I breathe deeply through my nose, running both my hands through my hair when I exit Azrael's hospital room.
"Regretting it, yet?" Loki's voice rings out. My head snaps up at his intrusion. He looked exhausted as he stared back at me. His hair was unkept and all over the place and his fingers kept twitching as if he were searching for a fight.
I grit my teeth, "I thought you left."
"Tell me something." He ignores me, "What did Jai make you do while you were away?" He asks, with no hesitation. "Better yet, what did he do to you? Why didn't you come back?" His face is void of any emotion as he fires questions at me.
I hold back a flinch at questions, "I already told you." I defend weakly.
He sneers, "No. You told us why you left." His head is shaking, "You told us you had to protect Kaio and his sisters. You didn't tell us why." He continues, "Tell me what happened." He demands, "Tell me the truth so that I can let all the anger I feel towards you go."
I let out a weak laugh, "I thought you forgave me."
"I did." He nods, "I do but that doesn't mean I forgot how you left us." His lips purse at my obvious wince, "I'll never forget it. Do want to know why?" I shake my head but he continues anyways, "Because the day after you left, I came home looking for you. I had gotten jumped and the first person I wanted was my big brother, the person who promised me he'd have my back through whatever. I came looking for you in hopes you'd help me but you weren't there so I waited and waited and each day I kept getting my ass beat in hopes you'd just come save me." His smile is bitter, "Then I stopped waiting. Stopped hoping and started holding onto my anger."
His shudder is evident, "And then one day I just snapped. For the first time in my life I fought back and I felt relief at the thought of finally defending myself until I realized the person I was fighting back was barely breathing." He breathes, "I almost killed him...I might have killed him. I don't know because I ran straight home after, I didn't call for help. I just left him there without looking back." He admits, swallowing down his pain. "I've always had this anger pent up since I was a kid, you know? Tantrums, mood swings, randomly getting depressed without knowing the reason but that was the first time I had ever physically acted on it." He explains, his eyebrows furrowed like he was afraid to say whatever he was going to say next.
His exhale is shaky, "I knew it was bad." He tells me, "I knew when I started fighting. I knew when I started drinking to erase it. I knew when I started drugs to numb it." His fists clench and his eyes fall shut, "But I didn't really really know until I went home and I seen Azrael waiting for me." His voice cracks and my heart stumbles in my chest. "She didn't know I was home yet. I seen her through the window." His eyebrows furrow, "She was crying." He whispers, "And I knew it was because of me that time. She was crying because she was holding on to the hope that I let go." He wipes at his face roughly.
"It wasn't until I entered the house did I realize how much my habits were affecting her. She cleaned me up that night, acting as if it didn't affect her at all." He looks at me this time, "I was going to let it go. I wasn't going to say anything but then when I was on my way up to my room, I heard her cry out to me." He sniffles, "She begged me to stop. She begged and pleaded with me, telling me how much it scared her and I ignored her." He rasps, "It was the first sign she'd ever given me that she was being abused and I ignored her." His face twists, "I saw how scared she was when she was begging me and I told her I didn't care."
I choke on a sob when I ask, "What happened after?"
"Lucas attempted suicide the same night." He whispers and my shoulders fall, remembering the conversation me and Lucas had. "It wasn't until a week later when Lucas was sent to a rehab facility did Azrael leave. We thought she'd come back but she didn't. She cut us off completely and it wasn't until we tried to reach out that we realized we weren't the only one's struggling." He explains, "Azrael was our rock and we didn't even think about how she was struggling as well." He finishes.
I feel like I'm about to throw up when he's done. Why did I leave? Everything they went through could've been avoided. Everything I went through could've been avoided but then Kaio wouldn't be here right now. Nava would've been dead. Why? Why? Why? I grab hold of my head at the headache starting to form.
"Tell me." Loki demands. "What did Jai do to you?"
What didn't he do? My skin burns when I close my eyes and remember, "There was this box he had." I start, shaking my head, "It was cage like, something you'd put a dog in but big enough for a person to fit in." I explain, "When I didn't do what I was supposed to do I'd be thrown in there. I didn't fight or try to escape because I knew the consequences would be worse." I shrug as I struggle to get to the next part.
I take a deep breath, remembering the shame. The embarrassment. The pain. The torture. My throat hurts as I continue, "I was spit on..." I rasp, "I was peed on." I croak, my cheeks heating with shame, "Almost raped." I grit out. It hurt but I kept going, "They b-burned me." I stutter because for that was the worst part. It was the scariest.
"But why?" Loki whispers.
I feel anger at his question, "He did it because he could." I sneer, "He did it because one night I messed up his biggest profit when I found out what he was really doing. Kaio had finally told me and I made a plan to stop it. Kaio had warned me what could happen but I didn't listen, he went with it anyways." I smile weakly, remembering the argument we had that night. He was so damn adamant on going alone but I forced him to take me with him.
Loki's face was pale, "What was he profiting from that night?"
