The sun streamed in through the blinds of Sirius's bedroom, falling on Colleen's beautiful sleeping face. He admired the way it shone on her long red-gold strands of hair as they draped across his black sheets. Her lips were parted ever so slightly, her eyelashes soft against her smooth alabaster cheek. Every detail of her seemed crafted for the express purpose of making his heart beat faster. It dawned on him how important it was for him to tread lightly and not mess this up.
After seeing Remus and Tonks safely into a Muggle cab (necessitated by keeping up appearances for Colleen's sake), they had opted for Sirius's place, since it was within walking distance of the bar. Dr. Moody would also be by later that morning, since Saturday was one of his free days from St. Mungo's when he could concentrate on house calls. Colleen was to go to her mother's house for a visit while Sirius was in session, since her mum also lived in the immediate area. It was a fortunate coincidence responsible for Sirius meeting Colleen in the first place exactly a week ago; since her mum had been keeping Ben, Colleen and Hannah had just happened upon Gallagher's when on a quest for the nearest club.
Sirius leaned down and pressed a kiss to her arm, then her cheek and forehead before finally grazing her lips. She stirred a little, and he laid a hand gently on the burgundy silk of her nightgown. After their escapade in the bathroom of the club, they both agreed that a night of actually sleeping together was what they both wanted, so that's what they did— Sirius in gray pajama bottoms, content to simply hold her and rest.
"Good morning, beautiful."
Colleen smiled. "You woke up before me — that must mean it's ridiculously late."
"Nine," Sirius replied. "Not too bad. Moody will be here at 10:30. Are you sure you don't mind going to your mum's?"
She stroked the stubble of his cheek with her thumb. "Of course not. I think it's great that you're talking to someone given everything you've been though."
Sirius couldn't tell her she didn't even know the half of it. But he would have to soon. The longer he let it go on, the more it would look like he'd been trying to hide something from her. Of course he was, but not out of malice or dishonesty. He just truly didn't know the proper protocol for such things in the magical world. He'd never been invested enough in any of his Muggle relationships to figure it out. At what point was it considered "love" enough to reveal all the secrets? He made a note to ask Dr. Moody, although he was pretty sure he wouldn't like the man's answer.
"Do you have any more of that hangover stuff?" Colleen asked him with a yawn. "It's not quite as bad this time, but I think brunch with my mum will be more bearable if I have a bit."
"Of course, love." Sirius strode to the cabinet across from the bed that kept his potion stores.
"What the...? Sirius, that's a lot of bottles. Do you need them that often?" She was clearly worried about his mental state.
He laughed. "No, you've got all kinds here. Headache, sore throat, sleep, wound healing, stuff to keep you alert, upset stomach, birth control, aphrodisiacs..."
"Pretty sure you've never needed to give a woman an aphrodisiac. I don't get it though...what are they?"
"Potions, love. Just the basic ones. And don't think of them like aphrodisiacs...more like enhancements." Sirius watched a lovely blush creep to her cheeks and he handed her the requested potion with a kiss.
"Coffee," Colleen muttered. "It's too early for this."
"Coffee can be arranged. As can enhancements...later this afternoon." He pulled her close and her hands immediately came up to roam his bare chest, exploring his tattoos.
"Did you get a count yet, kitten?"
"It's hard to tell where one begins and the other ends," she replied with a laugh. "20 maybe?"
"Something like that."
"Were they all from...?"
"Prison? The neck tattoo was my prison marking. The others I got in my years right after Hog— right after school. Just had it my head I had to be different I guess."
"Are they a language?" she continued, studying the heavy lettered ones. She was so close Sirius could feel her breath against his skin along with the sensuous pressure of her hands as she studied them. It seemed to be a byproduct of her intense studying and not intended to turn him on, but it was having that effect.
"Ancient runes. Nordic, Celtic, the like," he answered. "Sweetheart, unless you want me to have a massive hard-on and sexual fixation in therapy today, I suggest we save your investigation for a bit later, alright?"
Colleen nodded, her tongue licking her lips a little. Sirius caught a whiff of her perfume from the night before, now faded into a deep musk from sex and sleep. He became distracted by the way the burgundy silk clung to the round globes of her breasts and he found himself squeezing them, torturing himself. She was so soft, so feminine, so innocent and sexy at the same time. It would be so easy to call Moody up and cancel for today. Which would all but guarantee that he would show up on Sirius doorstep, all the more motivated to continue. No, Sirius had to follow the protocol. But Colleen Gilmore was making him come undone.
**************
"I heard Remus is leaving tomorrow," Dr. Moody began. "It must be hard to have your main connection to the Order going underground. Are you coping alright?"
Sirius shrugged. "Of course not. But they've somehow managed to find ways to exclude me ever since I returned from Azkaban, so I suppose I should be getting used to it by this point, yes? But I insisted Rhiannon update me on Harry."
"Ah yes— the two subjects I thought best to discuss today. Harry and Rhiannon."
"And I don't want to discuss either. I want to discuss Colleen."
"First things first," Dr. Moody suggested. "Let's start with what is the easiest— Professor Aspenfell's wedding. How did you take the news?"
"I was happy she's happy. I still don't understand it, but it is what it is. If Severus is what does it for her, who am I to question?"
"And with her delivering updates on Harry to you, do you have a plan to discuss her with Ms. Gilmore?"
Sirius fell silent. He'd only thought about mentioning Rhiannon to Colleen in the context of her saving his life, not as an ongoing presence. He'd already picked up on a bit of a jealous tendency in his new partner and he worried it would skyrocket if she met his celestial nineteen-year-old ex. He would have to tread carefully with that one too.
