Beep! Beep! Beep!
The sound invaded my sleep , waking me up suddenly. I felt more groggy than I usually do. Probably yesterday night was probably one of the bad nights.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
That annoying sound again. What on earth was that sound anyway? That definitely wasn’t my alarm. Maybe someone changed my alarm tune to this annoying sound.
Feeling unbelievable weak, I tried to reach my phone but my hands wouldn’t move. Unwillingly, I tried to peer open my eyes but they wouldn't open. Nor would any other organ of my body move. Panic started to gets its claws into me making the beeping sound more frantic.
I tried my best to calm the growing nerves so that I could concentrate better on my surroundings. Once the blood pounding in my ears subsided, I could hear another sound along with the constant beeping. Sound of someone sniffling.
Wait... not just someone. Its Kay and this knowledge immediately relaxed me. If Kay is here, then I am safe. She was talking to someone in very low voice. Straining my ears, I tried to concentrate further on those low voices so that I could make out further about my predicament.
“Shh... Kay. It’s okay,” said a male voice making me smile mentally. Its Jake. Jake is here. But why didn't I know. May be he wanted to surprise me.
More sniffling. Why is Kay crying though? She would be jumping with happiness normally.
“It's not ok Jake. Can't you see. I failed them. I failed them so miserably that she is now on that bed,” Kay said. Failed whom? What are they talking about?
“Stop beating your self Kay. It wasn't your fault. She went through a lot Kay,” Jake spoke softly.
“Yes she did. And I wasnt there for her when it all fell on her. Can you believe that when she needed me, I was in my room fucking my boss? How can I be so selfish Jake?” Her voice grew louder. Filled with so much self disgust. Her sniffles turned into small sobs making my heart ache.
Kay's boss Adam was one of the best persons I have met in my life. With him, I saw Kay behave her age for the first time. He made her really happy. They happily announced their relationship few weeks before we lost Aaron. He was sweet, caring and everything she deserved. He never left her side while she was going through the pain of losing Aaron. He was there not just for her but for us. He made sure we ate and drank. He always made sure to let us know of his presence all the while giving us space to mourn for the person we loved and lost. Without him beside, I dont think Kay would have coped up well.
But what's with this self hatred stuff? Did something go wrong between them?
Searching my almost numb brain proved to be a bad decision, as snippets of previous night invaded my mind making it hard to breathe. The nightmare. Aaron's dead eyes. The horror. My self loathing. And... my attempt to end my life. A wave of nausea passed through me at the memories. At my pathetic attempt of ending the misery and the selfishness.
Kay. I am the reason for the pain behind her voice. Once again, I am successful to bring tears and hurt to that one person who cared. Some one who gave up a better life to give me one. She blames herself for my weakness. God, how can I be this selfish.
The beeping sound reached a frantic level making Kay and Jake jump to their feet and reach me. Jake kept shouting for the nurse while Kay held my hand in a wise grip. Her tears dripping without a break. Her voice breaking with every two words. She kept repeating the same words. ‘Don’t leave me’.
‘I am sorry’ I wanted to say.
‘Dont hate me' I wanted to beg.
‘Its not your fault,’ I ached to reassure.
However, my lips wouldn’t move. My voice lost beneath the numbness I am feeling.
Sound of orders being barked out filled the room. Someone was beside me. Poking with sharp things. I could feel some new liquid pass through my veins.
Sounds around me blurred and blended together before a blanket blankness finally covered me.
.......
The next time I drifted into consciousness, the process was a lot smoother. I could open my eyes and even move my limbs. Kay was sitting beside my bed, her head resting lightly on the edge of my bed and her fingers interlinked with mine. Her eyes were closed and breaths were shallow, like she is in some peaceful sleep. But the dark circles under her eyes and her eyebrows scrunched into a frown said otherwise.
I laid still as long as I could so that she would rest. Knowing her like I do, I am sure her sleep schedule was almost non existent.
“Allie, darling you are awake?” Jake shouted from the doorway making Kay jump in her place. I mentally face palmed at my uncle’s excitement.
‘She was sleeping,’ I tried to say but my throat was too dry to let a sound out and thus ended up croaking out some unintelligent words.
Kay was immediately beside me with a glass full of water and a straw in it. She helped me into a reclining position and held the glass in place until I took few healthy sips.
“ She was sleeping,” I finally said with a glare directed towards my uncle which probably looked funny because he let out a hoarse chuckle as a response.
I turned towards Kay ready to apologise but she immediately turned her face away from me. Fuck. She is angry. I knew I fucked up but Kay giving silent treatment meant bad.
“Kay, I am sorry,” I said.
“ We need to let the doc know,” she said to Jake without acknowledging me.
Shit. That hurt.
“ Kay, look at me please,” I pleaded.
“Look at what Ali? At you lying on this fucking bed with wires hooked to you all over? At the proof how big a failure I was? What am I supposed to look at?”
“Kay,” uncle Jake said in a sad but stern voice before I could say anything.
“Fuck. I am sorry. I am sorry baby girl. I shouldn't have said all those things. You are fine and you are here with me. It is all that matters. I need some air,” she said with a resigned sigh and tried to leave the room.
“No Kay. I am sorry. I didn’t think. It hurt too much and I wanted it to end. I wasn't planning on it Kay. I had you. I wouldn’t give that up for anything in this world. I was selfish. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I promise I will get my shit together,” I said holding her hand in a tight grip pleading her to not leave me. Tears kept running down my face uncontrollably leaving the proof of my weakness all over.
