Cameron stared at her with burning questions in his eyes. "Wh-Ho… I… Wh-Wh…" He stuttered for the right combination of words.
She decided to pull him out of his misery and explained very honestly. "Yes, I don't believe in relationships. They're just useless for me. I'd rather be someone's friend than be their girlfriend. It's just complicated and messy and you're always trying to impress someone which I can't do. I can't show trust towards people… That's practically impossible for me. And with a relationship comes obligations that I can't fulfill. It's… just too much work." She had never been this honest with anyone. Maybe it was the hangover taking the driver's seat or maybe it was the intensity that had grown between them. The tension lurking in the air caused her to turn away and stare outside. She couldn't face his saddened expressions.
He exhaled anger that had taken control of him. "I-I don't know." He finally said his voice lacking any emotion. When she turned at his voice she saw him lean his head against the seat.
"I'm sorry." She said trying to conceal the water building in her eyes. She couldn't believe she had lost control of her emotions but with a silent inhalation she regained her strength before he could see the torn look on her face.
"Ugh… Come on." He said with a hint of sad smile. "You don't have to say sorry. Just…Why can't we just be together?" He swirled his eyes to blankly glance at Ally.
"Clearly we want different things… We're total opposites." She started justifying it and he closed his eyes but not before she saw the dejection in them. She was broken to see she couldn't help him in anyway. She felt an urge to comfort him, to make him smile, but she resisted it knowing it would worsen things between them.
"You're right." He unexpectedly said after a long pause. She didn't know he would agree so quickly. "We want different things. It's probably for the best." He shrugged off focusing back on the road ahead of him.
"Yeah. It's for the best." Her vague statement didn't receive any response from him. He started the car and drove silently to Haley's house. She glanced at him a few times but his face showed no feelings as he concentrated his attention on the road. They didn't talk the whole ride there which was very uncomfortable for her. Normally, silence was golden for her but now it pricked at her skin from all corners. She wondered what he was feeling or thinking. She wanted to interact with him, see him rant about nonsense stuff, see him describe his stupid injury from two years ago again, listen to the time he had a crush on his tour guide or just about anything that would break the black hole around them. It had sucked the comfort and coziness that was earlier present and replaced it with cold, dark matter she couldn't relate to. There was just an empty space between them longing to be filled by both but none willing to take the first difficult step.
They reached their friend's house and he got out maintaining his vow of silence. She followed after him and they rang the doorbell. She noticed the trashed lawn and expected to see the same view inside. Someone covered in crumbs of chips and lipstick, still in their boxers opened the door. The boy lazily scanned them and came upon a realization, "Oh it's you guys!"
"I'm sorry. Do we know you?" Cameron said for the very first time after their confrontation.
"Hey man, it's me Ryan!" He said trying to adjust his messy hair over his forehead. It was quite difficult to recognize him with his hair in his eyes but when he removed it, they understood it was indeed him.
"My god. What happened to you?" Cameron asked humorously as they entered inside the house.
"There's 'asshole' written on your cheek in red lipstick, my friend." Ally mocked him pointing to the various other names his face was covered in.
"What?! Really?" He searched around for a mirror as they laughed at his red humiliated face. She took a picture to further tease him and he washed his face immediately after that. They looked at the place which resembled a landfill. Haley's parents would be infuriated by the trash covering their once beautifully decorated house. Fortunately they weren't still there but Haley, Luke and Becky were still missing and there were five other people passed out on the floor.
"Where are your pants, Ry? You slept with someone last night?" Cameron asked looking at a perplexed Ryan.
"I don't know." He replied rubbing his temples. "They must be here somewhere."
"Leave the pants. We have to find Haley and clean this mess up before her parents arrive." Ally said and they set out to search for their friends. They looked inside three empty bedrooms before opening the last one. Cameron pushed the door open and went inside quickly but even more quickly he returned and slammed the door shut.
"They're inside.… And let's just say it's not a good sight to look at." He said with a disgusted face and wobbly hand gestures.
"What happened?"
"They're… naked." He said slowly rubbing a finger on his head.
"Knock a little hard." She suggested.
Cameron was about to do that but suddenly a very annoyed Ryan sighed, pushed them aside to slam on the door yelling, "Hey! You dumb piece of shit! Wake up your mess is all over the place." He yelled a few more profanities before the couple came to the door dressed but embarrassed.
"Hey, you guys." Luke said rubbing the back of his head.
"Look, we have to clean this place up before your parents arrive." Ally looked directly at Haley standing behind. "You're right." Haley muttered and together they all rushed downstairs.
First they woke up all the known and unknown people in the house and showed them the exit. Then Haley took out the garbage bags and they collected the scattered booze bottles, plastic cups, empty wrappers and even torn pieces of clothing. While Ally was in the kitchen arranging the fridge, Haley whispered to her, "Psst."
"What?"
"Guess what happened last night?" She chimed happily swaying the black trash bag in her hands.
"You slept with Luke. Everyone knows." Ally replied nonchalantly.
