My heart beats against my chest. Just a few more hours of work then you can go to the hospital and get your results. I'm sure they would have called you to come in earlier if you had PTSD, right?
I scribble out my 20th sketch. God, I can't even think straight. I place my pencil down. I just need to talk to someone.
I gasp and rush over to my bag digging in it for my phone, "Yes found it!" I pull my phone out and pull up a contact I haven't talked to in a while. I kind of canceled our appointments.
To my disappointment, it rings straight to voicemail, "Hey, Asher it's me Charlie-Rose. Um just give me a call back when you get this, I really need someone to talk to right now and well you're the only one I want to talk to, so yeah call me back please," I cut the call.
I sit anxiously around my office waiting for him to call me back. I jump at my phone whenever it flashes up but it's never him.
Maybe it's selfish of me to call him like that. I ignore him for weeks now out of the blue I'm calling him. suddenly my phone vibrates, and Asher's puts up on my screen.
Finally, "Hello," I quickly answer.
"Hi, sorry I didn't pick up soon I was with a patient," I relax a bit hearing his voice after so long, "How are you Charlie-Rose? I haven't seen you in a while are you planning on coming back to your sessions?" he asks
"I'm fine, thank you, and yeah I think I'll come back, but how are you?" I just miss being able to talk to someone who doesn't judge me they just listen.
"That's good well your appointment is today same time if you want to come," wow he kept my weekly appointments, "And I'm doing good, busy, but good,"
"Oh, I wish a could, but I have to go to the hospital today..." I take a deep breath. In and out, in and out, "To find out if I have PTSD and what the next steps are to take if I do," the line falls silent.
Only deep breaths can be heard over the speaker, "Charlie-Rose," his tone is soft, "I'm glad you got the examination," I release a heavy sigh, "So you and Landon are going to get the results this afternoon?" he questions.
"Well, no I'm going. Landon doesn't know I took the examination, nor do I want him to know until I get the results," he hums a response.
"That's your choice Charlie-Rose but you should go with someone I can come with you if you like?" I mean he's right, but I want to do this alone. I got the test alone I want to get the results alone.
"No, no it's fine I want to go alone," he scoffs at my response, "I got the examination alone I want to get the results alone. I'll be fine," yeah I'm not sure about the last part but as long as he believes me when I say I'll be fine.
"Okay if you say so," he doesn't sound so sure. Neither do I, "I have to go another client will be here soon but call me if you change your mind," I say my goodbyes and he cuts the call.
I know I'm not going to change my mind I have my heart set on going alone. It's probably a smart idea to go with someone, but I can't bear having someone there with me if I get bad news.
My sketchbook lays on my desk in front of me, "Stupid book," I grumble flipping through the pages of all my old designs.
I come across mum's wedding dress I redrew because I was going to remake it but with some twist. Wedding dresses are the hardest design. Brides are always so fussy however mum's dress I redesign fits what she wants perfectly.
"Thanks, mum," I mutter pulling together a list of every bit of fabric I need.
Time to go to the shops.
••••••
I sit in the doctors off waiting for him to come back with the results. My leg shakes, my palms are sweating to the point they're leaving stains on my jeans.
The door creaks open to reveal the doctor with a file in his hand. He looks at me with no emotions. His eyes flash me nothing. I have no clue what he's about to tell me. The tension is thick in the air. I feel my lungs becoming restricted as he shuffles through the files taking a few glances at me now and then. This is killing me. I fist the hem of my shirt trying to tame the shaking of my hands. He clears his throat locking his gaze on me.
"Are you sure you don't want to call someone?" he asks me for the final time.
I nod, "I'm sure I just want to know."
The doctor nods turning to me, "I'm not going to beat around the bush Charlotte-Rose I'm going to be straight up with you," I suck a deep breath in and nod, "The results have come back showing you have PTSD and by your timeline you've had it for a while but have been very good at acting like nothing is wrong," I watch the doctors lips move but all I can hear is a high pitch ringing noise.
PTSD...
PTSD.
P.
T.
S.
D.
I have PTSD.
I'm crazy. I'm medically crazy.
"Charlie-Rose, Charlie-Rose are you listening?" with my mouth gaping open I meet the doctors stare, "I know this is a lot to take in, but we have a plan to help treat your PTSD," his words spike my interest and I focus back into what he's saying, "Because of how long you've been without treatment and how this wasn't detected sooner we're not sure if psychotherapy is going to work," my lungs restrict.
"However, we're willing to try it for a month if that's what you want, but if not, we'll put you straight onto the medications," go straight on medication or try psychotherapy for a month even though it may not work, and I'll end up having to go on medication anyway.
"What do you recommend I do?" I ask watching him pull his bottom lip in between his teeth thinking about what to say.
"You can waste your money going to psychotherapy but to be honest I think it will be a waste of your time. You've been suffering from this for a while it's been over six months, so I would say it is best to just get you started on the medication. However, I would recommend seeing a therapist," I nod taking down metal notes.
"Am I allowed some time to think first before making a decision?" I ask.
"Of course, take some time to think it through I know it's a lot to take in, but we would like to start treatment as soon as possible."
"Okay well I'll think it through and get back to you by Sunday," the doctor nods and says his good-byes to me.
