I stand at the Manoban residence for the first time in my whole damn life. I stare at the huge door for what feels like eternity. I never thought even for once that I would find myself in this place, but that's the same thing with SNU. After my first class, I got this message from Jisoo.
I can't stand being in the hospital anymore. Dad brought me back to the house. You might want to come visit me, lalisa. Been waiting for you. I miss you already.
So I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell. A petite woman with jet-black hair and a pair of eyeglasses opens the door for me.
"Lisa," Anna looks surprised to see me, but I try to flash a smile at her. "Wow. You're here."
In awkward situations like this, I can only nod my head and purse my lips.
"Um, come in," she makes way for me so I walk in. The house is huge. With how much money Marco is making, I expected this. "Your father will be home in a few."
"Actually, I'm here to see Jisoo."
"Oh. Right. I... I'll show you to her room then."
I follow Anna as she walks up to the stairs to the second floor then turns right and stop at the first door with a poster of a cute rabbit. This is it, Jisoo's room.
"Just go right in," she instructs me.
I flash another forced smile, "Thanks."
I'm about to walk in when Anna turns to me again and say, "I'm glad you're here, Lisa."
"I am too," I nod my head and give her a genuine grin this time. "And I'm glad you're here, Anna."
I can tell that simple statement made her feel so happy, and that makes me feel great also. I should have come here years ago.
I push the door open and let myself in, "Unnie?"
"Lisa," Jisoo struggles to sit up.
I hurry to her side, "You don't have to sit, just lie down."
"But I want to," she insists.
I add another pillow on her back for support so she could sit comfortably as possible. Then we become quiet just looking anywhere else. I let my eyes wander around the room. As earlier suspected, her other basketball trophies and her trophies from the other competitions she's been in are being kept here. Now with this condition, I wonder if she's still going to join her team for the remaining games of the season. I keep looking until my eyes fall on her bedside table. One frame has a picture of me and Jisoo back when we were kids with our mother. I remember Marco took that picture. The second frame has a picture of Marco and Anna with the Great Wall of China on the background. The third one, the one nearest to her and separated from the other two frames by a digital alarm clock, has a picture of Jisoo and Jennie, and I realize even more how much important Jennie is to Jisoo. She's holding a dozen of balloons in variety of shapes and sizes, and Jennie was giving Jisoo a kiss on her cheek. They both look so happy. Even if Jennie's eyes were closed she looks so comfortable and the way she clings to Jisoo they looked like two puzzles meant to be together. That's how it was before I came here. Yeah, I was never meant to be in that same picture. I am the one who ruined their fairytale.
"Irene took that picture," she tells me as if she was reading my thoughts. "It was the first time that Jennie and I celebrated Valentine's Day together."
"You two looked so happy."
"We were." I know I'm the one who ruined their happiness. Then I hear her chuckle. Even with that, she struggles. "this hurts a lot."
And I wonder if she meant her ribs or her heart.
"You don't look so hot anymore with that neck brace, by the way."
"Did you just say I'm hot?" she wears that usual playful grin.
"It's mandatory, you know. You're my sister"
She softly chuckles again but suddenly becomes serious. "Are you still leaving?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to miss you, lalisa."
So she doesn't try to stop me anymore. I nod my head and smile, "I'm going to miss you too, Jisoo."
"Have you talked to Jennie?" she asks. The mere mention of her name by my sister brings back all the guilt in me.
"Not since she came to the hospital right after the accident."
"Irene said YG group along with Jungkook gave you a farewell performance."
"Jennie wasn't there," I try not to sound too defensive.
"Maybe she's not ready to say goodbye."
"Jisoo," I give her a look.
"No, really. Maybe she doesn't want to say goodbye. Maybe she doesn't want to see you go."
"Stop it, Jisoo."
"What?"
"We've talked about this."
"I was just saying."
"Don't."
And we both stay quiet for a while.
"Do you know that when I woke up for the first time after the accident, for a brief period of time, I couldn't remember who I am and everybody in the room was really worried?" she contains her laughter. "But not even for a moment did I forget the feeling of losing Jennie... it's really scary and sad."
"When I'm gone, we can all go back to normal. You can be this picture perfect couple again."
Jisoo reaches for my hand and holds it tight, "Thank you, Lisa. Thank you. I will never forget that my little sister has been ever willing to give up everything for me."
"Younger sister. You're the one who's little"
She chuckles again.
"I'm sorry I'm letting you do this. I'm such a coward. And yes, I can be this selfish... because I am so in love with her. Jennie is my life now. And I really can't let her go Lisa. But maybe someday I can return the favor."
"I'll call you when I'm in trouble," I wink at her then we share a laugh. Then silence fall between the two of us. "You don't have to say sorry unnie. Jennie is yours to begin with."
Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and Marco's head appears through the gap. "Dinner's ready."
Slowly, I assist Jisoo as she climbs off the bed then hand her, her crutches.
The dinner with Marco, Anna, and Jisoo was incredibly and surprisingly great. We fed Anna with our childhood stories and Marco would supply those embarrassing accounts which he's the only one who can still remember or perhaps, as Jisoo and I agreed, never really happened. I look at ourselves and I smile to myself because we look like a family. It would have been better if my mom is here. I know she would be really happy that I'm finally letting these people in.
After dinner, Marco requested me to go with him to his study room. If I was the old Lisa, I would have rudely declined, but then I wouldn't be here in his house in the first place. So I follow his lead.
"I heard you're leaving," Marco starts.
"In a few days," I respond. "I'm just waiting for mom."
He nods his head, "I won't force you to stay, don't worry."
"Thanks."
"You forgot this in the hospital when you were there," he gives me a sunflower. It's the one given by Jennie, but it's dead now.
"Just throw it away," I tell him. I can't have it anyway. It's not meant for me to have it. Jennie is not meant for me. Jennie is not mine.
But Marco only puts it back on the table.
"Your sister almost died again," he says and I pay all my attention to him. "The day after the accident, her heart stopped for 5 seconds, and I honestly thought I'm going to lose her forever."
I don't know what to say.
"That's how I've always felt with you, Lisa. All these years felt exactly like that 5 seconds. You're like this walking person with a dead heart... and every day it feels like I'm losing you more and more 'til it's inevitable. The worst part of it is that I know it's my fault. I killed you. I killed you and I don't know how to bring you back to life."
Marco starts crying and I do not know how to respond.
"You're going back to Thailand again and with what happened between you and your sister, you might never want to come back. I'm sorry if you always feel like I'm turning my back on you. The truth is I don't know how to face you, Lisa. I don't know how to put all the pieces back together. I try to meet your expectations with the hope that you would finally think I'm trying not to fail you. However, it seems to me that it's what I always end up doing. I figure you want me out so that's what I do."
Shit, now I'm crying too.
"But that doesn't mean I don't love you," he reaches for my hands. "You're my daughter too, and I love you very much. You can hate me for as long as you want. I understand if you don't ever want to forgive me. But I just need you to remember that you're always in my heart, Lisa."
With that, I tiptoe and give him an embrace. After thirteen years, for the first time, I give him a big embrace, and I'm just happy that he embraces me back. After thirteen years of feeling so incomplete, the huge hole in my heart is filled once again.
"I love you, dad."
Just like that I have given him everything he asked me back at the hospital. I have forgiven him, I have called him 'dad', and finally, I am welcoming him back to my life. It's not because I feel pity for him, not because he asked me to, but simply because I want this too.