Where the subject flat out denies claims or allegations.
03 November 2015
Tuesday
00:30 a.m.
Moonlight poured in from the wall-length windows but the hallways still retained their eerie darkness. Emilia slid under the yellow caution tape and pushed open Elowen's door. The room she'd visited, slept in, laughed in, cried in looked lonely without its previous laughter and chatter. Her room was quite pristine for something that had been thoroughly searched by inspectors.
Or had the Dean lied about that too?
Emilia closed the door behind her and locked it. She pulled the surgical mask off her face and the beanie on her head followed. She knew this was a terrible idea but she was submerged too deep to swim out.
The beam of her flashlight scanned the room. A room Emilia had been to a thousand times. She could close her eyes and be able to tell which thing was where but now she wasn't so sure. What had instigated the killer to kill both her and Charlie. She knew Elowen wasn't the best of people but Charlie? He was always good to his peers.
Emilia let out a small sigh and began searching. She ruffled through the clothes hanging in Elowen's closet making sure to check each pocket for anything. She knew that the inspectors were here first but there are places only she and the gang know about.
Their secrets weren't meant for just about anyone and she knew she had to come here before the other girls otherwise her one shot at proving them all innocent would go down the drain. She didn't trust the others as much for all she knew they'd hand over all the evidence to the police who might hold the rest liable for lying to them.
She pulled her pocket knife out and punctured the cracks in the wardrobe walls. Emilia recalled a drunk Elowen telling her something about a secret compartment somewhere in her room. Elowen mentioned something about puncturing the cracks till the tile gave away. Emilia prised the tile away, careful not to make a sound.
And just as she expected a small cupboard was behind it. Her hand stopped mid-air as she thought about the possibility of each dorm having a secret compartment. A false bottom in their drawers, a secret passageway. Their school might be built on a cemetery decades ago but ancient people always had secret passageways and the school never got a permit to redesign the structure.
Pushing her thoughts aside, she pulled the tiny cupboard open and a bunch of letters spilt out. She flipped through them, a number of them addressed to Rosé whilst the rest were addressed to Charlie. Emilia found it strange that her best friend wouldn't even address a single letter to her and what did these letters contain?
A dark secret?
The possible perpetrator?
Emilia hastily shoved the letters into her jeans pocket. She regretted not carrying a bag with her but disposing of all of the items would become a hassle. Her fingers brush against a photo frame; a picture of the five of them at the pool before high school.
Her jaw clenched as she took in their carefree smiles and awkward poses. But then they didn't care. No one cared about how Clare and Astrid looked at each other, no one cared about how Emilia's thighs had stretch marks around the corners, no one cared about Rosé's frizzy hair. They didn't care if their wardrobe was up to date or if their poses were cringy. They only cared about each other.
Emilia put the frame back where she found it. Her eyes fell on the jar filled with candies. The sweetest but terrible toffies. Elowen said that it had too many calories and would cause you to break out. Emilia chuckled eyeing the jar of toffies, she slipped two into her pocket.
Even Elowen had her cheat days, but why didn't she tell anyone else about it?
Elowen wouldn't be anything less in their eyes if she'd let her perfect facade fall once in a while. Flaws made you pretty. Your imperfections are beautiful. Emilia placed the loose tile back in place and closed Elowen's wardrobe before moving around to search the rest of the room.
Unfortunately, she didn't find anything else that would help her. She slipped out of her room and down the stairs before disappearing into the darkness of the night.
03 November 2015
Tuesday
04:30 a.m
Emilia hadn't managed to get a wink of sleep. Her fingers itched to open the envelopes laying in her dresser drawer and her eyes burned to read the words etched on the pages. She peeled the covers off and grabbed the lot of letters. She huddled back to her bed and buried herself in the covers. Her fingers traced Elowen's writing on the cover of the envelope.
She realized that she hadn't shed a single genuine tear for her best friend. Elowen wasn't the best person on the block but she was still her friend. Something within her ached. The genuine feelings for El which she'd locked up bubbled to the surface and within seconds Emilia felt the tears streaking her cheeks and dotting the comforter.
She sniffled and wiped her nose on the back of her hand, determined not to let these new emotions get the best of her. She opened the letter addressed to Charlie and for a moment she felt her heart freeze over.
The ink was blurred with what seemed like tears and red slashes adorned the paper like some newfound method of making everything seem dark. The words were illegible and it seemed like El had written them when she was drunk for her writing was askew, blurred and scratched over.
Emilia exhaled sharply, slipping the letter back in the envelope she moved onto the next one addressed to Charlie.
Her eyes widened as she soaked in the words and her brain shut down. She tried to process everything she'd just read. Invading her dead friend's privacy was one thing but being lied to about everything she'd known was a tougher pill to swallow.
What if she liked her reality the way it was; untrue and deadly.
Maybe she didn't want to believe in the words on this page. Maybe she wanted to pretend all this was just a bad nightmare. Maybe she didn't want to hurt herself with the truth.
