Chapter 59
(Hope)
I watched some of the workers as they lift the buckets of cement to give it to their co-workers on the scaffoldings. There's an enough number of them working on the repair of our mansion. The damages are not that big and plenty anyway. Only the front part of the house itself as well as the garden and the gate along with the walls were affected from the attack on that night.
It's only been weeks since then. Palagi pa rin akong dinadalaw ng halo-halong pakiramdam na hindi ko na dapat pang pinagtutuonan ng pansin lalo na sa kondisyon ko. But I can't help it. Knowing that there are a lot casualties, especially Alessandro. But like what we always do whenever there are turbulent times like this, we just try our best to forgive ourselves and only hope for their forgiveness too. As much as we can, kailangan naming mag-move forward.
Malapit nang matapos ang pag-repair sa bahay. Mas pinili naming manatili pa rin dito kahit na ginagawa pa dahil hindi naman apektado ang looban.
Tumabi ako sa shed nang medyo sumakit ang sikat ng araw. Ten AM na kasi kaya naman hindi na din magandang magpaaraw. Naupo na lang ako sa mga nakahilerang upuan sa palibot ng gazebo at tahimik na tinanaw ang ginagawang bahay namin. I am wearing my usual floral flowy dress and flat sandals.
Napabaling ako sa may playground nang marinig muli ang hagikgik ng mga anak. Pinanood ko silang tuwang tuwa na tumatakbo at nagpapahabol kina Alek. Naroon din at nakikipaglaro sa kanila sina Rob at ang nag-iisang tauhan ni Valter na si Daniel. It's good to see grown-ass men playing around like this. Who would've thought that these men can be dangerously scary? Only my kids can soften them like this.
Hindi ko napigilang matawa ng malakas nang makitang nadapa si Alek dahil sa kakahabol kay Clay. Ang anak ko naman ay imbes na tulungan ang Tito ay tinawanan niya pa ito ng malakas. That's so mean! But what do I expect when all of them laughed at how ridiculous Aleksandar looked when he fell on the ground. Nakakatawa naman kasi talaga!
Nagkunwari itong galit at isa isang sinamaan ng tingin ang lahat ng tumawa sa kanya. He immediately got on his feet and ran faster to catch the culprits. While they're on their chaotic game, I looked at Carie who is running slowly, but laughing so hard as well. Itong batang ito kahit na ang liit liit, mahilig din sa mga ganito eh! Ayaw ko sana pasalihin dahil baka masaktan pa, ang kaso ay iiyak naman kapag ganoon.
It's a good thing that Rodion and Mikhail are always looking out for her. They would even stop running and just guard my daughter from the chaos.
Sa huli, nadakip ni Alek si Clay at hindi tinigilan sa pagkiliti bilang parusa. Walang tigil sa kakatawa si Clay na halatang nagugustuhan naman ang ginagawa ng Tito Alek niya.
"Let's play a safer game this time. We'll let Carie choose," suhestyon ni Rodion upang bigyan ng spotlight ang bunso.
Agad na pumalakpak si Carie at nagtatalon dahil sa excitement. Nagkumpulan sila at nag-usap usap sa kung ano ang sunod na lalaruin.
When they finally decided what the game will be, they immediately dispersed and started looking for places to hide. Hide and seek pala ang napili nilang laro at si Alek na naman ang taya.
Nagbilang ng hanggang sampu si Alek habang naka-blindfold pa. Napailing naman ako nang makitang halata masyado ang pinagtataguan ng iba sa kanila. Tuloy, nakita agad ni Alek sina Artem at Leonid na sinubukang magtago sa mga halamanan. Nagpatuloy pa si Alek sa paghahanap sa iba. Natagalan ito dahil sa lawak ng lugar at dami ng maaaring pagtaguan lalo na ng dalawang bata.
I slightly shook my head again and laughed a bit when he caught Rob and Danny this time. He saw Rob hiding in the storage room, and Danny in the garage. He went on and continued to look for the remaining players, including my kids. I know where they are because I saw them hiding. Magkasama ngayon si Clay, Carie, Rodion, Mikhail, at Maxim. Good luck nalang sa kanila kung hindi sila mahanap sa sobrang dami nilang naroon sa isa pang halamanan na mas makapal.
Magtatagumpay na sana sila sa pagtatago kung hindi lang sumigaw ng malakas si Carie dala ng tuwa.
