Ah, pyramid. What a horrible day. I want to go back to sleep. Instead of emptiness filling me, Mom is in my room. I scream in shock and she screams back. Why is she in my room? I'm supposed to be getting ready. I also look at the time. Seven in the morning?
"Mom, the pyramid's started! My alarm didn't go off!" I exclaim.
"Pyramid's being delayed a day. Don't worry, you didn't miss it. But I have some news. You, the girls, and Brady are all going to hang out for the day, and at the end of the day, we're going to a private screening of The Angry Birds Movie 2! Isn't that fun?" she asks me, and I immediately start thinking about how much food I'm going to eat.
"Yeah, sounds fun!" I lie back, immediately feeling cold once I start to pick an outfit to get ready.
"We're leaving at nine o'clock to be there by nine-thirty, so take your time," Mom informs me, and I begin going through my dresser.
Sweatshirts and baggy jeans. Perfect. I grab a brown sweatshirt that has pale yellow writing saying, Los Angeles. I also grab some high-waisted boyfriend jeans and some white chunky high-tops.
I grab some gold jewelry and some butterfly clips. I do my skincare, take my meds, and straighten my hair. I add some butterfly clips and put on my jewelry. Once I'm done, I start to think of how much I'm going to be eating.
I'm not going to go under 150 calories today. I'll be able to skip breakfast, but I bet the girls and Brady will make me eat. The plan is to eat the lowest-calorie option, no matter how bad it tastes.
I do my makeup, including examining the humongous bruise on my ribs, and cover my cuts before I go into the main room, and I look in the reflection of the fridge pretending to look for something to eat. You're going to look so fat at the screening, Lilliana.
"Do you want any breakfast and did you take your iron pill?" Mom asks.
"Yes, I did take my iron pill and I'll just get something at the mall," I respond.
"Alright, let's go," Mom says, grabbing her purse.
I grab my phone and I walk with Mom down the steps to the lobby. I guess no elevator today. I feel so cold and weak and tired, and the tingle in my wrist is bugging me so much. The razor is less than a foot away from me, but I have to abstain.
The drive to the mall is twenty minutes, so we listen to this old 1990s radio. This stuff was on when Mom was, like, in college? The only decent one on the radio is "Fantasy," by Mariah Carey, which Mom and I jam out to.
Eventually, we make it to the mall and Hannah and Gia are already there. They're wearing normal outfits that don't look like they're in the dead cold of winter, but I'm very cold like I'm in the dead cold of winter.
"Hey, Lilly. How are you doing?" Joanne asks.
"Cold, but I'm doing great!" I lie, and she gives me a smile before letting me go hang out with the girls.
"So basically we can hang out in the mall until four-thirty. What do we even do?" Hannah asks.
"We can get ice cream, the food court, candy, toys, clothes!" Gia exclaims.
"Will our parents give us any money?" I ask.
"Hey, guys!" Brady exclaims behind us, and we let him join us.
"What's the estimate on how much money our moms will let us borrow? Let's make it a competition," Gia asks.
"Fifty bucks. That's a lot of money," I guess.
"I'm thinking seventy-five," Gia guesses.
"Seventy. Price is righted you," Hannah guesses, and Gia fake sulks.
"Sarah, Pressley c'mere. How much money do you think our moms are gonna give us? I think ninety," Brady asks.
"One hundred fifty," Sarah guesses.
"One hundred, clean and even," Pressley guesses.
You're going to be wrong, Lilliana. You're always wrong.
"Elliana isn't going to be here. She said she's sick," Gia whines.
Good coverup. We all anxiously chatter about tomorrow's pyramid for a couple more minutes before it's time for us to explore the mall. The moms each give us one-hundred dollars. Told you so, Lilliana. Pressley gets all excited that she won before the moms go over the basic rules. No stealing, stay together, bathroom buddy system, don't be stupid, don't go with strangers, yadda yadda. And then we're dismissed.
"So what do you want to do first?" Sarah asks.
"Do you want to go get some stuffed animals? I saw a Squishmallow shop while I was walking here," Brady suggests.
"Sure, but let's not spend all of our money. Keep, like, fifty. I have a plan after lunch," Gia teases.
"What is it?" Hannah asks, and Gia whispers the idea to her.
Hannah nods and smiles, so she must approve. It's probably going to be good then.