“ Shhh. Its ok baby girl. I am here. Stop crying. We will get through it. We will be fine.” Her teary voice and warm embrace made me burry myself into her forgetting all the pain of past few days.
After few long moments, Kay released me from her embrace only for uncle Jake to take tor place.
“Don't you dare to frighten us like that ever again,” he said in a stern voice but it broke in between making me realise that he is trying to stop his tears.
“I am sorry uncle. I promise,” I hugged him back harder.
A knock on the door made us break our hug and turn towards the intruder. A doctor stood at the entrance with a small smile playing on her lips as she eyed us. I was waiting for the smile to turn into scowl or something. For her eyes to turn judgmental. But they never did.
Standing beside me, she started checking my vitals and once she is satisfied with all the numbers, she turned towards me. I immediately lowered my eyes afraid of seeing myself in strangers eyes. Kay and Jake are family. They wouldnt judge me or hate me. Nothing is stopping this stranger though.
However, there wasn't an ounce of judgement in her eyes. Instead, they were filled with compassion and understanding. Sitting in the chair beside the bed, she turned to face me with a small smile playing on her lips.
“How are you doing Ms. Sanders?” She asked.
“Fine.”
“You know what happened to you. Don't you?” her question was innocent. But I knew the judgement behind those words.
I simply nodded at her since I didn’t know what's considered right answer for her question.
“You lost a lot of blood. You went into hypovolemic shock by the time your aunt found you. Your vitals seem fine now but your body needs lot of healing. Both physically and emotionally,” she continued making me drop my head in shame.
With a small tilt of her head, she silently asked Jake and Kay to leave the room. Kay looked at me for permission which I granted without a second of hesitation since I wasnt too keen on them witnessing my humiliation.
“Look at me Ms. Sanders,” she commanded in a soft tone as soon as the door got locked behind Jake.
“Althea is fine.” My voice came out smaller than I intended. Shame holding my throat in a vice grip made it harder for the words to leave with every passing second.
“No Althea. You cant do that. You cant let one action od yours hold you a hostage. There is nothing to be ashamed about it dear. We all have our own demons to fight with and your demons, my dear, are worse than most of us had to deal with. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with pain. I had methods of my own too. Wrong methods. Unacceptable ones,” she said making me look at her with slightly widened eyes. This woman, in her white coat and sweet smile had demons to fight against. Well forgive me, but thats little hard to believe.
“Dont look at me like that girl. I am not perfect. No one in this world is. Everyone puts on masks to hide their imperfections. Few of us have our masks perfectly intact while the others wear cracked masks through which those imperfections could be seen. But trust me sweetie, no one of us are perfect.
I was in my high school when it started. Being a chubby kid growing up was never easy, but I never allowed my body weight to bother me. Not until I entered the jungle called high school where I was ridiculed for having curves. Made fun for not being perfect. Puberty hit me hard, I lost all the extra fat but the insecurities drilled into my head about my own body never left me. That’s when I decided to take things into my own foolish hands. Starving myself, binge eating and purging, I did them all. My mom noticed the change, she forced me to a doctor and I was diagonosed with Anorexia nervosa.
Medicines helped me for a while. But all it took was a bad breakup for me to relapse and fall back right into waiting hands of my monster. Days went by where I starved myself and what little I ate, I vomited the very next moment. During one of my purging episodes, I fell unconscious. The next thing I knew, I was in ER, hooked up to several wires. They said I went to shock due to hypotension and acidosis.” She paused making me gasp lightly.
“ I understood nothing though. Not a single thing other than the naked disappointment on my mom's face. That’s the moment I realised I had to get my shit together. I got back with my therapist and this time, I did it for myself, not for others. And as you can see, here I am.” A proud smile on her face made an involuntary one form on mine.
“We all have our downward spirals but Althea after a while we reach a point. A point where there is nothing but darkness below us. I call it the rock bottom. The pit at the end of our insanity. A point where you should decide if you want to climb up the pit of stay there forever and this my child, is your rock bottom. You reached it and now you must decide and act on your decision. Climbing up this pit it solely in your hands sweetie. All we can do it throw you a rope. It depends on you if you want to use that rope to climb up or to strangle yourself. Its time to make a decision child,” she ended.
“By the way, my mom was disappointed in me but that woman outside, she is disappointed in herself,” With that one final blow to heart, she got back to her work of checking my vitals in silence making the voice in my head seem louder than ever.
But amidst the noises in my head and silence of the room, one voice stood stark and clear. A voice which never fails to calm my storm. A voice commanding me to get my shit together. A voice promising that he would stay with me forever, even if it is only in my head.
But how? How can I get over the fact the Aaron and his mom are dead because of me. How can I ever take a breath without the weight of their deaths trying to squeeze the air out of me.
"Your vitals are stable. You can see your family now. If you want to that is," she asks for a comfirmation. Do I want to? Yes. I do. But how do I face them without feeling the weight of their dissapointment?
"There is nothing to be worried about Althea. Those people out there love you. No matter what. They didnot leave the hospital since you were brought it. Not your family, nor those boys. You dont have to be afraid child," she said with a sweet smile noticing my hesitation. I gave a small nod, making her smile wider. And she asked the nurse nearby to call in my family who were apparently asked to leave for the checkup.
"How is she doctor?" Jake asked in his no nonsense tone.
"Physically, she is doing better than we expected. The vitals are stable and the wound is recovering well. She will need a few more days of complete rest though. I will leave you guys to catch up then" the sweet doctor said with a nod towards my uncle and left me alone to face the dissapointment of the people who loved me.