Max
Whoa. Poor John. I got why he blamed himself, but not why everyone else did. They had no right to judge! I mean, it’s not like John had intended for her to die, right? And even if they did hold him responsible, they didn’t have to be so mean! I’d heard a few nasty comments and – why couldn’t they just ignore him instead? And then the image of Angry-John flashed through my head. There had been so much rage…such deep fury, in his eyes. Maybe the school was onto something…I shook my head internally. If you’d had everyone turn against you and lost all your friends for no good reason, you’d be pretty messed up too.
But, it dawned upon me, I had been through something like that too! I wasn’t messed up…much. Different people respond in different ways. That was true. I wondered what had happened to Nick. I was pretty sure he hadn’t lost all his friends – I’d have been there for him had the need arisen. I knew I would. Sure, we’d drifted apart, but both of us still held each other with the best-friend regard. Yeah, and you’re such a great friend – you hadn’t even realized he’d left Letterman.
That hit me, hard. Strange thing was that I was the one who had delivered the blow. Huh.
“And where are you coming from, young man?” I’d just parked and arrived inside the house. Mum had been waiting for me, apparently.
“Oh, nothing. Just came from school – we had basketball training.” I told her. I wasn’t too sure as to whether I wanted to let her in on the whole John thing, so I didn’t mention that episode.
“Basketball?” Why did she sound so surprised?
“Uh, yeah. I’m on the Maxim team…didn’t I tell you?”
“No, no you didn’t. But congratulations! Finally, some sense of normalcy is back, isn’t it?” I could tell that she was also asking me if everything was okay. Yeah Mum, it’s great. Just great. I have made a total of two friends – one of whose brother hates me, the other who has some serious issues. Nick’s there too…you remember him? My best friend? Well, he hates me too, and…
I realized Mum’s lips were moving. Oops.
“Sorry, I got a little distracted. Everything is fine, really. What were you saying?”
“I asked whether there was anything you wanted to tell me, or ask me. Or Dad.” She looked pretty concerned – I don’t blame her. When your son who just switched schools because he’s gay doesn’t respond to your asking him whether everything is alright and he doesn’t respond, your being concerned is justified.
“Nah, don’t worry. It’s all good.” Thinking of the way things were going with John, things were better than good. I smiled to myself.
“What was that you just said?” Mum was suddenly smiling as well. Wait, what?
“Uh, nothing?”
“It’s better than good?” she emphasized on ‘better’. “What’s going on?” Holy- I had NOT just said that out loud! I always wondered how people could be so idiotic as to not be aware of what they were saying – well, they’re no longer idiots. Just…distracted.
“It’s nothing.” My cheeks were starting to warm up, and the playful tone in Mum’s voice wasn’t helping, either.
“Have you met someone?”
“No!” That was out even before she could complete her question. Well done, Max. Now it’s obvious that there’s someone who’s caught your interest.
Mum realized this too – she was smiling in the ‘ooh-I-know-who-you-like’ way, which doesn’t even make sense, because she doesn’t even know who ‘him’ is.
“What’s his name?” She stretched out the word ‘name’, so she sounded like the average TV chick who’s teasing her nerdy best friend who just admitted (*gasp*) to liking someone. And my face, it wasn’t warm anymore. The heat had turned up and I was feeling more embarrassed than ever.
“Mum!” I grumbled.
“Oh come on, I’m only asking for his name!”
“We’re not dating so it’s nothing, really.”
“You like him.” Yes Mum, wasn’t it obvious?
I sighed in resignation. “His name is John. Now don’t say anything else!” I blushed. This was so embarrassing! I mean, I had just admitted that I had a crush on a guy to my MUM. And she was…my MUM.
“Aww, my son is blushing!” Seriously? She’s my mother, she shouldn’t be ‘aww’-ing at anything!
“Mum, shurrup.” I had to leave the room. Or I’d die. I have a theory that when you blush and keep blushing, there is no limit to how much blood flows to your face. And if a certain level is crossed, all the heat would cause your face to catch fire. And you’d die.
I bumped into Lucy as I was making my exit.
“God, sorry! You alright?” I had managed to knock my little sister down. Gosh she was tiny!
“I’m fine Max. Don’t worry.” She stood up, giggling as she said that. Eh? What was so funny?
“What’s up? Why are you laughing?” I picked her up and hoisted her above my shoulder, like they do in cartoons when the princess is being kidnapped. She kept giggling.
“Max! Put me down.” You can imagine what that sounded like – a seven year old whine-giggling at her older brother.
“What? What’s so funny?” I threw her onto the sofa – yes, threw. But before you go calling Social Security, I should have you know that the sofa was one of those light and airy ones, sort of like a jumping castle.
Then the tickle-monster within me emerged.
“Max! Max! Stop…it!” she was still giggling like crazy.
