Lou shows up at the apartment a few minutes later. She had moved to New York about 16 months ago and works from home. Marli is not sure what she does actually, besides sticking to Marli like glue. When she had once asked Lou what she does for work, Lou said she works online for a very important fussy client that does her head in and has a big fucking mouth. She apparently has been instructed to look after his most precious asset but that it's top secret and she can't say much more than that. After Marli's split from Toby, she moved in with Lou, and honestly, she does not know what she would do without Lou. Lou was worried when Marli announced she had tickets to
Austin's show but as Marli explained this would help her close off the Austin chapter and help her move on. Lou looks nervous now and Marli knows it's just because she is worried as to how Marli is going to react when she sees Austin.
"Where have you been all afternoon, Lou?"
"I am 25 years old. You are not my mother. I don't have to tell you shit."
"You were at that salsa dance class. The one you pretend you don't go to."
"Shut up, Marli. What time are we leaving for this stupid show?"
"The show starts at 7 pm so we should actually leave now."
Lou lets out a heavy sigh and throws her not salsa shoes into the hall cupboard. "I am going to go for a quick shower and for the love of all things holy please stop playing on that guitar, my ears are fucking bleeding," she says and stomps off down the hallway.
~
They arrive in Midtown Manhattan and can hear the excitement coming from the fans at Madison Square Garden before they even see them. That electric energy she has been feeling all day is now tenfold and by the time they actually get to their seats in insection 108 the hairs on her arms are standing on end. They are not too far from the stage, but they are also not too close either. When the house lights go down there is no chance of Austin seeing her. She snorts at the ridiculous thought like Austin would even be looking for her. She lets herself think about some of the words to that scathing song he had written about her - letting herself remember that Austin hates her now. She is here only for closure. Besides, there are going to be 20 000 people here today, Austin would need to have superpowers to signal her out even if he was looking for her. Lou hands her a beer that she had gone to the concession stand to get and is busy grumbling about the long line when the house lights start to turn down. Marli's heart is in her throat, it's been two years and she is not sure she is ready to see him.
Then suddenly he appears. He just steps out of the shadows and walks up to the microphone, just like that. Marli's stomach does flip-flops.
The crowd is going wild, the lady next to Marli is so excited and is jumping up and down so much that half her popcorn is on the floor.
There is no music, no one besides Austin on the stage. He is just standing silently in front of the microphone looking out at the crowd. A soft smile on his beautiful full lips and a light dusting of facial hair on his strong jaw. After two years and lots of tears - Marli is still hopelessly in love with him. Stetson, black three-piece tailored suit with rhinestones splattered around it in swirling patterns, light pink dress shirt unbuttoned till just above the waistcoat, and black cowboy boots. He is also holding a guitar. Holy shit, he looks better than she thought he would. He has never looked so good. Austin slowly raises his hand up to still the crowd it takes some time but soon everyone is quiet. He then lifts the guitar up and hooks the strap over his shoulder the simple movement has the crowd screaming in excitement and so it takes a few more minutes for him to silence them again.
"Hello, my name is Austin Richard Post."
Crowd screams.
"I want to thank you all for coming out and I hope we put on a show here tonight that is worth your time."
Crowd screams.
"I also wanted to thank you all for standing by me when I let you down with my drinking and drug use."
The crowd stays silent.
"I want you all to know that every person in this stadium represents a reason for me to keep going with this sober thing, I can't do it without you. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for saving me."
The crowd goes wild, and the lady next to Marli loses the rest of her popcorn when she jumps up with her hands in the air. The man behind her screams that he loves Austin which starts everyone else from their area screaming that they too love him. When they quieten down Austin speaks again.
"Now when I was a broken man sitting in what felt like a cold dark house I wrote this next song, it has not been released but I am going to sing it tonight for the first time."
The crowd goes wild again and the lady next to Marli spills all of her friend's popcorn now when she grabs her and shakes her. "We are getting a new song!!" she screams. Austin's band runs onto the stage and gets into position. When the crowd quietness down somewhat Austin leans forward into the microphone.
"This song is about one of the bravest women I know. Loving someone like me is not easy."
Marli can't remember standing up but somehow she is clutching onto the railing that had been a meter in front of her seat. She looks down at her hands in disbelief and sees that she is griping the railing so tight her knuckles are white and she feels frozen in place. The intro of another song snaps her out of her daze, air, she needs air, cold air.
That song was about her. About them.
He has put it down in words for the world to hear and she does not know how to feel about it. So many of their intimate conversations are repeated in the song. Intense things like what she wrote in the letter or their last conversation in the tub. Stupid things like calling the fish at the aquarium his aunts and uncles. Toby. He speaks of Toby. She thinks. When did he see Toby? How does he know about Toby? Love of my life? He said she was the love of his life in the song. But that makes no sense. She heard him say that he had someone he is in love with and happy during the interview. Oh wow; what does his girlfriend think of all this? Marli's head is spinning.