"Yes! It was so great. The most amazing birthday ever. He was so gentle and patient with me considering it was my first time. And oh my god! He is so sexy naked. I mean-"
Ally cut her off as she didn't want to listen to any dirty details, "I think that's enough. You don't need to explain it so much. I'm happy for you, Hales."
Haley hugged her putting her bag down, "Aww thank you. I can't believe how lucky I am."
"You are." She murmured to her thinking about her own love less life. She was happy for her friends but she was also jealous of their happy relationship. It had been so easy for them. Their feelings for each other were perfectly timed and mutual since the beginning and most importantly there was no third person in between them. Although she wasn't positive whether she could handle a relationship right now but her friends' happiness made her think positively about the idea.
"Where's Becky?" Ryan entered the kitchen where they were cleaning.
"I think she went home late last night." Haley informed.
"Okay… We're done with the living room. That was the most messed up." He further said and they followed him to the room where Cameron and Luke were laughing on the couch together. She looked around the room, it was cleaner now. Carpet and furniture were rightly placed, the expensive vase was back on the coffee table and even the floor showed no evidence of spilled drinks or spoiled food.
"Great job, guys." Ally started by remarking her friends' effort. "So what do we do now?"
"I guess, I should go home." Cameron said standing up. She hid her surprise at his actions but Haley wasn't going to keep mum.
"Oh wait… Before you go I just want to thank you guys for the amazing night I had yesterday. It was so fun, you guys made it so special. And Luke thank you for the bestest gift ever. I love you guys!"
"It was really fun... But I don't think I remember shit." Ryan added scrubbing his head making everyone laugh.
"Yeah, it was great." Ally said when Haley's eyes were on her looking for a response. She looked at the smiling faces but one of them had distinct fake smile. It was his. She wondered whether last night was a terrible night he would wish to forget forever.
He caught her staring and instantly she looked away. Great. What a way to embarrass yourself, Ally. She scolded herself. To avoid the awkward situation she insinuated into a conversation with Ryan.
"You were going to hear back from Berkeley, right?" He asked.
"Yeah. They'll mail it in the first week of April. What about you?"
"Ugh… I don't know. Maybe I'll just go to college here." Ryan wasn't particularly good in studies, he wanted explore his interests by experimenting on different majors.
"Hmm. Whatever you want to do, buddy." She encouraged him by patting his shoulder.
Meanwhile Cameron was about to leave after talking for a while with Luke and Haley. "Okay, guys. So I'll see you later. And once again Happy 18th birthday Haley!" He happily hugged Haley and left not even sparing her a second look and Ryan seemed to notice that.
"Something up with you guys?" She heard him ask. She looked around to check no one was hearing them; the couple was busy in their own discussion.
"Nope." She said flatly.
"Come on. I can see, something happened between you and Cam." She stared at him, astonished. Apart from Cameron, he was the only one in the group she could count on at anytime. Not even her old girl friends were that reliable and understanding.
"Ugh… I can't tell you that. But let's just say things… between us… are just way too complicated to talk about."
He nodded in understanding. "O-Okay. But you guys get along so well. What could possibly come between you two?" My commitment issues and a certain brunette who he is currently dating. She thought but didn't speak.
"I don't know." She shrugged.
"Well… I hope you sort out your differences." With a conviction she didn't feel in the truth of his words she left for her house. She stank of alcohol, sweat and a broken heart when she collapsed into the bed the minute she reached home.
That night she cried like she had never cried for any person ever in her life. All she could think, see and feel was his beautiful face engraved in her mind. She had never felt so broken in her entire life, like someone had taken away a piece of her soul. Her mind went on an infinite loop playing the last moments with him in the car. She was tied down by her own fear disabling her from something she was craving for. She wanted to be with him, but she wasn't sure how to overcome her issues and take that one leap of faith which could make or break her.
The spring break flew away as she immersed herself in sad songs, reading his old text messages or seeing his facebook. She was tattered by the intensity in her emotions as she didn't know she could be affected by someone so gravely. The most shocking fact she discovered about herself was that, a boy was capable of tearing her apart by his mere actions and words. And she didn't like to assign him with so much power and control on her life which was inherently impossible for her to do now. It was apocalypse since she always used to mock the romantic movies exaggerating emotions but now she felt like she was living in the same lame world. Indeed, she wasn't immune to these stupid feelings like she had thought.
Many times during the night she would have the urge to text him and inquire whether he was going through the same hell but she would just end up with tears silently falling on her pillow. During the day she was incapable of being active, she would just lay on the couch and watch as the sun came down and the moonlight shone through the curtains. Her mother pointed to her lack of appetite and asked whether she was fine. She lifted the laborious corners of her mouth and said it was nothing.
One of the days during the break she was at the verge of falling apart when she came to know that Berkeley was sending out replies to the applicants. She sat down with her laptop that afternoon, hoping a good news would possibly lift her spirits and she would come out of this bottomless well. But when she read their letter she was blank for a whole minute. She couldn't believe the words written on the screen.
"… We are sorry to inform you that we cannot offer you a position in the university right now…"
Rejected again. After four years of straight A's and an above average SAT score, this is what she gets. She couldn't have sunken any lower than this. The walls were closing in on her and she was stuck day and night struggling to come out of this prison she had made for herself. The rejection letter took a great toll on her already low self esteem. She would spend hours just thinking about every wrong thing that happened.
