An apathetic person is someone who shows no hint of interest, enthusiasm, and concern. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder, is showing apathy my façade?
I am completely aware that my walls are too high and i'm not the easiest person to read. I'm never understood, unless someone pays attention.
I question myself a little too much until it slowly sinked in that... maybe my walls are too high because I don't want people to see the problem in me— a problem that shouldn't even be there.
What problem can I possibly encounter, right? I was raised by good people in a good environment. They've been very supportive of me and they never pressured me. I have a good sister who loves me dearly. I was raised being so loved and validated.
I grew up being so used to the love, adoration, and appreciation.
And that's the problem.
I am so used to receiving it that it made me fear losing it. I'm afraid of disappointments because I grew up without ever disappointing the people that I love— or maybe they just didn't let me see it.
My parents sheltered me from cruelty and pain that I became afraid of it. I became unaware. I fail to recognize and describe my emotions properly. I fail to differentiate how it feels to be uncomfortable and how it feels to have my heart broken.
After two hours of crying inside the bathroom, I ended up laying on my bed— staring at the ceiling.
The tears stopped.
My chest still tightening.
It's still heavy.
It's still hurting.
How do people get rid of this?
My phone suddenly beeped. My brows furrowed when I read a text from Papa.
From: Pa
Open your door whenever you're ready, Doc. Papa's here.
I pushed myself up to open the door for Papa. He was really there holding a tray with food. I bit my lips when I suddenly felt an urge to cry again. He has always been there for me— whenever I need him and whenever I don't. He's always there.
"You didn't eat." He said.
Binuksan ko nang malaki ang pinto para makapasok si Papa.
Nilapag niya sa side table yung dala niyang pagkain.
I went back to my bed. I sat at the edge, and dropped my vision on the floor.
He went to me and kneeled to see my face. I felt him wiping the tears in my cheeks— I didn't realize that I was already crying.
I looked at the first man in my life. The man who never made me feel less. The man who never made me cry.
"You'll be more upset if I tell you that I'm mad at him." He stated.
I slowly nodded. "But I am." He said.
"It's not his fault."
"Doc, whose fault it is doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to me is that you were hurt." His voice was calm but I knew he was mad. "Someone made you cry... that's something I can't... accept."
"Please don't be mad, Pa." I muttered. "It's okay..."
"How can you say that when you're not?"
"It's my fault." I said. "I'm just really stressed out because finals week is coming. I was just too sensitive. It's on me, Pa."
"Pa, baka sakitan ka ng tuhod." Sabi ko dahil nakaluhod pa rin siya sa harapan ko hanggang ngayon.
"Doc, do you know why I'm mad?" He sighed. "I'm mad because I know you love him and I know exactly what you are when you love."
I question everything... about myself.
"Pa, pagod lang po ako." Paliwanag ko kay Papa. Papa sighed before standing up.
"I won't push this conversation. Please eat." He said before kissing the top of my head. "I love you, my big girl."
I watched him leave my room.
--
Cole and I didn't go back to Taguig together. I decided to leave early just so I wouldn't see him. Just so he wouldn't see my state.
I don't want him to blame himself.
Hindi niya kasalanan na nasasaktan ako.
Finals week is coming. I'm just stressed. Stress makes people sensitive.
I decided to just focus on my upcoming finals. I drowned myself in studying my materials and notes. For days, I kept my phone off.
But in between breaks, I can't help but ask myself.
Did he call?
Is he looking for me?
Is he worried?
I can't help but wonder how's he doing. I'm really worried about him. It's been three days since I last saw him. I haven't checked up on him after his birthday.
That's something a girlfriend shouldn't do.
Just when will you stop disappointing yourself, Erica Vienne?
I sighed and decided to open my phone.
I hope he's okay.
My brows furrowed when I suddenly received a call. The number was unregistered.
I clicked the answer button and waited for the person to talk first.
"Hey! Finally, you picked up!"
