"Guys! Open!"
Someone, presumably Yeonjun, kicked the front door again.
"Yah! Wait, we're dealing with something here!" Soobin threw another rag over the small fire on the stove.
"I think you're making it worse," Sunghoon grimaced, pulling Soobin back as the fabric burst into flames.
"Here, here, move." Jay ran up to them, smothering the fire with a damp hand towel.
"Ah," Soobin grinned. "I forgot to wet it first."
Another series of thumps echoed through the dorm.
"Yo!" Yeonjun shouted. "Open the door, seriously."
Taehyun sighed, hopping off the kitchen counter. "I'll get it."
He stuffed one last piece of toast into his mouth before running off. Jake promptly swooped by, picking up Taehyun's empty plate on his way to the sink.
Sunghoon glanced at the burnt stove. "Jake?"
"Yep." The boy tossed him a dishcloth.
Sunghoon hummed a thank you before attempting to scrub off the black scorch marks. A shout from the living room drew everyone over.
"Taehyun, quiet, the neighbors will-" Soobin froze.
Thunder rumbled as two drenched boys stumbled into the dorm, carrying a third between them. Sunghoon's heart dropped upon seeing Heeseung.
"Help," Beomgyu mumbled weakly. He looked up, legs shaking from exhaustion.
For a moment, all Sunghoon could do was stare. Movement from the other boys brought him back to his senses, and he quickly took Beomgyu's place, allowing Taehyun a moment to fret over his boyfriend. Someone threw a blanket over Heeseung's shoulders, but it pointlessly slipped to the floor as Sunghoon and Yeonjun lay him down on the couch.
"Everybody, back up," Soobin commanded. He knelt beside the unconscious boy, checking his wrist for a pulse.
Sunghoon tapped his foot anxiously, unable to stand still.
"Sunghoon."
Heeseung's skin was alarmingly pale, yet his body radiated heat.
"Sunghoon."
His breaths were far too shallow; Sunghoon could barely see his chest rise and fall.
"Sunghoon!"
Jake's face appeared in his narrow line of vision. "Please stop."
Sunoo hooked his arm around Sunghoon's, guiding him to the kitchen. "You okay?"
Sunghoon didn't respond. He felt lightheaded watching Jake and Kai sit Yeonjun and Beomgyu down at the table. The number of people in the room began to feel overwhelming, and a twinge of panic rose in his chest. There was too much movement, too much noise, and too little space to breathe.
"Hyung," Sunoo called softly. "Do you need water?"
"No, thank you," Sunghoon whispered. "Jake, Kai, Sunoo, you guys should go back to Heeseung."
Kai glanced at him. "You sure?"
Sunghoon nodded.
Jake stayed in the kitchen as the other two exited. "Sunghoon-"
"You go too. I can take care of Yeonjun hyung and Beomgyu hyung."
Jake stared at him, unsure. "You'll need help."
"I won't." Sunghoon hung his head. "Please go. Watch Heeseung for me."
Jake pursed his lips. "Okay. Call if you need anything."
He ran back to the living room, leaving Sunghoon alone with Yeonjun and Beomgyu. They gave him bittersweet smiles, both shivering despite being wrapped in towels.
"Sunghoonie." Yeonjun patted an empty seat beside him. "Why don't you sit down?"
Sunghoon shook his head, forcing himself to be productive. He took care of Beomgyu first, wiping mud off his face and placing ointment over his rug burns. Beomgyu grinned as Sunghoon depressedly plucked a stray eyelash from his cheek.
"Want to know a secret?" He reached into his pocket and pulled a pair of handcuffs out. "I got a little something to match the taser."
Sunghoon was too upset about Heeseung to react. He silently moved on to Yeonjun, cleaning a small cut near his elbow before sequentially placing a band-aid on it. His two patients exchanged worried glances.
"Hey, Sunghoon," Yeonjun smiled, pulling him into a chair. "Knock knock."
Sunghoon hesitated. "Who's there?"
"Ach."
"Ach who?"
Beomgyu giggled, poking Sunghoon's stomach. "Bless you."
Sunghoon was unsure what was so funny about the joke. He looked up as Taehyun joined them at the table, setting down two sets of dry clothes.