“Say please.”
“Plea-please!”
I relented. Mum had been watching us in amusement, now she said. “Max, watch over her. I need to drop off some stuff in the neighborhood so I’ll be out for a while.”
“Kay.”
I turned back to Lucy, who had this huge smile on her face. It was clear she was excited about something…but what?
“What’s up?” I asked her. It’d better not be that she too knew of my crush on John and found it ‘aww’-worthy.
“I’m happy to see you. I haven’t seen you for ages!”
Damn. I realized she was right – I hadn’t beenaround for lately, and I suppose I had neglected her. I couldn’t remember the last time was that we had bonded (yes, bonded, which was pretty much her telling me about her school, then me getting her to say I was awesome by tickling her to threatening to throw her in the neighbor’s pool). Before the guilt could overcome me, though, she added something.
“But that’s okay. I’ve got something to tell you. Something happened to me and I get to tell you, so it’s okay.” Oh?
“What is it?”
Pause. Her little face was scrunched up in concentration, as though she were trying to get the words right.
“Well, today…there is this boy called Jamie in my class and…” she paused again. Her eyes were bright and…wait a minute. Did my seven year old sister have a crush on a guy called Jamie? If she did, well, he’d better not be a brat and tease her or anything…
“…another boy!” she squealed. Uh-oh. I just missed something.
“Lucy. Say that again. A bit slowly though.” She’d feel bad if she knew that I hadn’t heard her because I’d gotten distracted.
“Jamie in my class said he liked another boy!” she squealed again. “His name is Tom,” she added as an afterthought.
She had all my attention. A seven year old knew he was gay?! I saw an opportunity here, and jumped at it immediately.
“Well, that’s interesting.” I began carefully.
“No! It’s not! It’s yucky!” Ouch.
I continued nevertheless. “Why? It shouldn’t matter whether the person you like is a boy or girl.”
Another high pitched squeal. One in disgust. The ‘ewww’ kind. “It’s wrong!”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t have two Daddies! It has to be one Mummy and one Daddy and if people aren’t like that they’re weird!” She was getting more defensive as I questioned her opinion.
“I don’t understand. Why is it weird?”
“Because they’re freaks!” To my greatest astonishment, she yelled that at my face then stormed out of the room.
My calm façade dissolved and I allowed that sinking feeling that had become second-nature to my existence to let its presence be felt. Freak. Her words stung. My very sister thought it was wrong to be gay. At least I knew that – she was still young, she was being honest. But what about Mum and Dad? What if they wished I were straight? Only supported me because I was their son, not because they were okay with my orientation?
Stop it. What are you playing at? I couldn’t help it though – what if they felt that way? Then were would that leave me?
I was working myself up, which wasn’t really any good. I needed to think. But first-
Knock, knock.
“What is it?” Lucy sounded cross.
“I wanted to see if you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.”
“Can I come in?”
She remained silent for a while before responding in the affirmative.
“Are you still mad at me?” I sat on the edge of her bed, watching as she colored in a picture of a fairy.
“A bit.” She admitted.
“I’m sorry. I was just trying to get you to see that there’s nothing wrong if people like others who are like them.”
“I think it’s wrong. But that doesn’t matter; it’s Jamie who’s a freak. You’re not, so it’s okay.” She smiled at me, and my heart broke.
Not literally, of course, but still. Freak.
**
Freak. That word was still in mind when I woke up the following morning, and it didn’t hurt any less. My sister would hate me if she knew that I liked guys. She’d…think I was a freak.
No point obsessing over it. She doesn’t have to know.
That was my plan. How hard could it be? I mean, I was already keeping the fact from the whole of Letterman, so who was, I swallowed when the thought occurred to mind, my sister? It’s not like she’d see me with a guy – if I ever got into a relationship, that is. And Mum and Dad weren’t going to discuss it at dinner or anything, so I was safe.
“Max! Wait for me!” she said, as I was leaving the house to go to school.
I turned around to see her bounding towards me, a paper in her hand.
“What’s up?” I asked, trying to get a look at what was in her hand. She’d held it deliberately in a way that wouldn’t allow me to get a glimpse though.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday. So I made you a drawing.” She said.
I could feel myself melting at that. She was a sweet kid. She extended her hand to hand me the drawing, which I took after kissing the top of her head and telling her it was okay.
“Let’s see what you’ve got for me here,” I started, opening up the drawing…then froze. Lucy had drawn a family of stick figures – an adult male, adult female, and child. The male was labeled as Max, the female as ‘Max’s Wife.’
“For you.” She smiled at me, with an expectant expression on her face.
I could feel an unpleasant heat wash over me. I forced a smile and said “Thanks a lot. I’m going to keep it.” – which was all I could manage. I left the house faster than I normally would, feeling sick. What was I supposed to do? Tell Lucy that I liked guys and I’d never have a wife? That I was just like Jamie?
