QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:
"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
Dedication: @inexplicit (I love her, and her stories, and she's been there for me anytime.)
***
CHAPTER EIGHT
I don't know for how long I stand like that, trying to sleep, but suddenly someone enters in and turns the light on again. I'm so ready to curse Calvin –
"Calvin, f-" But I startle with Sue in front of me.
"Jackie Cookie," she whispers. "What are you doing here?" She's in her pyjamas, her hair a mess and her eyes red. I figure that she's just woken up but why in this goddamn hour? She draws closer to the bed, and sits at the edge, her eyes still on me wary.
"We are having a party," I say, not sure what else to elaborate.
"A party?" she whisper-yells. "Why didn't you invite me?" I chuckle quietly at her anger. "Wait, where is Cal?"
"He's sleeping on the couch."
"Oh, I thought he's just come home and he doesn't sleep before he says good night to me so I couldn't sleep."
"Hmm," I hum, "what about sleeping with me?"
She looks at me. "You serious?" When she receives a nod from me, she asks another question: "Do you snort?"
"Hmm, no."
She shrugs and pushes me lightly to make a room for herself next to mine. "Then, okay. I was scared anyway," she mumbles softly.
"Why?"
"We watched a horror movie."
"I'll save you from anyone," I promise her, as we lie together and she throws her little arm around me.
"You promise?" She asks, looking up.
"Yeah, princess, I'm your Prince Charming."
"But you're a girl," she whispers, "how is it possible?"
"Because Prince Charming is actually a girl, but she uses that name to sound strong."
"Huh," Sue huffs, "a girl can be strong."
"Indeed, she's dumb anyway."
"But you aren't," she answers, "so don't be her. Hmm, be my Mulan."
"Whatever the princess desires," I whisper in her ear and she giggles.
"You know," she murmurs, sleepy, "Cal tells a lot about you."
"Oh, does he?"
"Yeah," she replies, burying her head beneath my neck, "he doesn't really shut up. But it's okay. I like you, Jackie Cookie."
"What does he say, anyway?" I inquire, hoping to take benefit from her sleepy mind.
"He made me promise not to tell anyone."
I sigh. "I'm not anyone, Sue, I'm Jackie Cookie."
"Right," she hums thoughtfully and pauses a little. "He says that – that you are annoying. Most of the time. And sometimes you aren't. Well, he says that he likes you better when you aren't annoying. But he likes you in general, I'm sure, he keeps talking."
"Oh." I can use this against Calvin when the time comes. "What else?" No answer comes. "Sue." I whisper, then I look down and notice she's already asleep, breathing slower and her eyes shut peacefully. A soft smile plays on my lips and I yawn, realising I need to sleep as well.
***
In the morning, I startle when I wake up next to Sue, she's still peacefully sleeping, then I remember last night. I check what time it is from the clock hung on the wall: 6 am. It means I've slept less than four hours but I don't feel sleepy anyway. I make an extra effort while getting up not to wake Sue, and then tip-toe through the door. I descend the stairs slowly, heading to kitchen after glancing at Calvin who is sleeping on the couch, and I smile uncontrollably. Of course, in turn I roll my eyes at myself.
I pour down a glass of water to myself and drink it slowly. Everyone must be sleeping, and it's the best if I leave now. Then, no one would ever see me and nothing awkward would happen. Great plan.
Ready to climb the stairs, my eyes dart on the mirror and I realise how a situation I am in: wearing Calvin's loose t-shirt and shorts, my face totally a mess along with my hair, and I really look like a psycho. Or someone who is running away. Both of them might be true in some circumstances, though.
I immediately head to Calvin's bedroom again, checking if my clothes are dry, and when I decide so, I put them on. Grabbing my bag, I leave the door and head downstairs once again. I open the door, glancing at Calvin once more. If I leave like this, it is going to be so rude. Why do I speak as if I'm not rude? I find myself searching for a piece of paper and pen to write something down. I espy them: on the fridge. I write down: 'Thank you.' and place it next to Calvin, somewhere he can spot when he wakes up.
Closing the door softly behind me, I start walking towards home. The streets are so silent and I like that, because it's really calm to hear only the sound of wind, the tweets of birds and – wait, I should stop talking like this. It's not me, there must be something to complain about. There is always something to complain.
When I'm at door, fitting the key in, I realise the door is open before I manage to unlock it. Who I see in front of me is my father, ready to head to work and when he sees me, he frowns. "Jacqueline." There is a thick confusion in his voice.
"Dad."
"What are you doing?"
"Entering home."
He rolls his eyes. "Why now?"
"I was at my friend's."
"Okay," he murmurs, checking his watch. "I need to go, I'm running late." He doesn't say goodbye or another word. I stare after him for a while, and I think this is so sad. He doesn't even notice my face – if he did, he didn't ask me why it happened. I sigh, entering, and I know nobody really wondered about me in this house. Maybe they didn't notice my absence.
Before thinking about anything else, I head off to my bed and throw myself on it. Soon enough, I fall asleep.
***
When I wake up again, by the alarm of my phone – wait I didn't set alarm – I realise it's not an alarm but someone's calling me. I immediately get up, leaning for the phone that is on my table and groan before answering it.
"What?"
"Good morning to you, too," Calvin says, with his annoyingly cheerful voice. "I noticed your message, and why did you leave so early? You could've woken me up."
