd been able to see it clearly, under the light.

It was Abegail smothered in hysterical giggles.

"Come on Dalisay, tell us your secret!"

And her shrieking voice was suddenly joined by another behind me.

"You are not a Lesbian? Then prove it, we want proof that you are not a lesbian! Dalisay, we know you're hiding something!

Felix was laughing bent in two; Crystal, Joyce, Irina, and Iman were looking at me with a contemptuous look.

"Yes indeed, you never come to the pool, what are you hiding?" "Show us, come on show us!"

Half of my class was there, enjoying that indecent show. They could have helped me, saved me from that unpleasant situation; after all, they were my classmates. But there in front of me, lined up like soldiers waiting to shoot the spy, there were the worst ones. Those who hissed their tongues in group chats morbidly wondered why I never went to swimming class.

"We won't let you leave here unless you get naked and show us."

"You do it, or we'll record the video where we'll prove that you're hiding something!" "And that you are a lesbian!"

Girls, I remember these words very well. They stuck inside my head like pins, penetrating it until they touched the most fragile part. I wasn't able to fight back that time. I'd left my room determined for once in my life. Astonished, of course, amazed for that invitation, but for once brave and confident in myself.

Instead, I'd been naive and deluded, and this is what I'd deserved that night. Someone like me, who is not even comfortable in her own body, had deserved a poor joke. Psychological torture by classmates, who sooner or later would have gone so far as to prove their theories about me. A threat from which I couldn't escape.

So that's how it had gone.

I'd started to dream. It was a dream like the ones I have when I'm asleep and reality doesn't matter. When I run away in the fog with an indistinct danger behind me; and my legs don't obey my brain, they remain motionless, paralyzed. My body began to reveal itself reluctantly as if it didn't belong to me.

I was outside that body. A body does not always adhere to you; you are not always in it because otherwise, you wouldn't want to destroy it.

"Oy Zara, nagrerecord ka pa ba? Tara!"

They laughed as I undressed; and once I was completely naked, I'd seen Zara.

She was pointing at me the fake iPhone, bought at the beginning of the year to pretend to be rich. I could hear their voices mixed with laughs.

"What's the matter? Lika na! Tingnan natin kung anong meron ka dyan! Why don't you ever come to the pool?

I was naked. I was ashamed. Ashamed of my slightly darker skin, my noticeable breasts, my hips a bit prominent.

"Yeah, why are you always dressed up? Huh?" "Come on, show us the thing you want to use on Trisha!"

Everyone was staring at my naked body. The exposed skin under the light of the street lamp. I could feel their eyes on every inch of flesh; the giggles running down my belly, inside my thighs, looking for a piece out of place.

"Oy guys she likes Jenlisa I bet she reads the GP stories!"

That hot June evening the air was almost suffocating. I would have lost my hearing as well as my breath, so as not to hear all their nastiness. Despite the hot weather, though, all my body was shaking, shaking so much that I didn't even realize the tears were flowing down my cheeks without control.

"We know you're hiding something. Let us see. We are your classmates!"

I'd tried to cover myself curling my body in on itself; clutching my legs, shielding me with the arms.

"Gusto nyam aging kagaya ni Lisa sa mga story ana yun."

They thought they found something wrong with my body. Something that shouldn't be there. Because I looked at the girls, or I'd never gone swimming class.

"Oy nasaan ang tite nya? Where is her dick?"

No one at school had ever seen me naked, my best had been the knee-length Capri pants.

"Where is your maliit na pototoy?"

I'd curled up on the bench, but no matter how hard I tried, my hands couldn't reach every part of my body.

"Guys, anong meron sa balat nya?

But it wasn't a penis I was hiding. Their stupidity bordered on pathetic. I wasn't a male with a penis and boobs, I was a normal girl, I didn't have anything they thought.

"What's wrong with her skin?"

At that moment, under the light of the streetlamp, they had seen them.

Islands of all sizes and shapes, running across my belly from my navel to my breast, like a map, like milk and coffee stains.

"She is sick! Is this contagious?"

They'd appeared one day after my father left our house. He'd sped away from us, and never returned.

Without saying goodbye. Neither to me nor to my mother who, since that day, had never missed an opportunity to give me the fault.

