When the credits rolled on the second episode in a row of the military crime drama Jade learned about from Tara, she got up to stretch and take their plates of TV dinner to the sink. Once she was out of sight, Tori sighed to herself and sat with her knees up to her chest, resigning herself to a mental conversation with herself. While she had actually been enjoying the show with Jade, something had been lingering on the back of her mind that the newfound silence was allowing her to focus on. This thought was something Tori had believed settled a long time ago, but lately, she was second-guessing herself a lot to the point that it wasn't as settled after all.
"Babe?" Tori called over to the kitchen after loosening her posture, "When you're done with the dishes, could we...talk for a minute?"
Jade turned toward her as she finished rinsing food crumbs off of her plate and set it on the drying rack. Her eyebrow raised curiously as she noticed Tori had a more serious tone of voice than usual. "Sure...just a sec." After wiping her hands dry, Jade joined Tori back on the couch, leaning her side against the cushion to face her girlfriend with a smile, "What's up, babe?"
Tori flashed a quick smile at Jade's sincere smile, then took a deep breath before phrasing her question, "First, I'm really sorry that this is sudden, but...when did you know you were bi, Jade?"
Jade blinked in surprise at the question, thinking it came out of nowhere, but cleared her throat as she thought of her answer, "Um...I'm not really sure, actually. I mean, no slight to you, but it was probably before I felt this way about you now. I just didn't feel a distinction when it came to people I found attractive; it didn't matter to me that they were a guy or a girl, because I still liked something about them that much. I couldn't tell you if it was while I was with Beck or before that, though. We were together for a long time, after all..."
Tori simply nodded to her answer, not even feeling slighted by how long Jade's last relationship was, and pulled her knees up to her chest again, wearing a frown.
"Where's this coming from, Tori?" Jade placed a hand on one of Tori's knees, out of concern, "I mean, I don't mind talking about it, but didn't you say you were okay with you being...queer?"
"'Queer'..." Tori scoffed at the word, "I think I'm just using that word as an excuse because I'm regretting calling myself a lesbian when I should probably be bi, like you, since I liked boys—even if they were all jerks in the end."
"Hey..." Jade moved in closer and pulled Tori toward her in a light hug, "Don't get so caught up in that. You're still figuring yourself out, and...maybe some things just aren't clear for you yet, but you'll get there someday!"
"When, though?!" Tori tore away from Jade, her tone rising from solemn to upset, "I didn't worry about it in the interview today because I focused on my music career, but what if my next interview's with a queer-focused magazine or something? What'll I say then? If I don't say anything, then they'll just make their own answers; like that I'm 'sort of a lesbian because all the guys I dated sucked, but this girl I'm dating now isn't a total trainwreck' or some chizz like that?"
"Tori!" Jade snapped, slightly offended by the remark, "That's not really what you think, is it?!"
"Wha...no! No, I didn't mean that! The lady at the magazine just said..." Tori came down from her tirade, realizing her mistake a little too late as she saw Jade get up from the couch, "Jade! I'm sorry!"
"Yeah, I hope you are!" Jade shook her head, turning away from Tori toward her bedroom door, "Look...I want to help you with this, because maybe I'm still figuring things out, too, but maybe I'm not the one you should talk to—at least, not right now."
"Jade..." Tori walked toward her girlfriend, holding her arms out to grab Jade's, but the sight of her backing away from the attempted hug made her heart sink.
"I'm sorry, Tori," Jade swallowed back a sob, turning her head to hide her eyes starting to water, "I don't know what to say anymore. Let's just...go to bed for tonight, okay?" She took one quick glance at Tori, barely seeing tears falling down her face before she made for her room with a quick turn and shut of the door.
Alone in the living room—and in her thoughts—Tori collapsed to her knees and let herself cry openly into her palms, pressed against her face to muffle her sobs unsuccessfully. She wished hard for time to go backward, so that she could take back that question she asked Jade, but that wish wouldn't come true as she sat on the floor, her back against the foot of the couch, crying. Over her own sobs and tear, Tori couldn't hear Jade's own sobs and frustrated pounding of her fist against her bed; cursing her inability to support her girlfriend's personal crisis.
Tori didn't make it to her bed, even as hours passed since the talk that devolved into a cold silence in the apartment. She stayed seated on the floor, staring at the floor until she thought to stand up, but even that proved difficult as her legs were numb from the blood circulation slowly returning to them after hours of sitting still. Huffing through the pins and needles in her legs, Tori reached for her cell phone on the dining table, unlocking it and scrolling through her contacts. Her thumb stopped over names that she briefly considered calling: Andre, Trina, Mom, Dad, but she sighed and scrolled down to one of the last numbers she had added to the contacts and tapped firmly to send a call.
In the home of Piper Hastings, the mood was a stark contrast to Tori and Jade's home, as Nora West let out a heavy sigh and collapsed next to her companion on the bed, the two pulling the covers over themselves as they caught their breath.
Nora turned over and held an arm over her eyes as she said between gasps of breath, "Apology...accepted...Piper."
