Chapter 7
It Is Not Your Story
"Hey!" Sigaw ko sabay kalabit sa nakatalikod na si—hindi ko pa rin alam ang kanyang pangalan pero siya iyong lalaki kagabi. I don't usually like people, but there's something that's pulling me towards this guy.
Maybe it's the fact that he can't hear me or he can't speak.
Or maybe it's the fact that I can feel something that he's been hiding deep within.
Lumingon siya sa akin at nag-igting ang kanyang bagang nang ako na naman ang makita niya. He even rolled his eyeballs and pushes a deep harsh sigh.
I just grinned, and holding up a hand in the air as an indication for him to wait, I open the notebook that I'm bringing. Yes, I'm bringing a notebook and a pen with me because I'm really anticipating seeing him or bumping into him.
He looks good by the way. Even though the tank top that he's wearing looks like it used to be a T-shirt but he ripped off both sleeves and now it's a just a tank top.
I wrote down on the notebook, Hi. And then I showed it up to him. He stares at it blankly before bringing his eyes back to me looking me in a jaded manner like he wants to groan and grunt,"It's just 10 in the morning, come the fuck on!" I know because that's usually my reaction towards people who are trying to talk to me.
I held up my hand one more time and then I begin writing again.
Where are you going?
I jotted that down and then I showed up the notebook to him. He read it with his brows creased, but one of his brows arches shortly after that before snatching the notebook away from me.
Public market.
He plainly wrote before giving me the notebook back. Tumalikod na siya kaagad at nagsimulang maglakad pero kaagad akong humakbang nang mabilis upang mahabol ko siya.
"Sandali lang! Napakasungit naman nito!" I complain as I try to keep up with his pace. I know he won't hear me.
He stopped from walking and then he turns around to look at me, quite annoyed. I look up to him, my eyes turning into slits. He stares back at me, no emotion on his face.
My eyes locked with his and I almost gasp the second I saw how beautiful his blue eyes looked as the sunlight reflects on them. They're the lightest pair that I've ever seen. They're so light that I can almost see the reflection of the blue ocean from my behind.
"You're beautiful..." I whisper as I keep on staring at his eyes. "But you're fucking grumpy." I say before looking at his face to see his reaction. Now I wonder if that's how people perceive me most of the times— but I'm not beautiful, so maybe they just see me as grumpy.
He just stares at me and then he raises a brow, still looking annoyed.
I chuckle a bit, knowing that he won't hear me. "I don't wanna play with you but I'm loving the fact that you can't hear me right now." I keep on talking and his eyes went down on my mouth, like he's trying to read my lips.
I suddenly remember this so elementary thing where my classmate used to mouth "Put a little more" to me and I deadass thought that he was saying "Putangina mo."
"Put a little more," I say and then I grin. His eyes travelled up to my face again, giving me a bored and so done look.
I chuckle and start writing on my notebook again.
Ha! You thought I said, "Putangina mo," ano? No, I didn't. I just said, "Put a little more." XD
I showed it to him, laughing a little.
He snatched the notebook from me and started writing with his jaw clenched and his brows meeting. I've never seen him smile. Does he ever smile? Does he ever know how to react other than being pissed off, annoyed and confused?
I can't blame him, though. Everyone has their own story to tell.
When he's done writing, he showed the paper to me and I read it.
Read my lips.
I look at his lips immediately.
"Leave me alone," he mouthed, but there has to be some trick in it, right? What if he's saying Livy a lion?
But dang. I must have to admit that the way his lips moved is something that I could watch all day... now I suddenly have this urge to hear his voice. How does he sound like when he's talking? How does he sound like when he's laughing? How does he sounds when he's groaning?
I feel bad that he don't get to hear himself talk, laugh, groan, or gasp.
He write on the paper once again and then he gave me the notebook this time so that I could read his words on my own.
You thought I said, "Leave me alone," huh? You're right. Leave me alone.
My face crumpled as I look up to him and frown. His back is facing me as he retreats. "Asshole!" I yell even though he can't hear me.
Now it felt like someone just bruised my ego. I mean, I'm not the type of a person who approaches someone and try to be friends with them because I'm so sick of people and he's being asshole about it?
I'm never going to talk to people ever again.
I clam my notebook shut and pins the pen on the side of it as I begin walking through the dunes, but I stopped when I saw Gabriel wearing a white polo shirt and a khaki shorts with a sunglasses pushed above his head.
"Good morning, Maeve," he greets me with a smile.
I just nod at him.
"You look irritated." He notices.
"It's just my face," I reason out.
One corner of his lips curl up. "You missed breakfast," he says and then he started walking with me on the dunes. The sun is bright today and the heat that it radiates doesn't surprisingly feel sharp against my skin.
"No, I didn't. I ate before I went outside." I say.
"You didn't want to eat with your dad?" He asks, giving me a brief glance as we keep on walking.
That made me stop for quite a second, but I recovered quick. "Napaka malisyoso mo naman, Gabriel." I just said, though he's telling the truth. I just don't want to eat breakfast with my dad. I don't like feeling his presence, because it confuses me. It makes me feel certain emotions all at once and it's terrifying me.
He didn't answer. He didn't push it further, he didn't give me a chuckle... he just remain quiet as he walks with me. I looked up and I saw three birds flying across the sun.
None of them fell, though. Unlike Icarus who flew so close to the sun. He thought he's free, but his wings got burned and he fell.