Because a lesbian daughter was a disgrace to the family. I, on the other hand, had never taken the courage to talk about the night on the way back from Cabanatuan.

When Dad picked me up from the Five Star bus terminal and left me in the car with my eyes closed. I was pretending to be asleep, like all 7-year-old girls who want to be carried by their daddy.

The same dad who had made out with his friend Adrian, right next to the bus.

At that age, I couldn't understand why my father would touch a man but later, in my teenage years, the discovery of the homosexual world and celebrities like Ogie Diaz had helped me to fully realize it. There was nothing wrong with it, just like there was nothing wrong with me liking girls.

We don't decide the gender of who we love, we just do it.

Anyway, the doctor had said so; stress had caused vitiligo on my body. "Stress from school" had explained my mother to family members. My mother, the one who had thought of sending me to a therapist to save me from my gender illness. An idea that she then withdrew, because news travels fast and the sessions were more expensive than the car insurance.

The only stress I felt, though; the only illness I had, was from abandonment, and rejection.

"Para syang baka! John, touch her boobs like she was a cow!" "Magviviral young video!"

I would have told them they were ignorant assholes. That vitiligo was not contagious and I hadn't asked for it. That, of all the bad things that could happen to me, it was a small matter, after all. But words wouldn't come out of my mouth. I was ashamed of my situation; I felt a deep uneasiness.

I knew from the start I would be teased, bullied, and offended; they would be afraid due to a rotten, closed mentality. So, I'd always been very careful not to show myself in this condition.

And yet that night I stood there, naked in front of half my class; treated like an animal.

A circus freak, a real clown.

I'd heard "Let's make her a video, it will become viral!"

All of them were a clear example of the lack of discipline and education typical of my generation. Felix and Crystal were hypocrites, always choosing which rules to apply to others, and to themselves. Abegail was not ashamed of their actions; of being intrusive and inquiring into other people's lives. Joyce was always mocking fat or poor people. Their crab mentality was spreading in school and in the friend circle.

I repeated these things to myself. I repeated them in my mind, over and over again, to give me an ounce of strength while John's hands were rough and sweaty.

He'd pulled my wrists, forcing the arms to move away from my breasts. His hands had taken their place; groping, squeezing without restraint. My body was mocked, touched without permission

No one around had noticed what was happening. Maybe they all spent the night on Manila's beach, singing songs accompanied by a guitar; someone would seclude themselves where the darkness covers everything, whispering endless words to each other. Others, swimming in the dark sea.

Dalisay was in the park instead; foreign touches on her body.

I always could hear what they were saying,

"Moooooooo Dalisay the cow! Moooooooooo!"

I didn't want to listen, but their voices reached my ears without my being able to object.

They kept up the harassment for interminable minutes, and once satisfied with the recorded material, they'd left me there, crumpled on the bare ground. I was helpless, drained by tears and despair.

For a moment, on the way home, between bitter and hard tears I'd almost managed to convince myself they were joking. Maybe they wouldn't have actually put the video online.

But I was wrong.

News spreads quickly. Especially here; especially on social networks dominated by complete liars. The more private, scandalous, or ridiculous they are, the more they travel the network as fast as light.

The video recorded with the fake smartphone had become viral; and if you're not careful in this city, you risk being defrauded of your truths. Exactly as happened to me, my identity became "Dalisay from the Rizal Section, the naked lesbian who likes to be touched".

By the time the video was up on the porn site, "Young Pinay scandal in the park gets her tits squeezed like a cow", I'd already started.

My forearms were already furrowed with red roads, like a map of Seoul. Roads to faraway places, where I would never go. Like the veins of leaves in autumn, or the wings of butterflies.

I wanted to have another look, another shell; and fate had been so cruel to me that the wrong shell had even perennial flaws. Anything but "pure," as my name implied.

So, I'd begun to see in that gesture a relief, the punishment for my wrong body.

I still have a clear view of what I was doing.

In the bathroom, I'd turned the key in the lock. I used to give it two full turns, even though my mother wasn't home; just in case.

Then I'd stepped into the shower. I'd let myself slide down to the floor and there, in contact with the cold tiles, I'd relaxed.

I'd begun to cut slowly, with increasingly firm and confident movements; trying not to sink the blade too deep. My heart was beating more slowly while a sweet, iron smell, had enveloped me in the shower.