Lalong kumunot ang noo ko nang marinig ko ang boses sa kabilang linya.
It was Matty.
"Where did you get my number and why are you calling before texting me?" I fired.
"Woah! Chill! I got it from C! He gave your number."
Sino ba sa tingin niya ang niloloko niya? Tanga ba ang tingin niya sa akin? Why would Cole give my number to him when he, of all people, knows how much I value consent and my privacy?
"Anyway, I just wanted to invite you to my birthday this sunday. Cole's invited."
"I'll check my schedule." I said.
"What a polite way to say no."
Trust me, if you're not my boyfriend's friend, you would get a rude one.
"Finals is coming. I'm busy." I said.
It was a surprise that he didn't push it. "Okay, then. Just hit me up if you change your mind."
I dropped the call after saying okay. I just really hate it when people call me without texting me first.
"How are you doing, my ghoster?"
Agad na lumipad ang paningin ko sa taong biglang umupo sa harap ko at nagsalita.
It was my boyfriend!
Parang may kumurot sa puso ko nang makita ko siya.
I missed him. I hope it shows.
"Hey..." I greeted him. "How are you?"
Tumayo siya at lumipat sa upuan na katabi ko.
"What happened, Erica Vienne?" He asked.
A lot of scenes flashed on my mind.
I wanted to tell him.
But I couldn't. I don't want to be a burden. He's got a lot on his plate already.
He doesn't need to deal with an insecure and immature girlfriend.
He didn't do anything wrong.
"I'm sorry, I was so busy." I reasoned out.
He reached for my hand, squeezed it, then kissed it three times.
My heart clenched. I don't even know why it's hurting. It's just hurting.
"Why did you turn off your phone?"
He called me.
He looked for me.
"I wanted to focus." I whispered.
In the end, he sighed. Then he nodded. "I understand."
He was still holding my hand. "Are we okay? Do we have a problem?" He asked me.
"I'm sorry for leaving just like that." I apologized.
We stayed silent for the next minutes until I decided to open Matty's birthday on Sunday.
"Are you going to Matty's birthday, this Sunday?"
Please say no.
"Oh right, it's this Sunday." He nodded. "If I'm not busy. Why? Wait, you guys talk?"
"He told me that you gave him my number."
His brows furrowed. "I did? Why would I do that?"
"Hey, listen..." I called his attention.
"Yeah?"
"It's about Matty."
I was about to tell him that Matty's making advances to me when his groupmates called him.
Damn it.
He raised his palm as a sign of wait before turning back to me. "What about Matty?"
I sighed. They're waiting for him.
This can wait.
"It's okay. It's nothing." I said.
He tilted his head to the side while looking at me. He was probably trying to figure me out. I smiled at him.
"See you." I said.
In the end, Cole went with his groupmates and I resumed studying.
--
The week passed just like that. Next thing I know, it was already Sunday. I was already cleaning my table because I finished studying when Cole called. He's at Matty's birthday.
Good thing, our exams will start on Tuesday. If he decides to drink his ass off tonight, he's got a whole day tomorrow to deal with his hangover.
"Hey," he greeted.
"Yeah?"
"Are you sure you don't want to come?" He asked me. "My friends want to know you. We'll just be quick?"
As much as I want to meet all of his friends, I'm really uncomfortable around Matty.
"I'm studying."
Your friend is hitting on me. I wanted to say.
"Okay, I understand. I'm sorry." He said. "Can I come over later?"
"Why?"
"Just because?"
I rolled my eyes at his answer.
Pwede namang sabihin na lang na miss ako.
"Take care. See you."
When the call ended, I started doing my night routine. It was already almost 10 in the evening.
I was already putting serum on my face when the bottle slipped off my hand.
"Shit!"
The serum was in a glass bottle so the glass shattered.
For some reason, my heart pounded.
Why am I nervous?
I decided to shrug off what I was feeling and started picking up the glass pieces.
Not even a minute passed, my phone beeped.
As soon as I opened the message, my heart dropped.