"Don't you just hate it when religious people hear your complaining about life and they'll go like, why are you complaining? You're lucky God made you a human, He could have created you as a bird instead but, He didn't. Like, thank you for your pointless opinion, Sally but the nicest thing that He could have done to me is to turn me into a mayfly that has only a 24 hour life span," I whine, rolling my eyes so hard I almost see my skull.
Gabriel was quiet, just listening to me. Now I'm wondering if I offended him with what I just said but I am too mad to even care about it so I just kept on ranting instead.
"I didn't ask for this. I didn't want to be born, I didn't want to become a fucking human. I could be a spoiled persian cat instead and do nothing all day but to fucking eat, sleep, and meow and these goddamn Sallys want me to be grateful because I was created as a human just to live a life that I'm not enjoying? The hell?"
I sound like a bitch. I definitely sound like a bitch. Do I care? Maybe later, I will. I will regret ranting all these later, especially if Gabriel will just remain quiet for the whole walk.
"I'm sorry, I guess I just woke up at the wrong side of the bed." I tell him when it was already fifteen solid seconds and he still hasn't talked. Guess, I'm starting to talk too much. Especially when my chosen topic to speak is an act of attack to faith that he values the most.
Gabriel looked at me and a soft and faint smile curls from his lips. I look at his eyes briefly, trying to search for something in there... specifically judgment.
But I saw none.
"Everything and everyone has a purpose, Maeve. You may not feel it now, but you do have a purpose."
"Oh, please come on." I roll my eyes. Now I wanted to take back my apology. Gabriel is just like one of those Sallys.
"Maeve, open you eyes." He quietly but sincerely says as he looks at me in the eyes.
"My eyes are open! And I can clearly see that I hate my life and I don't want to exist and breathe anymore," I firmly say. Was that so fucking hard? Now all my frustrations are coming back again.
I'm still here... in a different world, yes. But I am still alive. This is not what I signed up for! This is not what I'm expecting to happen when I swallow that bottle of pills!
He shakes his head. "God won't let you die like this, Maeve."
I throw him a sharp glare as a mocking laugh rises from my throat. "Oh, right. I forgot that your God is a damn masochist who loves to see people suffering..."
"That is not true." He firmly says, attempting to touch my by the shoulders but I immediately pry away from his touch.
"Tell that to starving people, Gabriel! Tell that to people who experienced abuse! Tell that to people who are struggling with severe depression. Tell that to people who has to swallow the lack of fairness and inequality running through the justice system, tell that those people who are wounded and hurting, Gabriel!" I hiss. I suddenly remember that deaf man with two blue lonely eyes.
Try telling those words to him. Try telling him that God is good... He is so good that he made him deaf, taking away the chance for him to listen and to be listened to.
Tang inang 'yan. H'wag ako, Gabriel. Ayaw na ayaw ko pa naman sa mga taong namimilit na dapat kong paniwalaan kung ano ang pinapaniwalaan nila. Stop shoving your beliefs down my throat, I won't swallow it. I'll just spit it back right at your damn face.
"You think God is deaf to their cries? Do you think that God is blind to all those people's sufferings? He is not, Maeve. He sees all of it and He is hurting as much as they are."
"Then He is just as hopeless and immobile as they are then. He's hurting for them and yet He can't help them? I thought He's a God? I thought He is powerful and omnipotent?" I questioned.
"The way God's mind works is too vast for people to reach and understand, Maeve, but believe me He is doing something..."
"Doing something? Where? If He is doing something then why there are still people who are homeless and being enslaved by their addictions? Kung may ginagawa siya, bakit may mga taong naghihirap?"
He wets his bottom lip and looks at me in the eyes, catching me off guard before saying, "It's not your story, Maeve." He quietly says, but it felt like he just yelled at me.
It made me stop. It made me pause.
Like I got kicked on the chest.
"He is doing something for those struggling people just like He is doing something in your life, and the reason why you can't see that God is moving is because you are too busy looking at other people's stories. Focus on yours, Maeve..."
"I don't have a story," I say, staring at him blankly. I am already convinced that I do not have one... my ink ran out, all my papers got burned. I have no chapters left... that's why even just breathing hurts so much, because there is nothing more painful than to live a life with no sight and purpose.
He gives me a small yet painful smile, like he's hurting on my behalf. "Yes you have... you just chose to stop writing it."
He looks at me and bitterly, he whispers, "Why did you stop writing your story, Maeve?" I've never heard a question that hurts so much in my whole 20 years of existence. It hurts so much that it felt like someone took my heart and put it into a grinder.
"Why did you believe to all the lies that the enemy is telling you? Why did you believe when he said that your story is over?"
"Stop..." I try to keep my voice firm but it sounded like a broken glass.
"Why did you believe him when he told you that God has left you? He is still there, Maeve. He never left you." His voice was low as a whisper but they weight too much, I want to scream to make him stop.
"God didn't create you just to get stuck from where you are currently in... He didn't create you to leave you alone right in your own dark place to die... He is not like that."
"How did you know that he isn't? Gabriel, He is like that," I insist through clench teeth as I widen my eyes at him while my fist on my side clamp shut. Now I finally found my voice to fight.
"You don't even believe in His existence, Maeve. How come you can say that He is like that? How come you assume all the bad things about Him when you keep on insisting that He doesn't exist? How can you say that He is like that, Maeve?" He says that souned like a challenge and mockery to me.
"Because He abandoned me!" I yelled, my chest heaving up and down as the tears that I've been trying to fight begin streaming down my cheeks.