"I plan on making Colleen feel so completely worshipped, valued, and loved that it won't be an issue," Sirius said more confidently than he felt.
"Hmm." The quill went scratching mercilessly along again. "We'll revisit that thought. But on Harry— we've been meeting nearly a month now and you've hardly mentioned him."
Sirius winced. "Because it fucking hurts. I've failed him. I've failed James. The one person who was always there for me when no one else was. I'm the one who suggested Peter be the secret keeper of the Potters' location, instead of me. I had to go and act like I knew better than James did, how to protect his own family. I acted like a rabid animal when they arrested me that day. I made it easy on them to lock me up, away from Harry for twelve years. Then I get out, and for a while I do it right, you know? Checking in on Harry, watching him play Qudditich, help him out with advice for the tournament...taking chances, risk...to make sure he's ok. Then the minute fucking Lord Voldy comes back I cower down and hide in my mother's house, as Snape so charmingly pointed out. His words were gnawing at my brain that day in June— telling me what a useless coward I was. I had just lost Rhiannon to him...I mean JUST lost, when he said that to me, and why not, right? Snape's the hero now. Of course she would choose him."
"When I heard Harry was in trouble I had no choice but to go to the Ministry. I wasn't going to fail him again— but I did. I ran off at the damn mouth when I was dueling my cousin— showing off, and for who, even? My bloody self. Pissed her off, got myself killed. Then the minute I'm back I just cower down again, letting Dumbledore and Rhiannon call the shots. Harry now going off to Hogwarts, thinking he has no family again...do you know what it's like, to have no family? To be all you've got...to be at school knowing there's no one to care if you pass or fail, no one to write to you, no warm, happy place to spend the winter holidays unless you tag along with a friend and borrow his family. And sure, they love you. As much as they can love someone who's not theirs. But it's never quite the right fit... Harry and I were the right fit. I got him, he got me. But bloody hell, even if we didn't, it didn't matter, you know? James and Lily put us together. They charged me with caring for their son. And I just let him be carted away, for whatever move Dumbledore has up his sleeve next. While I'm busy fucking a single mom in the bathroom of a club, thinking I'm doing wonders for her self-confidence, when I'm probably just screwing up her life too. I'm a real fucking tosser, Doc."
Dr. Moody didn't agree or disagree, the only sound being quill-scratching as he tried to capture Sirius's rant for medical posterity. Sirius was surprised at his own candor. He wasn't even sure where it had come from— it was like someone had slipped Veritaserum into his morning coffee. It was one of those "in the light of day" situations, where the incredible high of the night gives way to subtle, sinking reality. When he'd gazed on her this morning— the angel there in his bed— Sirius had become keenly aware of his own unworthiness and his ability to scar and stain her, all wrapped up in the tornado that had been his life up to this point. For the first time, he started to understand how Remus must feel, seeing himself as a liability to those he cared about. For a man with normally unshaken self-confidence, it was a lot to process.
He and Dr. Moody continued to sit in silence, Sirius expecting some kind of analysis from what he'd just revealed, but he received none at first, as if the doctor considered the revelation itself to be the ultimate goal. But how to fix it all? How to still be something to Harry? How to make Colleen and Ben his masterpiece instead of another colossal failure?
"I think something that may help..." Dr. Moody began thoughtfully, "Though I hesitate to suggest it...is to stop attaching so much gravity to everything, and everyone. Now I don't mean for you to be cavalier and careless, but start seeing Harry as Harry— a young man, his own person, with his own mission and destiny. Don't think of him as your assignment, your responsibility, a manifestation of things you may believe you owe James. Of course you can love him, support him, help him as you are able, and when the time is right. But alongside of him, not looming above him as some guiding force, with all the pressures that entails. Harry is sixteen— only one year away from an adult in our world. He will not be served by your guilt, so you must release it and redefine your relationship to him. Likewise Ms. Gilmore— you mentioned "doing wonders for her self-confidence." Is that really your job? Why seek to change her, to improve her? It's so early in your relationship with her — she may love it now, but at some point people tend to resent external forces seeking to undo who they are. Embrace her shyness, her vulnerability. Be yourself. If she is to become a different or better person through her relationship with you then so be it, but it is not your responsibility to be some shining beacon, a hero, her rescuer. Just be together. As yourselves. And stop defining yourself based on your relation to others, based on what you can do for them, or how they see you."
Sirius wasn't sure what all that meant. It was a bit too philosophical for his tastes. Was he anything without someone else's love, someone else's need for him? It sounded selfish. He would have to ponder this in his own time, but for now he would discuss what had been bothering him all morning.
"I need to know the right way to be honest with her," Sirius began quietly, rubbing his chin. "Is there a rule book for wizards dating Muggles? A checklist? I mean, I know it's done, but how?"
Dr. Moody smiled. "With faith. And love. And a bit of luck, I imagine. It's a lot of hard, frightening truths to be confronted with all at once. Especially in these times. As far as a rule book, perhaps you should write one?"
"Pardon me?"
"Keep a journal. Document little tidbits as they are revealed to her. I imagine some already have been. Write down her reactions. If it went well, or didn't. What you could have done differently, or what was successful. Pretty soon you'll have your own narrative. 'How to Tell Your Muggle About the Wizarding World in 100 Days'...though you ultimately pick the number. I imagine you'll have a bestseller that may rob Professor Aspenfell of her #1 spot at Flourish and Blotts." An amused twitch appeared on his face, and Sirius couldn't tell if this was an actual exercise or a joke made at his expense.
"One problem with that, Doc. I'm dead, remember?"
"Pseudonym, Mr. Black. You're creative. I imagine you'll think of something."