This chapter was so hard to write. Emotionally, I got attached to the dog. But I was planning on killing her off. Oh gods of Olympus, that sounds terrible. But I was. It was for the plot, I swear! I love dogs!
*Daniel POV*
Bella runs out, running toward me a mile a minute. I bend down and hold out my arms for her.
"Bella?" I ask as if she can understand me. "What's wrong? Where's Gemma?"
Bella lets out a little whine.
I get up.
Bella turns and runs down the hall. I follow her. There's only one reason a trained service dog would abandon her handler. If the handler needed someone. As I near I can hear someone crying. It sounds like Gemma. Fear fills my mind. Gemma. I love her. She has to be okay. I run towards the sound of sobbing, disregarding the "No running in the halls" rule. It doesn't matter to me. My love is in trouble.
I burst through the doors and I take in the scene.
Gemma is sitting on her knees, with her face in her hands, sobbing, tears dripping through her hands. I can hear her whisper her sister's name over and over.
She's sitting in front of a mess. Splinters lay everywhere, with a vague blue color. Fear rises in me. No... Not the guitar. I walk over to the mess slowly, bend down, and read the paper attached to a rock. No... I pull out my phone and send off a quick text to Rina.
Then I gather Gemma in my arms and hold her there. "It's okay," I whisper. "It's okay?"
"Danny?" Rina asks, running in. Then she sees Gemma and I. "Gemma," Her voice rises in worry as she runs over and drops down next to her. "What happened? Did Joanna and Lizzy seriously..."
"Do this?" I ask. "I think so."
"Can we prove it?" Rina asks.
"I don't know," I say.
Rina's eyes are wild. You always have to be careful when her eyes are wild. There's no telling what she'll do. "I'll find a way."
Gemma
When I come to, I'm surrounded on one side by Daniel and on the other side by Rina.
"Hey, Gem," Daniel says. "You good?"
I sit up slowly, touching my forehead. "I... I think so." I lean into him and cry softly. "Why?"
"I don't know," Daniel whispers. "I don't know."
I can feel Rina rubbing my back. I love both of them so much. They're the first two people to notice me in a while. I love them so, so much.
Things didn't get any better after that. I started having daily flashbacks and nightly nightmares. I kept having panic attacks constantly. I tried to avoid places or things that would trigger memories and flashbacks, but it was so hard. I was constantly on guard about everything. I'd have spurts of just yelling at my siblings. I hated that. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to hurt them. I loved them. But I couldn't stop the adrenaline rush of anger when anyone was near me.
I sat in the doctor's office on that flat bed thing with the white paper sheet that always, always ends up tearing at some point.
I swung my feet against the metal. THe clang hurt my ears. At this point, I didn't care. I just wanted it all to be gone. I wanted everything to be gone. Rina and Daniel tried, but they weren't doctors or therapists, and there was only so much they could do.
"Hello, Gemma," Dr. Howard says, walking in. He sits down on his little black spinny stool. "How are you?"
I shrug and bang my heels against the metal again.
Mom grabs my hand. "Gemma, stop."
I jerk away. "Whatever."
"So I've heard the PTSD symptoms are getting worse," Dr. Howard says gently.
I normally welcome his gentle tone and the way he genuinely cares, but not right now. All I want is to stop talking about this. Memories flood my head of my sister. Memories I don't want. Memories of the crash. Memories of the hours post to the crash. It's all there. The fear inside of me intensifies. I've been living like this for days. I hate it. No one told me that grief felt like fear.
"Yeah, I guess," I say. My hands shake. I suck in a breath and try to calm myself down.
"What insinuated it?" Dr. Howard asks Mom.
"A girl at school..." Mom begins.
I do my best to block her voice out as she speaks. That story is a trigger for me. If I hear it, my PTSD will come into play. And it's already enough to make Mom pull me out of school this week.
Bella rests her nose on my foot and looks up at me.
