Silence Twenty
My heart has been beating so fast. I held my chest while I looked up at the guest room's ceiling. Hindi pa rin ako makatulog.
I tuned to my left and shut my eyes tightly. After waiting for several minutes, I still feel so awake. I turned to the right but it was the same. Mukhang hindi madadaan sa tamang posisyon ang pagtulog ko.
I cannot sleep without telling him. That after all these years, he has been my only peace. He shielded me from the world that tried to scar me.
Alas onse na ng gabi. And my head is not being reasonable right now. I can't run to him in the middle of the night. I don't even know where he is staying. But can I?
Umayos ka, Ysabelle!
Damn it!
Padabog akong bumangon sa kama at tumayo. Kaya lang ay bigla akong natigilan at napatulala sa pader. Gagawin ko ba talaga ito? Ngayon talaga, Ysabelle?
Habang nag aaway ang isip at puso ko ay dinala ako ng aking paa papalabas ng kwarto. And when I got out, I've decided I will run for the front door and go where my feet directs me to. Kahit na hindi ko alam kung saan siya hahanapin.
My foot steps echoed Thelma and Bryce's house.
Then a knock on the door made me pause. In the middle of the night? Who could possibly be as crazy as me, deciding to barge into other people's house at this late hour?
I know I should be cautious of an unknown visitor. Lalo na at gabi. Ngunit nahanap ko na lang ang sarili ko na binubuksan ang locks ng pinto at pinihit ang door knob.
Nang tumingala ako ay namilog ang aking mata.
He also looked startled that it was me who opened the door. He opened his mouth to speak but I jumped him before he could even utter a word.
"Noah!" ipinalibot ko ang aking braso sa kanyang leeg . Akala ko'y mahihirapan ako dahil sa kanyang tangkad. But he lifted me off the floor.
Maybe it's because after all these years, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang pagbagsak ng sarili ko. I always tried to keep myself together. Pero ngayon... ngayon ko lang naramdaman na may permiso akong humina.
I cried with my face buried on his neck.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Noah," may kasamang mga hikbi kong saad. Mas hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa kanya.
"Shh..." humalik siya sa aking ulo. "What's the problem? Why are you crying, hmm? Tell me."
I shook my head and cried more.
You have to tell him, Ysabelle! You have to tell him! Hindi ako patutulugin nito hangga't hindi niya nalalaman at nararamdaman.
But I can't seem to speak. Kinain na ng paghagulgol ko ang mga salitang gusto kong palabasin sa aking bibig.
"I.." it was an unfinished sentence before I broke down crying once more. I clutched his white shirt tighter. Afraid that if I can't manage to speak then he'll leave right away.
I heard him grunt na parang nahihirapan siyang huminga.
"I won't go," he assured me. Sinubukan niyang tignan ang aking mukha ngunit mas lalo ko lang iyong ibinaon sa kanyang leeg. I need to feel him. Heck! I want to smell him! Just any indication that will tell me that this is true.
"I love you," I breathed.
"You're worrying me, baby. What's wrong?" may bahid ng pag aalala sa kanyang tono.
"I'm s-sorry... f-for the things I've... said," I sobbed. "Those are not true. You are a good man, Noah."
Napahinto siya, hindi inaasahan ang mga salitang iyon mula sa akin.
"I deserved that,"he softly said, just as guilty as he was the last time. "I...was insensitive, trying to have a relationship with you, when it is my family who have always haunted you."
Mula sa pag iyak sa kanyang leeg ay itinaas ko ang aking ulo upang humarap sa kanya at makita ang kanyang mukha. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling ang lakas niya dahil hanggang ngayon ay buhat niya pa rin ako na para bang hindi nangangalay sa bigat ko.
"H-hindi mo kasalanan yon. I know now, Noah. You saved me. Hindi man kaagad pero alam kong ginawa mo ang lahat."
His expression hardened. Like he doesn't believe me. Like he doesn't even want to defend himself of the things I accused him of.
Humalik siya sa aking noo. It stayed there longer. Then he sighed.
"I don't even deserve your love. Pinangarap ko ngunit hindi ko inaasahang mangyari. I probably won't ever deserve it."
Pumungay ang aking mga mata dahil sa kanyang sinabi.
I cupped his cheeks and he closed his eyes.