"Vanny!" dinig na dinig ang kaligayahan sa boses nito nang makita kung sino ang mga dumating. "Kuya, look! Vanny is here."
She's right. Vanellope is here with her mother. Ang tagal na ding hindi nakakapunta dito ang mag-inang ito. Last time I checked them, their maid said that they took a vacation somewhere which is weird dahil wala namang nabanggit si Celestine sa akin.
Tuluyan nang lumabas sina Clay at Carie sa pinagtataguan, kasunod ang mga tito nila. Natapos na ang game doon dahil agad na tumakbo ang mga anak ko sa dati nilang kalaro.
Carie hugged her Ate Vanny when she reached her. Vanny laughed and hugged her back. Iginiya sila ni Clay papunta sa loob ng bahay na para bang may gustong ipakita. I'm betting he's gonna show off his new toy collection to Vanellope. Masaya namang sumama sa kanila si Vanny habang ang mga barako ay nagkanya kanyang alis para magpahinga o pagkaabalahan ang iba pang bagay.
I smiled when I saw Celestine approaching. I stood up, but stayed on my place to welcome her.
"Hi!" Bati niya bago nakipagbeso sa akin.
"Hello..." I looked at her wearily, but saw that nothing has changed with her. She's still the same except that her hair is short now. She's also wearing a simple knee-length white dress. "Maupo ka," mwestra ko sa katabing upuan sa loob ng gazebo.
"Thanks," aniya bago tinanggap ang offer ko. Napatingin siya sa bahay namin na para bang may inaabangan o baka naman may gustong iwasan? Kumunot ang noo ko dahil doon.
I'm pretty sure she's not watching the workers because from the way she looks at our house... it's like she's uneasy.
"Okay ka lang?" Nag-aalalang tanong ko.
Agad siyang napabaling sa akin. Sa itsura niya, parang nagulat pa ata siya sa biglaang pagsasalita ko. Like I interrupted her train of thoughts.
"H-Huh?" Napakurap kurap siya. Lalo naman kumunot ang noo ko. She then laughed when she realized she's being dazed. "U-Uh, ano... wala naman. Ayos lang ako!"
Ngumiti siya. Nanatili namang naghahanap ang mga mata ko.
"Sure ka?"
She nodded merrily and smiled again. "Oo naman! I'm fine, Ate. Bakit mo naman natanong?"
I'm not buying that but I just let her be. Kung ayaw niyang magsabi, hindi ako mamimilit. She must have a big reason for keeping something from me. Come to think of it, though, she and Vanny stopped visiting us a few months ago. At kung tama ako ay iyon ang mga panahong hindi pa nagbabalik si Clade sa amin at abala naman si Valter na tulungan ang asawa ko para makabalik.
Does this... have something to do with that?
Muli akong napatingin sa kanya. Nang mapansin ang tila takot niyang ekspresyon ay agad akong natauhan. I smiled at her and immediately changed the topic.
"Tagal n'yong hindi nakabisita, ah? May I ask kung saan kayo nagpunta? Hindi mo kasi nabanggit sa akin na may bakasyon pala kayo. Hanap hanap tuloy nung dalawa si Vanny."
"A-Ah... nagbakasyon lang kami sa ano... sa bahay ng pinsan ko, Ate. Naisip lang namin ni Vanny na bisitahin siya." She laughed nervously again.
I sighed and just ignored her weird reactions. "Ganoon ba? Well then, kamusta naman?"
"Ayos lang. Masaya naman doon sa kanila. Natuwa din si Vanellope. Marami kasing tanawin na pwedeng pasyalan gaya ng bundok at falls."
"That's good." Tumango ako. "Maganda nga din naman na makapunta sa ibang lugar iyong bata."
She nodded in agreement with what I said and remained silent. Akala ko ay dahil wala na siyang masabi ngunit nang sundan ko ang tingin niya sa harapan ay mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko.
Clade and Valter are both on their way to us. Both are wearing casual clothes. Clade is in his plain black shirt, pants, and rubber shoes. Valter, on the other hand, is wearing his blue button-down shirt, pants, and black boat shoes. Both of them look so much alike if only they don't differ in style and with their hair color too.
Hula ko ay tapos nang mag-usap ang dalawa sa opisina ni Clade. He told me earlier that he needed to talk to his brother for something important. Muli akong napatingin kay Celestine na bahagyang balisa. Nagbaba ito ng tingin at tila ayaw na ayaw salubungin ang dalawang palapit.
