❝Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.❞
— Saint Francis de Sales
I see him turn around a corner of a building and sigh in relief.
I've been running for over a minute continuously and am almost out of breath. My legs ache because I've over exerted and I feel like I'm going to fall any moment. I relax a bit when I see him again but resume to sprint after a second.
"Hey, Sam!" I shout when I turn around the corner and he's halfway through. He stops for a bit, turns to look at me, but then resumes walking as if he never saw me. So that's how he's going to treat me now, huh? It is quite understandable considering the situation but I still didn't want him to be alone right now.
I keep running after him for some more time until I've catched up with him. I breathe heavily while walking behind him, waiting for him to slow down and stop but he doesn't. I knew Remi's words would have such an effect on him. I shouldn't have let it happen. I shouldn't have let him say and get away with it.
I shouldn't have let him get hurt.
God, I'm such an idiot.
"Hey, Sam, please stop for a moment," I say, the breathlessness obvious in my voice but he doesn't. "Hey-" I reach for his arm but he pulls away from me. "Sam, what the hell, stop for a second."
He finally stops and clears his throat. "What the hell do you want right now?"
I bite my lip, taking a step towards him carefully. "I want you to talk to me."
He scoffs. He now completely faces me with a small, unbelievable smile on his face. "You really think I want to talk to you right now?" He takes multiple steps backwards and shakes his head before turning around and continuing to walk. "Leave me alone, Harley. We have nothing to talk about. If it's something important, just text me. See you tomorrow."
He begins to walk again and I run a hand through my hair, frustrated. My eyes go to the building right next to us and I see a door, which I realise is the back entrance of the school building. Without thinking I reach forward for Sam once again, holding his arm as tight as I can and before he can protest, I drag him towards the door.
"Hey, what the hell-" he doesn't get the chance to complete the sentence because I manage to get the door open and pull him inside the corridor with me. Using whatever energy I have left, I make him turn to face me properly with his back up against the wall. He looks down at me as I breathe heavily, trying to catch my breath.
The hallways are dark so we can't see each other's faces right now but that wasn't my main concern. I finally look up, returning to my normal breathing pattern once I start to feel better.
"Harley, are you... okay?" he asks me, unsure. When I don't reply, he asks me again. "Hey, Harley."
I bite my lip again and I'm sure that if I do that just a little harder, it would draw blood.
"Why?" I ask quietly and he tilts his head in question. "Why won't you talk to me?"
He visibly stiffens. "Because I have a lot of homework and you're wasting my time with this."
"Fucking hell, stop lying to me," I rasp, my voice becoming unintentionally cold. "You looked like you were about to cry. I'd rather have you cry in front of me than go back to your room and distract yourself by talking to people on text."
"I'm not going to cry and that guy has no effect on me. Stop pretending like you care because I know what you're trying to do," he snaps, trying to walk away but I block his path. "What's wrong with you?"
"I asked you to stop lying to me, Sam." He flinches when I say his name like that. "Remi's words are a part of a reason why you're like this right now. I saw your face back then. Everyone did. You were scared. Terrified. Angry-"
"Stop," he pleads, unable to look into my eyes. "Just shut up. I don't want to talk about it."
"Just how long do you plan on keeping it all in your mind, huh? No, wait, the question should be how long have you been doing this? Avoiding situations whenever your brother is involved in them? How long will you be able to carry it on?"
There's a pause where neither of us speak. I'm searching for his eyes but he's not looking at me. The look on his face and the neutrality in his voice is breaking my heart more than it should. This isn't supposed to happen but I've managed to miscalculate everything yet once again. Only this time, I'll actually feel guilty if I don't do anything about it.
"And what is it with you saying that you know what I'm trying to do? You know nothing about what I'm trying to do. Are you assuming that I'll just manipulate and use you and leave you alone just like most people in your life? Are you that used to being used?" I pause and I realise that my voice sounds desperate but cold. I don't know what I'm saying or why I'm saying all this.
