I open my eyes and I see the beautiful sight of Jesus next to me. He has this very low snore when he's into deep sleep, it's very cute. Today is Saturday, I've been staying at Jesus house the whole week. I haven't been home since the incident of Monday night, but I'm going to have to go back home at one point to face my father. He's trying so it's my turn to suck it up and try too.
It felt good to be away from Ethan. It gave me some time to think without seeing him, I made a promise to Jesus and he's keeping his... I hope, so I owe it to him to keep my promise, even though I already broke it by telling Ethan I love him too, but that was my last slip up. From now on I'm devoted to Jesus, Ethan's going to have to understand. I think he understood because I've been ignoring his text messages all week.
I've been preparing myself all week mentally to go back home to confront my father. I think I'm ready! The only thing that's been really tough on me was and still is the drugs, yes me and Jesus have been smoking weed but that's it, when I called my dealer for some weed I bought 1 gram of cocaine and it's still hiding my bag, I never got the chance to take it because I'm literally 24/7 with Jesus.
Apart from that my week was good, I went to school, then back here at Jesus's house, watched some tv, smoked some weed, etc... but on Wednesday night me and Jesus went out at this diner across town and had a double date with one of his friend from school Miguel who has short brown hair with brown eyes, chubby, he was an amazing guy and his girlfriend Luisa who had blond hair with green hazel eye, chubby, she was such a sweetheart. They were very nice, Luisa gave me her number and we made plans to hang out tomorrow.
I get up and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I look at myself and I'm wearing Jesus clothes again, it's time I go home and get back to wearing my own clothes instead of wearing Jesus's clothes, school clothes and to be honest I miss my bed. Once done with my teeth, I take a face cloth and wash my face. I put the cloth in the dirty towel hamper and go back to his room.
He's still sleeping. If I'm going home today, I need something in my system. I need my "courage powder" and now's the perfect time Jesus is sleeping. I go in my school bag, in the small pocket on the side, take the baggie of cocaine, take my little straw and snort it directly from the baggie. Snorting a bit too much but it's ok, it's going to give me a bigger buzz. I get startled by Jesus's voice.
"Good morning angel! What are you doing?" He says, looking in my direction.
"Good morning! Oh, nothing. I was just checking my agenda to make sure I didn't forget any homework" I lie, shoving the baggie and straw back in the small pocket and rub my nose before turning around to look at him.
"How did you sleep?" He asks, getting up to sit down in bed.
"Good and you?" I ask, smiling making my way to his bed and sitting down.
"Good! Your smiley this morning" he says, grabbing my hand.
"Yes I feel good" I answer with the same smile.
"I'm glad you're happy being here. Seeing you happy makes me happy" he smiles.
"Jesus I want to talk to you about something" I say, rubbing his thumb with mine as we're holding hands.
"What's up" he stiffens up.
"I'm going to go back home today. I'm ready to talk to my dad" I tell him and he instantly removes his hands from mine.
"Ok" is the only thing he says.
"What's wrong?" I ask, confused by his reaction. What did I do?
"Nothing. I thought you were happy here with me" he looks down at his hands.
"I am! But I have a family and want to be home with them too, I miss my brother and my grandmother...... I haven't seen them in a week" I answer honestly.
I mentioned nothing about Ethan because I don't want to put any ideas in his head, and honestly I need time for myself too, we go to school together, we shower together, we eat together, we're in the same classes...... We are always together, don't get me wrong I love being with him, it's just I need time to breathe alone too.
"I understand" he says, getting off the bed and leaves the room.
This past week I've been seeing a whole different side from Jesus, he is still the sweet amazing soft gentleman I met but you see it he's very co-dependant and insecure, which I don't understand because he is one very sexy man. He also gets triggered easily. The littlest things get him mad, but it's nothing too serious. Everyone has their defaults... Look at me, I'm far from perfect.
I get up and I go look for him. I walk around the house, look into rooms and he's nowhere to be found. I take my phone and call him, no answer. I text him, no reply. Where did he go? I go back to his room and wait.