"But I want to love you, Noah. Ako ang nagdesisyon non. You will always be deserving of my love. You're my peace, Noah," I kissed the tip of his nose. Pinadaan niya iyon sa aking pisngi.
I bit my lip when he stared at it. My cheeks flushed when he just stared but did nothing. He licked his lips but did not allow himself to come any closer.
"S-should I do it first? L-like be...fore?" I asked innocently.
He chuckled.
"Stop corrupting my mind. I'm trying to control myself," saway niya sa akin.
"I don't want you to," nahihiya kong sambit. Noong una ay confident ako ngunit sa huli ay humina na rin ang pagkakasabi.
He smirked. Pinagbigyan din ang sarili dahil unti unti siyang lumapit sa akin.
Ang pag ngisi niya ang huli kong nakita. I closed my eyes when his lips touched mine. I trembled in his kisses. He's intense. Mas humigpit ang kanyang paghapit sa aking bewang.
"Oh sh*t!"
Mabilis kaming naglayo ni Noah nang marinig ang boses ni Bryce mula sa loob.
Nahuli ko ang pagtakip ni Bryce sa kanyang mata sabay talikod. Bumaba ng hagdan si Thelma at humalakhak sa reaksyon ng asawa.
"Magandang gabi, sir Noah. Si Ysabelle na pala ang nagbukas ng pinto," may double meaning sa kanyang tono.
Kumunot ang noo ko. How are they not surpirsed? Ako lang ang nagulat na nandito siya?
"Nagmessage sa akin si sir Noah. Pinuntahan ka raw sa inyo dahil nabalitaan ang panggugulo ng media. Eh nandito ka, pinadiretso ko na," paliwanag ni Thelma.
Ibinalik ko ang tingin ko kay Noah.
"Pumunta ka sa amin? Noah galit na galit sila mama sa'yo," paalala ko sa kanya. Saksi ako sa kung gaano hindi katanggap ni mama si Noah.
"I don't care. You'd always be my priority. And if you're in that house, I'd still go to you," he answered.
Ngumuso ako.
"So nandito ka sa Batangas nakastay?"
Hindi nakasagot si Noah habang si Thelma naman ay tumikhim na para bang may sikreto silang dalawa ni sir Noah.
"Anong meron?" ipinalipat ko ang aking mata sa kanilang dalawa.
Humalukipkip lang si Thelma at nag ngising aso.
"You look weird, love," komento ni Bryce.
Hinampas siya ni Thelma at inirapan.
"Ewan ko sa'yo!"
Nang haplusin ni Noah ang aking likod ay tumingala ako sa kanya.
"Hmm?"
"I'm going home. You should sleep," aniya.
"T-tumutuloy ka sa mga Vasquez?" I was too afraid to ask. Ayos lang naman kung naroroon siya. They are his family.
But he shook his head.
"I have my own house."
Naririto pa nga siya sa harapan ko at hindi umaalis but I'm already longing for him. I don't want him to go. Natatakot ako na sa oras na umalis siya, magising ako at malaman na hindi pala totoo ang pangyayaring ito.
He started to make a step.
"Sir dito na kayo magpalipas ng gabi!" pigil ni Thelma kasabay ng paghigpit ng hawak ko sa kanyang kamay.
Noah stopped. Tumingin siya sa kamay naming magkahawak. He looked at Thelma then to me. His thumb caressed my hand.
"Dito na kayo matulog, sir," ulit ni Thelma.
Nagsusumamo ang aking mga mata.
"Do you want me to stay?" nakapanghehele ang kanyang boses.
I nodded repeatedly.
"Please," my voice croaked.
Lumingon ako mula sa pag aayos ng kama nang marinig kong pumasok ng kwarto si Noah. He had a glass of water on his right hand while his left hand closed the door.
Inabot niya sa akin ang baso.
"You should hydrate. You just cried," he smiled at me.
Tumango ako at uminom mula sa baso. Nakapako ang aking mata sa kanya habang siya ay pinapanood din akong maubos ang tubig.
When I finished, I gave it back to him. Akala ko'y ipapatong niya na lang iyon sa night stand ngunit lumabas pa siya uli ng kwarto. And knowing him, he'll probably wash the glass.
I climbed on the bed and lie down on the left side. Pinaglaruan ko ang aking kamay habang hinihintay siyang makabalik.
"Still up?" he asked while closing the door again.
I nodded. "Hinihintay kita."
Nagtaas siya ng kilay but he smiled in the end.