Brady leads us to this soft wonderland, and immediately the prices for the big ones are twenty-five dollars. Big no. 8" it is. Gia and Hannah find matching unicorns named Aurora, Sarah gets this teal koala named Coco, Pressley gets a tie-dye unicorn named Esmerelda, Brady gets a color block octopus named Zobey, and I, well I get the best one. I get the avocado with a cowboy hat and a mustache named Austin.
Thirteen dollars and seventy-seven cents later, I check out and now we're all stuck with nothing left to do at ten o'clock. We roam around the mall until we find a directory. It's now ten-thirty. We must have gotten a late start.
I feel dizzy seeing the bright lights so I sit while they look through the directory. We have an hour and a half before lunch. Not looking forward to that. Suddenly, I'm being dragged to a slime store.
Slime! They have all kinds of slime! Keeping... gag... lunch in mind, as well as Gia's surprise, I choose a strawberry ice cream cake slime for eleven dollars and sixty-five cents. Sarah chooses a confetti cupcake fizz, Pressley gets a strawberry banana slime, Gia chooses a strawberry pink drink slime, Hannah gets a birthday cake ice cream slime, and Brady gets a banana cream pie slime. Now it's eleven-fifteen. How can we spend so much time at a slime store? It's just slime!
"We should probably get there at eleven-forty-five, so we have half an hour. We should probably check in with our moms," Sarah suggests.
"Just texted her. And... they're in Bath and Body Works, so let's go," I announce, and I gag at the sound of the store.
"All of the scents are gonna make me puke," Brady complains.
"Same," I whine.
You're going to gain twenty pounds at the mall, Lilliana. I'd still be at a nine and a half-pound deficit, but I've almost lost thirty. Brady and I gag and we hang back while the girls go check in on their moms. Tricia and Mom peek their heads outside of the entrance, and we wave before gagging again.
"So where are we going for lunch? I want to look up calories," I ask Brady.
"I don't know. We'll decide when they're done, I guess," Brady concludes.
A couple of minutes later, the girls come out of the mall, and we all start walking towards the food court.
"So what do y'all want for lunch?" Hannah asks.
"I'll drop my vote so that there's no tie," I offered, pulling out my phone so I can look up calories.
"What about Dairy Queen?" Hannah proposes.
"I'm with Hannah," Pressley claims.
"You're forgetting Five Guys, though," Brady suggests.
"Ooh, Five Guys!" Gia and Sarah drool.
"Okay, it's at the end of the food court, I think," Pressley says, and I start to look up the menu.
Oh my God, so many calories. The veggie sandwich is at an absurd 280 calories, and all I ask is that the girls and Brady go somewhere else for dessert. All of them are ordering 980 calorie cheeseburgers, 610 calorie little hamburgers, and 930 calorie fries. At least no milkshakes. I just order my veggie sandwich.
The worst part is that it's all separate orders. Oh no. Three dollars and sixty-nine cents later, I place my order under Belle, my middle name. The veggie sandwich is going to make you gain five pounds, Lilliana.
I feel so cold, weak, dizzy, tired, the tingle in my wrists is just near unbearable, and after I hear my middle name, I grab my hamburger just filled with salad instead of greasy meat, and I slowly start eating, and I'm regretting every bite.
Everybody else is chattering away and eating, and I'm just too out of it to converse. Every bite is pure torture. I can tell, even through this almost like, glaze, between me and reality, that they're excited I'm eating, but I'm not.
It's a salad in a bun. I eat salad all the time. It's the bread. This isn't right. I can't eat hamburgers or sandwiches. This isn't right, this isn't right. I feel tears well up in my eyes, but I'm not going to cry in the mall.
I stop eating about halfway. No more. No more. I can't take it. Do you know how many calories you just ate in one serving, Lilliana? You are going to lose all the progress you've made over the ten weeks. You're going to look so fat to the private screening, they won't let you in.
Everybody finishes up their food, and I just throw away the other half. They suddenly run to another spot in the food court that has boba. No. No more eating fear foods. If I manage to pull off eating under 150 calories at the mall, this is going to be one of the best things I pulled off.
"Want any boba?" Hannah asks, and I shake my head.
They all order mango boba and strawberry boba and all the fun drinks, and while we sit down to talk about Gia's idea.