He doesn't say anything.
Frustrated, I hold his face with both my hands and make him look at me and for the first time inside the corridor, he's looking at me, and something in his expression changes. I lower my voice and continue to speak. "Are you really that used to being manipulated that you can't see that I care?"
He snaps. Grabbing both my arms he slams me against the opposite wall, resting his hands on either side of my head. He looks furious now, even more so than the time he was back when he was fighting with Remi.
"What the hell do you want me to say?" He whisper-yells. "That 'Yes, I'm used to being used for things that never benefit me'? Or 'I'm too used to being used as a punching bag for my brother'? Because I'm not. I'm not and never will be used to it because I hate it so fucking much that I sometimes want to fucking kill him but I can't because he's my own brother and a living being and my actions cannot be reversed. I'm sorry if I can't trust you."
He lowers his head but raises his voice.
"Because you're just like them." I freeze. "A girl who has threatened Asher? A girl who's become the talk of the school in just a day? Definitely a red flag for me. Why," he pauses, slamming his palms against the wall, "the fuck did I even have to meet you, huh? You're exactly like Asher and Nate, Harley. Even if you deny it, it is true to some extent. You're a manipulator who's not afraid to use people as their pawn to reach the top. You're too much like them. So I'm sorry to hurt your feelings here, Kingsley, but I can't trust you. Not after everything he's done to me."
His voice breaks but I don't interrupt because I have a feeling that he's not done yet.
"I can't trust you because if my own brother can use me as his punching bag for when he's bored, I can't even begin to imagine the things you'd do to me because we aren't even related. You-you'd destroy me. I-I don't want that. I-" He struggles to find some words and his voice grows weaker and weaker by every word he says. "I don't want to be used anymore, please."
"Are you scared?" I ask him. Though my words are barely audible, he nods. "Of what? That I'd use you like your brother did? Because if that's what it is, I promise you this - you're free to hurt me, leave me or even hit me if I ever do that to you. I would never use you, Sam. I promise."
He scoffs again, a small laugh escaping his lips. "You're going to assure me now? Don't you get it, Harley? I hate you. Not just you, I hate everyone in that room and I hate my brother and I hate myself because I don't fight back or say anything to my brother when he hits me because I feel like I at least owe him that. I hate myself because I'm tired of everything and you know what?" he pauses and I see that there's a small smile on his face. A familiar smile - one I'd seen on someone else before. "Sometimes I wish I never existed in the first place. Everything would've been better off like that."
I don't know what to say anymore. His voice was extremely low and almost inaudible and I'd have missed it if we weren't in such a quiet place. I wait for him to continue for a minute but he doesn't. Instead, we're both just frozen with my eyes on him and his head hanging low. Instinctively, my hand goes up his face again and he visibly flinches before looking up at me. My heart breaks looking at his pained expression but I'm convinced there's nothing I can do to help him.
Not until he begins to trust me.
My fingers trail on his now swollen face and he closes his eyes, a tear rolling down his cheek. He brings his hand up to mine, holding it and slowly and carefully putting it away from him. "Shh," I whisper to him, "What did your brother do to you?"
He bites his lip, avoiding eye contact all over again and I'm almost convinced that we're back to square one before he unexpectedly starts to speak. "I... don't know where to start," he admits.
"Start from wherever you like. I don't want to force you now that I know why you don't want to talk to me," I say and I mean it. Hearing his reasons are making me question everything. Am I really like Asher and Nate? Or am I much worse than them? He was wrong about one thing - that I'm doing all this to reach the top because I'm not. My motives have no relation to being the top player here. "Has he ever hurt you since you started school?"
It takes a moment for him to comprehend my question and when he does, he nods lightly. "He didn't think I'd actually make it into the academy and when he got to know that I'd be coming here, he punched me for ruining the last year of his school life. He said he didn't even want to see my face and that if only I'd chosen some other face, I won't have to put up with him and that coming here, I- I chose this for myself. I-" his voice breaks and he looks down again, sniffing. He looks back at me, right into my eyes. "Remember when we partnered up and you figured out that it was my own brother who hit me? I'd... found something."