Then drops. Bright red droplets were falling on the floor; one, two, three. Sometimes four. It was a relief. I'd felt the pain leave my body. I pressed hard against the wound after the evil had left my soul.

There was happiness, calmness, I was reaching it. I deserved to suffer to reach it. There was nothing else I could do to save myself.

But then, when it was all over when I had gotten up off the shower floor, when the water was running down the drain dragging something of mine behind and I came out of that room; everything was still exactly as before, nothing had changed.

I'd nothing but those gestures until the moment when Jenlisa ran me over with violence.

Jenlisa was there before, but it wasn't as strong. Jenlisa was there before, but it didn't tell me that it could save me, and that's what it did.

I really want to tell him, to Yari Park.

Jenlisa had saved the lesbian one, a little fat, with the cow stains on her. The one who was going around online on social with the viral video and squished boobs. Who was even showing up on porn sites.

The one who felt uncomfortable, uncool, with a shattered family. The one who couldn't longer trust real life, but instead behind the screen could support someone else's whole existence.

Jenlisa had saved me from pressing harder and sinking deeper.

Today, I hide the scars under my t-shirt sleeves. If my college classmates see them, they could make fun of me. They would say I am crazy. Maybe they would like an answer to that, and I would end up naked in a park again.

But I can't wash them away, like the stains of my illness. They'll be there to remind me who the old Dalisay was.

Maybe, yes, Dalisay is crazy. After all, Yari Park always says that we shippers are sick.

Yari Park knows nothing about me, and us shippers; Nothing about Jenlisa. Nothing.

I wasn't crazy, but maybe I became one.

I just wanted to be me. To fight stuck in the cocoon of a butterfly that would remain a chrysalis forever. To stand in front of the mirror and be me, not what everyone expects of me.

Maybe I just needed a normal family. I would have wanted a mother who would accept me for the lesbian I am, without shame. A father who talked to me, instead of stepping into his new life like it was nothing.

I would have wanted normal friends, friends who change your life why not, but not with a stupid joke. Without shame, without thinking that such a silly gesture, would have ruined me.

Because if there had been bruises on my body that night, or scratches on my face; if I had felt the physical pain inside every tissue, every cell, maybe it would have passed sooner or later. Like the wounds, I inflicted on myself. Maybe I wouldn't have felt that psychological terror, I wouldn't have been trapped in an emotional wound deep to the soul, that inevitably drove me to obsess.

Today I know that the Jenlisa river runs between two banks: one of nonsense and exploitation, the other of pleasant support from fans, and It's not always clear in the beholder's eyes.

Today I look back at all those videos, with those fantasies my brain saw in them. And I just feel stupid. I can't see anything at all now.

I was obsessed. I'd forgotten to remove the entertainment filter, and I didn't realize a simple rule: when we watch the screen, it's easy to convince ourselves of what the director wants to send. In videos created specifically to ship you, Jennie and Lisa, any detail would prompt us to think that way.

A hug, a smile, a banal but equally addictive and electrifying attitude full of mystery, clearly with a hint of sincere friendship. Capable of entertaining you. Because that's what it is, fanservice. A service tailored for us, fans, a channel capable of showing us exactly what we are looking for, and want to see. A game to be readjusted I might add. Because, once placed in the hands of fans, the youngest and most naïve, without instructions, it is easy to use it in the wrong way and break it.

How can I be so stupid? Believing that you were giving hints to millions of fans about a relationship to hide? So stupid to believe that if you were together, you would have tried to let us know? For what purpose? To put a lesbian relationship made in South Korea in the mouth of half the world? Would we have somehow saved you? Protected you?

Well, it certainly didn't happen that way

But with this letter I understood.

I realize that deep down I never really cared about you, Jennie and Lisa.

You don't take such an obsessive interest in someone else's life, except because you have to overlay it on yours.

If I had really cared, I would have known how to protect what could have been a hypothetical relationship.

I would have never exposed your life online, I would have never highlighted the details I could see in the videos or photos, just to say "There! I've discovered you, Jennie, and Lisa! You're in a relationship."

