Jessica was tipsy and feeling lighter than she had all day. She knew alcohol was only a temporary fix, but she just wanted to enjoy the moment.
"I knew you would have fun," Hannah said, giving her a slight jab with her elbow into her side.
"You're right." This is what she had needed after a heavy session with the therapist.
"Come on, let's dance." Hannah pulled her by the hand onto the busy dance floor.
The music flowed through her, and she swung her hips in time with the beat. Hannah had her hands in the air, looking like she was having a blast.
Sweat trickled down her top and she was working her way up to her next drink. Her friend smiled as they danced. Her carefree happiness rubbed off on her and she closed her eyes and allowed the music to block out everything else.
There was no past, no future, just now. Right now. Her shoulders were lighter from the weight of guilt, her heart free from grief.
And there was only one person on her mind. Myles.
She wanted to see him more than anything, so after Hannah dropped her off at her place, she called a taxi. She dared not drive after drinking so much.
The taxi dropped her off outside Myles' house and she smiled happily as she followed the path to the front door, imagining how he would look as he opened it. He would pull her inside and kiss her just the way she wanted right now.
He would take her to bed, and her pulse quickened at the thought. The anticipation made her heart race.
She knocked on the door and waited but there was no rustle of movement from inside. A secret smile still held her lips in place as she continued to wait.
After about a minute, she knocked again. Maybe he was in a very deep sleep. Her smile began to wane.
But one moment became two and then another minute passed. She frowned and got her phone out to check the time. It was two in the morning. Where was he if he wasn't home?
Disappointment gave way to something else entirely as her mind raced through the possibilities of where he could be.
He could be out with his friends. It wasn't like she expected him to stay at home every night waiting for the possibility of her showing up at odd hours of the night for an intimate liaison. But as her mind raced, other possibilities began to occur to her. What if he was with someone else?
The thought winded her and she pressed her hand to her chest to help her suck in her next breath. Someone else. What if she had taken too long, like Hannah said? What if he had found another girl? The pain in her chest grew. An image of the girl he worked with settled in her mind and she couldn't think of anything else. Could he be with her?
She backed away from the door, struggling with her imagination as she stumbled slightly in her high heels. In her mind, it wasn't her between the sheets with Myles. No, this time when she thought about Myles, he was in bed with the pretty girl with the pixie haircut.
As much as she tried to assure herself that he still cared for her, and that he wouldn't just go off with someone else, she couldn't shake the fact that he wasn't at home at two in the morning when most people would be home from a night out.
She sat down on the steps in front of the house and pulled out her phone. She could call a taxi and just go home to deal with this later, but she found herself searching for Myles' number. Her finger hovered over the call button for a few seconds before she called him.
It rang and rang. She held her breath as she waited. When it clicked over to voicemail, she felt more despondent.
He could have stayed over at Joe's? She tried to reason with herself, but it was difficult to stop her mind from running wild with the possibility that he had moved on. Could she blame him? The truth was she couldn't.
She had been holding back for so long, indecisive about what to do, and she had to face the possibility that she had lost Myles.
She tried to call him again, but no one answered, and when it clicked over to voicemail again, she ended the call. What was there to say?
Her next call was for a taxi, which arrived a few minutes later. Her carefree mood from before was gone and all that was left was regret and fear.
For what felt like forever, she sat down on the sofa when she got home and stared at the picture of the Shaw brothers. Her eyes traced Myles' handsome features, and she swallowed.
She clutched her phone, but she couldn't bring herself to call him again. She had already called him twice. She set her phone down deliberately on the table before curling up on the sofa in the dark. Her eyes stared into the distance, trying to stave off the fear of losing Myles. Sleep didn't come easily as she contemplated a future without him.
**********
She woke up to her phone ringing. Struggling to open her eyes, she reached for it and tried to make out the name on the caller ID. It was Myles.
The urge to answer was overcome by the lingering feelings of betrayal. She checked the time. It was seven in the morning and the sun filtered into the room.
She didn't have a headache, though her head felt stuffy. But her heart ached from the memory of the night before.
The phone stopped ringing. She stared at it and contemplated what to do. Should she phone him back? But she couldn't bring herself to pick up the phone and dial his number. She just couldn't. Maybe it was the fear that kept her from calling him.
It began to ring again. It rang and rang, piercing the quiet morning. It was a relief when it finally stopped.
She got up and made some coffee. It was strong and, after she finished it, she began to feel a little more awake. Still trying to figure out what to do about Myles, she took a shower and got dressed. She was just drying her hair when there was knock at her front door.
She frowned. She wasn't expecting anyone.
The sight of Myles through the peephole winded her. What was he doing here? She stepped away from the door, unsure of what to do.
She was startled when he knocked loudly again. She hadn't had time to think of how she was going to handle things with him, and he had caught her off guard. Did she ignore it and pretend she wasn't home? Or did she answer it and finally get the answer to where he had been when she had been knocking on his door at two in the morning.
She hesitated for a moment before she opened the door.
"Jess." He looked relieved to see her, and momentarily she felt guilty for not answering his calls, but then she felt the insecurity of not knowing where he had been the night before.
"Why are you here?" she asked, keeping her voice cool and unwelcoming. He was dressed in jeans and a white shirt. She refused to take note of how her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. She had no proof he had done anything wrong but that did nothing to stem her anger.
He frowned. "You weren't answering your phone and I was worried."
Not wanting her neighbors to hear their exchange, she opened the door wider and he entered. She closed it behind him and turned to face him, trying to wrestle between her head and heart.
"Is everything okay?" he asked, studying her with a small frown.
She couldn't pull herself free from the thoughts of where he had been the night before, and she crossed her arms. "I'm fine."
"Then why didn't you answer my calls this morning?"
How did she put her fears into words? She let out a heavy breath.
"What's going on, Jess?"
"Where were you?" she asked, giving him a steely look, needing to know whether it was good or bad news. She studied his features as she waited for his response.
**********
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