𝐳𝐞𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐮𝐫𝐚 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭
———
"i'm sorry fa what happened to you zene..." my egg doner sat at the edge of my bed with a blank expression.
for all the 19 years i lived, i can actually say that i've never seen this woman share one sincere emotion with me. it's like her whole demeanor towards me was...blank
sometimes i wonder how my father, the bright, outgoing, funny, personality filled man ever even got married to ha, i guess love makes you do shit you'd never imagine.
"...ion want ya sympathy, you didn't do it why you tellin me sorry." i squinted my eyes at her, speaking for the first time in two days.
"look, don't nobody deserve any shit like that happening to them. no matter what type of person they is. you still my child zene, that shit hurts me too."
"i'm still yo child? we put that relationship behind us 4 years ago miss, please don't piss me off." i dryly chuckled.
"ion even know why i'm tryna talk to you." i heard her mumble before she got up, leaving the room and shutting the door.
i sighed laying on my back as my phone started buzzing multiple times as it had been for the last 48 hours.
i finally decided to pick up my phone and answer back to the texts from mahlia, q, and the boys saying i'm ok.
my phone instantly started ringing, seeing a phone call from fendi and i silently groaned before answering.
"zene." he looked down at the camera and i saw that he was driving.
"fendi."
"why you wasn't answering nobody? we deadass was getting ready to come home today."
"i'm fine im fine you don't have to do allat." i quickly said, feeling bad that i almost interfered with their business trip.
"you good man? you don't look normal." he placed his phone in his lap catching quick glimpses at the camera every second he could.
"i'm okayyy, i was just feelin a lil antisocial." i lied nervously chuckling.
"quit with allat lying shit, ion know who you think this is on the phone witchu but it's me so come to mind that i'm not taking the bullshit."
"i swea i'm ok, you stays tryna save me." i shook my head.
"imma deal with that when we get back, we posed' ta be coming tomorrow."
"and call yo bestfriend he outchea trim, i luh you."
"luh you too." i held up my deuces in the camera and we hung up the phone.
i pressed the facetime button on sai's contact and it didn't even ring properly before he answered.
"girl when i get down there imma pistol whip yo ass!"
"shut up sai." i forced a smile shaking my head.
"what's wrong witchu?" his face dropped into a deep expression of worry.
"nothing i'm ok."
"no you not, what's wrong zene?" he asked.
"and why you not at yo crib, where you at?"
"im good bra i promise, aye imma call you back doe mama callin me." a heap of lies rolling off my tongue as i referred to his mother.
i hung up the phone not giving him a chance to respond before curling up in the corner of my bed.
"don't cry, don't cry, don't cry." i whispered under my breath, rocking back and forth, as i did my best to keep myself strong.
i just wish i could find something that takes all the pain away, even if it's for a few minutes. i'm desperate at this point, and i don't want to have to keep on lying to my family about my well being.
i ran my hand down my face and looked up at the ceiling. "damn daddy, where yo ass at when i need you?"
looking around the room, i saw my old pill bottle peaking out from my closet.
i rose up off of my bed, slowly walking over to the closet as i crouched down and picked it up. memories instantly flooded my head as i held it in my hand.
3 years prior
"nigga are you okay? what the hell." 16 year old ej stood in front of the 16 year old zene, shaking her shoulders.
"dude i'm vibinn." she laughed, high as a kite off of the intoxicating drug.
"cmon man we gotta find help assum." sayair panicked, pacing around her bedroom looking for the drug she may or may not have abused.
"nae... you been popping percs..?" t3 held up the bottle in his hand reading the label.
"oh my fucking god." sayair stressed sitting down on her bed.
"what we supposed to do?!" the teenagers rambled at eachother in confusion.
"yo- aye what happened to ha?" 17 year old fendi walked in the room pointing at zene who was clearly in a trance.
"bruh she popped a perc and now ha ass tripped out!"
"or two-"
"not right now ej." they all sternly pointed at him.
"cmon man we gotta get ha to a hospital assum."
zene hearing them argue was all a blur, as she stared losing her balance and gripped onto one of the boys' shoulder.
"y'all-" her sentence got cut off by her passing out, but they all made sure she didn't hit the floor.