"Lou, take me home now. This was a mistake," she says. She gathers her coat and is already walking off by the time Lou catches up to her. "Wait M, wait!" Lou tugs on Marli's shoulder "No, I should not have come here. I need to get out of here. What if he sees me and tries to talk to me," Marli says. Lou pulls on Marli's shoulder again "Who will see you? Who is trying to talk to you?" she asks. Marli stops abruptly in the passage. "Austin! I don't want him to know I am here," she says. Lou looks at Marli confused. "He definitely does not know you are here. He does not think you want to see him again," Lou says with so much surety. Marli is now confused, that was a weird statement. What the hell did Lou mean by that? "Lou? What do you mean by that? How would you know that?" Mark asks. Lou shakes her head and drops her chin to her chest. "You are my job, M," she whispers. "What? I don't understand what you are talking about Lou?" Marli has a sinking feeling in her chest. Lou looks up at Marli, she has a guilty look on her face. "After Austin was sober for about a month and was thinking straight he called me up and asked me to work for him again. He was worried all the time about you and wanted me to look out for you and make sure you were safe. I agreed. That's when I called you saying I got a job in New York," Lou explains. Marli can't believe what she is hearing. "You have been spying on me the whole time?" she asks taking a step back when Lou reaches out to her.
"No. Not spying M. I was just there to make sure you are OK. I never shared anything personal with him. I only updated him that you were safe. I never told him about Toby or anything like that. He didn't want to know. He just wanted to make sure you were looked after," Lou explains. Marli shakes her head. She does not believe Lou. "He knows about Toby. He put him in his song. Oh, holy shit! He offered Toby that job in Mexico!" Marli says. Lou shakes her head. "I swear I never told him anything about Toby!" she confirms and steps closer to Marli. Marli moves backward from Lou shaking her head. "Then how does he know? Did he know I was coming here tonight?" she asks. Lou looks like she is trying to search for answers in her head "I have no idea M. I swear, and he doesn't know you are here. You are being paranoid," she says reaching out her hand but Marli swats it away. "I don't believe you. I thought we were friends Lou. You betrayed me no matter how you look at it," she says. Lou shakes her head. "I am really sorry, M. I only took the job because I love you, I was worried about you too," she says. Marli looks to the side, she needs to get out of here. "Don't follow me, Lou," she warns then turns on her heel and bolts out of the stadium.
She didn't want to go back to the apartment, Lou will be there, waiting for her and she can't face her. So she is now sitting at some Irish pub listening to Irish karaoke. It's not bad, but she certainly has not had enough to drink to take part. She has feelings, lots of them and she is trying to put them in compartments but her body is vibrating so much she just doesn't seem to be able to do anything but sit here, sipping her beer and listening to Janet sing her third happy jig by The Clancy Brothers. Two years of hard work and one four-minute song by Austin undoes the delicate ribbon she had tied around her ignored feelings. Fuck she wants to cry. Janet starts her fourth song and the bar erupts in drunk happy cheers. Marli frowns at the song. It's a happy song but also stupid. What the hell type of song is that? Her questioning face is caught by the bartender.
"This is one of the most well knows Irish folk songs. It's the story of a young man who drinks his way through life. One day he asks for credit as he has spent all his money, but the bar lady refuses him. By the end of the song, he says he will change and he goes home like the prodigal son and asks for forgiveness," the bartender says.
"Do you believe he has changed and does he get forgiveness?" Marli asks.
"If he had reason to. Then yes I believe he has changed. But, the question I think you should be asking is, do YOU believe he has changed? And forgiveness...well, everyone deserves forgiveness."
Her phone rings again, Lou has been trying to ring her since she split, but it's her mother's name that flashes so she answers.
"Marlize? My liefling? Are you okay? Lou phoned me."
"I am Ok...I think."
She had told her mum the whole story the day she left Austin and arrived back in New York. She told her everything. She never stopped her or interrupted her. Never frowned or looked disapproving of anything Marli said. Just nodded along as she laid her sorry story out for her mother. And now she is sitting in this Irish pub with everything lying shattered at her feet.
"Do you know I cheated on your father?"
"What?"
"Ya, before we were married. We were dating for a year and I went back to South Africa on holiday. I met up with an old boyfriend. I cheated."
"Ma, I never knew this."
"It's not something I am proud of Marlize. Embarrassing really. When I got back to America I broke up with your father. I told him that I cheated. He was upset and very hurt, but he forgave me. I was so disappointed in myself that I could not forgive myself so I broke up with him. I felt he deserved better than me."
Her mother sniffles a bit, then steadies herself.
"But, you guys got married. Had kids. How did you fix it."
"I went home Marlize. I let myself go home. Everything else just fell into place."
"I don't understand, Ma. You think going back to my apartment will help me see what's missing?"
"You know what missing, Marlize. Home is where the heart is. Once that is fixed and cherished, all the other stuff doesn't really matter."
"I don't get how a building can just fix everything. That does not make sense."
"Is that home? A building? Home for me was never a place."
"What should I do, Ma?"
"Go home Marlize"
Home. Austin.
"Ek is lief vir ma."
"I love you too."