The Harley comes to a stop in the school parking lot. I park and slip from the seat onto the asphalt. The light of the early autumn sun burns my eyes and sends a jolt of pain down the middle of my head, but I brave it and head for the building.
Doing my best to ignore the prying eyes of my classmates, I make my way to my locker to retrieve my books for first period. I close the locker door and lean my head against the cool steel.
Theo comes up beside me and leans against the locker. "So, you disappeared again."
I rotate my head to look at him, then turn away.
He sniffs. "Dude, are you buzzed?"
"No. Just tired. I didn't sleep last night."
He frowns. "I came over here to tell you that I got us another gig. But if you're not up for it, I can cancel."
"No, no. I'm fine."
"Mm-hmm."
I need to work on being more convincing.
"Where's the gig?" I pull a water bottle from my backpack and drink half of it in one go.
"Oscar's place. His parents are away so he's throwing another huge rager."
"Who's Oscar?"
"Some nerd on the debate team, but his parents are loaded. Hey, did you hear?"
"Hear what?"
"Someone decked Darren. Got him real good. He's been telling everyone he saw some lady getting mugged and fought off her attacker. I'm not buyin' it, though."
"How come?"
"Darren's a pretty boy. He doesn't have the stones for it. Plus, he'd be too worried about damaging his money-maker." Theo laughs.
With a smirk, "When's the party?"
"Tomorrow night. Same time as the last one."
"Sounds good," I say.
Stacy: We need to talk. I've tried calling you, but you won't answer.
After Darren's stunt with the posters all over school, Stacy started calling and texting again. But it's my turn to avoid her. It used to be that all I felt for her was love. Now all I feel is anger.
I shove my phone back in my pocket just as my phone dings. Another message.
"Was that Stacy?" Theo asks as he drives the four of us to Darren's for the party.
I nod.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Are you gonna text her back?"
"No," I say.
Jace chimes in. "Dude, why not? Stacy's a catch. You'd better jump on that before someone else decides to give her a go."
I turn around and glare at him. His mouth snaps shut.
"Jace is right, you know," Will says, leaning over the console between the two front seats.
I sigh. "She's avoided me for weeks. What am I supposed to say?"
"Well, for starters, you could find out why she's been avoiding you," Will says, rolling his eyes. Jace just sits back in his seat, arms crossed and staring out the window.
"I know why," I say before I can stop myself.
Theo looks over at me, waiting for me to elaborate.
I don't.
"Care to explain?" he asks.
"Not really."
Sighing, "Okay, then."
At Oscar's place, his sister is the one who lets us in the house. She makes no effort to introduce herself and, flipping her hair over her shoulder, vanishes in the crowd of raving students. Equipment in tow, we move to the makeshift stage and begin setting everything up. The house pulsates with the sound of really bad EDM and a psychedelic light show. Head still throbbing, I try not to look directly at them.
On the other side of the room, Darren stands with his jock friends, laughs and points to his scarred face, bragging as if he's some hero. His eyes catch mine and he puckers his lips and winks, then returns to his conversation.
I shiver. I should've known he'd be here. Maybe this was a bad idea. A mixture of emotions twist inside my gut. Between running into Bill Everett and then Darren making a pass at me, I'm shaken. But I refuse to be weak again. So, instead, I choose to numb my senses and quiet my fears with an endless supply of alcohol.
Music thrums through the house. While the rest of the band mingles with our classmates, I choose to stick to the sidelines. Back against a wall, I sip on cheap beer. I reach into my pocket with my other hand and pull out the piece of paper I've carried with me for years – the unfinished song. The one that's supposed to save my life. With a sharp inhale, I crumple it into a wad and toss it to the floor. It's pointless to try to find the answer to Mom's question – there's no life left to save.
From across the room, Darren struts toward me. My fight-or-flight instincts kick into overdrive. I want to run from this place and never look back. But inebriated as I am, I'm frozen in place by some twisted refusal to retreat.
Jaw set, eyes narrow, I don't take my eyes off him as he comes close enough. Two beers in hand, he offers one to me.
"Hey," he says. I leer at the cup in his hand. "Look, Greyson, I'm sorry about the other day." He extends the beer to me and I hesitate, then accept it.
He smiles and I tip the cup back to down the whole thing in one gulp.
"No hard feelings?" Darren asks, a hand extended.
Against my better judgment, I take it. With that, he disappears just as Theo takes the stage. Will, Jace, and I make our way to the middle of the living room where the stage waits. We take our places while Theo greets the crowd and introduces us. Everything moves in a blur of light and sound as the alcohol begins to take effect in my system. But once we get going, it's like coming back home after a long vacation – it's familiar, it's right.
You've been playing hard to get
and I've been playing it cool.
But it's like I lose my head
when you walk in the room.
The music burns inside my chest as I sing. And my eyes burn too. Everything moves in slow motion around me and I blink against the blur of lights.
You're going round and round and round
inside my mind.