Dala ng pagtataka ay lumipat ang tingin ko sa kambal. Clade is looking intently at me with his usual soft expression. Habang si Valter naman ay... nakatitig kay Celestine? I'm not sure why, but he's really looking at the woman beside me. His expression screams darkness, though.
"Are you okay here? Isn't the heat of the sun too much for you?" Clade asked as he kissed my cheek.
Umiling ako at bahagyang ngumiti. "I'm fine... By the way, this is Celestine. She's a neighbor of ours. Her daughter, Vanellope, is Clay and Carie's playmate."
Pinakilala ko siya sa dalawa dahil alam kong ngayon palang nila ito nakita. Although, Valter already knows Vanny for they already interacted several times with each other before, ngayon palang nagkita si Celestine at Valter.
"Nice to meet you," nakangiting naglahad ng kamay si Clade.
Normal na inabot ni Celestine iyon at mabilis na sinulyapan si Clade upang ngitian. When it was Valter's turn, I saw her getting more uneasy. Hindi na niya maangat ang tingin.
"It's nice to... see you." Bati ni Valter at naglahad din ng kamay.
Matagal bago tinanggap ni Celestine ang kamay ni Valter. It took her a moment to calm herself down and reach for it. Iyon nga lang ay hindi talaga siya tumingin ng diretso kay Valter.
"S-Same here." She replied.
Dahil hindi ko na kaya, nagtanong na ako. "Is there a problem?" Nagpabalik balik ang tingin ko sa dalawa. May iba akong pakiramdam sa tungo nila sa isa't isa eh... May hinala na din ako pero ayaw kong diretsuhin bilang respeto.
"A-Ah! Ate, naalala ko palang m-may kailangan akong asikasuhin saglit sa bayan. Iwan ko muna saglit dito si Vanny. Susunduin ko nalang mamayang gabi." Agad siyang tumayo at umambang aalis na.
"Ganoon ba?" Sabi ko pero halos hindi na niya pansinin dahil sa pagmamadali. Mabilis ang lakad niya paalis. Natulala naman kami saglit dahil sa nangyari.
Matapos titigan ni Valter ang pag-alis ni Celestine ay bumaling ito sa amin gamit ang blankong ekspresyon. "I need to go to my company for a while. I'll be back at dinner."
Tumango lang kami ni Clade. Tinanaw namin ang pag-alis din ni Valter. Kung hindi lang nagsabi si Valter kung saan pupunta ay iisipin kong... baka susundan niya si Celestine! But why? What the hell is going on between those two?
Nagkatinginan kami ni Clade. Nakatingala ako sa kanya gamit ang naguguluhang ekspresyon habang tinatanaw niya ako gamit ang bahagyang nag-iingat at nag-aalalang ekspresyon.
"What do you think is that?" I asked directly.
"The what?" He sat beside me with no space between. His face and attention are all on me."Valter and Celestine."
He sighed. Yumuko siya saglit para kunin ang isa kong kamay. Ipinatong niya iyon sa kanyang hita at hindi na pinakawalan pa. "I don't know. Let's not bother them for now. If they have anything to say to us, they will do it in their own free will."
Bahagya akong tumango. "But... you don't think that..."
Tahimik kaming nagtitigan. Tila alam na namin pareho kung ano ang kadugtong ng sasabihin ko. I cannot say it out loud because it's kinda absurd... But I know that it's not impossible.
"Let's not conclude things without proper basis yet." Tanging sinabi niya lang.
Napanguso ako at tumingin sa kawalan. Hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko ang posibilidad na iyon. Kahit saan ko tignan... talaga ngang pwede. Lalo pa't may mga hint na ako dati.
"Hey..." using his index finger, he held my chin and slowly directed my face towards him. There's those soulful eyes again. Mabilis siyang humilig at pinatakan ako ng mabilis na halik. Nang humiwalay siya ay halos magdikit pa rin naman ang mga mukha namin. "Don't think about it too much. Don't make me worry. You already look stressed which is absolutely forbidden."
I smirked at him. Napailing ako at bumaba ang tingin sa tiyan kong hinahaplos niya ng marahan. Para namang first time namin ito ngayong pangatlo naman na!
"The baby will be stressed too..." he whispered silently on my cheek.
