After a week Marli is a mess and Lou takes the initiative to take her and the dogs home to Utah. Marli needs to go home - home is Utah...well home is Austin but Utah is the closest thing she will get to him right now. Marli does not put up a fight when Lou practically shoves her into Austin's plane. She wants to go to Utah, maybe she can find some answers if only she knew what the questions were. She feels lost and it scares are a little as to how attached to Austin she has become, it can't be healthy. Once the plane is in the air and Otis has managed to somehow fit his big body into the chair next to Marli she turns to Lou. "Do you think I am stupid? To stay?" she asks. Lou sighs. "I think you are in love M," she answers. Marli frowns, confused at Lou's words. "That does not answer my question, Lou," she shoots back. Lou sighs again and puts the magazine she was trying to read down. "Marli, have you ever heard of the saying - love is blind?" she asks. Marli nods, everyone has heard that saying it's well-known and old. "Well, most people have a pretty superficial way of looking at it. Like oh, she loves him so much that even if he is ugly she sees him as handsome because love is blind or he leaves the cap off the toothpaste and she doesn't want to kill him because love is blind. Those people are not wrong, but it goes deeper than that. A person in love will often create a situation that they choose to see. They see only the good stuff and ignore the bad things. You choose to see yourself staying as an act of love for Austin. You choose to see that Austin stays dry for a few days while he is with you is because you are enough to keep him from drinking. You ignore all the red flags and only look at the good things...your love is blind, not fake, just blind. For me, I see it differently because I am not you."
"What do you see?"
"It does not matter what I see. It's not my relationship or my life. But M, you have to start paying attention or you will wake up one day and there will be no more Austin."
Marli can feel bile rising from her gut at that thought. A world without Austin? She cannot fathom it. "I don't do what I do because I don't care, Lou," she feels the need to say. Lou smiles at her. "I know that. You are in love with him anyone can see that. Like I said, M, love is blind," she says softly. Marli can't hide her tears and Lou pulls her in for a hug shushing her till she falls asleep.
~
June is summer in Utah and the days are hot, very hot, so Marli and Lou along with the three dogs spend most days by the pool. There is also a creek about 20 miles down the road that the girls take the dogs to for a bit of fun and a splash around almost every day. Lou also convinces Marli that a good hike is food for the soul so they have been on two five-hour hikes up the mountain behind the house. Charlie showed up in the first week they were back in Utah saying he wanted to make sure his girls were eating right. By the second-week Colts limp had all but cleared up and he was running around like a puppy. Marli chooses to sleep in Austin's bed. She has her own room, but she nor the dogs seemed to be able to settle in there on the first night so they wandered around the house until, sleep-depraved, they all wandered into Austin's room. Marli found a photo of Austin from Christmas on her phone, it's one of her favorites so she had it printed and framed and now keeps it on her nightstand - he looks so happy. It's been so long since she had seen him smile like that. She keeps her normal routine of always getting up at 5:15 am each morning with her dogs, it's healthy. But she wakes up at 5:10 am each morning to a phone call from Austin and that's not healthy. It's been almost three weeks since she has seen Austin and with each phone call he seems a little worse and Marli breaks a little more. He is never sober, never coherent and his words melt into each other. But he calls and Marli clings to that. He is searching for her in his darkest moments.
~
It's a Sunday afternoon, a week before the tour is due to start again, Marli and Lou have just arrived back from having taken the dogs to the creek. Charlie is bringing out a bunch of cold fruit and icy cocktails, Lou is lounging near the pool while reading a book in one of the pool chairs and Marli has the dogs lined up as she sprays the mud off them before they all jump in the pool with her.
The dogs hear him first...
Their ears perk up and then they bolt off towards Austin as he comes into sight, even Willadeene manages to pick up speed. Marli's heart jumps into her throat, he looks bad, sickly even. He has lost a lot of weight and his suffering unkept face makes Marli want to cry.
Before she can stop herself her legs are moving, and she runs at full speed toward Austin. He stops walking and opens his arms then wraps them around her when she slams into his chest. Her tears are soaking his chest by the time he peels her off him. He is dirty and his hair is greasy, he has not been looking after himself. "You hungry?" she asked and he shakes his head. "Thirsty?" she asks and again he shakes his head. "Do you want to sleep?" she asks searching his face for some unspoken indication of what he needs. He is looking at her intensely but shakes his head. "Then what do you want?" she asks, desperate to give him something. He looks broken.
"You..."