"Not yet," Taehyun scolded, slapping Beomgyu's hand away from the laundry. "Both of you, shower first."
"But the rain-" Beomgyu started.
"-is not a shower." Taehyun pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Now go."
Yeonjun yawned, standing up. "Is there any hot water left?"
"I think we should shower together to save the environment."
"Beomgyu, what the fuck?" Yeonjun grabbed a dry towel before disappearing into a bathroom and firmly locking the door.
Sunghoon glanced at Taehyun, confused.
"It's normal, don't worry." Taehyun nudged Beomgyu's chair with his foot, pushing him towards the second bathroom. "Gyu, go!"
"I need something first."
Taehyun rolled his eyes, sending the older boy off with a kick and a kiss.
Sunghoon smiled faintly. "That's cute. He loves you a lot."
"Nah," Taehyun laughed. "He loves the attention. Feeds off of it like a leech."
A few others joined them at the table.
"Heeseung hyung's awake," Kai announced. "If you want, you can-"
Sunghoon stood up immediately, scanning the dorm. He spotted Heeseung with Soobin, half-walking half-being carried to a bedroom, and he rushed to follow.
"Wait." Jungwon grabbed his hand. "Soobin hyung's helping him change into dry clothes."
"Of course," Sunghoon sighed, sitting back down.
An eternity passed before the bedroom door opened again.
"You guys can come in," Soobin called. "But try not to crowd him. And be quiet; he's sleeping."
Sunghoon scrambled to his feet, nearly tripping in his haste to see Heeseung. He was relieved to find the boy resting peacefully in Jay and Jungwon's bed, looking much healthier than before.
"What did you give him? Why was he sick?"
"Hyung." Sunoo patted his hand. "Breathe."
Sunghoon took a seat on the floor beside the bed. He lightly stroked Heeseung's rain-damp bangs, trying to ignore the fluttering in his chest. A minute passed before he became self-conscious of everyone's stares. He looked up, insecure, and witnessed several disapproving faces quickly wipe themselves blank. The room remained silent as Sunghoon shifted awkwardly, unable to tear himself away from Heeseung.
"We warmed him up and gave him some Tylenol," Jay finally answered. "He'll be okay; he just overworked himself."
"He has a fever," Sunghoon whispered.
"That's what the Tylenol was for." Soobin gently pulled him up by his arms. "Don't worry, Sunghoon. He's okay."
"We should let him rest," Jungwon said softly, ushering everyone out.
Sunghoon reluctantly left the room, using Jay and a cup of water as an excuse to return minutes later.
"Get better soon, hyung," Jay murmured, setting the glass down on the floor.
Heeseung remained fast asleep.
Sunghoon touched the sick boy's cheek with the tip of his fingers. "Good night, Heeseung."
It may have been his ears playing tricks on him, but he swore he heard Heeseung mumble his name. He glanced at Jay, who confirmed his thoughts with a nod.
"Yay," he cheered quietly.
Jay chuckled as they turned to leave.
"Hey, Sunghoon hyung." Daniel's head poked out from behind the doorframe. "How come you don't use honorifics with Heeseung hyung?"
Sunghoon blushed as Jay started laughing. He nudged the older boy into the hallway, quietly shutting Heeseung's door behind them.
"Everything is Jay's fault," he sighed. "It started three years ago when I first became a trainee."
~
Sunghoon glanced around the room nervously. A door opened, and he quickly stood up to bow, ready to recite the paragraph he had memorized.
"Hello, sunbaenim. My name is Sunghoon. I'm fifteen years old. I'm the new-"
"I'm Jay," the boy smiled, cutting him off. "And I'm fifteen too, so you don't have to act all formal."
~
Daniel frowned. "Wait, that's it?"
Sunghoon shushed him. "No, there's more."
~
"Come on, I'm supposed to give you a tour before your first class."
Sunghoon nodded, slinging his backpack over one shoulder before following Jay out the door. He observed his surroundings carefully, trying to determine how he'd fit in with the other trainees. The first impression was the most important, and Sunghoon resolved to appear both approachable and confident. He didn't have many friends due to his packed figure skating schedule, but here, everyone was busy. These boys understood prioritizing work over friendship. It was a chance to start over, a new career, and a new Sunghoon.