I smiled again. Napakalambing niya sa akin at sa paraan ng paghaplos niya sa aking tiyan. I can still remember his reaction when I told him about my pregnancy again. Nalaman ko lamang noong isang araw at kahit na halo-halo pa rin ang emosyon ko, nakuha pa ring mangibabaw ng tuwa at saya. I'm still at the early stage but he's already too excited about it.
"Milyj..." tahimik kong tawag sa kanya. Ang aga pa, ni wala pang sinag ng araw pero nagising ako agad dahil sa sama ng pakiramdam. Hindi naman ako nagsuka o ano pero bilang precaution ay nag-try ako ng pregnancy test gamit ang mga naka-stock sa aking cabinet. May pakiramdam na kasi akong ganoon nga ang sitwasyon.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita sa gulat nang makitang positive ang test. Hindi ko alam kung tatalon ako sa tuwa o ano. Basta naghalo-halo ang pakiramdam ko tungkol rito. Parehong masaya at nag-aalala.
Niyugyog ko na ang balikat ni Clade habang nakadapa ito. Kanina ko pa ginigising pero hindi kumikibo. "Clade!"
Bahagya siyang gumalaw at umungol. Tumihaya siya kung kaya't nagpakita ang hubad niyang dibdib. Saglit siyang nag-unat bago dumilat at sinulyapan ako gamit ang inaantok pang mata.
"What is it?" He asked with eyes closed. "It's still early, Milaya. Let's just sleep some more and we'll talk later."
Hihilain niya sana ako pahiga ulit pero hindi ako sumunod. Let's see if he can still remain asleep when he hears my news.
"I'm pregnant again."
Pinagmasdan ko siyang marahan na huminga habang nakapikit pa rin ang mata. Ilang segundo ang lumipas na tahimik siyang ganoon hanggang sa unti unting nagmulat ang mga mata niya at diretsong tumitig sa kisame. I tried my best to shut up although I really want to laugh out loud. Sa titig niya, alam kong pinoproseso pa ng isipan niya ang narinig.
Imagine my greeting for him in the morning is this news. I can understand why he's like this.
Nang siguro ay naisip niya na, dahan dahang pumilig ang ulo niya upang tingnan ako. Nanatili naman akong nakaupo sa tabi niya habang nakangiti ng malapad.
"W-What... did you say?"
I giggled. "I said I'm pregnant."
Hindi siya nakapagsalita ulit. Kung tingnan niya ako ay para bang niloloko ko siya. I snatched his left hand and guided it carefully towards my stomach. I know it's still flat and we can't still feel anything from it physically. But I also know that it's there... I can already feel it.
"Here..." I softly whispered while placing his hand on my bare stomach. I had to lift my spaghetti strap sando just to make him feel it too. "We've got our third blessing, Clade."
Marahan akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya at kahit na nakangiti, isa isa paring pumatak ang mga luha ko. Napakurap kurap siya. Kitang kita ko pa rin gulat pero kalaunan ay agad siyang bumangon at naupo sa harapan ko. Mas hinawakan niya ng maayos ang tiyan ko gamit ang nanginginig na kamay. Titig na titig siya rito na para bang hindi siya maniniwala kung hindi makita gamit ang mismong mga mata niya.
Nang makontento, muli siyang tumingin sa akin. This time, his still shocked eyes are also shedding tears like mine. I know how he feels. Despite our current situation and the recent tragedies, we can't help but to be happy. After all, I think we have the right to be happy about my pregnancy.
With his careful arms, he pulled me for a soft hug. Ilang beses kong narinig ang pagbuga niya ng mabibigat na hininga sa tabi ng tainga ko.
"This is indeed a blessing..." his voice cracked a bit. He tried to suppress his feelings by chuckling.
I looked at him for a moment and savored the good feeling his stare is giving me. And then I thought to myself that I never want to lose this precious man in front of me. No matter what circumstances we'll face, I always hope that we can always come back to each other's arms. And that's what we've been doing all this time.
Sa dami nang msasakit na bagay na nangyari sa pagitan namin ay palagi pa rin kaming nakakabalik sa isa't isa. We were always a push-and-pull. But in the end, we let the magnets of our hearts attract each other and let love win again.
See? God has graced us with a blessing again. Who would've thought that we'll still have another child at this time? It's a gift we didn't really expect, but is worth more than any treasure.
"Let's go back inside. It's not good for you to be exposed in the heat for too long." Agad siyang tumayo at hinila na ako. Iginiya niya ako papasok sa bahay. His hand remained on my back as we enter.