My face drops. "He hit you to keep you quiet?" I ask him even though I'd already figured it out.
"Yeah, well, he doesn't care what happens to me."
"What did you find out about him?"
He hesitates for a moment before he speaks again. "He wants to be at the top of Redville when he graduates."
I don't understand. I just look at him with a neutral look and he sighs, taking the initiative to elaborate.
"I was there. He didn't know. I found him talking to a girl and I recorded the conversation and he found out I was there. He began beating me up and," he closes his eyes, now letting the tears flow and I feel my heart get heavier and heavier by every word he says. "He threatened to get me expelled and put on false accusations about violence against students to get me out of here. He - he broke my phone and crushed it and said that if I'd do it again, he'd give me twice the beating that he had then."
I close my eyes, unable to imagine it.
"This isn't even the worst," he says and his voice tells me that he can't take his tears back anymore. "He gave me burns." He stands straighter, pulls his shirt up and my eyes go to his abdomen where I see a patch of two dark burns.
"Cigarette burns," I whisper because I'm unable to even speak. I had an idea about how bad of a person Nate is but this is another level of crazy.
He nods, instantly covering his scars at once. He presses his eyes shut and shakes his head before backing off, smiling. "Go ahead, use it all against me now. That's what you wanted to do, right?" his voice cracks towards the end and it takes me everything I have not to cry with him right now. "I don't care about it anymore. Do whatever you want. I'm tired of caring."
His voice has a concluding note in his voice, telling me that he wants to leave and that he doesn't want to see me at all but I don't know what else to do. I'm not good at this but I try my best and I've already failed once and this seems like a chance at my redemption, to bury the guilt in myself for once and for all. There's only one thing I can do.
I lean back against the wall, my eyes never leaving his. "I promised you I wouldn't do anything like that to you, didn't I?" I whisper. "I'll go by it. I won't break it, I swear. If I do, then you're free to do whatever you want and I'll never bother you ever again. But right now," I pause for a moment to catch my breath, "I want you to know that you can trust me."
He stands against the wall opposite to mine and begins to avoid looking at me before slumping down and just sitting there like there's nowhere else he can go right now.
"I swear I won't ever betray you," I tell him and that's when he breaks. He breaks into tears, burying his head in his knees, suppressing his sobs a bit. I feel warm as well and my heart scrunches and the pit in my stomach grows and I feel more and more empty by every moment as I hear him cry. His tears tell me everything he doesn't say and how much pain he's in and I understand it.
I understand him and that's why I don't let him go. Somehow, at this moment, the distance between us doesn't seem to exist to me. Looking at him feels like looking at my dumb, naive past self who was too obsessed with helping people and ended up messing everything up even more so. That's right, I've done some terrible stuff. And my time at Redville is supposed to be a payback.
I had said before that Sam's the kind of person who'd be the first to break and he did. He broke before I had expected him to because he had been piling up everything inside him without expressing his feelings for so long. I wanted him to break so that I could help him back up on his feet again and give him a feeling of hope so that he listens to me and becomes the perfect pawn to bring down Asher. But I can't do it anymore.
We're too similar for me to use him.
Author's Note:
GUESS WHO'S 16 MFS HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEE JKSHFDHGKJ
exactly three months ago (3rd sept) i started to write amber eyes as a side project. but knowing myself, it obviously didn't end up as a side plot that i'll write randomly. i don't know why but i feel so good when i think about how far i've come with this book. before amber eyes, my highest word count was around 30k but when i started to write it, i broke my own record and with every word i'm writing, i'm setting a future goal for myself. amber eyes, no matter how depressing and dark it's gonna get, is very close to my heart and will always will be.
(the amount of courage it took to actually put this book up on wattpad tskkkk)
anyways, so happy three months to amber eyes and happy birthday to me!
thanks to everyone who's reading this, ily <3