Mitch didn't answer when Maria knocked on his door, nor was he at the basketball courts or responding to his texts. She had one more place to try before she'd give up and shop solo. It wasn't ideal both because the items might be heavy for one person, and she missed spending time with him now that dates with Tom filled her weeks, but if Mitch had bailed, Prae and the party came first. Maria hoped Prae and Tom weren't too overworked making those pierogies without her.
At their apartment pool, long slightly tanned arms broke through the water with controlled pulls. His muscles bulged and glistened with each one while his feet splashed the surface. His head turned to the side long enough for a breath before tucking back into the water. Maria sat on a lounge chair and waited, unable to tear her gaze from the man. After a few minutes, his kicking and strokes grew slower, and he stopped near the corner of the pool. Mitch staggered as he stood.
"Are you okay?" Maria called out.
He pulled off his goggles and gripped the pool ledge at his waist. Her eyes could hardly leave his body which stirred all kinds of feelings in her. He seemed even more ripped than he'd been at the beach or the other times she'd run into him leaving the pool since then.
He laughed to himself, making his pecks dance. "I'll give you a minute."
"Sorry?"
"I said I was good and sorry I lost track of time. How are you doing other than being super distracted?"
"I was contemplating when you got so jacked."
Mitch chuckled and pulled himself out of the water which did nothing for her ability to focus on anything but his body. He sat on the edge of the pool, water beading off his gray swim trunks.
"My chef neighbour has replaced me as her food sampler, and I need some time away from those thin walls."
She cringed. Had he heard her and Tom making out? It had started out fun but then got awkward. "Sorry."
"It's fine. I wasn't a gentleman about that when you first moved in. It's your space. As long as you're happy, do whatever you want."
His words 'when you first moved in' struck her. Had he still been sleeping around like when they met? He was a single flirt, and he had no reason to abstain. Her legs stuck uncomfortably together as she tried to move in the heat.
"Are you not happy with Tom?" Instead of the usual ribbing, genuine concern laced his voice.
"Of course, I am." She was happier than she would be if she were alone and dealing with one-sided feelings for Mitch.
"You had me worried for a second there."
"Why?"
"Because you're my friend and I care that you're taken care of properly?"
Maria took the towel on the chair next to her and walked it over to Mitch, but he didn't take it. He patted the spot beside him. She set the towel on the pool deck and used it like a cushion. "Thanks. Tom's still weird about our friendship."
"I think you know why that is."
Mitch's sky-blue eyes met hers and she couldn't look away. It could be because they'd made out and Maria had offered to sleep with him last month, or because Mitch was a relentless flirt, except for recently, or because as much as she fought and denied it, she still had feelings for him.
She sighed. "It sucks because you're my best friend in Thailand, and I feel guilty when we hang out."
"I'm your best friend, not Emma or Prae?"
"Emma and Prae are close seconds, but you get me and know my painful secrets, whether I wanted you to or not."
"Sorry for forcing truths out of you if you weren't ready to share."
"It's okay. Sometimes you need to face the truth even if it's agonizing."
Mitch dipped his toes back in the water. "I probably owe you some secrets to balance out this friendship."
"You don't owe me anything." Although she suspected he hid enough about his life and was one hundred percent intrigued by his offer. Would she find out why he avoided relationships?
His chest rose and fell slowly as the pool's surface grew calmer and glassier. As he closed his eyes, whose dark circles were more pronounced in the artificial lighting, she sat in silence with him for a good minute.
"I had a sister." His face twisted and lips pressed together as if someone had struck him. His feet rippled the water.
Maria reached out and took his hand. She couldn't imagine the devastation of that loss. He looked at her and exhaled. His mouth kept opening, but no words came out, so Maria tried to help him with some questions. "Older or younger?"
"Younger, just by a little."
"Hopefully less snarky than mine."
He laughed softly. "She was pretty headstrong."
Maria waited for him to add more, but despite meeting her gaze, he remained silent. The fragments of his closed-off life he'd shown her in the past floated back to her. She'd assumed the friend he'd talked about was an ex or someone who'd hurt him, but it must have been his sister.
"Was she the one who loved history and wanted to visit Thailand?" Mitch nodded. "And who was the artist?" He nodded again.
He'd said they were high school students then, so her loss couldn't have been too long ago. Maybe a drunk driving accident? Instead of asking, Maria scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him.
"You're going to get soaked," he protested.
"They're just clothes."
He squeezed her tight, his breaths growing more laboured. The water from his chest seeped into her tank top. "Her name was Em-Em-Emily," he whispered. Not long after, a warm droplet landed on her bare shoulder, then another. She tried to pull away to console him, but he said, "please don't," and held her tighter.
How did the man joke and flirt every day with so much pain trapped inside? "I'm so sorry, Mitch."
His chest heaved up and down. "I miss her so fucking much."
More tears fell on her shoulders, and she snuggled him even closer. Each one made her chest ache. She wished she could absorb the pain for him. A few minutes later, his breathing settled and his tears turned to the odd sniffle. As his skin grew colder against hers, he pulled away and shook his head.
"I ruined your outfit."
"That's not important. How are you feeling?"
When he answered, "fine," Maria crossed her arms until he said, "like I got hit by a bus." His blond eyebrows were pulled together and the wrinkles in his forehead matched his down-turned lips. His blue eyes had darkened to the shade of a stormy sky.
She stood up. "Let's go upstairs."
"What about the decorations?"
"Screw the decorations. People are coming for the food and pool anyway. You are more important than that." Tom might be mad, but Mitch's vulnerable face erased that outcome. She'd be there for Mitch whether or not it cost her Tom's trust.
As Mitch stood up and his legs wobbled, Maria reached out to steady him. "Do you need a minute?"