I missed this side of him. How dedicated and hands-on he is whenever I'm in this delicate condition. He already treats me like a fragile glass before, but it just doubled again this time.
Bago pa niya ako igiya sa kwarto dahil nasisiguro kong pipilitin niya na naman akong magpahinga, inunahan ko na siya. Nagsasawa na din kasi akong mahiga lang at tutal ay hindi naman maselan ang pagbubuntis ko, pwedeng pwede naman akong gumalaw galaw.
"I will visit Graziella later. The facility will let the visitors enter at 11 AM." I glanced at him and saw his jaw clenched a bit.
I know that this topic is still a bit edgy for us, but I still need to inform him. And I need to do what I'll be doing later. A good closure between us will be a better goodbye, so that we can all finally move forward.
Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at hinarap siya. Naturally, he also stopped on his tracks. Tahimik niya lang akong pinagmasdan.
"I just want to talk to her properly for the last time. I need this for myself and for us. Will you let me?" Tinimbang ko ang reaksyon niya. Ganoon pa rin naman ito, ngunit may kaakibat nang kaseryosohan.
He then sighed and bowed a bit. "Alright. I won't stop you if that's what you want. But I'll come with you. Though, I'll stay outside to give you privacy."
I nodded. I understand his stand on this. Besides, there's nothing more left for the two of them to talk about. Sapat na sa akin na sasamahan niya ako. The fact that he can still step into a place where Graziella is staying is already a big leap for him.
Nagtungo pa rin kami sa kwarto hindi para magpahinga ako kundi para maghanda sa pag-alis. Iiwan muna namin ang mga bata sa mga tao rito sa bahay. Tutal ay nandyan naman si Vanny at natitiyak kong abala ang dalawa. We are also confident to go because we know there's no danger anymore. I hope this will continue forever...
"Nay, we'll be back after lunch. We'll just eat outside. Let the kids and the people in this house eat their lunch even without us," habilin ko kay Chef Rossi habang palabas ng bahay. Naghihintay na si Clade sa kanyang sasakyan.
"Alright. Be careful. You watch out for the harmful things, okay? You're pregnant, my goodness!" Medyo stressed niyang saad.
I chuckled. She's one of the people who were very delighted to hear the news. Kaya naman ngayon ay aligaga siya sa mga bagay na ginagawa ko o kinakain ko dahil lang sa buntis ako.
"I know, I know." Tawa ko at niyakap na siya para hindi na mag-alala pa.
I bid her goodbye before walking towards my husband. He eyed me from head to foot. I'm sporting a light blue v-neck chiffon dress up to my knees. My hair is in updo and my sandals are flat for a precaution. Ginantihan ko ang titig niya. I also eyed him from head to foot while he's wearing his usual back leather jacket with a gray round neck shirt inside and the dark blue jeans. He's also wearing a dark brown casual shoes.
He looks hot, especially with his pushed back hair. He looks at me intently which makes me blush.
Ano ba ito! Dati naman siyang ganito mag-ayos at hindi na bago sa akin ang lahat ng ito, pero ganito pa rin ako kung mag-react? Is it because of my hormones?
Napailing ako at tumikhim nang makarating sa tapat niya.
"Are you okay?"
Tahimik lamang akong tumango at mabilis siyang sinulyapan. Mabuti na lang at hindi na niya pinansin ang reaksyon ko. I'd die first before I admit to him that I'm this thirsty for him! For Christ's sake! We're already past that stage.
Pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto sa passenger's seat. Siya na rin ang nagsuot ng seatbelt ko at paulit ulit niya pang tiningnan kung maayos ba iyong nakalagay bago sinara ang pinto sa side ko. Umikot siya ng mabilis at sumakay na sa driver's seat.
We'll be traveling alone. No bodyguards. We're confident because everything's already over. But for it to be totally over, I want to go to that place and settle the rest. I hope it will be a better talk than our last confrontation.
I know she did a lot of bad things to me and my family, but we can never get over it if we keep holding grudges. Like I said before, I am already trying to be more forgiving now.
Tahimik kami ni Clade sa byahe. Madalas ang sulyap niya sa akin at sa kalagayan ko. Feeling ata niya ay maaalis nalang bigla ang seatbelt ko kung kaya't ito lagi ang tinitingnan niya.
