☆
CLARA TRUDGED THROUGH THE PARK, heavy rain wetting her skin because, in typical Small Heath fashion, the heavens had once again decided to spill over. Her hair was pressed flat against her scalp and neck. She had forgotten her peaky hat at home when she'd run out. That had been hours ago. She couldn't tell you how long she'd sat in the grass of Adderly Park. She hadn't even noticed the rain until the dampness seeped through her thick coat.
Her hands were planted in her pockets, trying to muster any warmth. Clara kept her head down as she walked through the darkened streets. Her eyes were on the ground, her mind muddled and wavering as her lips tinted a shade of blue. She did not feel the cold. All she could feel was her own melancholy. She was being a fool. Wallowing in her pity, what a foolish, foolish thing to be doing.
Pol had always said that everything happens for a reason. Used to say it every single chance she could. Perhaps this would be one of those situations. But if it were meant to happen, why did it feel so terrible? Clara sniffed, her fingers threading through her soaked hair, pushing it out of her face.
The girl didn't even realise she was outside number six Watery Lane until her fingers were wrapped around the doorknob. With her face scrunched up, she pushed open the door, letting the instant heat from the lit fire engulf her. Clara kicked off her boots, the voices from the living were a faint buzz as her tired body shrugged off her wet coat.
She kicked off her mud-splattered boots, her body yearning for bed. Clara made her way through the kitchen, into the living room, her arms folded over her damp clothes as the voices grew louder while she approached the stairs. Usually, her footsteps were quiet and unnoticeable, however, whatever luck used to be on her side had now vanished as the floor let out defeating creaks. Both Tommy and Pol turned towards the girl, both dressed up more than usual.
"Clara," Tommy nodded, his eyebrows furrowing as the girl didn't say anything. Clara hoped he wouldn't remember her silly episode that morning. She hoped he'd stay quiet and say no more on it.
"Oh good Lord," Polly huffed, "Clara!"
"Yeah?" Her hoarse voice felt unfamiliar.
"We're supposed to leave for the Garrison in five minutes, look at you!"
"The Garrison?" Clara's eyes flickered between Polly and Tommy.
"Michael's birthday?" Her aunt prompted.
"I...uh, didn't realise that was today," She shook her head, tucking hair behind her ear. Both adults glanced at each other. Clara was being uncharacteristically quiet. "Uh...do I have to go? I just...I'm—"
"You're going," Tommy cut in, not allowing her to get a word in edgewise. "This is a family event. Go up and get changed, and dry that hair."
"Yeah," Clara swallowed, her sunken eyes trailing to the floor. Without another word, she ascended the stairs, leaving the two adults surprised at her willingness.
The girl dragged herself into her room, closing her door quietly. Her knees buckled as she slid down the surface, her head banging against the door as Clara scrunched her nose up. If she hadn't already mucked up every inch of her stable mind, today definitely did and to make matters worse, she could already feel a cold coming on.
Clara ran a hand over her face, the heels of her palms digging into her eyes. Her knees were pulled to her chest and she could hear her brother urging her to hurry up. She hit her palms against her temples in frustration, standing to her feet in defeat. Her hands shook as she tugged her shirt off over her head. She pulled out a clean shirt and quickly buttoned it, ignoring her trembling body.
She kicked off her trousers with a sigh, pulling a clean, black pair on. Clara lazily threw on a waistcoat and dry jacket over it. Her head spun as she half-heartedly brushed through her hair, clipping it up before shoving her tattered grey hat over her ears.
"CLARA!"
The girl sighed once more. She couldn't go to the Garrison like this. How was she expected to sit and be happy and laugh as if nothing had occurred? Clara paced her room quickly before she opened her door suddenly and made her way down towards Finn's room. She pushed the door open, her feet carrying her across the wooden flooring and over to his dresser. Her hands frantically pulled open the drawers one by one, her fingers shuffling through its contents. She slammed the drawers closed standing up in malcontent.
Where could it be?
Her eyes scoured the room before a flash of white crossed her vision. She scrambled towards Finn's chair. Clara dragged it towards the wardrobe, standing on top of it, her fingers brushing the top of the wardrobe and...bingo.
