Alex's POV
Wednesday, December 22 – Charlotte, North Carolina
I had just gotten back from going to Colorado. I was just in the midst of unpacking my bags, organizing the clothes, and then figuring what to wear to go see the parents in Arizona. I hadn't even settled in or anything, or told anyone that I was back in North Carolina.
Maybe it was couple radar. Maybe he was stalking me. However, here he stood in my house, leaning against the doorway as I shifted through the clothes spread across the bed. Knowing the flight schedule wasn't as spread out as I would have hoped, I unfortunately did not have time to waste with him. I hated it, trust me, because I just wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to continue to talk about what happened, helped him, be there. I hated to blow him off in any capacity.
Maybe it was the sped up process, or maybe it was my frazzled brain. However, today felt different between us. He was quieter than usual, not speaking up as much as he would about the most random shit. Was he truly missing me this much? Was he that sad about me traveling home to see my parents? If anybody would understand that, I thought he'd be the one with how close he is with his.
"Is everything okay?" I finally ask, unable to take the awkwardness and silence any longer. It seemed everything was simple and easy between us, always. We were always great at sharing emotions, being there for each other. However, it felt like a brick weighed on both our shoulders.
"There's something that I need to tell you," he confesses, catching me off-guard. Normally he just always spit out whatever he had to share because that's how it worked with us – total honesty, sharing policy as I stated. Why was he opening up this way? "I'm not just here in North Carolina because I came directly to your place. I stopped by to see Ryan."
"I'm not surprised, or caught off-guard to be honest. You are good friends, you said that wouldn't change, and any support right now after what happened is warran-"
"I don't think you are getting what happened." I freeze because there was only one thing that I could think of beyond a simple conversation and comfort. I thought they were done together. I thought he swore to never bark up that tree again after what happened. Did I really want to hear this before leaving town?
"So what happened?" I might as well bite the bullet because if I don't, I will only think over those words repeatedly and drive myself crazy while I am away. That'll just make things worse because I may have theories worse than his words.
"I went to him for comfort. I put the offer to him that I put to you – I wanted to feel loved, comforted, everything in-between, to forget the pain-"
"So you slept together?" He slowly nods his head as I take a deep breath. I wanted to resist every urge to yell at him and be angry, but fuck, I deserved to be upset to a degree. He was my boyfriend, we were committed to each other, and he fucking cheated on me while I was out of town. Considering we'd been both screwed by ex's before, you'd think this wouldn't happen right now.
"I also don't regret it because it was exactly what I needed – a brief break from having to deal with what happened, and a reminder of what I want to work towards. However, I also understand why you didn't want to due to your feelings attached and being worried about me in doing the wrong thing. I am not mad at you for saying no, but I still needed what I needed." He needed his needs satisfied, so rather than talk it out and try to justify with me, he takes the damn easy road out and runs back to familiar arms that are willing to take advantage of any damn situation for their own benefit.
"Did Ryan just easily accept without any resistance?" I was mad at him regardless for not understanding boundaries, not understanding what Chase was going through. However, I was also glad for Ryan because Chase was right in his words about my apprehensions. If I would've pushed too soon and hurt him, it probably would've cut deeper than any other person could.
"He questioned it. He pushed me a couple different ways because caving and taking total bliss together. Alex, I never meant to hurt you or cheat on you, bu-"
"But you went and did the same damn fucking thing that he did to you to me all because of your own needs." I wanted to be supportive, I wanted to just think about the benefits as to what happened. However, I couldn't help but be upset for my own selfish reasons. "I get it, I understand. I want to understand and still believe in you, but I'm hurt Chase. It hurts me to realize that I am out of town and you can just crawl back to him so easily."
"It's not like that, nor will it ever be like that. This was a simple one time..." His voice trails off, which is more than I already need to know. Clearly, that was a lie as there was probably more to the story here. What a hypocrite! "I love you. I care about you so much. I want to spend every second that I can with you. I want to have everything that we have together – emotional connection, friendship, the sex, the whole couple experience. Everything that we have together is beyond anything that I've had with someone else."
"That's what I thought this was, too." Of course, my mind was quickly changing due to his dumbass mistakes.
"However, if I am looking for some outside comfort, something to help me when you cannot – and I respect that again, Ryan is just the perfect person because we have history together and I can trust him to not go over the boundaries. He also respects that, in not wanting to ruin what we have because he wants this to work for us." It was really weird to think about it. The ex wanted it to work with the current boyfriend, so he just proceeded to allow the moment to happen while I was away.
"Can I tell you my damn honesty right now? I am mad at Ryan. I am mad at Ryan that he took advantage of you being vulnerable and hurt, looking for any potential cure possible for his own benefit. No doubt he made it feel as though he was helping you, but he took advan-"
"That's not tru-"
"He played your emotions perfec-"
"Only because I allowed him. Alex, after what I went through, I can swear to you that nobody is ever taking advantage or putting me in that situation again!" I freeze upon hearing his reaction, in knowing what I'd done immediately. Fuck. I had let my own emotions get in the way of what I was saying because here I had gone and hurt him, maybe worse than the idea of this all together, with simple words.
"I know that, and that's why I don't blame you. To be honest, I can't fully blame Ryan because I know he cares about you and it's easy to understand. However, putting a bandaid and covering a cut up doesn't work. You need to work on it, put the cream on, stitches, to ensure it heals properly. That's where I am mad – not at you, not at him totally, but the situation." It was why I couldn't bring myself to be the one to do with him, almost feeling that I was pushing what I just said instead of ensuring he took the right route necessary.
"So you're not totally mad, or upset about what happened?" If he would've asked me that 10 minutes, you damn well know my reaction. I actually almost said that I was angry and expressed my own pain over what happened. However, I knew I had to bite my tongue right now. This wasn't just about me. This was about the pain he was feeling that went deeper than what any of us experienced.
"I can't deny feeling some pain over you sleeping with someone else, but I also cannot stay mad at you. I understand your reasons, I understand Ryan's reasons even if I disagree, and if it has to be someone else, then fuck, let it be him." I then reach out, clasping his hands with my own because I didn't want to leave without this being said. "Just promise me one thing – you're fully committed to this, to us, and to working your way through what happened. Promise me that you love me, want to do everything for us, and that Ryan isn't going to become a reoccurring thought."
"I promise, Alex. Like I said – desperation and emotions over what happened got the best of me and that is where I wound up. While I don't regret it, it's not going to be a regular occurrence because you come first, no matter what." That was all I needed to hear as I leaned in, brushing my lips across his.
I know a lot of people would be left wondering, curious as what was happening when they weren't around. However, I trusted Chase. He knew the pain of being cheated on. He knew the pain of being taken advantage of. He knew the pain of keeping a lie for months. I knew that this wasn't going to be a regular problem.