"Seriously, did you call me for this?" I huff, noticing I've been only sleeping for one hour.
"Yes," he spits, "well, I know you're not a morning person."
"But you like me anyway," I blurt out.
"What?"
"Never mind," I say quickly, "well if you are done with checking, I need to sleep."
"What about school?" He asks in hurry.
"I'll ditch it, probably."
He laughs softly through the line, and I can imagine how he looks like right there. His eyes are probably closed for seconds, and his lips are curling in a slow manner. Wait, what? No, I'm not really paying attention. This is, ugh – "Do you have any plans after school?"
"Let me check my schedule," I mock, "uhm," I pretend I'm looking at it, "Well, no. I am free." Before he can answer, I add: "Oh wait, I noted down something here...it says: 'Busy if Calvin asks.'"
"Ha ha." Then, he clears his throat. "Well, I'll need someone else who is willing to come with me to Arby's."
"Yeah, you will," I say before registering the end of the sentence. "Wait – what did you say?" I yell excitedly. "A- ARBY'S?"
"Yeah," he answers dully.
"When?" I ask, with the annoyance of losing the battle. What he's doing is a low bow. Seducing me with Arby's. He's clever – he totally is.
"Are you coming?" He mocks. "I thought you are busy whenever Calvin asks."
"I can make an exception for this once," I mutter annoyedly.
"See you at six."
I really ditch school that day, spending my time alone at home, scrolling over pages online and watching the re-runs of my favourite show.
I notice it's 5 when my mum arrives at home and I decide to go down to greet her. I push myself out of bed and go downstairs, encountering with her tired but happy face. "Hey darling," she greets me with a bright grin on her face.
"Hey," I reply with a forced smile.
She frowns at me. "What happened to your face again?" She steps closer and touches my face but I shove her hand away.
"I'm fine," I snap.
"Don't do this, Jacqueline, please. I'm trying to be nice here, why do you do this? Why do you keep pushing me?"
"Do you really ask?" I snap, my voice higher. "Do you really ask why I'm doing this?"
She looks at me, her eyes wandering around my face and it bothers me. She shuts up again, she closes her mouth whenever she has to speak.
"You know what? I'm so tired of this bullshit, your stupid mother game or the whole thing of us being the fake happiest family."
"Don't speak like that to me, Jacqueline," she yells, as I make my way up to stairs but when I reach the middle, I stop and stare back at her. She's looking at me intently and I don't know how it happened or why but I find myself explaining it all.
Emptying the bottle or spilling the beans out. Whatever shit you call it. I let it out.
"Age 8. I'm trying to make friends at school and each time, I notice, I really have none. People don't want me. Or I'm not successful at talking. I ask you how I can make more friends and you say 'I'm busy'. I should've gathered that people are so busy to give a damn about me there. But I don't. I just nod and go upstairs. Later, I keep trying to be likeable by people. I try to be that person who everyone likes.
"Age 10. I am still trying but I mostly accepted that I'm a loner. A born-loner. You or dad don't give a fuck about me, either. It goes with that.
"Age 13. I'm someone who doesn't mess with anyone. I'm still Jacqueline at those times. I'm still that girl. Till one day," – my voice trembles – "when someone hits me, and I raise my head to say sorry but then, he pushes me on the wall and I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm about to die. Then, he wants my money. Instead of resisting, I give him how much I have with me. When he leaves, I cry," – my eyes are fixed on a point – "then when I get home, Mum, I want to tell you about that. The first time your daughter has ever been bullied – it's not like it's a victorious or proud moment but I want to share it with you. But when I make an attempt, you say you have more important things to do. I think what can be possibly more important than me for you? But then, I figure out I hold no importance for anyone.
"Age 15. One day, after lunch, I notice two guys fighting against the wall, then I realise one is bullying the other. I immediately reach them, trying to separate the bully from the victim guy. He laughs at me, you know, and all the memory flash back. I punch him, Mum, it's the first time I've ever punched someone. And he doesn't punch me back. He just stares and I help the victim guy. Then, a teacher sees us and I get fucking happy because he's caught. I caught a bully. We go to the teacher's room, and I wait for the victim to say the truth. You know what happens? He says I punched him out of blue. I demand that he was bullying but the teacher thinks I'm miserable. She calls you, and you warn me at night, remember? You say your daughter shouldn't punch people – she shouldn't be violent.
"After everything, I realise that people aren't worth the fight – they are just a pile of shit, and all they deserve... I become Jack. I become who I am. If there is something I know, it's that I pity Jacqueline. How insecure, stupid, caring and hopeful she has been. That she believed in people. I'm not that. Jack is strong, she doesn't give a shit, okay. Jack is not your daughter because she punches people, she swears and she," – a humorless snicker escapes my lips – "doesn't give a fuck.
"Age 16. First time I've ever been invited to a party. First time I've ever been wasted, and then, I've lost my virginity. Nobody was there to say 'use protection' or 'don't lose it for nothing' stuff. I've been all alone – so please, don't tell me I'm pushing you again. I can't push you because the distance between us is larger than the US."
She keeps staring at me – and I get fucking pissed off. But also relieved that I let it out of my system. I've collected many things I wasn't even aware of.
I don't wait her to open her mouth and say something, guess she doesn't have nothing, and head to my room, locking the door behind.
***