"Give me the fucking cloth."
"No, I'm doin' it."
" No , I'm doing it - Phil tell him I'm doing it."
"Boys."
"You're not even doin' it right, just hand it over."
"I swear to god, give me the cloth."
"Wil, no."
Tommy blinks his eyes open blearily.
Where the fuck?
"Look what you've done-"
"What I've done?"
Three blurry figures hover above him.
Oh god. He's gone and died hasn't he? He's in heaven.
"Stop using your abilities for stupid shit Wil."
"I'm not . He's just fucking annoying me."
"Oh I'm sorry for tellin' you that can't put a soaking wet cloth on the kid's head."
"Oh like you're an expert. What are you? The cloth police?"
Maybe he's in hell?
"Shut the fuck up," Tommy croaks out, chest heaving.
The figures become clearer as they all turn to stare down at him.
What is this? His day of judgement?
Maybe he should have paid Fundy back that one time.
"Ello mate, how're you feeling?"
That voice. It's very familiar.
Tommy blinks once more and then squints.
Oh fuck.
That is Philza.
"Philza Minecraft," He whispers reverently, sitting up hastily, gripping the covers beneath him as the world spins for a moment.
The hero looks at him in confusion. "Minecraft?"
"Philza Minecraft," Tommy repeats, seriously.
"Um, okay," The man nods, "Not really sure what that means. I am Philza yes."
"You created Minecraft," Tommy says.
Philza stares at him, "Right."
"Thank you," He whispers, "You are the hero of people, a blessing to our nation, a frog in the setting sun. Philza Minecraft."
The man reaches out and gently pats Tommy's head. Tommy is never washing his hair again.
"I'm never washing my hair again," He tells him.
Philza laughs, "Jesus, fuck, you're really out of it kid."
The Blade snorts beside the winged man, "No, that's just him."
Tommy looks at the blade hero, eyes wide. Oh wow. This - this is poggers.
"Blade," He says in awe.
The hero raises an eyebrow, "I told you to call me Techno."
"Blade," He repeats.
The Blade huffs, "Techno."
"Blade?" Tommy questions.
"Techno."
Tommy furrows his brows in concentration, "Te- Tec- Tech-" The hero nods encouragingly. "Techie."
Tommy watches as the man goes through like, ten difference expressions in a matter of seconds, ending in a look of constipation.
"You need a shit too?" Tommy asks, so considerate as always.
"Don't call me that," Techie grimaces.
"Okay, Techie," Tommy agrees.
" No," Techie glares.
Tommy frowns, "Why?"
"That's not my name."
"Yeah it is," Tommy decides.
"No that's not how this works, my name is Techno."
"Techie."
"Techno."
"Techie."
"Techno."
"Techie," Tommy giggles.
"I won't reply to anything but Techno," Techie says.
Tommy frowns, "Techie."
The man stays silent.
Well that's just fucking rude.
"Techie," He tries again.
Tommy feels his bottom lip tremble, "Te-Techie," He warbles.
He watches the man's eyes widen in... in fear?
"Techie," He repeats, tears springing to his eyes.
"Okay, okay," Techie hastily puts his hands up, "Stop crying. Call me what you want."
The tears do an uno reverse back into Tommy's head.
He giggles, "Techie, Techie, Techie."
He watches Techie groan, placing a palm on his face in frustration.
"Hey, hey Techie you - you got that sword? The poggers one? Can I play with it?" Tommy asks excitedly, squirming in the bed, ready to get out and be fucking awesome.
He goes to stand up and almost immediately crumples to the ground if not for a pair of arms wrapping around his torso.
He frowns in confusion.
Tommy glances up at his saviour and sees the Willow.
Oh shit. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck this is so cool no it isn't yes it is no it isn't the Willow is holding you that's kinda pog no no it's not he's going to die when did Willow get here was he here the whole time what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck he's kinda hungry ew no ranboob's soup what the fuck there was spaghetti why was there spag-
"Oh my god it's Willow," Tommy cuts off his own internal monologue to gape up at the man.
The man in question looks weird again. Why does he keep looking at him like that?
"Wilbur," The man says.
Tommy lets out a noise of confusion, "Wha?"
"Call me Wilbur," Willow says.
"Wil-Willo- Wil- Wilby," He smiles up at the man.
"N- No," Wilby hisses, " Wilbur, say it, say Wilbur."
Tommy giggles, "Wilby."
" Say Wilbur," Wilby insists.
"Wilby," Tommy laughs.
Philza Minecraft lets out an amused huff, "Wil give it up, he's null to your bullshit."
Tommy watches as Wilby throws a fierce glare at Philza Minecraft.
Tommy is set back on the bed and tucked back under the covers. He squirms immediately, kicking out his legs.
"Ow fuck! Stop kicking me," Wilby orders. Tommy kicks him in the chest.