I close my eyes, resting the back of my head against the wall, "Sex trafficking." I tell him, "He was planning on selling both Nava and Mina." I finish quietly.
Loki's inhale was sharp but I didn't give him time to speak, "We hid the both of them. Took their phones or anything that you could use to track them." I start, "It was the first night I actually killed someone and felt nothing." I admit, "I met the man Jai made a deal with that night. They had a dinner planned and impulsively I showed." I remember the night so vividly. I was so fucking stupid and naive. I should've thought of a better plan.
The laugh I let out is broken, "I stabbed him in the neck." I tell him, "Right in front of Jai, stupid right?" Loki doesn't respond, "He had me jumped that night. Stabbed three times and burnt four. My body went into shock and I almost died." I straighten up, feeling the scars on my back start to burn.
"I didn't see Kaio for at least a year after that." I admonish, "He sent me to traffic drugs, fight and watch as he sold women, men, fucking babies and kids." I breathe, "There was this little boy that I met. He was so scared, he kept calling out for his mom." I feel my tears finally fall, "Turns out we aren't the only ones with shitty parents, his mother traded him in for drugs."
His next question breaks me, "What did you do?" He croaks.
"Nothing." I choke out, "I did nothing because he threatened you and the boys. He threatened to sell Azrael off and told me I'd never see Kaio again if I ever tried fucking up his deals and profits again." I tell him, "So I stood back and did nothing. I watched as they were sold off. I sold drugs and watched teenagers, mother's, father's and loved ones fuck up there lives, overdose and battle with addiction."
I sigh, "He sent me off to fight. It made him a shit ton of money when he found out I could fight. He made me fight until people were no longer breathing." I finish.
When I finally turn to face Loki, he's crying. Hard. His body is shaking uncontrollably as he processes my words. My next words hit him the hardest, "I take full responsibility for leaving. I could've stayed but I didn't and that's my fault but I won't keep trying to defend myself for taking so long to come back." My eyebrows furrow at his pained expression, "I couldn't." I whisper, "I wanted too. You don't think I thought about you three? I thought about you every single day."
His guilt is displayed out in the open for everyone to see, "I'm sorry." He cries, "I'm sorry." He repeats.
"I prayed every morning and night, hoping that you were happy." I tell him, reaching out to rest my hand on his shoulder, "And to find out that you weren't because you were waiting on me, fucking kills me." He avoids my eyes, "It hurts me to know that I wasn't here to support Lucas when he was in rehab because he was so depressed, he thought suicide was his only friend." He flinches but I don't stop, "You don't think it hurts me to know that LeRoy, my baby brother didn't have any type of guidance on how to express his feelings. That I wasn't there to tell him it was okay to feel? And what about Azrael? She's laying in a hospital bed right now because her mom stabbed her." I finish, breathing heavily. "She thinks her mother is alive and she's not because I just fucking killed her."
"I know I wasn't here and I'm drowning in guilt for it but I'm here now, okay?" I whisper.
He nods, "Okay."
I pull him in for a hug and he rests his head on my shoulder. I feel his body relax into me just as mine does the same because it's been such a long time since I've held onto my brother and to know that I finally can and actually do it feels like breathing again.
"What are you gonna tell Azrael?" He mumbles.
"The same thing I told you."
He shakes his head, pulling away, "No. How are you going to tell Azrael about her mother?" He sniffs, using the sleeve of his hoodie to wipes at his eyes.
I run a hand through my curls, "I don't know." I mutter, "I was so angry when I did it, I wasn't thinking about how Azrael would feel." I didn't even think about how Rico would feel. Fuck. I hated how impulsive I was. "Did Kaio tell you what he was going to do with Carla?"
He shakes his head, "He just told me to shutup and act like it never happened." He scowls.
I smile despite the situation, "It's better that way."
Then I pause, "Did you know Matias was back?" I ask, watching the way his eyes light up.
"What?" He breathes, "Santiago wasn't lying?" He asks, eyes scanning the halls before meeting mine again.
I shake my head, "You didn't see him? He was here earlier." I telling him, confused on where he could possibly go.
"Has Azrael seen him?" He wonders.
I shake my head and he sighs, "Jesus, she has no idea what's happening. He mumbles under his breath, "I really hope this doesn't take a toll on her after it's all over."
My shoulders tense, "It will."
I don't think I realized how sad my story was until now LMAOOO
Author's Note:
So this book is almost over 😭 I think we have about 9 or 10 more chapters to go before the next book comes out which is probably going to be even sadder so sorry in advance for your heart break. I CAN FINALLY SAY we know about Lucio's past now which is :( :( I was listening to So Cold while writing this so imagine my tears.
I also forgot to say THANKKKK YOUUUUU ! I've hit 5k within a day and I'm super grateful to the people who read my story so yeah thank you ! & I'll see you in the next chapter.
Pleaseeeee don't forget to vote ! I loveeee youuuuus