I take deep breaths as I continue walking to my car. My hands still shake it hasn't stopped. The air fills less and less in my lungs. My body feels like it's about to collapse at any second. The rain pelts down on my skin making an array of goosebumps travel along my body.
I finally get to my car drench in rain, "Fuck!" I shout hitting my head against the stirring wheel, "Landon is going to hate me," I sob, "I'm crazy," I grip onto the stirring wheel as the rain grows heavier, "I'M FUCKING CRAZY!" I kept my cool in front of the doctor, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. Landon is going to think I'm crazy just like I do. He's going to slam the door on my face and tell me to stay far away from him.
I hate this, "Oh poor Charlie bear," I tense at the sound of her taunting voice, "The doctor thinks you're insane," she crackles from behind me, "Purely insane," she continues laughing manically, "I mean even I could tell you," I look at her in my review mirror.
"You made me this way with your stupid death," I hiss,
"No Charlie, he made you this way," he did, she did they all did! "I'm just the dead girl remember. The one you see in your nightmares when you're walking down the streets, I haunt you, Charlie, I'm everywhere then I'm nowhere," she starts cackling again.
I rush and shove the keys into the ignition letting the car roar up as it starts. I pull out of the hospital carpark at crazy speed. I drive back to my apartment listening to her crazy cackle the whole way back home. I burst out of my car the second I pull into my park landing heavy on the ground. The rain hasn't laid off either it's pelting down like crazy the wind is gushing around. My knees are soaked from landing on them but nowhere else on my body is better. I try to stand on my shaky knees.
I grab my bag and swing the door shut I can still hear her laughing, "Stop!" I hiss tumbling up the stairs, "Leave me alone!" I jumble with my keys in my hand before finally shoving it harshly into the door letting it hit the wall with a thud as it opens. I throw my bag with my phone inside, head out of my apartment and lock the door up, and head back downstairs.
I walk out into the rain. My hair sticks to the side of my face as my clothes cling to my body. My body shivers as I walk down the busy streets of New York City. I can feel people watching me in their cars probably thinking I'm crazy... well guess what I am bitches!
••••••
The rain has eased a bit by the time a arrive to my worst fear. I don't want to be here but then I do. I have to tell him. He has the right to know. Light dances gracefully in the sky before a big clap of thunder shakes the ground.
I walk up his driveway. I see the no lights on. Well, I mean I've been walking for hours. I really don't want to be here. I walked as slowly as I could and kept taking "wrong turns" just to put off coming here.
I suck in a sharp breath before knocking on the door three times. I wait for a second nothing. No light turns on. No sound is made from doors opening.
No nothing.
Just dead silences.
I turn to walk away but I don't I turn back around and pound my fist on his door, "LANDON!" I shout continuing to pound on his door.
I stop when I see a light flick on. The living room light. I take a deep breath watching the shadow grow closer to the door. I hear the locks click and the door swing open causing me to shiver.
"Charlie-Rose?" he is rubbing his eyes, adjusting to the light.
"Landon I-" he looks at me with knitted eyebrows.
"Why are you soaking wet did you walk here?" Landon takes in my shivering wet appearance.
"Yes, but that's not important I have something to tell you," he stands out of the way for me to come in, but I don't, "No you may not want me in your house or near you after I tell you," his eyes widen.
"What is it Charlie-Rose?"
"I got the examination done," I watch as his eyes light up. Oh, Landon sweetie they're about to burn in a second.
"That's great Charlie-Rose why didn't you call me I could have gone with you?" I take a deep breath.
"I got the examination done two weeks ago and today I got the results back," I watch as he nods for me to continue, "Landon I'm broken I'm so fucking broken," he shakes his head, "I have PTSD," I start to sob, "I'm so broken," I repeat.
"No, you're not broken you've just seen a lot," I fall into his arms with a thud.
"I don't expect you to stay Landon, you can push me away," he holds me tighter, "You can tell me to get away from you that I'm insane," Landon pulls me into the house closing the door.
"Shut up," he grumbles resting his head on top of mine, "Stop saying that fucking bullshit," I tense as my eyes widen. He takes a step out of the embrace so I can look at him, "I promised you to not leave you I promised you that I'll help you through this," he brushes his thumb over my cheek, "If I hear one more "I'm crazy" or "insane" or "fucking broken" I swear to god I'll tape that goddamn mouth shut," heat creeps up my neck at his words, "You're none of those things. You are someone whose been through a lot, and this is just one of the things that come along with it and it sucks and you think you're crazy from hallucinating and talking to people from the past that caused you trauma. But you're not," I relax into his touch.
"I-" I freeze. Oh god, I almost said it! "Thank you, Landon," I croak out to cover up the fact that I almost said "I love you" to him.
"No thanking. Now come on let's get you in the shower and into warm clothes," he leads me upstairs.
I have a nice warm shower and get changed into a pair of sweats pants and one of his hoodies. I look like a bag of potatoes, but I don't really care right now.
Landon pulls me into his arms and kisses my forehead, "Get some rest sweetheart," his fingers run through my wet hair.
Fuck you, Landon. You should've just slammed the door on my face because now I'm madly in love with you and you're not helping me get over it.