Her parents were surprisingly very supportive of her. They repeatedly told it wasn't her fault and that the acceptance rate was indeed very low. But when life had knocked her down, every tiny blow seemed like a catastrophic storm. Until, finally a day came when she was staring at the bitter reality. She had come to acceptance with the rejection but it further reduced her hopes of getting into any good universities.
*
The first day back in school she was prepared to face him again. She had convinced herself that she would pay attention to the class instead of him. It was hard, small vestiges of his memories would pop into her mind from nowhere and she would repeat a mantra in her mind. Focus, Ally. You can do this. This helped her get through the first half of the day without much trouble. For the first time in her life she felt good to be back in school since it deviated her from grappling in her own thoughts.
During the recess she kept her promise to herself and avoided looking or talking much with Cameron. As usual they were sitting on the same table but she chose to sit away from him. She kept her promise by making small talks with her other friends and choosing to only say the obligatory to him.
The rest of the day in school passed quickly once she had focussed back on other things in her life and stopped thinking about him. But it wasn't easy to do the same at home when she was alone and the emptiness in the house reminded her of the emptiness inside her heart. She controlled her emotions well and chanted her mantra loudly to herself. Taking a long breath she decided to divert her mind by watching some travel shows she loved. Afterwards she planned to study something for the upcoming tests.
About nine at night she was almost finished with her study session when her phone buzzed. She had no hopes left so she was shocked to see a text message.
From: Fucking Miller
Hi...
She stared down at her phone as if it would perform some magic and the words embedded will disappear. But they didn't and it took her exactly ten minutes to frame her reply. There was a mixture of emotions she was rummaging in her head and she couldn't stick with anyone.
Hi.
She had replied. She swore not to respond to any messages until she was done reading her textbook. She slid away her phone and covered her ears and quickly completed her task first so that she could reply guilt-free to him.
How are you?
She read his next message after ten minutes unable to understand what he was trying to do. They hadn't texted each other for more than week and suddenly he was interested in talking to her.
Fine. How are you?
She replied even though she knew she had been miserable.
Okay. You were going to hear from Berkeley right? -C
Yeah, I didn't get in. -A
Oh… I'm sorry. But I know you will get in a good uni. -C
She wanted to snort at his words. There were two good universities begging him to adorn their colleges. Then there was her who, even after possessing good grades couldn't get into her dream school. She was envious of him but didn't mention it.
Yeah. Let's see. -A
He didn't reply to that for a long time convincing her the conversation was over. She thought he just wanted to know about the tragedies of her life and celebrate that his life was still better than hers.
Suddenly her phone buzzed again when she was ready to call it a night. It was him again but this time his words blew away her sleep. She read it again and again unwilling to believe there was some sincerity in it.
I miss you, Parker...
She questioned it and she knew exactly what to reply.
Please, Miller… I don't understand where you're going with this.
I broke up with Emily. -C
I'm sorry to hear that. But what am I supposed to do with that? -A
Ugh… Forget it. It's nothing. -C
Wow. He was really choosing to take back his words instead of explaining them. This guy just had the magic formula for making her furious. So, she devised a way to sarcastically attack him.
Oh now I get it. You meant to say 'I miss you, Emily'. It's okay, Miller. We all mistakes. I forgive your typos. -A
I was serious… I really miss you. -C
Oops. You sent that to me again. I think you need to fix your phone. -A
Stop it, I'm not joking… Why don't you see I'm so miserable without talking to you? I feel like… I'm just dying from inside. -C
She didn't believe it at once. But she could hear his saddened voice in the virtual words he wrote.
Really? -A
I broke up with Emily because I can't be with her if I want to be with you. -C
But she's so much better than I am. I'm a fucking mess who doesn't know what to do. -A
That's bullshit. You know exactly what you want you're just too scared to admit it. -C
Maybe I am. I don't understand what you want from me. -A
I want you to trust me. -C
I trust you, dumbass. -A
Then give us a chance. Do you even know how difficult the past few days have been for me? And here you are, too stubborn to even try acting on your feelings. I know there's chemistry between us, you can't deny it. -C
It's not just you who's been pathetic the past week. I miss talking to you too. -A
Then do something about it... Don't let it go. -C
It sounded more on the lines of Don't let me go. She thought about the colossal task he was asking her to do. He was definitely going to be heartbroken if she refuses again and she might end up losing a great friend in her life. She didn't want that. As much as she didn't like being in a relationship she was imagining all the great things that could happen if only she pushed her doubts away. With a long exhale she decided to do it, take that trust fall, and once she was sure of it, a new power, a new zeal and simply joy flowed in her veins.
Okay.
She replied after her long debate with herself.
What okay? -C
She didn't think much after that. If she was going to do this she was going to give it everything she had even if it meant she might end up being hurt again. She pulled the plug of doubts and fears that had tormented her for years and allowed the heart to be free and fearless.
That means you won and I think we should give it a chance. -A
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A/n: Hey! Did you enjoy the ups and downs in this one? Vote and comment if you like. And thank you so much for reading.