"Relax. I'm fine here. You drive safely, anyway." I chuckled and teased him for his paranoid actions.
"Tss." He looks so manly when he maneuvered the steering wheel and looked at the road seriously while we're turning left. I stared at his arms full of large veins and then my eyes wandered at his perfectly structured face. Dahil naka side siya sa akin ay mas lalong nadepina ang panga at ilong niya. I also love how thick his lashes and how red his lips are.
Bigla siyang napatingin sa akin nang maramdaman siguro ang titig ko. Napakurap ako nang matauhan.
Ariadne naman! Por favor, nasa kalsada kayo oh!
"What?" Taas-kilay niyang tanong.
Umiling ako at umayos ng upo. Tumingin nalang ako sa labas ng bintana.
"You sure?"
Tumango ako ulit pero hindi pa rin siya tiningnan.
I heard him chuckle like he's enjoying this so much! "You can continue staring at me or whatever it is you're doing to me in your mind."
Gamit ang nanlalaking mata, mabilis akong bumaling sa kanya. Hindi ko inaasahang ganoon ang sasabihin niya.
He glanced at me again and chuckled when he saw my shocked expression. "What? Oh, come on. We've been married for seven years, don't tell me you still can't get used to this?"
Napaubo ako kahit na wala naman akong inuubo. Unti unti akong bumaling sa daan at hindi pinansin ang mga sinasabi niya. Muntikan ko pang takpan ang mga tainga ko para lang hindi marinig ang mga tawa niya.
My goodness, I'm really tempted right now! Why doesn't he stop?!
"Where are we doing it in your imagination anyway? In the bed? The sofa? The bathroom..."
Pinilit kong huwag siyang pansinin hanggang sa makarating kami sa facility kung saan nananatili si Graziella. I stared at the big asylum. Its walls are white like that of an hospital. There are several windows for each floor and I'm guessing those are the rooms of the patients. Bago makapasok ay may gate muna kung saan may dalawang guard na nagbabantay at nagchi-check ng mga gamit ng pumapasok.
I can't imagine her being inside this facility. How can this happen to her in just a short period of time?
Naunang bumaba si Clade. Napagtanto ko nalang na nasa harapan ko siya nang harangan niya ang paningin ko. He opened the door for me.
I removed my seatbelt before holding his hand. Nakaalalay na agad siya sa akin nang makababa ako hanggang sa makarating kami sa gate. Kung kanina ay nagbibiro pa siya, ngayon ay seryoso na ulit.
"Saan po tayo, Ma'am?" Tanong ng isa sa mga guard.
"Ah, bibisita po sa isang pasyente."
Tumango ito at kumuha ng isang maliit na papel sa table nila. "Paki-fill up nalang po ito tapos ay ibigay n'yo po sa receptionist. Sila na po ang bahalang magturo sa inyo nung kwarto."
I nodded and accepted the piece of paper. Tiningnan ko ito at nakitang information sheet pala iyon tungkol sa pagbisita namin. Naroon ang pangalan ng visitor, pangalan ng patient, date, purpose of visit, etc.
Kukuha pa lang sana ako ng ballpen sa dalang maliit na sling bag ngunit naunahan na ako ni Clade. Kumuha ito ng ballpen sa bulsa ng kanyang jacket.
"I'll take care of this. Let's go inside first, so you wouldn't be exposed here."
Sumang-ayon ako. Pinadaan naman kami nina kuya papasok sa mismong loob ng facility. Medyo mahaba pa ang daan bago makarating sa mismong entrance. Napatingin ako sa paligid at nakitang malawak ang area at madamo ito. Maraming pasyente ang nagkalat sa labas na may kanya kanyang ginagawa. May mga naka-wheelchair, nakaupo sa mga bench at nakatingin sa kung saan, mga nagsasaya na parang bata, at iba pang medyo agresibo.
Mas humigpit ang hawak ni Clade sa baywang ko at inilapit ako sa katawan niya. Napabaling tuloy ako sa kanya dahil sa ginawa.
"They might run towards you." His excuse.
Hindi ko siya sinagot at nagpatuloy sa pagtingin sa paligid hanggang sa tuluyan kaming nakapasok sa loob. Mas maraming pasyente ang nagkalat sa loob at marami din ang nurse na nakabantay o nakaalalay. The facility itself is big and spacious. There are already a lot of rooms just in the first floor. What more for the second, third, and fourth ones.