Her fingers wrapped around the item as she pulled it from its hiding spot. With a satisfied smile, Clara stepped down from the chair and placed it back where she had gotten it. She turned the item over in her hands before shoving it into her pocket at the sound of her brother's approaching footsteps. Clara tugged at the collar of her coat with a gulp before stepping out of Finn's room with a small smirk.
Clara stepped back out into the hallway of number six, slowly shutting Finn's bedroom door. Her fingers still trembled, and her mind still spun. The only thing keeping her grounded was the slight weight difference in her right pocket. She shoved her hand into her pocket at the sound of footsteps, her fingers wrapping around the item as of offering it protection.
"What were you doing in Finn's room?"
The girl snapped her head towards her older brother who stood, looking rather unimpressed. In Tommy's hand, a cigarette was lit, its smoke billowing in thick streams of grey. Clara straightened up, her hands dropping to her side.
"I thought he stole my jacket," She sniffed, "Turns out he did, because look what I found." The girl mentally prayed that Tommy would look no further into the matter and just take her word for it.
"We'll be late," he merely stated, walking back down the stairs followed by the girl. She slipped on her boots and went to put on her already wet coat when Tommy tossed another coat at her.
"It's John's," He spoke as he fixed his own coat, she stared at the material. "Well, bloody put it on."
Clara huffed and found herself being engulfed by the jacket, thankful she would not have to wear her own. The girl followed her brother out of the door, the item in her pocket feeling more like a brick rather than the small item it was. She kept her head down as she walked beside her brother, the cuffs of John's jackets hanging over the tips of her fingers.
Once they reached the entrance to the Garrison, Clara could already hear the usual surge of noise from within. Her fingers itched to reach for the item in her pocket, yet she kept herself at bay as she and her brother entered.
He led them into the snug where the Shelby family were already gathered, all apart from Pol and the birthday boy himself. Clara quietly sat down beside Finn on the bench, her eyes down as Tommy greeted the family. A few eyes flitted to the uncharacteristically silent girl as she shrugged off John's coat and lit a cigarette.
"Alrigh, Clara?" John smirked, nudging the girl with his elbow. "Easy on the drinks tonight, yeah? Can't be dragging ya home tonight."
"Mhm..." the girl hummed, sucking in the smokey tendrils.
"What are you planning?" Finn asked lowly, mistaking her quietness for scheming.
"Nothing at all, Finny boy," Clara dryly laughed, her tired eyes unmoving. "In fact, move. I need to use the toilet." The boy shifted and made room for her to exit the bench. She held her cigarette between her lips as she fixed her coat.
Tommy raised an eyebrow as she passed, but said nothing. Clara exited the snug, closing the door shut behind her. She stubbed her cigarette out on an ashtray of a random table as she walked. Just as she went to open the bathroom door, a hand was clasped around her wrist.
Without hesitance, the girl swung her right fist towards the person's cheek, unable to control her brewing emotions. As the person let out a grunt of pain, Clara finally took a second to scan the figure.
"What did you that for?" Will groaned, clutching his face, which was already littered with healing cuts and bruises. "Nice to see you too, Shelby."
Clara froze. Her feet stuck to the ground in shock, her hands shaking. "You can't be here," she choked.
"You owe me a drink."
She owed him so much more.
"I...uh," the girl backed herself towards the bathroom door, before pushing it open and rushing into a stall.
Clara locked the door before she hunched over the toilet and gagged into the bowl. She dry-heaved, a singular tear tracking down her face. She hadn't even felt sick. She didn't know why her body was reacting like this. The girl squeezed her eyes shut, running a hand over her face as she leaned against the door of the stall.
The item in her pocket burned through the material. It burned so hotly, she'd sworn it could've been an iron poker jabbing into her thigh. Clara feverishly pulled it out, turning it over in her hands before unlocking the stall door. She walked towards the sinks. In the reflection of the mirror, she could see herself, except it did not feel like herself. Her eye bags were large and dark, her face was sunken and unbecoming.