Cruel and heartless as it sounds I am, I crumpled that drawing and stuffed it in my pocket, before driving away.
**
I met up with Maya almost as soon as I entered the hall-way. She was standing about with some of her friends, and this time, I didn’t wait for her to invite me over.
“Hey!”
“Hey Maya…what’re you up to?”
“Nothing really, you tell me. How was basketball yesterday?”
I snorted. “In one word, a disaster. Rodney kept trying to get at me, so John tried to get back at…” I stopped, realizing that Ryan was her brother, so she wouldn’t be too amused.
“At?”
“Don’t get mad – Ryan. Nick was sort of neutral…and needless to say, we didn’t accomplish anything.”
You know how people say ‘no offense meant’ then go ahead and insult you? Well, that’s sort of what happened here – Maya got mad.
“John went after Ryan?” she sounded like she was being strangled. “What exactly does that mean?”
Sensing her reaction, I hurriedly started to reassure her that nothing much had happened. “Hey, don’t worry. It’s nothing serious – John kept trying to trip him up, and they fouled each other a lot later on.”
Maya didn’t seem very calm – and I hadn’t even told her how John kept trying to hit both his and Rodney’s faces with the ball.
“Maya! Chill! It’s nothing serious!” I waved in her face, trying to get her to snap out of it.
“It is serious, Max.” she said softly, emphasizing all her words.
“How come? Coach was there too, it’s not like he’d let anything happen.” I didn’t understand why she was saying what she was saying.
“You don’t want to make an enemy of John, trust me. It’s okay for you, since he likes you and all, but...I don’t want him to have any animosity against Ryan.”
I saw where she was going. All of this had to do with Jessica, didn’t it? She was another of those biased people, wasn’t she?
“I think you’re wrong.”
She looked at me in surprise – I guess that came off more aggressive than I intended.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Max. I do.”
Her tone – sort of condescending – annoyed me. “This is to do with Jessica, isn’t it?”
Ha, her face. If she was surprised earlier – it was nothing in comparison to her expression now. “How do you know- I never told you her name!”
“John told me. And to be honest, I don’t think it’s fair that you’re blaming him. It wasn’t really his fault.” I started to say, but Maya cut me off.
“I don’t want to talk about this, kay? I don’t want to talk about Jess or John or anything.”
Huh. But I guess I wasn’t being fair on her either – Jess had been her best friend…or something like that, and this couldn’t be easy on her. I nodded in agreement.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s just, hard for me, you know? I didn’t mean to snap at you either.”
We smiled at each other at about the same time, and I knew it was all okay.
“I have to go now – I’ll see you later, alright?” she was a whole lot more cheerful now – good. I nodded again, then started walking towards my locker.
“I’ve been waiting for you.” I felt hot breath roll down the back of my neck. My head was half in the locker – I’d been taking out some books – when I heard that voice. His voice. John.
“Hey.” I turned around real quick, in the process almost smashing my Math textbook into his chest.
“Relax, it’s just me.”
“I know – you just surprised me. What’s up?”
“We have practice today…in fact, we’re going to be having it four times a week from now.”
Odd. Yeah, we were sportsmen and all, but that was pushing it. “How come?”
“I think it has something to do with how well yesterday’s practice went down. We didn’t make too much progress, in case you didn’t notice.” He laughed.
Wow. He was still standing really close to me – I could smell his deodorant…or cologne, whichever it was. That realization caught up with me, and I looked down to my feet. We weren’t dating or anything, but…I couldn’t deny that I was attracted to him. And the way he had no problem invading my personal space wasn’t helping make the attraction go away, you know?
**
Let’s just get to basketball training, shall we? The practice hadn’t been all that great – but it wasn’t as bad as the day before. We actually did our best to score in the basket – we’d sort of taken up a challenge to show the other that we were better shooters…and in the one-on-ones, Coach Tanner had to call only about 30 fouls.
It was a definite improvement. Nevertheless, it wasn’t good enough for Coach Tanner to dare let us complete the full duration – he probably thought someone would end up in hospital if we did do the whole hour and a half, and he was probably right. We were released twenty minutes earlier.
Since I wasn’t expected home just then, I decided to shower at school. I was feeling pretty hot, and sticky because of the sweat, and I needed to get it off as soon as possible. I’m not a cleanliness freak, but nobody likes feeling that way.
The water was just the right temperature. I could stay there forever…if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d need food and I wasn’t going to get any if I were showering. I took my own sweet time, soaping myself thoroughly, waiting for a bit, then rinsing the suds off. I decided to wash my hair as well – yes, I used soap, sue me. I’d probably shampoo it when I got home, but still. I then turned the hot water tap off, and started the cold water – I wasn’t done showering just then.