He lie down on the right side of the bed. At doon lang nagsink in sa akin kung ano ang set up namin. Noah and I are on the same bed!
Pinamulahan ako ng pisngi dahil sa mga iniisip. At nagsanhi ito ng kaunting hiya at pagkailang.
Napansin ito ni Noah. Itinukod niya ang kanyang kaliwang braso sa kama habang nakaharap sa akin.
"Are you uncomfortable?"
Agad akong umiling.
"N-nahihiya lang ako," agad ko siyang tinalikuran. Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib sa sobrang nerbyos.
"Bakit ka tumatalikod?" I can hear him grinning.
Humawak siya sa aking balikat. He made me face him again. Ngunit mas nag init ang pisngi ko kaya tumago na lang ako sa kanyang dibdib.
"Don't worry, nothing will happen. Pakakasalan muna kita," he tucked my hair behind my ear.
Napasinghap ako dahil sa sinabi niya.
"K-kasal?"
He nodded.
"When I say I love you, that means I want to be your husband. Wala nang ibang patutunguhan ito. Unless you don't want to. 'Yon lang ang magpapatigil sa akin."
I blinked twice.
"E-edi...hindi kita...p-pipigilan." napapikit ako nang mariin.
He smirked. Kinuha niya ang kumot na nakapatong sa kanyang unan. Ibinuklat niya iyon at inilagay sa akin. I watched him while he did it.
Ngumuso ako nang hindi manlang siya nagkumot. Malaki naman ito kaya ayos lang sa aming dalawa.
I lifted the other side of the blanket and put the other half on him.
"Lalamigin ka rin," sambit ko.
Ihiniga ko ang aking ulo sa kamay ko habang nakaharap sa kanan kung nasaan siya. His arms were crossed habang nakaharap din sa akin.
He spread out his arm and put it behind my head. Ngayon ay sa kanyang braso na ako nakahiga. Binalot niya ako sa kanyang yakap.
"I love you," he whispered.
Hindi ko na iyon nasagot dahil hinila na ako ng antok. But I remembered tightening my arms around him and a small smile as a reaction.
Bitbit ko si baby Stuart. Pinapaarawan ko siya sa labas habang maaga pa, upang makakuha ng vitamins. Hindi siya mahirap alagaan dahil hindi siya mapili sa tao. Hindi tulad ng ibang bata na kapag hindi niya magulang ay umiiyak.
He kept touching my face. Nginingitian ko lamang siya pabalik at bigla siyang bubungisngis.
I don't know why but he kept laughing. Manang mana nga siya kay Thelma. Masyadong masiyahin.
Until eventually ay hindi ko na mapigilang mahawa sa kanyang pagtawa. I laughed non stop because he can't seem to be stopped.
We paused. Siguro katulad ko ay hinihingal na rin siya kakatawa. Akala ko nung tumahimik kami ay tapos na. Ngunit maya maya lang din ay nagsimula na naman siyang tumawa. He had so much energy at an hour as early as this.
Noah's car door closed. Kinukuha niya kase roon ang kanyang bag. Nasa kanyang bag ang mga damit niya.
Habang nakasakbit sa kanyang likod ang kanyang bag ay sumulyap siya sa amin ni baby Stuart. Then he started walking slow.
My brows creased at his reaction.
Then baby Stuart held my face again, wanting me to pay attention to him. Or maybe I'm just making that up.
My smile faded the longer that I stared at him. And I made a wish to the skies.
May his vibrance never falter in this life. Even in the hardest times, I hope he'll be an epitome of hope, both to himself and to the people around him. Napakarami kong maaaring pangarapin para sa kanya. Be successful, be fruitful, be blessed with opportunities. However, I realized that those things could be helped and are easily attained through hardwork. You can control your progress in life, but you can never control what you feel. You can achieve something in life if you want to, but you can't be certain that you'll entirely be happy in this life even if you want to.
I sighed and closed my eyes as I hoped desperately that my wishes were sent above.
There came a warm presence on my back. Sumandal ako kay Noah. I know he'll catch me. I let my head rest on his chest. He hugged me from the back.
He put his hand over my sight to keep the sun from hurting my eyes.
"Ang cute talaga ng inaanak ko," I said. "Bungisngis!"
"Nicholas was like that when he was young. Hindi ko alam kung ano nang nangyari ngayon," pagkukwento niya.