Clara shook her head and unscrewed the lid of the blue bottle from her pocket. Her shaky hands slowly tapped out a small amount of the white powder, letting it fall onto the counter. She tried to breathe however it only became a wheezing sound interspersed with sudden trembling of her body. The room felt cramped and tight as if her elbows were firmly pressed against each wall.
She slowly formed the powder into a uniform line while her eyes flitted around the bathroom anxiously. She had to do this. Clara couldn't let the emotions of today cloud her night. The girl glanced at the mirror once more, her eyes locking with their reflection. Her fingers tapped against the counter, her mind flickering from her family to Will to Penny.
She sucked in a small shuddered breath, leaning down over the powder. Clara steadied herself against the marble countertop, hyping herself up to follow through. It couldn't be that bad right? Last time she'd taken way more than she was supposed to...this wouldn't be like that...
Clara pressed a finger against her nostril. It was now or never. With a barely noticeable gulp, she sniffed up the line of white, leaving behind tiny speckles. She stood up straight, squeezing her eyes shut, as she wiped her dusted nose. The girl quickly blew away all remnants of the powder, scrubbing her face with her hands.
It was an odd feeling. It was as if her veins were fizzling and popping in excitement, her blood rushing in swirling movement. Clara leaned against the counter, her head tilted back as she waited for the bliss to take over. Her body was warm, growing warmer by the minute. She needed the boost, the energy. She needed it all.
The powder felt like it scratched every itch. It soothed the pumping blood into a stream of red joy. Clara shoved the empty plastic bottle into her pocket, her hand still gripping it tightly.
She sighed loudly, pushing herself off the counter and towards the door. The girl shoved open the bathroom door, waltzing out almost running right past Will, who had waited patiently. The boy grabbed her wrist pulling her back as she tried to flee.
"Clara, wait," he stopped her, "We have to talk."
"Mm...no," Clara shook her head, avoiding his eyes until they unfortunately locked with his. His eyes stared directly into hers, narrowing as the girl pushed him off of her.
"Clara, are you high?" Will spoke lowly, his voice strained as he readjusted his grip, wiping some white powder from the tip of her nose. Clara didn't reply, she merely grabbed his hand and flung it off of her. "Oi, are you high?!"
"What's it to you?" Clara half-heartedly sneered, her pupils dilated and her cheeks flushed. "Shouldn't you be at home with your lovely mummy?"
Will took a deep breath in through gritted teeth. "I forgot how rude you are," he scowled. "Are you out of your mind? Getting high around your family? Of all people!"
"Yes," Clara breathed out, a small smile creeping across her face.
"Yes, what?"
"I am out of my mind," the girl laughed.
"We need to talk," He urged,
"I can't talk to you!" She exclaimed, "Look at you! Maybe you should push me in the Cut like you did when your dad left? At least this time it'll be justified."
"Shelby, c'mon, I wouldn't do that," Will shook his head as he tried to get the girl to talk to him.
"You did it already, look, I can't talk to you, go!" She laughed, pointing towards the door.
"I won't speak to you in this state...tomorrow—" Will stated, his hands on either of the girl's arms, giving her a tiny shake.
"Shush! No!" Clara cut him off, shoving him further away.
"Fine...I'll find you, just don't do anything stupid tonight," He sighed, "I know what you're like when you get like this."
Will dropped his arms to his side as the girl sniffed and stomped on the boy's toe before rushing away back towards the snug. The noise of the pub was muffled, voices felt like vibrations rather than actual sounds. Clara tucked her hands into her pocket, entering the snug and slipping into the seat beside Finn, whose eyebrows raised at the sight of the girl.
Without a word the suddenly elated girl let a smirk linger on her features, snatching a glass from the table and downing it before any of her brothers could say otherwise. Finn's eyebrows now furrowed, none of the other Shelby's taking any notice of the two.
"Where'd you get it?" He asked quietly.
"Get what?" It was not Clara's turn to raise a brow as she lit a cigarette.
"The Tokyo...where'd ya get it?"
"Tokyo?" Clara's eyes widened in false shock, "Why on earth are you blabbering on about Tokyo for?"