Piper laughed as she grabbed a water bottle from her nightstand and took a generous sip before replying, "Glad...that was enough...to get me back on your good side, Ellie~" She passed the bottle to Nora, who sat up, still holding the blanket over her, as she took a drink herself.
"You...you haven't called me that in over a decade," Nora sighed after downing the water and replacing the bottle cap.
"Well, that's your name," Piper grinned as she bumped shoulders with her, "Isn't it? Eleanora West~?"
Nora groaned, "You are the only person who ever called me 'Ellie'. Even my parents stopped calling me Eleanora when I told them no one in my generation has an old-fashioned name like that; so why do you?"
"Because..." Piper pouted playfully, planting a kiss on Nora's bare shoulder, "It makes me feel special...because you're special, babe. Besides, didn't you name your daughter 'Jadelyn'? Did you think many girls her age would have a name like that~?"
Nora groaned louder, retreating under the covers and out of Piper's reach, "I just forgave you for distracting me during Tori's interview with your ex! Don't make me mad at you again!"
"Well...if it means I have to get you to forgive me again~" Piper grinned, about to pull the covers over Nora's face when her phone rang on her nightstand. She picked up her phone and, upon seeing Tori's name across the screen, quietly stepped out of bed. After throwing on a large t-shirt, she answered the phone out of earshot of Nora, who peeked out from under the covers to find her on the other side of the bedroom.
"Piper, I'm so sorry for calling you this late, but...I need to talk to someone."
"It's okay, Tori," Piper whispered, sneaking a quick glance to Nora before continuing, "Is everything alright over there?"
"No...I mean, it's not a life-threatening emergency, but...can you come over? Just you? I need a...neutral party, so to speak."
"Okay," Piper sighed, looking at the clock hanging on her wall, "Just give me a few minutes." She closed the call and turned back around to see Nora already out of bed, dressed in the clothes she arrived in and her arms crossed.
"Was that Tori?" Nora asked calmly, "Are she and Jade okay?"
Piper collected her words as she recovered from the surprise of Nora redressing so quickly, "I...uh...I don't know. She sounded serious, but she wanted me to come alone; said she needed a 'neutral party'."
"And you're just gonna go without asking any more than that? I should go with you!"
"I'm sure it's nothing too bad, Ellie!" Piper started to pull on a pair of pants as she continued, "Besides, you need to get back to the hotel. I'm sure Tara doesn't know you're here, right?"
"I...Yeah, you're right. Now, I'm gonna have to buy her burgers in exchange for her looking the other way..."
"Don't worry," Piper chuckled before leaning in to give Nora a kiss on her cheek, "I'll let you know as soon as I get back, okay?"
"Okay," Nora smiled, blushing from the kiss as she picked up her bag, "Drive safe, Piper."
"Thanks, Ellie," Piper passed her a wink as she got her keys and left with her through the front door.
Huddled outside under the light over the front door, Tori soon spotted Piper's red Mini Cooper parking next to her SUV. She straightened up and walked quickly to the passenger seat, knocking on the window to tell Piper to let her in. After a moment of confusion, Piper flipped the lock switch and Tori slid into the seat quietly.
"So, when you asked me to come over, you really meant 'Can I sit in your car outside my apartment?'" Piper took a long look at Tori, who clearly wasn't in the mood for humor based on her messy hair and face clear of makeup.
"Sorry," Tori mumbled, staring down at the floor mat under her seat, "I just don't want to risk Jade overhearing us from her room."
"Is something going on between you two?" Piper frowned, "Because maybe you should be talking about this with her instead of with me..."
"I...I tried," Tori shook her head, "But then I got upset, took my frustration out on her, and now she won't talk to me."
"Why?" Piper turned in her seat, lifting Tori's head up by her chin, "What were you talking about?"
Her head turned up, Tori's tear-stained cheeks were more apparent under the car's interior lights. She sighed as she admitted softly, "I'm scared to admit I'm gay."
Piper's eyes fixed on Tori's before she nodded and leaned back into her seat, "I thought you already made peace with this. You know, after your first interview with me?"
"I thought I did...but after the showcase and the interview I had with Miami Music...all those fears, all that anxiety came bubbling back up."
"What kind of fears?" Piper asked calmly, "Don't worry. You can tell me, and it doesn't have to leave this car if you don't want it to. That's why you called me, right?"
Tori pulled down the visor above her seat, looking at the reflection of her eyes as she spoke, "I grew up watching a lot of gay actors, actresses, and characters on TV. One that stood out to me was this woman in a soap opera I saw my grandma watching when I was little. I think her name was Eden or something, and she played a lesbian in that show; had the first lesbian kiss on daytime television. I looked that up a while ago when I saw the show again on the Internet. Back then, I thought it was...surprising, but I didn't understand why my grandma immediately changed the channel when she saw it."
Piper smiled for a moment as Tori reminisced, "Oh, I know exactly who you're talking about, kid. I'm actually surprised you knew about that. I'd have thought kids your age think of...I dunno, more stereotypical, flamboyant gay portrayals in the movies or something."
"Well, I've seen those, too," Tori cleared her throat, still staring at her reflection, "Sometimes, they're...funny to watch, but nothing felt more real to me than Bianca. Besides her liking women instead of men, she was just like me—like every girl I knew...and I liked that."