Jay paused his tour in a random hallway, checking his phone. "Hm. I gotta g- oh hey!"
He waved over an intimidatingly tall boy with broad shoulders. Sunghoon took a deep breath, reminding himself to be confident.
"This is the new guy," Jay informed the tall boy. "Watch him for a sec, will you? Thanks!"
He turned to leave.
"Wait!" Sunghoon called frantically. "Where are you going?"
"PD-nim's office, the trainees take turns massaging his feet. Don't worry; you're not until next week."
Sunghoon felt his heart sink, watching Jay disappear around a corner.
~
Jay burst out laughing. "It was a joke; I was going to the bathroom."
"How was I supposed to know that?" Sunghoon scowled, crossing his arms.
"Hyung, finish the story," Daniel urged.
~
The tall boy stared at the ground shyly. "So, um. What's your name?"
"I'm confident."
"What?"
Sunghoon blushed, silently cursing himself. "I mean, I'm Sunghoon. Park Sunghoon."
"Oh." The tall boy kept his eyes trained on the floor. "I'm Lee Heeseung."
"Nice name," Sunghoon nodded awkwardly. "Heeseung."
The word felt strange on his tongue. He repeated it a few times, trying to familiarize himself.
"I've never met a Heeseung before."
Heeseung gave a quiet laugh. "I've met a couple Sunghoons. None like you, though."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"I don't know." He looked up, eyes twinkling.
Sunghoon felt his breath hitch. He desperately wanted this Heeseung to like him.
"You'll have an answer for me soon then?"
"Mm, maybe." Heeseung checked his watch. "You hungry? Cause I'm hungry. Let's go to the cafeteria. The foods pretty crappy, but-"
Sunghoon rushed to open his backpack. "I have ramen if you want. The good kind."
"You do?"
"Yeah." Sunghoon felt his face heat up as he handed a thermos to Heeseung. "I know we're not supposed to carry food in the building, but I had a figure skating competition earlier and-"
"It's a good thing." Heeseung opened the thermos, leading Sunghoon into an empty practice room. "Your name. It's a good thing."
~
Daniel's eyes were wide. "You Pavloved him?"
Jay grinned. "I'm still surprised he never left Sunghoon for Jake."
"Shut up," Sunghoon huffed. "I didn't Pavlov him."
Yeonjun and Beomgyu gave him strange looks as they passed by, freshly showered.
Daniel shook his head in disbelief. "Wait, but then Jay hyung, how did you never notice Sunghoon hyung speaking informally?"
"I did, eventually." Jay shot Sunghoon a mischievous smirk. "It was-"
Sunghoon lunged to cover Jay's mouth with his hand. "He doesn't need to hear that story."
Daniel groaned. "Please?"
"Maybe later." Jay lowered his voice, gesturing at Sunghoon. "When he's not here."
Sunghoon rolled his eyes. "You get one more question, Daniel. Choose wisely."
The young boy hesitated for a second. "So Heeseung hyung's okay with you speaking informally? He wasn't mad when he found out?"
"Yeah, he didn't really care," Sunghoon replied. "It's just a bad habit for both of us at this point."
Sunghoon would rather die than admit it was a manner he never even attempted to fix, only because of Heeseung. It was comforting, knowing that no matter what happened between them, there'd always be one thing making their relationship unique. Now, he wasn't an inherently jealous person, but the idea of someone other than himself not using honorifics with Heeseung made him want to punch a wall.
"Uh, are you okay?" Jay waved a hand in his face.
"What? Oh. Yes." Sunghoon unclenched his fists. "Let's go help the others."
They made their way to the kitchen, joining the herd of boys that crowded around the table.
"Bad news, guys," Yeonjun sighed. "Heeseung's phone broke."
"And all the pictures of the files were on it," Beomgyu groaned, sliding the damaged device onto the table. "So pretty much everything we did was pointless."
"Did you try turning it on?" Sunoo questioned.
Neither of them responded.
He rolled his eyes, reaching for the phone. "It's just the screen that's cracked."