I reach down and stroke her. I love her. She's one of the only things keeping me from breaking.
"So let's try another therapist," Dr. Howard says. "And I'm going to prescribe some different medications to manage it." He looks at me. "Gemma, I want you to know it's okay to ask for help. In fact," he pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles something on it. He hands it to me. "If you ever need me, this iss my number. I'm one call away, Gemma. Remember that."
I nod incoherently.
"Let's try some new meds for her," Dr. Howard says. "Let's try cognitive behavior therapy and some more psychotherapy. Gemma, we'll get this under control."
"Right," I mutter, looking at my lap.
I follow Mom to the car. My hands are shaking so badly I can barely manage to get the door open. Anxiety builds inside me as I slip in the car. Dissociation starts, but Bella presse her nose into my leg and leans on me. I reach down and shove my hands in her fur. When the disconnected feeling stops I release her and get in the car. Memories flood my mind as I stare at the dashboard. So much fear. So much anxiety.
When we arrive at home I fling the door open and run to my room, Bella on my heels. I collapse on my bed, letting Bella curl up next to me and press her warm body to my stomach.
A warm feeling enters me and my nerves calm a little bit as I stroke Bella.
"Hey, Gemma?" Daniel asks, knocking on my open door.
Bella jumps off my lap and curls up on the floor.
"Yeah?" I ask tentatively.
"Can I come in?" Daniel asks.
I nod.
He walks in and sits on the edge of my bed. "I love you," he says.
"I love you too," I say automatically.
"How are you?" he asks.
I pull my knees to my chest. "Not great. They're going to try cognitive behavior therapy, psychotherapy and more medications."
"How many medications do you take right now?" Daniel asks.
"Three to keep it under control," I say. "They're adding another. An antidepressant. Like I didn't already have enough medication to take."
"Think it'll help?" Daniel asks.
I shrug. "I'm willing to try anything. I hate this. It hasn't been this bad since I was first diagnosed."
"It must suck," Daniel says.
I nod. "But Bella's helping." I reach down with my foot and rub her back. She lets out a whimper.
That's not right. I get off my bed and bend down next to her? "Bella?" I ask. I touch her paw and she snaps at me.
"That's not good, is it?" Daniel asks.
I shake my head. "She must be in pain. She's a service dog. She's trained not to do things like snapping. Mom!" I yell.
Mom comes running in a half a second later. One good thing about having PTSD? You basically have your mom on speed dial.
"What's wrong?" Mom asks.
"Something's wrong with Bella," I say.
Mom bends down next to me and reaches out to Bella. Bella lets out a whimper and snaps again when Mom touches her.
Mom sucks in a breath. "We need to get her to an Animal Emergency Center."
I get up and pat my leg. "Bella?"
Bella lets out a whimper and eases to her feet, limping in pain. My heart nearly breaks at the scene.
"Bella," I say gently. I touch her harness.
She lets out another whimper, but stands tall. She follows me to the car and I help her hop in. Daniel slides in after her. Bella lays on my lap with her head pressed into my stomach. But this time it's my turn to comfort her. I stroke her head gently. Bella's the only thing that's been steadfast in my life since Jade died. I can't lose her.
Until I did.
How was I supposed to function without Bella? She was the only thing holding me together. Even a few days without her... no. I don't want to think about it. Bella was my best friend. She was always there. I want her back. I want her back now. Thoughts run through my brain, swirling around.
Anger and frustration mixed with anxiety fills my head. I can't. It's too much. It would be so much better... I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this. My hands are shaking. I'm tired of trying to be okay. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of it all.
"Hey Gemma?" Mom asks, poking her head in my bedroom. "I'm taking Crystal and Micah to the store to get some things. Do you want to come?"
I drop my head. "No."
"Will you be okay by yourself?" Mom asks.
I give a silent nod.
"Okay," Mom says. Her tone is skeptical, but she leaves.
My hands are shaking. I can't do this. I have to end this. I can't.