"I admire that about you, Tori," Piper said, giving a gentle pat on her shoulder, "Trust me, I've seen good and bad forms of LGBT representation in my life, and I'm honestly glad you found inspiration from one of the good ones."
Tori finally looked away from her reflection and toward Piper, "When did you know, Piper? That you were...I mean..."
Chuckling, Piper rustled Tori's hair to alleviate her concern, "It's okay, kiddo. I'm most definitely gay, and I have been...for as long as I can remember."
"As long as...you mean since you were a kid?" Tori's eyes widened in surprise.
"Okay, well...maybe since my 'developing years' in school. I remember feeling closer to girls in my volleyball team than the men's basketball team, wanting to spend more time with my 10th grade science teacher—and I don't mean for her killer lecture notes." Piper laughed to herself, "It feels...a bit awkward saying all this, but...it was all me; my life."
"Did you ever date another woman?" Tori asked curiously, "I mean, hopefully not with your science teacher!"
Piper let out a howling laugh, trying to keep herself contained to answer her properly, "Oh, wow! Okay, no; not her, but...not anyone, either. It was the 70s and 80s, kid; not nearly as much representation or understanding as there is in your generation. Where I lived, 'gay' was synonymous with 'untrustworthy', 'misinformed', 'confused', the list goes on. It wasn't until I was much older that I finally worked up the courage to ask out a girl I really, really liked."
"And how did that go?" Tori leaned closer, invested in Piper's story.
"She...rejected me," Piper swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and continued, "We were friends since sophomore year of college, and when we graduated, I asked her to come with me here—to Miami—for grad school. I told her that I wanted to get a place together, tackle all the journalism and corporate law courses we would have, and that's when she tells me...she was getting married...and moving to Los Angeles for law school."
Tori blinked, putting the pieces of her story together, "Wait...you mean—"
"Yup," Piper sighed, wiping her hand over her eyes, "Elli—Nora...was the first woman I told I was gay. I kept my feelings hidden for so long, and the first person I fell so hard for...was leaving me for a rich daddy's-boy and moving to Hollywood. Of course, you know the story from there. We reconnected all these years later, and we're in a better place than we ever were."
Tori smiled, then looked over to her visor reflection again, "I'm happy for you, Piper. But now, I wish I'd thought about this before your interview. I really don't know if 'lesbian' is the best word to describe me, or 'bisexual', or 'queer', or..."
"Answer me this: Do you love Jade?" Piper asked quickly.
"Yes!" Tori answered just as quickly, without a moment's thought.
"Thank you for your time, Ms. Vega! That's all the questions I had for you~" Piper grinned, leaving Tori stunned for a moment.
"Look, don't stress so hard about the labels; they're just words, and no amount of words will ever describe every feeling or every part of you, because you're always changing. Maybe things will change for you tomorrow, next week, next year, but worrying about all that future stuff will make you miss out on the girl who clearly loves you so much that she's standing out in the cold right now waiting for you to come back in!" She pointed in front of them, making Tori turn toward her apartment door, where Jade was standing under the light, wearing a light shirt and pajama pants, with her arms crossed and her face expressing only concern.
Tori choked back a sob, covering her mouth as her eyes watered immediately at the sight of Jade. "Oh my god..." As she was about to unlock her door and open it, she felt Piper place a hand on her shoulder.
"Listen to me...this probably isn't the first fight you two have had, and it may not be your last. Either way, Tori, if you really love her...don't ever let her go, okay?"
Tori glanced back, patting Piper's hand and nodding, "Thank you, Piper," before pushing her door open and walking toward Jade at the front door.
Once they were within feet of each other, Tori took a deep breath, unsure if she should speak or not. Jade assuaged the concern with her own remark.
"I'm cold."
"What?" Tori blinked, swallowing from the suddenly broken tension.
"I'm cold...I'm tired..." Jade repeated, her expression neutral and unchanging, "...and I'm sorry...for leaving you alone with your anxiety instead of helping you deal with it."
An involuntary laugh left Tori's mouth, making her cover it with her hands for fear of Jade's reaction. Rather than an angry frown, however, she saw a smile break on her girlfriend's face; a clear signal for Tori and close the distance between them with a hug. The feeling of Jade's arms wrapping around Tori warmed her enough to turn her head up and kiss her cheek. "I'm sorry, too...for taking out my anxiety on you. Can I make it up to you?"
"With what?" Jade raised a curious eyebrow, "Breakfast?"
Tori shook her head and smiled, "A real date; no mom, no Tara, no work-talk; just you and me, wherever you want...like we've wanted since we first got together. Sound good?"
Jade brought her hands up to cup Tori's cheeks and kiss her, "That sounds fantastic, babe."
Her face lighting up with glee, Tori took a quick look back to see a faint image of Piper smiling through the windshield as her car drove away from the lot. She turned back to Jade and returned the kiss happily, "I love you."
"I love you, too..." Jade replied, "Now cuddle with me on the couch until we're both warmed up." She lightly kicked the front door open and pulled a giggling Tori in with her to the warmth of their apartment.