I’d probably have stayed that way for a while if it wasn’t for the fact that I saw a silhouette. One of the guys was standing outside, really close to the bench where I’d kept all my stuff. Any mood I had to remain under the shower dissipated immediately – I was nervous. From the silhouette, I could tell that it was either John or Rodney – Nick and Ryan were too short…and that made me slightly less anxious. I didn’t want it to be Nick – I wasn’t sure if I could handle another face-off with him.
I prayed it was John – because I didn’t want to get in trouble for trashing Rodney, either.
It was.
He was standing near my shorts when I emerged, towel wrapped around my waist and all. In his hand was the crumpled drawing Lucy had made for me – it was still balled up, and John was just studying it. He looked up when I emerged, and smiled at me.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” I wasn’t sure if I ought to add anything else, so I just walked towards the bag that had a fresh change of clothes and unzipped it.
“I came looking for you, and saw this piece of paper had fallen close to where your clothes were. I assume it’s yours?” he started, watching as I pulled out a pair of boxers.
“Yeah, it is.” This was making me feel funny – he was just staring and…with as much nonchalance as possible, I put on the boxers and shorts, still well aware that he was watching.
“What is it?” he was curious.
“It’s something my sister drew for me.”
“And you’ve crumpled it up? Tsk, tsk…” he started mock-chiding, but my dark expression caused him to stop.
I put on my shirt.
“What is it? Exactly, I mean.” He didn’t sound playful anymore – he must have sensed my mood.
“Open and see for yourself.” I still sounded pretty cold, but that didn’t deter John. He opened it up carefully as I now took to packing my stuff.
“It’s a drawing of you and your wife and your kid.” His voice sounded funny. I suppose it would be – why would anybody have such a negative response towards an innocent drawing their little sibling drew for them?
“Yeah.” I sighed. I wasn’t mad at John, so it wasn’t fair that I was being mean to him.
I was done packing, so I just sat down. I wasn’t facing John, he was at an about ninety-degree angle from me, and he was standing.
“I don’t get your reaction to it…what’s so bad about it?”
“It’s nothing really. She drew it as a means of apology ‘cause of an argument she and I had yesterday.” I didn’t care to elaborate.
“Oh…so you don’t forgive her?”
“No. I mean, I do forgive her but…”
“But what?” his voice was a whole lot softer...he seemed pretty concerned.
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s obviously something, if it’s bothering you so much.” He had come closer to me, so he was now standing right next to where I was sitting, and I could tell he was looking at me.
I didn’t want to have that conversation. I couldn’t think of any story that would explain my reaction – except the truth. But I wasn’t going to let anybody know I was gay. I’d seen how well that had worked out the first time round.
“Never mind.” I tried to brush him off, but the guy’s pretty stubborn.
He took a seat next to me. “You can trust me.”
“I know…but I don’t want to,” I paused, “talk about it.” I finished lamely.
“I think it would do you some good.” He said, his voice still soft.
“I’d rather not.” I said he’s stubborn, but that doesn’t mean I’m not.
“Max. Tell me.” He wasn’t gentle anymore, he had adopted a deep, commanding tone.
I looked up in surprise at this sudden change, and I could feel annoyance bubbling over. I wasn’t going to tell him anything, and if he thought he could just get it out of me, he was wrong. Looking him straight in his dark eyes, I told him to mind his own business and walked away.
Not.
“I’m gay.” I whispered – he was right, talking about it would make me feel better. And I don’t know, I wanted to tell him.
“What?” It wasn’t the ‘I-heard-what-you-said-but-don’t-want-to-believe-you’ what, it was the ‘huh?-I-have-no-idea-what-you-just-said’ what, so I repeated myself, loudly.
“I’m gay.” I looked up in his face, and he was still there. He hadn’t turned away. But he wasn’t saying anything either.
“That was what your argument was about?”
“Sort of.” I choked out. Internally I berating myself for telling him, but I’d done it. Might as well follow through.
“She doesn’t like the idea of same-sex couples.” He stated. He was quick.
I shook my head in response. I didn’t trust myself to say anything – I was afraid I’d tell him some more; let him in deeper.
He stared at me in silence.
“It’s also why you transferred to Maxim, isn’t it? The time you said it was a long story?” he broke the silence after about a minute.
I nodded.
“You weren’t planning on telling anyone, were you?”
I shook my head.
Aren’t I the best to have conversations with?
“I’m glad I found out though.” He said – no emotion in his voice to give away what was going through his mind.
I started to open my mouth to ask ‘why’, but he must have seen that coming. I didn’t get to ask that question, because he had started to lean closer as soon as he’d said he was glad.
“Because I can....” He whispered, and before I could process what was happening, I felt his lips on mine.