"fuck!" sai panicked picking her up bridal style and running downstairs as the others followed him.
they rushed her to the hospital, and she ended up staying in there for almost a month because of how much damage all the drugs did to her body.
i shook my head standing up with the pill bottle in my hand.
"i'll be more careful this time." i nodded slipping on my shoes and picking my phone up.
i sent a text to my old associate, pooh, before pulling my black hoodie over my head along with the matching black joggers.
i walked downstairs with a blank expression on my face as ariah watched me with an eyebrow raised.
"where are you-" she got cut off by me closing the door and getting into my car.
i drove down to the abandoned alley, waiting for pooh to pull up next to me.
getting the 50 dollars out of my purse, i got out and leaned against my car, pulling the hood over my head.
i heard a car pulling up and saw as he carelessly parked up next to mine and got out.
but- it wasn't a he, it was a she?
"where da hell pooh at?" i asked.
"he takin care ah' his daughta." the girl, dressed in the same thing as me with her long, straight bundles hanging over her shoulders walked over to me.
"ian buying from nobody unless it's him." i scrunched my face up getting ready to get back in my car.
"damn lil miss youtube, you seem to do this a lot." i heard the girl chuckled and spun around.
"fuck you just say?"
"youn know shit bout me, watch ya mouth bitch." i mugged her.
"you right, ian mean to judge you ma fault. ion meen to get in yo business anun but if you steady takin this shit, just stop dawg. you got alot of people that look up to you and they'a hate to see ya ass layin in a coffin. just sayin." she shrugged handing over the baggie and i slipped the 50 into her hands.
"it ain't about them, i'm tryna cope."
"nah you bein selfish, it got other ways you could go about coping shawty, drugs ain't always da answer." she shrugged.
"yea well i wonder what you'a think about different ways to go about coping when you got ra-" i started but instantly cut myself off feeling nauseous again.
"look, i'm sorry about whatever happened to you. i can't put myself in your shoes cause i never experienced that, but honestly you can't just give up on yaself knowing how far you done came in life. i saw yo channel go from 1k to 250 dawg, dassa big accomplishment foreal. i seen that you been through so much for so long now, and you ain't neva gave up completely. look how you can manage to put a smile on yo face everyday even though you goin through shit. i been through shit too, and i know in the beginning it hurt so much you can't even fake it. you got a family that care about you, i only watched a few of yo videos and i could see that they be showing you that real love. all these people that care bout chu and you just risking it all."
"so think twice if you ever tryna lose allat just cause you having a weak moment, you don't gotta take my advice anun, i'll prolly neva see you again unless you get addicted." she said making me chuckle a lil.
addicted again you mean
"but foreal tho, pain is temporary." she nodded at me before walking over to her drivers side.
"aye watcho name is?"
"mya!" she called out to me before getting in her car and speeding down the road.
i sat in my car holding the baggie in my hand as the words she said started to sink into my head.
and she was right....but sometimes advice from a stranger can't quickly wipe all of that away.
i took two pills out the baggie and carelessly popped them into my mouth, swallowing dry.
sighing, i started driving off and made my way back to my egg doner's house.
"pop a perc and i black out- too soon nae." i shook my head turning off the car and going inside.
"ok....alright that's fine....goodnight." i heard her on the phone and walked into the kitchen as she followed me.
"that was the hospital...they called to ask if you wanna press charges.."
"what you told them?" i looked over my shoulder.
"i said ok. whoever did that shit to you needa pay time."
"why would you say that?! ion wanna fight a case against no white couple in court!" i turned around holding my arms out.
"i asked you if you knew who it was and you said no...?" she squinted her eyes and i sighed.
"look, i'm not pressing no chargers aight? ion wanna do it."
"so you gon just let the people that ruined you walk free?"
"i'm alive and breathing, that's all that matters." i mumbled brushing past her and jogged up the stairs going back into my room.
i can't stay here forever, but i'm not going back to that apartment if it's the last thing i do.
i softly closed my door and walked over to the mirror, looking at my reflection.
"fuck." i whispered under my breath, shaking my head.
i could feel the percs start to kick in.
i fell back on the bed, watching as the ceiling fan silently spun around and around.
a rush of tranquility passed through my body and i softly smiled, closing my eyes.
it's not being selfish, it's coping.