Pinaupo ako saglit ni Clade sa waiting area kung saan may mga visitor din na naghihintay. Lumapit naman siya sa reception area at sinulatan ang hawak na papel doon sa counter.
"May kapamilya ka rito, ineng?" Napabaling ako sa matandang babae na nagsalita sa tabi ko. We're one seat apart. I studied her face and with her gray hair, wrinkled face, and saggy eyes, I concluded that she's in her 70s already.
Umiling ako at ngumiti ng bahagya. "Kaibigan ko po."
Lumungkot ang itsura niya. "Ganoon ba? Ako naman ay iyong anak ko."
Ako ngayon ang nalungkot sa sinabi niya.
"Jose ang pangalan niya. Siguro mas matanda siya kaysa sa'yo. Nag-counseling lang siya saglit kaya hinihintay ko."
"Ah, ganoon po ba..." tumango ako ng bahagya. Saglit akong nag-iwas ng tingin, iniisip kung itatanong ba ito. Kalaunan ay nagdesisyon akong itanong na. "Bakit po siya nandito?"
Sa layo at lungkot ng tanaw niya, alam kong hindi rin naging maganda ang pakikitungo ng buhay sa anak niya at sa kanya. Na-guilty tuloy ako sa itinanong.
"Mahina kasi ang loob niya. Hindi kinaya ang pagkamatay ng tatay niya at ang kasabay na kawalan niya ng trabaho. Iniwan kasi siya ng asawa niya dahil doon."
"Sorry po."
"Naku!" Sinubukan niyang tumawa. "Ayos lang, huwag kang mag-sorry. Ginagawa ko lang ang lahat para isalba siya. Siya nalang kasi ang natitirang pamilya ko."
Mas lalo akong nalungkot at nagbaba ng tingin. I thought to myself then... That maybe Graziella is the same. She wasn't able to take everything. She was only able to handle so much. And I totally feel bad for her. This is not the end that I wanted for her. I wanted her and Alessandro to live their lives the right way. We were ready to forgive them if only they had let us.
I knew her background, but I wasn't so sure if it's true. Pero kung titingnan ngayon ay baka ganoon nga. She already lost so much in life.
"Let's go..." nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Clade na nakalapit na pala sa akin. Sumulyap ako sa matandang babae at nginitian siya bilang paalam.
Iginiya ako ni Clade patungo sa second floor. May isang nurse ang gumabay sa amin kung nasaan ang kwarto ni Graziella. We stopped at the middle part of the left side. Marami ang kwarto at pare pareho ang itsura ng mga ito. Ngunit ang iba ay nakabukas. Isa ang kwarto ni Graziella sa mga nakasarado.
Nagsimulang mangatog ang binti ko, kasabay ng panginginig ng mga kamay. I'm getting emotional and nervous. Hinawakan ni Clade ang mga braso ko at pinakatitigan.
"You sure you can handle this? We can just come back some other time. When you're okay."
Umiling ako at pilit na pinakalma ang sarili. It's okay. I can do this. I can overcome this.
"I'll go inside," bulong ko habang titig na titig ako sa puting pintuan. May maliit na bintana dito. Sinilip ko muna ang loob at nahabag nang makitang naroon nga siya... at tulala sa bintana sa labas. May harang na metal bars rito na para siguro iwas sa pagtakas.
"Huwag na lang po kayo masyadong lumapit, Ma'am. Hindi naman po bayolente ang pasyente pero hindi pa rin po tayo nakasisiguro... Nakailang suicide attempts na din po kasi siya."
Gulat akong napatingin sa babaeng nurse. Saglit na umawang ang bibig ko at walang masabi. Nang makabawi ay dahan dahang akong lumapit sa pinto.
Hinayaan ako ni Clade nang mabagal kong buksan ito. The door made a high-pitched noise, but never did Graziella turned to look at me. She was just... staring blankly at the window.
Her white and large hospital gown looks so unusual on her. Nakalugay ang medyo magulo at dry niyang buhok. She's not wearing slippers or shoes and I saw how dirty her feet are. Medyo madungis din ang mukha niya na sobrang putla at tila walang buhay. No makeup, no fashionable things, no radiating aura... Only a lifeless frame in front of me.
Labis akong nahabag sa itsura niya. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para pigilan ang mga hikbi. Ngunit tuloy tuloy sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko.