After 2 hours of waiting, I get up, grab my bag and leave. I lock the front door with the spare key under one of the rocks. His car isn't here. He really left.... what an asshole.... Why did he leave me here? I walk to my house, when I get in the driveway, I notice Jesus's car is here. Why is he here? I go in and walk up to my room, put my bag down. There's a knock on my door and my door opens. It's my grandmother.
"I'm glad you're back, sugar pie" she says, hugging me.
"Me too! I'm sorry I left.. I wasn't ready to see father" I say, hugging her back.
"It ok, I understand! If I were In your shoes, I would probably feel the same way" she says.
"Thank you for understanding! I missed you" I say while taking out my school clothes from my bag.
"Here, give me those. I'll wash them and iron them! I missed you too sugar pie" she says, taking my school clothes.
"Thank you" I thank her and sit at the edge of my bed.
"So do you think you're ready to speak with your father, because if you're not, I'll make sure he doesn't bother you! Also, I made some changes.... I moved your father into the basement with Andy and it's only me, you and Ethan on this floor! Is that better for you!" She says, sitting down next to me.
"Yes! That's fine! Thank you again!" I answer. I guess hearing that my dad is now living in the basement is actually some good news.
"Good! How was school? How do you like it?" She asks.
"Really good. I really like it, everyone's nice" I say truthfully.
"I'm happy to hear! Alright, I'm going to let you rest" she says as she gets up.
"Thank you again" I say as she's heading to the door.
"No problem!" She says, closing the door behind her.
Before I came to live here, the lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, getting hit and yelling was normal to me. It has been my whole life, but since I've been living here, I saw that it's not.
A home is supposed to be loving, caring and a safe place. I love my dad to death and I'll never admit this to anyone but I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone, I would kill for him, but I'm learning to love myself day by day and what I deserve, now that I see the reality of it my parent weren't parents to me, they were abusive, they neglected me, they put my life in danger many times with strangers in our home, and now when I think of it, it only brings me pain because why wasn't I enough for them to stop and love me?
My mother was dying of cancer and she would rather drink and shoot herself with drugs to her death than to try to fight it to have a future with me. These thoughts is what convinced me to come see my father today because at least he's trying. He took a step bigger than my mother ever did... he went to rehab.
I get up, go in my closet and change my clothes, I put a yellow crop top with a black high waisted pair of jeans. I take a deep breath and make my way downstairs to go see my father. I get on the main floor, my heart is pounding and my knees feel weak, I don't know if I'm nervous or scared. I go in the kitchen to drink a glass of water before going into the basement.
I walk in the dinning room and I see Andy, Audrey, Ethan, Ashley and Jesus sitting at the dining table talking, but they didn't notice me. Why would Jesus leave me to come here to hangout.... Now I'm pissed! Jesus wants to play games. I can play them better! I take my glass of water from the kitchen, drink it and go back into the dining room.
"Hi guys! Audrey, you look pretty today!" I say and she returns the compliment.
"Ashley you look nice, I guess!" I say, throwing shade and she gives me a dirty look and whispers something in Ethan's ear.
"Andy! I missed you. Sorry for not coming home for a week. I was spending some quality time with Jesus" I say and everyone looks at me and Jesus, my brother tells me he missed me too and that he gets it.
"Ethan! I missed you too! Sorry I didn't answer. I was busy" I say, and he nods, giving me a small smile but I know it's fake.
"You guys are so cute all coupled up! Andy and Audrey! Ethan and Ashley! Jesus and...... Oh wait, where's your girlfriend?" I ask staring at him with a serious face.
"Not here-"He warns me.
"Hahaha me and Ashley aren't together!" Ethan cuts Jesus off.
"Might as well make it official. You guys are cute together and she obviously likes you and you keep keeping her around so.... Might as well be together together!" Ethan looks at me with a confused face, not understanding what I'm doing.
"Can I speak to you in private?" Jesus asks me with anger in his tone.
"No sorry gotta go see my father!" I dismiss him. Ethan's face of confusion turned into concern.
"Don't worry! It's all good" I mention before he could speak, leaving the dining room.
I walk with confidence to the basement door. I am on fire inside. I can handle just about anything right now. I open the basement door and make my way down.
"Daddy?" I shout at him to hear me and that's when I see him sitting on the couch smoking his cigarette, looking at me as if he has seen a ghost.