His voice. It sounds like he has drank acid, it's choked and strained. Marli asks Charlie to make some herbal tea and then she leads Austin to the bedroom and sits him down on the bed - he goes easily. She goes into the bathroom and starts running the bath. Charlie brings the herbal tea and she gets Austin to take a few sips.
After she persuades him to finish at least half of his tea she leads him to the bathroom and gets him undressed. A handful of pills drop out of his pocket and Marli bends to pick them up, Xanax, Valium, and Klonopin a selection of benzo-type drugs. Shit. She puts them in her pocket and continues to help Austin into the bath. She does not bother putting his clothing in the wash basket - they are caked in mud and torn. She chucks them in the trash can and then starts to wash him. She is relieved to see most of what she thought were bruises are just dirt. Where the hell had he been and how the fuck was he still alive?
"Can you get in here with me? Please," he asks, his voice sounds better but it's bearly a whisper.
Marli stills her movements, nods, dims the bathroom lights, gets undressed, and then climbs into the bath. Austin's hands are on her hips as soon as she is within reach and he guides her between his legs with her back to him. He runs his hands up and down her arms slowly then kisses the back of her neck softly.
"I am sorry, lil mama, I have hurt you."
"It's OK."
"It's not."
Austin pulls Marli against his chest and rests his chin on her shoulder as he snakes his arms around her.
"You told me I was not a monster, that I am good. But you are wrong."
"Tell me why."
Austin stays silent and Marli thinks this is just a repeat of every time she tries to have this conversation with him. He will shut down, they will sleep and so the cycle continues. Austin starts kissing along her shoulders, then along the back of her neck, and under her ear. "Austin," she whispers, he stills his movements and rests his chin on her shoulder, and tightens his arms around her like he is scared she will float away. When he starts talking his voice is small, tired, and vulnerable.
"I was seventeen. Tired of watching my mother shoot up on Crack. Tired of watching my father drink himself to oblivion. Tired of having to look after my baby sister. But mostly I was tired of seeing my dad beat the living shit out of my mother. My only escape was Jonas, he grew up in the children's home down the road from my house. He would leave his window open for me to climb in at night or like I told you we would go camping. Jonas was the best part of my childhood. I fucked up real bad with him, I miss him."
Marli slides her fingers between his.
"One night I get home and my sister is screaming on the couch, my father is on top of my mother and he is just punching her. One punch after the next, again and again, and again. I don't know...something inside of me just snapped and I beat my dad. I put him in a coma for three months. I had not meant to do that - I had just wanted him to stop. He was the town drunk that pissed a lot of people off. So my mother told the police some random person attacked him. She then played the doting wife. Stayed by his side the whole time at the hospital."
Marli turns around to face Austin, pushing him to lie down while she lays on his belly, chin resting on her hands while she looks up at him. His brow is creased in worry as he looks at her.
"Do you hate me?" he asks.
"No," Marli answers truthfully.
He brushes some damp hair that is plastered on her brow, resting his hand on the side of her head. The worry does not leave his face but his eyes soften as he looks at her. But then they glaze over when he starts talking again.
"When he woke up he packed his shit up and left saying that he didn't want to be around me. My mother told him she would kick me out of the house if he stayed. She chose him over me. He still left and my mother blamed me. She said it had been a perfectly healthy marriage before I got involved. A year later she had this nasty drug habit and didn't want me to live at home. It didn't really matter I was eighteen and so I left. Jonas and I met some guys from the music industry and so the birth of my music career began. My mother would phone me high and crying saying she missed my dad. I felt so guilty, I had caused this so one day I told her that I would go talk to him. I knocked on his door but he refused to let me in and so I gave up without speaking to him, but he killed himself later that night. The police say it looks like he had been planning it for weeks beforehand, but my mother says it was me who drove him to kill himself that night. She is right, if I had said the right thing, or tried harder to talk to him I could have changed his mind. But I didn't...so I killed him. Then I blew up in the music world and my mother arrived at my doorstep saying that her pitiful life is a result of my actions and that I owe her for all the damage I caused. She wrangles money out of me. I tried ignoring her once and she threatened to tell the world what I did. Write a tell-all book or lay my life out on a talk show. I am a coward so I pay her. Tara, my sister...I am her monster and now there's you..."
Marli moves up Austin's body and kisses him then rests her head on his shoulder, covering him with her body.
"What about me?"
"You are good and sweet and kind…and I hurt you. I am sorry. Truly sorry. I didn't mean to let you down."
Marli sits up again, she moves her body so she is straddling his hips and takes his cheeks into her hands.