"Fine," Finn huffed, unfolding his arms and brushing away some powder that lingered on her coat sleeve. "But if it's mine, you owe me money."
"I don't owe you shit."
Clara scoffed as she took a drag of the cigarette. Her little euphoric bliss was upon her but she swore that if her brother made one more remark she'd punch him straight in the face. The feeling in her chest was slowly shifting, the melancholy turned slowly into a state of peace she had yearned for all day.
Her head snapped up as Michael and Polly entered the snug, and as everyone stood to their feet with a cheer. Clara looked around before she jumped up beside Finn and clapped loudly while her cousin grinned. The girl whistled as Pol closed the snug door.
"Happy birthday, Michael!" Tommy grinned, shaking their cousin's hand.
"Eighteen years old!" Arthur guffawed, "You're a man today. Give him a drink, John boy."
John was quick to fill a pint of beer from the bucket and hand it to Michael. "There you go, lad." John grinned,
"And after that, we'll go to find you a lady of the night," Arthur smirked, knowing Pol's motherly gaze of warning.
"Arthur!" She scolded, causing Clara and Finn to laugh.
"Michael," Tommy finally cleared his throat, handing the newly made 'man' a small box.
"What's that?" He asked, flipping open the box. Clara peered over, practically toppling over Finn's as she tried to catch a glance.
"So you're never late for work," Tommy said with a nod, as their cousin grinned. "Welcome to the business, Michael."
Clara grudgingly fell back into her seat with a dramatised huff. 'Bloody cousin in the bloody business before me. Bloody only known him about three weeks.' She thought.
Finn nudged her with his elbow, his eyes wide. "Keep your voice down you idiot," he hissed, causing the girl to let out an unbecoming giggle.
"Right, come on, let's get him drunk." John boomed, dragging Michael towards him. "Come here, you!"
"All right, whiskey," Arthur suggested.
"No whisky, he's at work tomorrow." Tommy reprimanded, "Give him only dark mild. A toast Michael."
"To Michael." The family echoed.
"To Michael!" Clara's voice was a bit behind her family's as she raised a glass. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Tommy looking towards her, his eyes narrowed but she ignored him as she gulped back the remnants of her glass of beer.
☆
CLARA SHELBY WAS SEEING STARS. They were pretty, warm too. They burned brightly as if in any second their existence would go up into flames and be forgotten. She stumbled through the streets of Small Heath, her arms in front of her as she chased the stars, each one blinking and taunting her with beams of pure white. The moon shone brightly through the clouds, its craters like eyes and its glow like curly, unkempt hair, its face pulled into a beckoning smile.
The girl did not care about the dangers the streets may hold. She'd experienced them first hand on multiple occasions, so she should've been more anxious, but no. Not tonight. No, tonight she held no worry towards the shadows that lingered or the jeering voices.
Clara allowed her feet to carry her. She allowed them to let her stumble and run and skip and hop. She did not try to stay hidden tonight. No, Clara Shelby was there. And she wanted to be seen.
She blinked hard as she stopped in front of a building, trying to see past her dazed mind. The sweetshops lights were off, its usual childish charm was gone as she scanned the windows. Clara looked up, trying to peek through the darkness at the rooms above the shop. She squinted her eyes, her finger trailing between four windows. Somewhere beyond one of them, Penny lay sleeping.
Clara just had to remember which one it was.
She grimaced as she picked up a pebble. Her eyes flitted from window to window, and with a quick guess, she tossed the pebble towards one of the windows. The small stone bounced off the glass with a small 'ping'. Clara rocked on her heels before picking up another and throwing it against the same window. She waited with a smile.
And then the window opened and an angel appeared.
"Penny!" Clara exclaimed as the blonde girl's eyes widened at the noise.
"Shush!" She hushed, looking back in her room anxiously. "Be quiet! What are you doing here?"
"Come down!" Clara urged, she was loudly whispering, her voice bouncing off of the shop's exterior.
"I can't!"
"Yes, you can!"
"Fine...give me two minutes," Penny sighed and retreated into her room. Clara mentally cheered, as the blonde disappeared out of sight.