When I think about it now, it's extremely selfish, and stupid. All that delusional material protected neither an unreal thing nor your friendship. It just showed how greedy many of us were for entertainment, and to be a part of it, by trying to make a point about the Jenlisa showtime.

I just needed you. I needed Jenlisa, to stay alive.

I needed to be distracted, occupy my mind from a myriad of fantasies that would pull me away from my reality.

I needed Jenlisa to feel good, to mirror me, to excite me, to jump feet first out of my reality and leap into another one. The last few years of my life, after what had happened to me in the park and my extreme gestures, could be summed up in my list of followers on my page.

Years in which I've deluded myself into thinking I was building a social life full of people who finally appreciate me, who love me for the contribution I've made to Jenlisa ship. But when I scroll down the list, I have the heavy certainty that I've never really known anyone. If I needed someone, that someone wouldn't be there.

Now, I also realize that when the dream ends, I can't think about going back to sleep and picking up where I left off. I have to get out of bed, live my life no matter how wrong it is.

Jenlisa, the romance, "Jennie and Lisa's entertainment game"; call it whatever you want. This like any other belief about other people will give us distraction for a while, but it won't make my life any better.

What do I do when I find out that after so much dedication, you have a different life? What do you do when your desires are shattered and reality is far away from what you wanted?

Should we be angry with you, because through our eyes we've convinced ourselves of something never said, or done? Because a touch on the cheek has become a promise of love?

We fans, we fans have known you as a group. Although there are stans, we would like to see you always close, always united, always on good terms. If we don't see it with our own eyes, we start to process situations.

We often forget about individuality, the fact that people can drift apart, that you can argue. That you can have a different life after years of forced coexistence and cooperation.

And I'd understand if you Lisa didn't put Jennie in the photo book; or if you Jennie, didn't feel like posting things about Lisa when, after all, being constantly paired up isn't what you want.

And I, who always blamed your agency, what nonsense.

We forget that the real essence of becoming who you are is not love and romance, but what got you there in the first place: the competition. The black side, behind the pink.

Wow. This would be a perfect line worthy of Yari Park, to write in his stupid novel.

Actually, I think sometimes we've forgotten everything. Or at least, you guys didn't teach us how to be mean, snoopy, and offend people.

Sometimes there are questions you ask knowing the answer already, so no, Jennie and Lisa, I will not resent you. I will not hate you the day that, sooner or later, you live your true lives to the fullest.

I won't feel disappointed, I won't do anything, anything at all.

After all, Yari Park has already opened the door, and you both are clearly showing what's on the other side: your independencies, your different friendships, your realities that none of us can control.

So, yeah, I'd rather take it out on Yari Park. It's easy to hate him, he has no real identity. He lied, he created uproar in the fandom, with his nonsense against Jenlisa, against the Blinks.

How can you not attack such an idiot? Someone who, no one has yet figured out why, does nonsense online, gets himself into trouble stealing another guy's identity, writes a stupid story thinking he's sending some message to fans.

I will never know why he chose to behave this way. He could continue to be mysterious, people would believe him, as they believe so many other lies. He could keep on claiming that Jenlisa is real, at least pretend it. All the shippers would have wallowed in a sea of celebration and happiness, they would have fallen madly for him. He would now have towering numbers in a universe of liars and gullible people.

Well, I'd rather attack him, he seems almost there on purpose. So, in the meantime, don't think about the disappointment, the anger that you can feel because Jennie and Lisa are just friends, because YG never puts content on BP, because you Lisa are mistreated, because Jennie is always targeted. Because nothing goes right, because we are a generation unhappy about everything, because our life is not the one we want, and we need to obsess ourselves about the lives of others.

I hope that one day he will be able to understand us, shippers, that he will understand that we are not all the same. We don't all obsess just because we don't know what to do.

Maybe one day I'll read that crappy fanfiction to the end, and I'll try to understand more about his actions. Well, only if he stops writing endless chapters; that's why he brainwashes his followers: he's so long-winded.

Now I don't even care who he is anymore if he's fake if he's real. What does it mean to be fake? To know Blackpink or not? Living a life that doesn't belong to us?

Jennie, Lisa, I made it to the end of this letter.

I forgive you.

I forgive you for your performance, thank you for letting me watch it.