"You - you can't contain me, I'm - I'm Tommy- Tommy," He buffers, letting out a cough, "Tommy vigilante boy and I am a certi- certificated glock wielder."
Techie snorts, watching in delight as Wilby struggles to detain him.
He's too powerful. Tommy's pogness is off the charts right now.
" Just stay fucking still. You're literally sick, how do you have this much energy?" Wilby curses.
Tommy cackles, "I am - I am god."
Philza Minecraft grins, "You heard the kid, he's god Wil."
"None of you guys are helping so shut the fuck up," Wilby seethes.
"Woah that's like, rude big man," Tommy frowns, disappointed. "When you speak you should think, is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? And better yet, is it kind?"
Wilby stares at him in a mixture of irritation and bewilderment, "Did you get that off Pinterest?"
Tommy shakes his head, "Tubbo made me recite it for an hour after I told a man that his dog was ugly."
Wilby stares.
"He was really ugly," Tommy justifies, "And he bit me in the ankle."
Wilby stares some more.
This is kinda awkward.
Maybe.
Should it be awkward?
"Anyways," Tommy drawls, "What brings you here?"
"This is my house."
"Cool, cool, cool," Tommy nods, "Nice. How'd I get here?"
"You tried to fight me and then you passed out."
Tommy pauses, "You napped me," He whispers, aghast.
Wilby frowns, "I didn't nap you."
"Where's Clementine my beloved?"
Wilby sighs, leaning down to pick up a bottle off the floor.
Tommy freezes. "That's not her bottle," He stares at the Coca Cola wrapping in disgust.
How could they have done this?
Wilby snorts, "Yeah, I know, that bottle was disgusting and filled with bits of cereal. What the fuck have you been doing to her?"
Tommy bristles, "Don't - don't question my parenting skills."
Wilby rolls his eyes, chucking the bottle at him.
Tommy cradles Clementine to his chest. He narrows his eyes at Wilby, "You - you need to leave me alone, I'm having a private discussion."
"No chance."
Tommy grumbles incoherently. No manners with this guy, honestly.
" Clementine, what's the situation? Are we trapped? Have you figured out an escape route?" He whispers.
Clementine does a flip.
"That's - that's not good. Clementine, we are in mortal danger."
Clementine stares at him.
"What? Wilby? No, I don't like him. He's stupid."
Clementine blows a bubble.
"No that's fucking stupid. I'm not even sick anymore."
Clementine stares.
"I'm not. "
"You sure about that Tommy?"
"Yes I'm sure, respect your father."
"No."
" Clementine , you've developed an attitude in this bottle. That's unacceptable. I will downgrade you to an orange juice carton."
"As if."
"I will."
"Are you done?" Wilby interrupts, staring between Tommy and his daughter in exasperation.
"You've cor- corrected - no," That's not the right word, "Cor- corrupted, you've corrupted my daughter."
Wilby sighs, pinching his nose, " Shut the fuck up. Can you do that? Is that even possible? Oh my god , of all the people to resist my abilities, did it have to be you?"
Tommy nods, seriously, "Ayup."
The hero throws his hands up in frustration, or deep agony. Tommy can't really tell.
"Calm down, chill out big man, have a carrot or something," Tommy placates, "Some bitches just be mad all time," He rolls his eyes, before adding. "You're bitches."
Wilby stares at him, deep deep hatred burning in his eyes. Or maybe it's just tears.
"Like you're always mad, what's your deal? I'm just straight vibin'," Tommy shrugs.
"Straight vibing?"
Tommy nods, "Straight vibin' big man."
"I can't do this, I can't do this," Wilby starts to whisper.
Tommy shares a worried glance with Clementine.
Jeez.
"You ever considered therapy Wilby?"
Wilby picks up a pillow and chucks it at him. "Be fucking quiet. I'm trying so hard to not murder you right now."
"Not hard enough obviously," Tommy snorts and then giggles, "Heh. That's - that's she said."
Wilby frowns, "What, that - that doesn't even make sense?"
"You've never had a woman say that's she's trying so hard not to murder you? Amateur," Tommy sighs.
"Who are you?" Wilby cries, head in hands.
"TommyInnit," He chirps.
"Just go back to sleep," Wilby pleads.
"M'not tired. What if you murder me?"
Wilby sighs, "Didn't I do that stupid ritual?"
Tommy giggles, "That was just to make you look fucking dumb."
Wilby glares.
"Okay, okay. Let's do a pinky promise?" Tommy suggests excitedly, wriggling his pinky.
"You are such a child ," The man snorts.
Tommy frowns, lowering his pinky. "M'not a child," He scowls, "Fine. No pinkies."
Wilby stares at him. Tommy watches as he goes through a seemingly unpleasant thought process that ends with a defeated expression.