The Shelby girl looked at her watch, counting down two minutes as she waited giddily. Her fingers traced the pocket watch's details, her racing heart not once coming to a stop. The side door of the shop opened and then closed as Penny appeared in front of the Shelby girl, her nightgown wrapped around her tightly.
"Clara—?"
Clara cut the girl off with a feverish kiss, her fingers threading through the blonde's curled hair. Penny's lips were soft. Like a pillow...or a soggy biscuit. Pillow sounded more romantic though. Penny was the one to pull away, her hand on Clara's sternum as she stopped the girl from continuing.
"Clara, what you doing here?" She questioned in bewilderment, looking around the empty street.
"Came to see you," The Shelby girl smiled. Penny studied the girl. From her wide eyes to her wide grin, Penny shook her head.
"Step into the light," Penny said shakily, her hand drawing Clara into the soft yellow light refracting from the street. The blonde girl's face dropped as she took in the Shelby girl's state. "Are you drunk?"
"Yeah," Clara nodded rapidly, "Can't ever lie to you, y'know that?"
Penny's hand moved Clara's face closer to the light, and as she let her eyes adjust to the light the blonde's hand dropped.
"Are you high?!" Penny hissed.
"No..." Clara stepped away from the girl, her words oozing guilt as she shook her head. "'m not..."
"You just said you can't lie to me, Clara...don't start now." Penny's voice was trembling. "Are you high?"
Clara looked down. Her mood dampened. "Yeah, I am." She said more surely, "I only had a little bit though..."
"So, you thought you'd show up here in the middle of the night, drunk and high?"
"Yeah," Clara scratched her neck.
"Go home, Clara," Penny stated, folding her arms.
"I came to see you though!" She whined childishly in response. "Wanted to talk to you!"
"Fine, then talk," Penny said sharply.
Clara was silent. Her brainwaves halted and wavered.
"Actually, If you won't talk, I will..." Penny could feel tears welling in her eyes. "You said you can't lie to me, so I'm gonna ask you a question."
"Okay," Clara replied with a nod. A simple question could not be that bad. At least she was talking to an angel, feeling her presence. Penny's lip trembled as she looked at the dishevelled Shelby girl.
"Do you love me?"
Clara felt as if a bucket of ice had been dumped over her. As if her heart was frozen in its place unable to thaw.
"W-What?" She stuttered, the high she chased was still there however the feeling of elation had now morphed to worry.
"Do. You. Love. Me?" Penny repeated slowly.
"I..." Clara cursed under her breath, her head shaking. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" Penny choked, her arms folding over her chest.
"Yeah," Clara breathed out, "I don't know."
"Then what are we even doing?" Penny sniffed, looking to Clara expectedly as she finally shrugged.
"I don't know," Clara uttered, the words tumbled from her lips before her jaded mind could stop them.
"You don't know? Fine," Penny choked again, "Go, Clara. Go home."
"Penny—"
"No. Go home. I don't want to speak with you tonight."
And with that Clara's angel had fled back into the sweetshop. The girl no longer felt the euphoric bliss she'd once felt. She felt like she'd crashed and burned like the stars above her, exploding into nothingness.
She stayed outside the sweetshop for a while. She didn't know how long. Clara just stood and stared in anguish. Clara didn't even recall the moment she had begun to walk away. She hadn't even realised she had left the sweetshop until she was standing in the mud of the Yard. Clara trudged through the Yard and towards the stables.
The hay looked so inviting...so familiar.
And then Clara collapsed. Straw flew around her as she fell, but she didn't notice. She was already fast asleep.
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PLEASE READ
As the new year begins, I have a few things I have to say regarding this story. This book is going to be getting darker and more gruesome. There will be times where some of the content may be triggering in some sense or another. I am saying this because although I'll be putting a TW at the top of each 'bad' chapter, I want you guys to be comfortable and aware.
ANYWAYS, HELLO MY BEAUTIFUL READERS! How are you this Friday?
I have been chilling out all week so my concept of time is all warped! Anyways, if you have some New Years resolutions, TELL ME!!
I LOVE YOU ALL (and here's your meme)