"You did not let me down, Austin. You are not a monster. You are not a coward. You are good and deserving. You are beautiful, Austin and I believe in you. You were not in control of the decisions your father made and you are not in control of the decisions your mother makes. You are not the monster in your sister's nightmares…..your father is."
"But -"
"No, you are not a monster."
"Lil mama,"
"You. Are. Not. A monster."
Austin gives her a pointed look but stops trying to argue back.
"Is this why you drink?"
"Yes...my head rattles and drink helps until it doesn't."
"You scared me this week Austin. Will you go to rehab?"
"I would, but I don't need to. I have you."
"Austin."
"I will be ok."
"Can you promise me? Can you promise you will be ok now?"
"I swear to you"
Later that night Marli sits on the edge of the bed watching Austin sleep. He is beautiful and Marli's heart breaks at the thought of his story. She can't let this go on. If she does not do something now Austin will drink himself into an early grave. He is using her as an excuse not to go to rehab. He hides behind her. She kisses his cheek and stands then slips back into the bathroom. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub she dials a number.
"Hello? Marli?"
"Jonas, I need your help."
~
Austin
You are going to be better now that I am not around. You need this, I need this.
I love you...
M.
~
Marli stood at the bottom of the driveway pulling the heavy coat around her shoulders tighter and breathing in the oakwood and leather scent from it. It's Austin's coat. It's fucking freezing. It's the middle of summer and usually hot by now, but this morning feels freezing and the wind is chilly as the sunrise starts to manipulate the black sky, a hue of soft peach light pushing up from the horizon. She suspects though that the chill pumping through her body may be more about what she is getting ready to do rather than anything else. When she looks back at the house on the hill she can see its silhouette start to form as the sky lightens.
She helped build that house. Once upon a time, the sight of it brought her comfort, a sense of safety, of home...of him. It's all shit though. Smoke and mirrors. No one's fault but her own really. Looking at it now only fills her with dread, makes her chest hurt and her stomach muscles constrict. She hates the house, she hates him. It's so quiet and she is grateful for it. Out here in 'the sticks' that's what she loves, the quietness. The quiet seemed so loud at first, but now it was something she cherished and at five in the morning quiet was all there was. Won't be for long though. At 5:15 she knows there will be whining coming from the house, whining that will wake him up. She looks at her watch 5:10 Where the fuck is Jonas? She needs to put as much distance between her and Austin as possible. He will come after her and she can't have that, it will break her. She has lost so much of herself in him, she is not even sure what parts of herself remain. She also knows she is the only thing stopping him from going to rehab now.
Her stomach knots when she hears the whining. Fuck. The whining turns to howling and she can hear the faint slamming of doors along with her name being called by him from within the house. Where the fuck is Jonas? Then like magic Jonas appears and the low hum of the engine soothes the knot in her stomach slightly. She turns from the house gathering her bags. She reaches out and pops the trunk open before the car comes to a full stop. She throws her stupidly expensive bags that she didn't even want into the trunk slamming it shut. It's when she reaches out for the passenger door that she hears his boots thundering down the driveway as he screams her name with so much desperation in his voice that her movements falter. No. She can not stay. She moves faster, opens the door, and leaps in. "Drive please, Jonas! Go!" she says. Only once Jonas takes off does she allow herself to turn around and look out the back window.
She immediately wishes she had not. She sees him, he is standing at the bottom of the driveway in sleep shorts, cowboy boots, and a gaping robe that displays his heavily tattooed chest. He must be freezing. He is clutching his curly hair in his hands, her letter squished between his fingers then he drops to his knees. As if he can feel her looking at him, he snaps his head up and she catches his face through the back window. Shit. It's his face that has her hypnotized now. She wishes she could rip her eyes away, but she can't, she is at his mercy. If she stays he will kill himself, there is no doubt in her mind. She needs to be strong, but the way he is looking at her...begging, pleading, desperate. Who is she fucking kidding? He owns her. So without breaking eye contact she taps Jonas on the shoulder.
"Um s-sorry, Jonas, please stop. I can't leave him like this."
"We can't stop, M, you know this as much as I do. He won't be alone, not really. Please don't make me stop."
"Ok."
Marli squeezed her eyes shut, tears dripping out, and buries her face in her arms. She does not know how she is going to survive this but she needs to put as much distance between them as possible. She knows he knows where she is going, home to New York she just hopes with all her heart he respects her wishes. If he comes after her, she knows she will not have the strength to leave him a second time, and then they are both doomed.