"How are you and Myles doing?" Karsyn asked, taking a seat beside Jessica on her sofa.
She studied him. "I thought he would have told you."
He shook his head. "You are off limits to him."
That was surprising. She had expected them to have spoken about it and the fact that Myles didn't made her feel like he wasn't completely comfortable with it. Did he still somehow feel insecure when it came to her and Karsyn?
"There isn't much to talk about." She didn't feel completely comfortable talking about all the aspects of what was going on with his younger brother.
"I thought you guys would have made it official already." He studied her, and she shifted uncomfortably.
"It's not that easy. We have to work through some stuff." The truth was she was the one who had to work through some stuff, there was nothing holding Myles back.
"I was wrong." He sat up straighter, his eyes downcast.
"About what?" He wasn't making much sense.
"When I said he would break your heart." He ran a hand through his hair. "I wanted to believe it was as basic as sex..." His eyes found hers. "But I can see it's more...much more."
She didn't know how that made her feel. It didn't change her indecisions, her second guessing, wondering if she was making a mistake or not. The only thing she felt sure of was her feelings for Myles. She loved him, that wasn't something she could question or second guess. But the cold hard truth was Myles didn't love her, and what if he couldn't?
There was no surety even in relationships where both partners were head-over-heels in love, so what chance did they have? The odds didn't look good at all. But none of the logical reasoning changed how she still felt about him.
She chewed her lip gently. "I love him." She watched his expression.
He smiled but there was only sadness in his eyes. "There was a time I thought we would be forever." He let out an emotional breath. "And then..."
She reached out and covered his hand with hers. "I don't want to hurt you."
No matter how he had treated her or what had happened in the past, she didn't want to hurt him.
"I only have myself to blame," he said as his other hand covered hers, enveloping her hand in his. "If I had handled things better, we wouldn't be here like this."
His eyes held hers, hypnotic. They held the memories of her first love, the first boy to own her heart.
"Where would we be?" she whispered, giving in to the curiosity of what if.
"We'd still be together, still in love, making plans for the future." He looked at her wistfully.
"Future?" she prompted.
He pressed his lips together as if debating his next words. "Even though we were young, I was very sure about how I felt about you. If things hadn't changed, I would have asked you to marry me."
Her eyes widened. "Really?"
He nodded.
But no matter how much they had cared for each other or what their plans had been, Dylan's death had derailed that and sent them off in different directions. Their past had no place in their future.
She cared deeply for him, but she loved Myles. She pulled her hand from his clasp. "I'm sorry, Karsyn."
He shrugged. "Me too." His eyes lingered on her.
The silence was tinged with sadness.
"I'm fine, Karsyn. I went back to the therapist today."
"That's good to hear."
She nodded. "It was hard. Talking about what happened was difficult. It never gets any easier talking about Dylan...or what happened."
There was that saying 'time heals all wounds', but she was skeptical. It hurt just as much as the day it had happened. It didn't feel any easier.
He put his arm around her and gave her hug. "I know."
For a few moments they sat close as their hearts shared in the grief of losing a loved one.
She was the first to pull away. "I need you to be okay, Karsyn."
"I am," he assured her, but she wasn't convinced.
"I thought we agreed that you needed to concentrate on yourself."
"I was worried about you. Especially when Charlie told me you had stopped therapy."
She felt guilty for pulling him back when she knew the best thing was for them to have space so he could focus on himself.
"I don't want you to take this the wrong way," she murmured, unsure of how he was going to take her next statement. "I need you to take care of yourself. I can't try and fix myself if I keep worrying about sucking you back into my messed-up life."
"It's difficult to keep my distance when I think you're struggling."
"I need you to be selfish. Don't worry about me, I have enough people to keep me focused on what's important. I want you to concentrate on figuring out what you need. That's what I want more than anything."
"What if what I need is not the same as what you need?" he murmured.
She hadn't thought about that. She had always believed giving him space was the best way for him to move forward.
"What do you need, Karsyn?"
"I need to be a part of your life even if it's only as a friend. I respect that you're involved with Myles and figuring things out, but I can't go back to not having you in my life."
At times it was difficult to separate the boy she had loved with the man in front of her now. The memories of them clung to her, but now she knew the difference between how she felt about Myles and the remnants of feelings she felt for Karsyn.
"If that's what you need."
"It is."
"So, what have you been up to?" she asked, prepared to be the friend he wanted.
"Not much other than working."
"No girls?" Her heart still stuttered when she thought back to when the mention of another girl would have broken her heart.
He shook his head. "No one worth mentioning."
It was still weird to talk about things that would have crushed her before, but she was prepared to do whatever he needed. He had stepped up when she had needed him without hesitation, which had made up in some part for how he had treated her when Dylan had died.
Seeing the tiredness she hadn't noticed before in his eyes, she had a thought.
"Have you ever thought about talking to someone?" she mentioned. She had been very resistant to the idea of sharing her secrets and she still wasn't convinced it was helping, but maybe that was just her. Perhaps it would help Karsyn.
He frowned thoughtfully before he shook his head.
"Maybe, it's something to think about." And she left it at that.
Just then her phone started to ring. It was Hannah.
"Are you ready yet?"
She had momentarily forgotten about her promise to go out with her friend.
"No, I'm not letting you back out," Hannah insisted when she didn't immediately answer. "Come on. I need to get all dressed up, looking pretty and go out. And I don't want to go alone."
That was enough to push her into agreeing to get ready in time for Hannah to pick her up.
Karsyn stood when she ended the call, and she rose.
"You guys going anywhere special tonight?" He had obviously heard her side of the conversation.
"Not really," she mumbled as she rubbed the back of her neck. "She wants to go clubbing. I think she's on the hunt for a man."
"You don't look like you want to go." He knew her too well.
She shrugged. "I had a rough day, but I know once I go out I'll end up having fun. Besides, I don't want to stay home."
She needed to be distracted.
"Well...have fun," he said as he made his way to her front door.
"Take care of yourself, Karsyn," she murmured as she opened it for him.
"You too." He gave her one last look before he walked out.
She watched as he disappeared before she closed the door and leaned against it.
Now that she was alone, it was impossible not to think of Dylan and all she had relived that afternoon with the therapist. She took in a deep emotional breath before slowly exhaling.