Wilby shoves his pinky finger out towards him, eyes averted. "Come on, let's just fucking do it."
"Really?" Tommy questions, hope rising in his chest.
"I'm not going to ask again, hurry up," The man grunts.
Tommy hastily raises his pinky, linking it quickly with the other.
Wilby sighs, "I promise not to murder you."
Tommy grins, happy, "That's pog."
Wilby turns to look at him, expression changing to something softer. "Shut up."
"Hey, when are you gonna let them speak?" Tommy gestures to Techie and Philza Minecraft.
"Never."
_____
"You're looking after him awfully carefully, Wil," Techno grins as he watches his twin settle the sleeping teenager into the bed.
"Shut up."
"I'm just saying', not very villain arc of you," Techno hums.
Wilbur brushes some sweaty strands of hair out of Tommy's face softly, "I hate him."
Techno snorts, "You do? Really?"
"He's the bane of my existence," The man says as he fluffs up the pillows around the boy.
"I'm sure," Techno muses, "Absolutely despicable right?"
Wilbur nods as he combs his fingers through the boy's hair, a small smile tugging at his lips when Tommy leans into his touch, "The worst. I'll murder him."
"Yeah, I can see that," Techno rolls his eyes,
"I hate him," Wilbur insists.
"Yup, sure Wil."
_____
Tommy is living his best life. It's true.
To be honest, he has no idea where he is. But he has Clementine and the fucking best sword in existence. So things like location and safety aren't a priority.
He swings out the sword with a whoosh. "Nyoom!" He says eloquently.
"I am TommyInnit and I have the blade ," He narrates, slashing and slicing up anything in his path.
There's no monsters or villains though, so he settles for cutting up the curtains and couches.
" Clementine, I am at full pog. One day you will reach this potential and be-" He sneezes, "be cool like me."
He lifts the sword to the ceiling. "I am harnessing the power of the gods! Pog beam!"
"What the hell are you doing?"
Tommy screams, spinning around to point the sword at Philza Minecraft.
"Oh," He says, "Philza Minecraft, what are you doing here?"
The man in question is staring at him in something akin to wonder, "How did you get out of the bedroom?"
"I walked?"
"But I, I put up-" The hero cuts himself off with a sigh, "I don't know why I'm surprised. Where did you even get Techno's sword?"
"Found it."
"Where mate?"
Tommy shrugs. "I dunno. Where are we?"
Philza Minecraft looks at him in concern. The hero carefully nudges the sword aimed at him towards the floor and places a hand on Tommy's forehead.
His palm feels so cool. Tommy melts into it. A hand snakes around his waist to stop him from falling.
"You're still burning up mate, why can't you just stay in bed?"
"Sword pog."
Philza Minecraft snorts, looking at him with something weirdly soft in his eyes, "Sword pog," He agrees.
Tommy grins.
"Alright, back to bed with you then," The man declares, hoisting the boy over his shoulder.
Tommy lets out a gasp as his world is tilted upside down. "No bed," He whines.
"Ah ah," The man tuts, "Not gonna work with me."
Tommy pouts. Damn it.
Then he looks down at the wings on Philza Minecraft's back and lets out a manly squeal. Oh god Philza Minecraft is carrying him and he has wings.
This is awesome.
Tommy grasps at a bunch of feathers on the man's wings, marvelling at the softness.
"Wings," He says reverently.
Philza Minecraft is so majestic. The only man ever.
"You're the only man ever," He tells him.
He feels the way the hero laughs, jostling them. "Thanks mate."
"Philza Minecraft," Tommy says just for the sake of saying it.
"TommyInnit," The man says back and Tommy can hear the smile in his voice. He giggles.
_____
"Tommy, can you let me go mate?"
Tommy tightens his fingers on the feathers. "You are a hostage."
Philza Minecraft sighs. "That's great mate, now let me go."
Tommy shakes his head. "Stay."
"No I've got to get your medicin-"
"Stay."
Philza Minecraft stares at him, "Mate-"
"Stay."
"I'll come back I-"
"Stay."
"Okay, fuck," The man sighs, slumping back against the bed.
Tommy snuggles further against him, hands still attached to the wings.
"Bird."
The hero huffs, "Not a bird."
"Birdza."
The man chuckles, "You're so out of it."
"Birdza."
"Okay mate."
____
"Fucking open your mouth."
Tommy clamps his jaw shut.
There is no way in hell that he's drinking that shit.
"I swear to god, it doesn't even taste bad," Wilby tries to persuade.
Does Tommy look gullible? Does he?
Wilby stares at him, eyes narrowed. "Your hoodie is fucking ugly."
Tommy gasps, deeply offended, "How-"
The hero shoves the spoonful into his mouth.
It's vile. Disgusting. Horrific. Absolutely terrible... it tastes pretty good. Cherry flavoured.