"I got this. I pushed myself a bit too hard today."
She handed him his towel, and he dried off, regaining his balance. They made slow progress up to their apartments but luckily didn't cross paths with anyone who'd get on their case or spread rumours like Becca. Maria helped him into his apartment.
As he headed into the shower, she scanned his room, which seemed different than when she visited last month. Many food containers didn't make it to the garbage and empty water bottles rested on tables and the floor. Clothes were strewn about on the couch, floor, his bed, and draped over chairs. It reminded her of when her ex's mental state would nosedive.
Was that what was happening with Mitch? He'd never seemed depressed, but he drank often and was very closed off. Given his reaction to talking about Emily, she suspected very few people knew who she was.
Maria gathered the obvious garbage into a plastic bag she found and opened up the window to clear out some stale air. While he was in the shower, she returned to her place to change and grab a clean pot, dishes, and a container of leftover curry and rice. She heated it up.
"Something smells delicious." Mitch came closer, bringing a piney body wash scent with him. "You're still here and you're cooking. I can't even say I'm surprised. You're a saint I don't deserve."
"I'm guessing you haven't eaten."
"Not really." He looked to the bathroom. "How long was I in there?"
"Not long. These are leftovers."
As she poured the curry into a bowl and grabbed cutlery for him, he tossed clothes into a hamper in the corner. "Sorry, despite what it looks like, I can take care of myself."
"It's all good. Between my sister and dad, I've seen worse."
He cleared the clutter and bottles off his coffee table. When his eyes darted to the bed, Maria wondered if he was recalling the last time they lay there together, when she'd made a fool of herself and he'd rejected her. He withdrew a blanket from his dresser and draped it over the couch. Everything here brought back how effortlessly close they had been but no longer were.
She walked over and handed him the bowl. "Want a drink?"
"Nah, not tonight. Help yourself though."
She sat at the opposite end of the couch cross-legged. "Are you feeling any better?"
Mitch nodded.
"You want to talk about it anymore or just pretend it didn't happen and watch a movie?"
He let the spoon rest in the bowl. "I've been pretending it didn't happen for three years."
"That's a long time." It was as long as he'd lived in Thailand. She thought she'd had it bad escaping an abusive relationship, but losing a sister was a whole other world of pain. They ate in silence for a few minutes.
"My memories with her are like another lifetime."
"Have any favourites?"
Mitch was quiet and stared at the photograph of the lonely man in the field long enough that Maria almost changed the subject. He set his half-eaten bowl of food on the table and drew his knees to his chest.
"The summer after graduation, she had this idea for a road trip to the West coast. She, Shawn, and I visited Yellowstone, then kept going to the Cascades and Mount Rainier, and finished up in Seattle." Mitch tapped his fingers against his knees.
"Sounds pretty epic."
He smiled. "Yeah. Partway there, someone broke into the truck, stole all of our gear, and busted the back side window."
"That's awful." Maria stirred her curry, unsure if she wanted to know how the story ended.
"That's what I thought. Our parents would be super pissed, and I was so stressed and ready to drive home, but she was determined to continue the trip. She dragged Shawn off to gather stuff from the woods while I guarded the vehicle. When she got back, she created these natural murals of the mountains from sticks and pinecones stones on the pavement near the entrance to the trails. Every time someone stopped to ask what she was doing, she'd explain the theft and how she wanted to finish this road trip with her best friend and brother before they left for college. Most would donate money for a photo of her work." He wore a thin smile, but it seemed sincere.
"By the end of the day, she'd earned more than enough cash for us to replace the tent and sleeping bags, and a guy whose buddy owned a repair shop had talked his friend into fixing the window for just the cost of the glass. We even had offers to stay in people's RVs or homes on the West coast."
"Wow, that's amazing!"
"I was so proud of her and so pissed."
"Because of the theft?"
Mitch shook his head and dug his fingers into his hair. "She'd accomplished so much with sticks and conversation when I was ready to give up. All my stupid high school and parents could see were the things she couldn't do, the reasons she couldn't graduate with us, but she was so damned brilliant, and it was obvious. But she'd internalized what they thought, and was oblivious to her talents."
"She's lucky to have a brother like you."
"She wasn't." Tears welled in his eyes until they spilled like a downpour. She nestled into his side and held him tight. His voice came out weakly, "I wasn't any better than them. I made her believe if she had the right help, she'd graduate like us, and be 'successful'. If I had listened to what she wanted, she could have been so much happier. Instead, she suffered for her cruelly short life."
"You can't blame yourself. You did what you thought was best."
Did he want her to say more? Sometimes with her ex, it had worsened the situation, so she continued to hold Mitch while remaining quiet.
"Will you stay?" Mitch whispered. "I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to hurt anyone."
Maria wiped a tear off his cheek. Was she already far enough down this slippery slope that it didn't matter what choice she made?
"I promise I won't do anything to jeopardize what you have with Tom."
She took in the dark circles under his puffy, bloodshot eyes. Their glassiness made her heart ache. This wasn't a man trying to trick her. He needed a life raft. "I trust you, and I'll stay. Do you want to lie down?"
"Would you join me? I promise I won't—"
"Yeah."
She helped pull him to his feet as he stumbled toward the bed. Once he was lying down, he snuggled her close. A soothing warmth enveloped her like the first summer breeze after a chilly spring. She'd been searching for this feeling with Tom through their dates, kisses and stories, but in Mitch's arms, she knew there was no other place where she was so at home.
If she broke up with Tom, would Mitch still feel as safe around her or was it only because she was dating someone else that Mitch was open because she had another outlet for her emotions? She sighed. Finding out could cost her every hope of being loved out here.