I feel like it has been so long since I've last seen Nicholas. He'll be in senior high school now.
"How's Nicholas? Is he doing fine? Does he still get... panic attacks?" I reluctantly asked the last question.
Noah nodded.
"I've been convincing him to go to a professional. Sabi niya ay gagawin niya ngayong bakasyon. I want him to know that getting help is normal. And he's with me anyway. Our parents can't say anything."
Kung may paraan lang talaga para ipaintindi sa mga mas nakatatanda sa amin na hindi nadadaan sa pagbabago ng pananaw sa buhay ang paghilom. Hindi naman namin ginustong matigil sa ganitong sitwasyon. Araw araw ay humahanap kami ng paraan. An escape route. But we keep going back to the start. Then it's a series of going forward and relapsing.
"He's lucky you're with him," I said almost enviously.
His breath hitched as if I hit a nerve on him. But before he could speak, Thelma was already being noisy while getting out of the car.
Pinapark ni Bryce ang kotse kaya hindi pa siya sumabay kay Thelma.
"Pwede nang mag asawa! Pwede na rin magpamilya," ani Thelma habang bitbit ang mga pinamili sa palengke. "Sandali lang ah."
Pumasok siya sa loob ng bahay para ilapag ang mga ito.
Then she got out quickly and skipped her way to where I stood.
"Thank you ninang. Akin na si baby Stuart."
Agad siyang nakilala ni Stuart kaya agad din na sumama sa kanya.
"Naistorbo ko yata ang loving loving niyo sa umaga dahil sa pag papaalaga kay Stuart. Pero okay na , ako na ang bahala sa kanya," Thelma kicked my leg secretly. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata.
Inipit ko ang binti ni Thelma gamit ang dalawang daliri ng paa upang makaganti.
"Aray!" di niya na napigilan. Nag inarte siya nang sandali ngunit tumawa rin. "Hay nako, Ysabelle! Ang sama sama mo pa rin talaga sa akin. Siya papasok na ako't magluluto muna."
Nilaro ni Thelma si Stuart habang papasok sila ng bahay.
Lumingon ako kay Noah na mukhang kanina pang nag iisip. Baka nga kahit ang pagdating ni Thelma ay hindi niya namalayan.
"Dito ba muna tayo sa-"
"When I... returned you. What did your parents do?" putol niya sa akin.
I was a loss for words. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto niyang marinig mula sa akin. Kumurap kurap ako.
"Uh..."
"Nothing," he concluded. His jaw clenched.
I nodded.
"Oo. Wala. Pinagpatuloy ko lang ang buhay ko na parang... walang nangyari," I shrugged.
Narinig ko ang kanyang pagmumura sa sarili. His eyes looked angry but when he looked back up, it was filled with determination.
"They did not get help? Ganoon ba?" kumpirma niya.
Tumango ulit ako.
"Wala akong nakuhang tulong mula sa propesyunal tulad ng plano mong gawin kay Nicholas. Kung yan ang tinatanong mo."
"Goddamn it," he sounded so disappointed as he massaged his temples.
Is he mad at me? Or...
Hindi na natapos ang pag iisip ko nang bigla akong hablutin ni Noah at niyakap. I gasped when I collided with him. Napahawak ako sa kanyang balikat dahil sa pagkabigla.
"They didn't even..." hindi niya matapos tapos ang mga pangungusap. But I knew the frustration behind his voice.
Then I let myself go, relaxing in his embrace. Along with me, he's also embracing my weakness, brokenness, and my sorrows.
"I'm here now, Ysabelle. Hindi mo na kailangang magtiis. I-I'll support you, alright? Don't ever feel like you're a burden to me."
I nodded on his shoulders while tears slowly fell from my eyes.
"When you feel sad, you tell me. I don't mind listening for hours or days or weeks. And if you're tired, I'll be our strength. If you need help, we'll get all the help we can. I'll do everything to make it alright," he recited like a lifetime vow.
Noong papunta kami noon sa Batangas, ang sabi niya sa akin "I'll be there, Ysabelle." I always thought that he just meant that he'll literally be in Batangas with me. Pero ngayon ko lang mas naunawaan ito.
When everything gets messy. When everything is a chaos both inside my head and around me. He's my silence. No matter how uncontrollable things are, there is one thing constant and one thing I'm sure of. He's there. To my aid and rescue.