"You're so smart, Sunoo hyung." Ni-ki's attempt at a compliment came out sounding painfully sarcastic.
Sunoo ignored him, looking up. "What's the password?"
"Enhypen's debut date," Jungwon answered confidently.
Sunghoon held his breath, praying it'd work.
"It didn't work."
"Ah, fuck," Sunghoon muttered. He leaned over to type Heeseung's correct password, feeling his face heat up.
Jungwon frowned. "When did he change it?"
Sunghoon stared at a crumpled napkin, wishing he could disappear. "A while ago."
"His ears are so red," Ni-ki remarked.
Kai shook his head, amused. "Completely unnecessary, Ni-ki. Leave him alone."
An evil grin spread across Yeonjun's face. "It's your birthday, isn't it, pretty boy?"
Sunghoon was about to cry. "Shut up. And thank you, Kai."
"Done," Sunoo announced, setting aside Heeseung's phone. "I sent the files to our group chat."
Only one pocket in the room buzzed. Soobin's mouth fell open as they all checked their texts.
"You assholes," he marveled. "Everybody has the group chat on 'do not disturb' except me, huh."
Sunghoon hid a smile.
Ni-ki yawned. "Can we start going through them now?"
"No, it's getting-"
"No, it's time for-"
Soobin and Jungwon looked at each other.
"Sorry, you should-"
"Sorry, you go-"
They both stopped abruptly again.
For a brief moment, the dorm was still. Everyone could feel the tension without Heeseung. He balanced their group, acting as a bridge between TXT and the I-Landers. Without him, they were just two packs of five and seven, unfamiliar and unacquainted. Sunghoon hesitated to move, wondering if they were all really friends or not.
Jake laughed nervously, breaking the silence. "Who wants to brush first?"
"Yeonjun hyung, you go," Ni-ki smiled. "Since you need more time to put in your dentures."
Yeonjun rolled his eyes. "Has anyone seen the maknae's pacifier? He's getting awfully noisy."
"Hey, I'm not the maknae anymore," Ni-ki grinned, teasingly poking the youngest member's cheek.
Daniel immediately spun around. "Hey, Sunoo hyu-"
"Shut up!" Ni-ki hissed, dragging Daniel away.
Sunghoon watched the two boys bicker, exchanging confused glances with Sunoo.
Jake pulled him into the bathroom. "Fun day, huh?"
Sunghoon sighed, reaching for his toothbrush. "I just want this week to be over."
"Well," Jake laughed. "It's Wednesday. We're halfway there."
"I was scared."
Jake glanced at him, spitting out his toothpaste. "For Heeseung hyung?"
"No. That moment when Soobin hyung and Jungwon overlapped. I thought-" Sunghoon looked down. "Nevermind. It was stupid."
"I felt it too."
They made eye contact.
"Yeonjun hyung and Ni-ki proved us wrong pretty quick, though," Sunghoon whispered.
"Yeah." Jake rinsed his mouth. "But for a second, I think it was real. The division."
"No. It's just in our heads." Sunghoon began to brush his teeth. "We're all on one team."
Jake nodded firmly.
***
The flash of a metal blade.
That's all Sunghoon saw before his first fall on ice. He cried a lot that day. He was seven.
The flash of a camera.
It blinded Sunghoon for only a moment. He opened his eyes, but Heeseung was gone. People shoved their way towards him, reaching out, grabbing at his clothes, his bag, his hair, until bodyguards had to pull him through the crowded airport. Sunghoon didn't cry until he was safe on the plane, back in Heeseung's arms. He was seventeen.
The flash of lighting.
Sunghoon couldn't sleep. He was eighteen years old, and there was a storm outside.
He stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, illuminated only by a dim nightlight from the hallway. The floor creaked as he shut the door, letting shadow overtake his tiny cell. He found the darkness comforting, like a blanket hiding him from the world. Or maybe it simply hid the world from him. Either way, Sunghoon liked it.
The illusion of being alone.
There was barely ten minutes of solitary bliss before his eyes adjusted. Sunghoon closed them, longing for the wall of blackness to return. A thousand thoughts swirled through his mind, but only one held any influence. He splashed water on his face, desperately trying to forget.