"So what is this idea that you were talking about?" Pressley asks.
"Ok, so, basically, since our moms said that we're going to have to get something for the screening, we're going to buy something for the private screening. But you have a limit of fifty dollars, and we randomly choose the store you have to shop at," Gia explains.
"That sounds fun!" I exclaim.
"Yeah, we're in!" Brady says.
"Ok, ok, ok, so who should go first?" Gia asks.
"Just do a random generator or something," Sarah suggests.
"Ok, putting in the names, and, it's Lilly!" Gia announces.
Great. Everybody is finally going to see how fat you are, Lilliana. Gia rolls for my store, and it lands on PacSun. Great. This has to be formal, and I don't believe they have many formal things.
We all stroll into PacSun and immediately, their eyes dart to these mini dresses. The only dresses in my size. Turns out, there's a bunch of safety pins in the dressing room, in case something isn't perfect.
The girls and Brady force me to put on three dresses. They're all the same type of dress, a LA Hearts Terry Mini Dress, but one is a lime-green, one's a coral, and one's a pale blue. Of course, I'm swimming. The dress, instead of going to my mid-thighs, goes to my mid-calves. The coral one is the best. Your arms are so fat. I can see your veggie sandwich too, Lilliana. You have to lose weight.
"Pressley, can you help me pin this?" I call out, and she comes into my dressing room.
We put pins very discreetly around the strap area. We might as well leave the dress length, which is now to my knees where it is so people don't see my underwear. After the pins are hidden, I step out in the coral dress much to everybody's delight.
I feel so cold in it. It's on sale for, with tax, fifteen dollars, and eighty-nine cents. I have money for shoes and jewelry. I quickly go back to the dressing room to put on the clothes that make me feel less cold, and we start trying on shoes. I'm going to have to wear the same jewelry I have on because, for thirty-five bucks, all I can wear are slides.
"Do you have any more money than you can dip into?" Hannah suggests.
"With the dress, I have fifty dollars clean," I answer.
"Since slides are stupid to wear, you can dip into your other funds. Maybe these sneakers for fifty. Slips on," Gia says, and I try them on.
They fit in well enough. Sixty-eight dollars and eighty-nine cents, later, and I have exactly two dollars left. I text the outfit to Mom, she gives the thumbs-up, and now it's time for the next person. It's Hannah, and her store is Banana Republic.
"Aww, Hannah Banana Republic!" Sarah teases, and Hannah rolls her eyes before we walk there.
"Why is everything here so expensive?" Hannah whispers, combing through the dresses.
Everybody here is rich and adult, so we have to behave ourselves. We talk quietly, and we find one dress in Hannah's size: a petite metallic herringbone shift dress. It's twenty-one dollars and seventeen cents, and I can't bear to think about shoes.
"I like this dress," Hannah claims as she comes out of the dressing room.
"It looks nice," Brady compliments.
Now onto shoes. Oh no. At this point, we've kind of disregarded the fifty-dollar rule, and it's more, spend what you have. So with the dress, Hannah has sixty-six dollars and sixty-five cents left. Unfortunately, all the shoes are eighty dollars or more. But Hannah brought black high-tops, which works great with the dress, so now it's time for the next person.
Pressley Hosbach, H&M. Very easy to shop. The kids' section is so cheap. Pressley has like, sixty bucks, and this one-shoulder black romper with peaches only costs her fifteen dollars and eighty-nine cents. Black Chelsea boots, which go great, are thirty dollars and eighty-nine cents. Rings are six dollars and thirty-five cents. Total. Fifty-three dollars and twenty-three cents.
Sarah and American Eagle. A teal square neck mini dress with white tiny flowers and a red waffle top. The normal white shoes that she wore here should be fine. Gia gets Hollister. She picks out this black and white gingham-tiered babydoll dress. I guess her hot pink Vans will have to do because all they have are sandals. Brady gets Gap, and I guess he'll be wearing something casual to the premiere. They're having a huge sale, so he grabs a red long-sleeved shirt, black pants, and some white shoes all under the price of fifty bucks.
"Alright, so it's four-fifteen. I think the moms are figuring where the movie theater is," Sarah claims
"Ooh, just got a text. And... they're at PacSun and they want us to put on our outfits beforehand. So we have to find some bathrooms..." Hannah trails.