You, please, forgive us if our interest was always just finding out your business, snooping. If our idea of protecting "Jenlisa" was to spread your facts online, to concoct fantasies aimed at our desires, to investigate to uncover clues about "your relationship".

Now you are free.

I had one chance in a billion to talk to you and ask the fateful question, Is Jenlisa real? Yet I don't care about anything.

I think part of me, deep down, will never stop hoping for a future with Jenlisa.

Hoping is not wrong at all.

Maybe one day we will really see you walking the Paris streets, hand in hand.

Right in Yari Park's face.

My page will remain in support of Jennie and Lisa of Blackpink. But now, now I'm interested in trying to start over. Living my real life, looking carefully for a future. Thinking about myself, my new, unexpected relationship.

Because after so much suffering, if we focus on ourselves, things can happen.

I read it somewhere.

It was written by someone that it looks wrong from the outside, but actually looks deep inside at situations and people.

Goodbye, Jennie and Lisa.

_____

JENNIE

My heart explodes in my chest. Violent beats pounding making me almost miss my breath. When Lisa walks through the door, I abruptly throw the phone on the blanket.

"Here you go Jen...your sandwich."

I try to appear calm, but I can't.

"What's wrong with you? You look shocked." She asks me, putting the water glass on the desk.

"Nothing." I lie. Again, again.

"It doesn't look like it, Jennie. What did you do?"

"I read a strange letter in there," I tell her, pointing at Yari's phone.

"Oh? Oh, did you read that stuff from the future? What... what did you read?"

"From the future? I don't know, my letter was from a Jenlisa shipper."

Lisa's face becomes almost catatonic.

"Jenlisa shipper?"

"Why are you making that face? Didn't you read it?"

"No, what I read was different."

" I mean, who cares what we read. What... what is he doing? Is he talking to Blinks? Where did that stuff come from?"

"I don't know Jen, are you asking me?"

Lisa holds the sandwich under her nose.

My god. What she made is a stratospheric two-layer burger.

"What did you do? I asked for a sandwich, this looks like something out of a fast-food restaurant."

"Actually, I don't know Jen, I just got the impression that I had to be busy in the kitchen while you were here."

"Lisa, do you think our fans are okay with what we give them?" I ask her as I bite into my food.

"What do we give them?"

"I don't know, illusions? Performances, skits, photos, you know... entertainment services."

It's definitely salad inside.

"That's our job, Jennie. Would you like to give them more of what they have? They're in our lives 24 hours a day."

"I know, but maybe it's not quite the right way to help them, or rather, it's not the only way."

Large slices of tomato peeped through the meat.

"And what would you like to do? Go to their house and cook? Call them at home to see how they are? Try proposing this to the CEO, maybe he'll do a new format on it."

"You know that's not possible. that's not what I'm talking about. Maybe someone should exploit us to send serious messages for once."

"We already do that with the climate."

I try not to get myself and the bed dirty, but the sauce is overflowing dangerously.

"But I say to the fans! Think about it, the stuff about us is just fake news, earned awards, photos from photoshoots, viral videos, fancy fanfiction."

"The videos are funny, and then there are many charitable acts in our name."

"Sure, but on a moral, psychological level, what do we do?"

"I don't know Jennie, what do you want to be? Jennie Kim the psychologist? I bet there is already your fanfiction on that weird site, and maybe we even fuck."

"Lisa!" I lick my finger from the succulent sauce dripping from the meat.

"Yeah, come on I'm kidding. How's the burger?"

"It's good."

"I don't know why I had a flashback of you biting the burger and leaving lipstick marks on it. You know, like a déjà vu." She says with a snicker.

There is a moment of strange silence as we look into each other's faces as if seeking an answer right there, on the tip of our tongues. As if time dilates slightly, and some things are not in their proper place.

It lasts a few seconds, but then everything goes back to normal.

"Never mind, Jennie."

"Get Yari's phone, Lisa." I ask her as I wipe my mouth with the paper towel.

"Are we looking for more stuff in there?"

"I don't know, let's see if there's more. In the emails."

"There's nothing in the inbox here."

"Look in the drafts."

"Oh, Jennie. How snoopy you've become..." Lisa taps on the screen "Yeah, actually there's an email here, unsent."

"What does it say?"

"Dear Chaeyoung, this is my confession."