If only Heeseung had Sunghoon's visuals.
The CEO had said it so casually as if he had spent an eternity contemplating the idea.
Sunghoon hated it.
He hated the way Heeseung looked at him.
He hated the CEO for hurting his friends.
And most of all, he hated himself for being upset.
Heeseung was the only person who had any right to be angry at the comment. It was targeted at him, meant to hurt him. And yet, Sunghoon couldn't stop himself from crying.
He wished his tears were for Heeseung, but they weren't.
He wished it was his empathy showing, but it wasn't.
He stared at his reflection again, knowing exactly what he was.
A doll.
Sunghoon was a doll and nothing more.
He sobbed silently, feeling like an idiot for being so weak. It was vain to be upset about being a visual; he had no right to be acting like this. And so he cried harder, frustrated at himself. Heeseung had even assured him of his worth, but it didn't matter. Nothing would ever change the truth: Sunghoon was just another pretty face to dress up, slap makeup on, and chuck in front of the cameras. He knew it, the CEO knew it, and the fans knew it. Months had passed since Sunghoon last read the comments under their posts.
He only debuted because of his visuals.
His singing was subpar at best.
He should've stuck to figure skating.
The last kind hurt the most. Sunghoon loved dancing on ice, just as much as he loved performing on a stage. There were many times when he missed his old career. Despite that, he never once doubted he was on the right path. Not during I-Land, not at their debut, not even when they were all unknown trainees. Jay and Heeseung had always been with him, encouraging him, cheering him on when no one else would. And so it was devastating, having both ripped away without a second to prepare.
Sunghoon laughed pathetically.
Jay was his friend. So was Jungwon. He should be happy for them. The two had a perfect relationship; there was never any doubt about it. He just wished Jay would've told him earlier instead of making up lies to sneak away.
And Heeseung?
Heeseung was nobody's fault but his own.
Sunghoon would give anything to go back, back to that morning at the river, back into Heeseung's sturdy arms. He closed his eyes, delicately touching the base of his neck, just above the shoulder blade.
Desperate and pathetic.
His attempt to revive the memory of Heeseung's cheek pressed against his skin was desperate and pathetic. Sunghoon tried to control his shaky breathing, reminding himself that he was the one who walked away. Heeseung had simply been too busy for a relationship. And he still was.
But none of it seemed to matter anymore.
Sunghoon didn't care if he was a priority or not. He'd take being Heeseung's side toy over being nothing at all.
The sound of footsteps faded into existence as someone made their way to the kitchen. Sunghoon slumped against the bathroom door, burying his face in his arms.
~
"Is this what you wanted?" Heeseung wrapped his hands around the underside of Sunghoon's legs, playfully tilting backward. "You happy now?"
~
"I'm not," Sunghoon whispered. "I miss you."
The memory didn't respond.
Sunghoon rested his forehead on his knees, staring miserably at the floor. Earlier that morning, Heeseung had played along with his antics at the photoshoot.
It was a mistake.
Sunghoon had allowed himself to get carried away, his mind clouded by infatuation as if he were a silly schoolboy. He would never let it happen again. Fifteen minutes of an illusion wasn't worth the pain he felt now. He knew it was time to let go of Heeseung, to say goodbye to the past. However uncertain the future may be, Sunghoon would have to learn to face it alone.
He left the bathroom, freezing at the sight of Jungwon and Soobin quietly talking at the kitchen table. They glanced over at him, observing his puffy red eyes and tear-stained shirt. Soobin stood up, opening his mouth to ask if he was okay, but Jungwon quickly stopped him. Sunghoon let out a shaky sigh, relieved he didn't have to answer any questions. His brain told him to join them. He should let out his insecurities and find support from those who were able to give.
But his heart didn't agree.
Before he knew it, Sunghoon found himself crawling into Heeseung's bed. He lay on the edge of the mattress, silently watching the sick boy's chest rise and fall. It was a cold night, and the bedroom was freezing, but still, Sunghoon refused to move closer. His respect for Heeseung and the fear that he'd never leave if he did keep him shivering at arm's length.
He knew he was making a mistake, but there was no turning back now.
One minute, that's all he gave himself.
One minute for the past.