"There are some around the corner, I think," I say.
As we walk around the corner, all of the things I have been ignoring, the cold, the weakness, the tiredness, the dizziness, the lack of energy, the tingle in my wrists, nausea, all hits me right outside the entrance of the stall. I almost collapse, but I quickly latch onto the sink before I put on the dress.
I put on the dress and I feel so much colder. I just want to pass out. This is awful. I put on my Vans and I get out of the stall. I look so ugly and fat. Your stomach is still so fat, Lilliana. Your thighs barely have a gap. Your ribs aren't showing through the clothes, your spine isn't showing either. How ugly, You should just die, Lilliana. It would be so much easier.
Pull yourself together, Lilly. You're in a public bathroom. I take a deep breath, readjust my butterfly clips, and slip on my sweatshirt. Like, that is a vibe, but I'll take it off when we get to the movie theater. I grab my slime and Squishmallows and wait for everybody else to exit.
Everybody gets out of the bathroom ten minutes later. Some girls have done braids and ponytails. Some girls have taken theirs down. We all snap a couple of pics before we walk to PacSun. The bruise on my chest is starting to hurt.
"Lilly, are you ok?" Pressley whispers.
"Not really, but fake it till you make it. I'll be able to sit soon in the car," I answer quietly as we walk out of the parking lot and get in our cars.
"How did you like the mall?" Mom asks.
"Fun," I answer quietly.
Mom stays silent as we drive across the highway to this movie theater. I'm so tired and I just want to get through the movie and fall asleep in the car until one in the morning where I wipe off my makeup and I change into pajamas and fall back asleep for four hours.
Fifteen minutes later, we arrive at the movie theater, and I don't want to eat any popcorn or candy. All the other girls and Brady are there, but Ms. Gianna and Ms. Abby are very late. We all wait around and some of the moms start looking at concession prices.
"Lilly, do you want any popcorn or candy?" Mom asks.
"No, I'm full from lunch, thanks," I lie, and Brady side-eyes me discreetly.
I feel bad, but I need to lose weight. Movie popcorn won't help. You haven't lost any weight today, Lilliana. You should've been dancing instead of going to the mall. How foolish of you.
"It's nearly five-fifteen. The screening is at five-thirty. Where is Abby?" Mom asks.
"I just got a text and she says she's running behind and we should go into the theater," Tricia answers.
Pressley helps me up and I feel so weak and dizzy. She holds my hand so I can steady myself. Everybody orders their popcorn and candy, and we're directed to Theater 3. Everything is so quiet. It must be rented out to us.
Ms. Abby wheels in and sit next to me. She has her extremely buttered popcorn and her box of M&Ms. I can see a shine on the popcorn. So many calories. All of a sudden, the lights dim and the screen lights up. The movie's beginning.
Overall, the movie is pretty good. We all get a little excited when we hear JoJo's voice, so now I guess that's why we're getting a private screening of the movie. I like Silver the most. People say I look the most like Dove Cameron, so it's a little crazy hearing her voice, but she's also super peppy, like I used to be, until this eating disorder came along and sucked the life out of it. Good trade for happiness.
After the credits, Ms. Abby reminds us pyramid is tomorrow, and then we all say goodbye to each other. Mom carries me out of the movie theater because I cannot walk. As she puts me in the car, I fade in and out, in and out, in and...
~~~~~
Wait, where am I? I must have fallen asleep on the car ride home. My makeup is still on, and my foundation is wearing on my cuts. I feel weak, dizzy, tired, brittle, and cold. I should probably get this makeup off my face and be ready for bed, despite it being midnight.
I stagger to the bathroom and I quickly weigh myself. The lights illuminate. 50.1 pounds. So close, yet no cigar. Today wasn't a normal day. But with tomorrow, or I guess, today is a fasting day, it should be just enough to push me into the forties!
I wipe off my makeup and I want to cut myself so bad. The tingle is so bad. I stomp the ground lightly in frustration, but not loud enough to wake up Mom. Tears well up in my eyes. Hold them back, Lilly. Hold them back.
I pick a random pair of pajamas in the dark, take off my awful PacSun dress, and my jewelry, and slip into my pajamas. I grab my stuffed llama and go to bed. Maybe tomorrow, I'll reach my goal.
~~~~~