I think of Stacy. I think of all that I've lost. Mom, Lincoln, Dad, Ezra. My innocence. My courage. My faith. All things that I can never hope to recover.
You're going round and round and round
inside my mind.
It's all I can do to finish our set because the ache inside my chest is too much. It burns, drives me insane – like a sliver that you can't get out from under your skin. Or like a cough that just won't go away.
When we finish to the sound of applause and cheers, I push past Theo who throws up his arms in confusion and starts to speak, but I don't hear it as I beeline for the drinks. In one gulp, I down another cup of beer. But it's too late. The panic seizes me. The room vibrates and spirals around me like a technicolor hurricane. Every muscle in my body tenses, chest tightens. I break for the bathroom. The one downstairs is occupied, so I push through the crowd and make for the one upstairs. Shoving inside, I ignore the couple making out in the tub and turn on the faucet. I splash my face and, leaning on the side of the counter, attempt to steady my breathing.
In,
out.
Inhale,
exhale.
One,
two.
The door swings open behind me and I jump. In the mirror, I see Darren saunter in. A wide grin painted across his face, Darren points to the two in the tub and tells them to get out.
Eyes wide, every nerve in my body catches fire as I step backwards until I'm up against the wall. Darren closes the bathroom door behind him and locks it.
"Darren, what are you doing?" I choke.
He points to the wound on his jawline. "I'm here to finish what we started, Greyson."
"Look, let me go and we can just call it even, okay? I won't tell anyone what you did. We agreed. No hard feelings, right?"
He laughs. "Who you gonna tell, Greyson? No one would believe you. You're a nobody and I'm the school's ticket to the state championships. You think anyone's gonna believe your word over mine? All that nonsense earlier was just to get you to drink it."
I swallow, eyes searching the room for something – anything – to ward him off.
It? My eyes go wide. He roofied me. A lump swells in my throat.
"Let's finish this, Greyson. You and me. After all, this is what we both want. You can't deny that anymore."
"No," I seethe, but it comes out mumbled.
Darren rushes me and before I can blink he's on me. I struggle to get free, but it's no use. I kick at him, landing a blow to his abdomen. He staggers backward. Rage floods his expression.
"Stop fighting!" he growls, throwing me down. The back of my head slams against the tile and my vision starts to go dark. The room spins around me. Darren's on top of me then before I can get out another kick.
He punches me square in the face and after a couple more blows, I feel the burning heat of my own blood as it runs into my eyes and blinds me. Gasping, choking on my own blood, I cry out for someone to help. But I know that no one will hear me over the music and the voices.
Darren punches me again and again and again until my vision starts to darken. But before I can slip into unconsciousness, I feel him shift on top of me. With a sneer, he shimmies down my body and his hands work my belt. In terror, I writhe beneath him, but I can't get free.
Exposed, vulnerable, and defenseless, all I can do is scream through the sobs until my voice goes hoarse. I scream for Dad, for Ezra, for God. But nobody hears.
Just then – just as my lungs begin to cave in on themselves and I feel myself start to give up – I hear a distant pounding. Darren leaps off of me just as the bathroom door breaks open. In the doorway, Theo towers. When he sees me there on the bathroom floor, pinned beneath one of his teammates, exposed and bleeding, his eyes widen first in horror and then in rage.
He turns to Darren, but before Darren can say anything, he grabs him by the throat and throws him to the floor. Theo's on top of him, wailing on him. Darren manages to break free and springs to his feet, bounding toward Theo. Theo swings, clocking him in the jaw and following the blow with a knee to the stomach. Darren buckles over and falls to the floor in a tangled, bloody mess.
I seize my momentary freedom and scramble away from both of them, but I can't get my feet under me. So, I just push myself into the corner between the toilet and the wall and try to make myself as small as possible. My heart races, threatening to burst from my chest. My ears ring, drowning out the noise of the party. I'm drenched in sweat and my skin is feverish and...
Panting, Theo looks down at me, then whirls around when Darren scrambles back to his feet.
"Get out!" Theo booms. "Now!"
Stumbling over his own feet, Darren darts out of the bathroom, but not before turning to offer one last look, hatred like a dark, dark fire in his eyes. When he disappears down the hall, Theo closes the broken door behind him as best he can and turns to me.
The fury vanishes from his expression and all that's left is the horror of grief. I cower here in the corner, everything inside of me breaking open, and sob through eyes clamped shut. My entire body shakes as the invisible earthquake rips through the fabric of my soul.
Theo disappears from the bathroom and returns a moment letter with a bed sheet. When he reaches for me, I flinch and he freezes. Slow and careful, he wraps it around me. And then he sits down on the floor beside me as I sob and I don't care to stop. My eyes are clenched shut and I can't seem to pry them open as I gasp for breath, but I feel him put his arm around my shoulder and pull me so that I lean against him instead of the toilet.
When I've spent enough tears and can finally breathe again, I manage to whisper, "I am not okay." And we stay here like this for a very long time.