I didn't shut the door behind me. I stayed near it and just watched Graziella at a distance. She looks so lonely on that single bed. This room is so small for her.
Bahagya akong nakaramdam ng galit. Hindi ba siya inaalagaan rito? Bakit ganito ang itsura niya?!
I was about to go out and complain to the nurse, but then again, I remember that I have no right. We're not exactly friends anymore. We've already hurt each other so much. Showing care for her right now is futile. Maybe I'm just overreacting because I still think of her as a friend. I still think of myself as her "sister." Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi na pwede ang ganoon...
A lot of things already happened that made us stand on completely opposite sides. One where we can never cross the line that's separating us. Where we can no longer reach out to each other because of the great distance.
"G-Graziella..." I croaked after moments of calming myself down.
There was no reaction. Hindi nag-iba ang posisyon niyang nakaupo o ang pwesto ng kanyang ulo. Patuloy pa rin siya sa pagtulala. I'm not sure if she can hear me now.
"Graziella." Ulit ko sa isang mas pirmi at malakas na boses. Still, there's nothing. "Grazie..."
Bigla siyang kumurap ng ilang beses. That gave me a slight hope. Maybe she hears me after all. It's just that, it's too much for her to look at me. I understand her, though. Kahit naman ako ay nahihirapan ngayon. If not only for my determination to close this chapter of my life, I wouldn't be here right now.
I sighed and dried my tears before starting to speak. I guess hanggang ganito lang talaga kami. Malayo sa isa't isa at hindi makatingin ng diretso sa mga mata kahit pa magkatapat lang naman kami. That already speaks for all the precious things we've lost just because we met each other.
"I-I'm... here right now to talk to you properly. Without shouting and insulting each other. I just want a calm and peaceful talk." Pauna ko sa kalmadong boses kahit na labis ang emosyon ko.
Even though she's like a statue, I know she's listening because of her teary eyes and trembling lips. Mas lalo akong naging emosyonal dahil doon.
"I want to say sorry for every pain we've caused you. I also want to say sorry for all the tragedies in your life. Although I know it's too late now, still, I want you to know how I feel."
Yumuko ako at mabilis na nagpunas ng luha.
"I know how hard your life was. Even if I didn't know if it's the truth, I believed the stories of your past. I sympathized with you. I felt bad for you. I tried to become a better friend for you... But maybe not everything in life goes well for us, huh? I am angry for all the things you and your brother have done to us. You also put us in so much pain and misery... But all of that is over now. I want to finally be free with my family. I want to move forward..." I paused a bit to catch my breath. "So even if you didn't ask, I wanna say that I'm forgiving you. I'm putting everything behind and forget all the bad things that had happened."
Sa dami ng nasabi ko, wala pa rin siyang reaksyon. Wala ni isang salitang sinagot. That's okay, though. Ang mahalaga ay narinig niya.
"Lastly... I want to wish for a better life for you. I know it's very hard for you right now. And I have no right to anything that concerns you. Still, I want to tell you that it's not yet too late. You still have a chance for a good life ahead of you. So please, be well and get out of this place. Find another one where you can feel genuine happiness and freedom."
I looked at her for the last time, blindly waiting for a reaction. But just like before, there was nothing. Siguro hanggang dito na lang talaga kaming dalawa. I'll just have to indulge myself by thinking that she can also forgive us and that she somehow shares my sentiments. All I can do now is to hope and pray that the end of the road for her is still bright.
Tumalikod na ako at handa nang umalis. I saw Clade peeking at the door and waiting for me to come out. I smiled a bit to lessen his concern. I was busy wiping my tears near the door when I suddenly froze at her words. I never thought that I could still hear her voice.
"Ari..."
I couldn't almost recognize her raspy voice. Mabilis akong humarap sa kanya, attentive sa maaaring sabihin niya. I braced myself for either the positive or negative things she'll say. Whatever it is, I'll accept it. Just to let her be free of all the hate and pain.
"I-I hope... that if we meet again in our next lives... we'll meet under the better circumstances." Isang beses lang niya akong sinulyapan at muli nang tumingin sa bintana na tila may tinatanaw sa malayo. "Because I really wanna be a better friend for you. I want to feel how good it is to be your friend without feeling all the guilt and hatred in my heart."
Kahit na tulala siya at walang ekspresyon ay sunod sunod ang patak ng luha niya. Nanariwa tuloy ang akin.
"That's all I can hope for... in this life."