This is unacceptable. He will not accept this L.
He spits it back out into the man's face.
" Motherfucker!"
_____
"No, no way," Tommy scoots further up the bed. "Uh uh," He shakes his head rapidly.
"It's just soup," Techie drawls.
"You don't understand what soup has done to me."
"It's soup," Techie says, deadpan.
Tommy hesitates, "I have trauma."
Techie lowers the bowl, "Really? I don't like, actually want to traumatise you."
Tommy sniffs, tears prickling at his eyes, "Sorry, it's just, I'm being dramatic."
The hero sits down on the bed, "Tell me about it."
Tommy heaves in a shaky breath, "Sorry, this is really hard for me to say," He whispers, wiping at his tears, "It almost feels like yesterday," He shudders, "When I was forced to drink soup," He pauses, "With spaghetti in it."
The man stares at him. He stares for a long time.
He shoves the bowl into Tommy's lap. "Drink the soup."
It turns out to be pretty good.
____
Ranboo shivers.
Tubbo glances at him in confusion, "You alright?"
He nods, "Yeah, just felt like someone was slandering me."
Tubbo hums, "Huh, that's nice."
Ranboo frowns, "It's actually not, funnily enough."
Tubbo pats his back in condolence. "Come on, help me hang up more posters." The shorter boy shoves a bunch of papers into his arms.
Ranboo looks down at the posters sceptically, "Are you sure these will work?"
Tubbo stares at him, "Yeah, why not?"
Ranboo squints, lifting a poster to read it, "I dunno, something about it saying 'I lost my bitchass roommate again. He's annoying as fuck and keeps running away but I still love him. Plus, I already bought him shit and I don't want to return stuff. Please bring him back, his name is TommyInnit. He probably won't respond to it cuz' he's a little shit though.' Is a bit... " Ranboo trails off, not sure how to word it. "Unprofessional?" He tries.
Tubbo shrugs, "I think it's appropriate for him, now start sticking them to those trees over there."
_____
"Wilby I'm bored."
Wilby grunts from his position beside him.
"Wilby."
"What?"
"I'm bored."
The hero groans, "Go to sleep. "
"Let's play a game."
"No."
"It will be fun, I promise," Tommy smiles, "Right Clementine?" He turns to his daughter, who does a backflip. "See? Clementine agrees."
Wilby sighs. He's got that QDE™️ look. "Okay," He agrees.
Tommy grins, "Okay, you just have to guess what I'm saying."
"Alright?" Wilby nods, looking lost.
"Okay, starting now," Tommy announces before speaking, "?????"
Wilby stares at him. "What the fuck."
"No that's not it, try again," Tommy shakes his head, "?????"
"How are you doing that?" Wilby whispers, eyes wide.
Tommy frowns, "That's still not right. Are you even trying?" He pouts, "???????"
"What the fuck."
"You've said that one already," Tommy sighs. This game isn't that fun. "The word was Pogness."
"How- how did you? Am I the only one? How is that even possible?" Wilby whispers in disbelief.
This guy has serious issues.
"I dunno what you're talkin' about, but there are five stages to grief and they don't always happen in order," Tommy soothes, patting the man's back. "You're going to be okay Wilby."
"What the fuck ."
_____
Tommy wakes up with a mild headache and severe embarrassment.
"Oh fuck," He whispers to himself. Technoblade is resting at the end of the bed, sleeping.
This is terrible. Truly.
He looks down at Clementine. "We never speak of this. I did not call the Willow, Wilby . I also never said Techie or Birdza ," He shudders.
Truly a humiliating day for TommyInnit.
"Now Clementine, we were never here," He tells her, stealthily escaping the bed and diving out the window.
_____
Tommy unlocks the apartment door with a sigh.
"Tommy?"
Oh fuck. Fuck, shit, fuck, more shit.
"Yeah?"
Tubbo pops his head out from the kitchen to smile at him, "Nice of you to show up."
"Haha, yeah," Tommy nods, "Good to see you big man."
"I suggest you put Clementine down," Tubbo advises with a smile.
Tommy sighs, placing Clementine on the floor as he prepares for his defenestration.
_____
"Techno! Techno wake the fuck up!" Wilbur hisses.
Phil is worriedly looking out the window.
" Wake up."
Techno startles into awareness, eyes blearily looking up at his twin. "Bruh, I was sleepin."
"Where's Tommy?" Wilbur seethes.
Techno opens his mouth, finger raised only to lower it as he glances over at the empty bed. "He was here."
"How the fuck did you miss him escaping?" Wilbur throws his hands up.
Techno shrugs, "Sleepin."
Wilbur glares at him, "Yeah, well you can go and sleep outside. Do a backflip out the window."
Phil narrowly moves out of way to avoid Techno as he shoots out into the open air.
He sighs.
"Wil... "
— —