Dear Charlie
U fucking asshole. U disgusting jerk. This is all my fault but u never once ever looked at me. U never stopped to ask me how I was n what I was doing. U never turned around and asked me if I was okay when I scraped my knee back in third grade and I only ever yearned for your attention, your affection. And then I lied to you. I didn't sleep with your father, I just wanted you to be mine. The video was fake, all we did was kiss, he blacked out. He was too drunk but u, u believed me. You put family before family. U tried to save your dad and Rosé. You hated my touch. You'd go out of your way to avoid me n that hurt terribly, Charlie.
I forced you into something you never wanted to do, it's almost sexual assault. But back then I didn't care. Once twice, thrice and I got addicted. Like a drug, you pulled me in and ruined me and destroyed me and shattered me until there was nothing left in me but debris and hatred. I was an empty shell that thrived on your attention, your touch and I lived to dig my acrylics in your and Rosé's relationship.
This is the most pathetic way to apologize, ik but I really wanted to get my emotions thru to you. I know this letter will never ever get to you but I wanted you to know that I'm terribly sorry and that I'm going to leave soon. Charlie, I'm leaving you and Rosé. I don't deserve to be her friend, she's too good for me. Too naive, too innocent, too forgiving. She's more than what I deserve. She deserves someone like you, someone who went to great lengths to protect her.
And Charlie don't ever forgive me for ruining your life, but just know that I loved you.
That I love you.
That I will always love you.
Deeply
Irrevocably
Eternally
Forever.
Emilia closed the letter and tried to calm herself. Her eyes read over the words again as she tried to comprehend that her best friend had been in love with her other best friends boyfriend since forever. The hurt, the pain seemed inconsequential to Emilia when she realized that Elowen had forced Charlie to have sex with her and she'd done more than ruin him; she'd physically and mentally traumatized him.
But if she had Charlie why did she go after Lucas?
The question rang through her head like an annoying alarm on a school morning. Why Lucas when she could have any guy she wanted? Why Lucas when she liked Charlie? It wasn't to make him jealous, Charlie didn't even give Elowen a second glance. Emilia sighed and then opened the second letter. Too many questions and no answers would eat her up like a bunch of pariahs.
Dear Charlie
Jealousy, hatred and malice would never do anything justice but today you called me downstairs to meet you and my heart swelled for just a fraction of a second until I realized your words sounded off. You didn't seem like the Charlie who texted Rosé. You seemed cold, like the front you always put up around me.
Hope swelled in my heart until I pushed it down. You like her- you LOVE her, I saw the promise ring around her neck, I saw the blush on her cheeks whenever she touched it. I see the way you look at each other. The way yall pretend yalls relationship is crumbling but it isn't.
Even if you come to me, you will always be hers. You'll never be mine. I'll never own every single fragment of your heart. I'll just be another girl, a rebound until you crawl back to Rosé. So please, please believe me when I tell you that I'm sick of myself just as much as you are with me. I hate myself beyond comprehension just like you hate me. Even more.
The hate that festers in your heart for me I can see it in your eyes, your words, your actions. It's cruel, isn't it? This world, how I love you so but can never have you. I can never call you mine, I can never hold you and kiss you goodnight.
I'm sorry Charlie, and I know sorry doesn't fix anything but still. Words won't patch up the wounds in your heart, it won't patch up the pain I've inflicted on you but at least you would know that I repent. That I hate what I did even if I don't show it.
Throughout my life, I learnt that emotions make us weak. I've learnt that if I ever want anything, I should just go in and take it without worrying about other people and their feelings. I've hurt everyone close to me and now I wish to stop.
I want to stop. When I saw you crying in Rosés arms I knew I'd lost. I knew you'd never be mine and that hurt more than being burnt for eternity. That hurt more than a breaking heart. My soul shattered and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Charlie.
I'm extremely sorry.
Emilia sniffled. She wasn't the least bit aware of the things going on between Charlie and Elowen and how painful it must've been for both. How painful it'll be for Rosé when she finds out. Emilia shook her head, there was no way Rosé was going to read these letters. She'd been through enough as is.
Emilia rubbed her eyes, it was five. She had three hours before class started her mind darted on the possibility of bunking. Deciding against it, she threw on a pair of sweat pants and a sweater. She pulled a jacket on for extra protection against the cold. Their dorms might be heated but the same couldn't be said for the hallways.
She walked down the hallway and stopped in front of a door identical to her own. She knocked on the door twice and entered. A hunched figure stood by the window. Blankets draped across her trembling frame.
"Rosé", Emilia whispered. She wrapped her arms around Rosé and soothingly rubbed her hair. "It hurts", Emilia whispered and Rosé sobbed in affirmation.
"It hurts so bad, Em. It feels like my heart is being ripped out."
Rosé snuggled deeper into Emilia's chest. Her heart felt numb and her mind was a mess of thoughts and what-ifs. Her head hurt to the point that she'd turned off her phone and cried into her pillow so hard that it was a soggy mess of cloth and cotton.
Rosé burned for revenge but she knew she didn't have it in her to avenge Charlie, all she wanted to do was see him again. She eyed the rope on her bedside table and gulped when an image of her mother flashed in her head.
NO.
She wouldn't hurt her mother like that.
She was going to stay.
Just for a little while, till the pain became unbearable.
And then she'd free herself of the misery.